Is feeling insecure about this unusual

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Is it unusual to feel bad if your partner talks about finding an actress attractive?

Watching a film with DH. I can't remember how it came up but he made a comment about the actress in the film being hot. This made me feel bad. I said it made me feel bad. He tried to make me feel better by telling me of course he finds me super hot and he'd always pick me over anyone else and then tried to make a joke out of the situation by saying "unless the actress was here". The joke made me feel worse. Just felt really bad about myself after that but tried to just brush it aside. The joke was was meant to be funny because obviously he's never going to meet this actress and I am his life partner.

It got brought up again later by him so I tried to explain why it made me feel bad and we've ended up having an arguement because he said feeling bad over this is weird of me and not normal which then upset me because I felt stupid and shamed for feeling bad about myself when I didn't ask to know he found this women hot and I didn't bring it up for discussion again.

I just said that I just didn't want to hear about who he thinks is attractive or not. Like obviously it's completely fine and natural he finds an actress hot, I just don't want to be told or know about it. I explained that's because it just makes me feel bad, makes me feel inadequate and triggers my body dysmorphia because I don't look anything like that actress. I am overweight after having children with acne. It's a me issue completely but like I just don't want to know as I just compare myself to them and feel inadequate. He thinks that is a weird of me and he thinks no other women think like I do about this.

Is is really that unusual or weird to feel insecure or to feel bad about yourself in this situation? Like I know it's a me issue and a my self image issue, but surely it's not that unusual to feel bad like this and just not wanting your partner to tell you if he thinks someone is hot is reasonable. I just can't imagine telling him that I find another man, even an actors attractive. It wouldn't occur to me to tell him this. Why would i think he'd want to know that?

That's a wrong suspicion because I honestly just don't care if he internally thinks other people are hot because of course he does. I don't care if he thinks actresses are hot. I don't even care if he thinks the women who lives next door is hot. He's entitled to think other people are hot. It's normal to find people attractive.

I just don't want to be told about it. I just feel like they are personal thoughts that don't need to be said to a partner especially if your partner feels bad about how they look and has a diagnosed mental health condition about body image. Just seems like an unnecessary thing to say to your partner to me. I would never tell him about other people I find hot unless he directly asked me.

I'd find it very rude if my husband started telling me the famous people he thinks are attractive.

As a side note, my friend's husband was very open about his 'type' when it comes to celebrity crushes and a crush on a particular celebrity who was the epitome of this 'type'. Fine, no problems, my friend had no issues with this. But then a woman started at his workplace who was notably similar looking to said celebrity. My friend was not best pleased that she knew her husband was likely finding this woman attractive 🤣 nothing ever came of it of course, but my friend did find it a bit uncomfortable as it was one thing knowing he found a celebrity attractive, but quite another knowing he found his colleague attractive.

So yes. I have no doubt that my husband has celebrity crushes, but I'm quite happy not knowing the details thank you very much!

Thanks for this comment. It has got me reflecting on what bothers me about being weird or abnormal

Tbh i think the idea of being weird or abnormal was an upsetting phrase for me as I have quite a few similar mental health diagnosis (OCD and BDD) and I am autistic and was ostracised for that growing up. Lots of trauma around my family life as my parents thought I was challenging. I was heavily bullied etc. .. I guess I have always felt like this was all caused by me abnormal or whatever.

So I guess being told that it was weird and abnormal was quite triggering when I didn't think it was that weird. Don't know if am making sense.

Also I'm not very good at self validation i tend to need external validation about things

Hey OP. I used to struggle with body dysmorphophobia. For years it was crippling. I have CBT therapy which was incredible and it no longer has a hold of me like it once did.

The comparisons is one of the worst things. For your partner it was an off the cuff remark. He will not of been comparing you. Watching TV presents stuff in a way that's not real life and sometimes people also will say gosh their hot just to not make it awkward etc.

In your eyes though you compare but the root cause of the emotions is what CBT helps with. For me it was well if I'm not pretty enough I'm not worthy of love or I will be discarded for someone better.

My therapist said this. It's like pigeons if you are scared of them you see them everywhere. She was saying when you have bdd you are constantly looking at flaws and for someone who's better looking and then compare but you are on high vigilance for this which most people are not.

You are safe OP he chose you to be his life partner.

That makes sense. I related to what your therapist said. Thank you for sharing that with me.

I agree with this.

Also,

said that was really weird of me and no other women think like that

Crazy that your husband knows what all women think! If only he used this impressive power for good.

Essentially it doesn't matter if it's a "normal" insecurity to have or not. Your husband should respect your feelings.

Since you asked, yes, I think the way you feel is unusual. With my DP as with everyone else I’ve dated we’ve commented on how people look, or if someone is attractive. I’d find it uncomfortable to have to moderate idle chat because of someone else’s insecurities tbh.

Your feelings aren't abnormal whether they're typical or not.

Personally I do point out the hot guy particularly if it's down to the theme or Vikings etc in the shows we watch, and I'd equally point out the most attractive females altho I'm straight (yes Lagertha, you) and I wouldn't think twice of him doing it back. He will occasionally send me memes of Thor aka Chris Hemsworth.

BUT it upsets you and it isn't a big deal for him to not tell you, so he shouldn't. You not knowing matters more than him telling.

Just men? You realise women do it too? Are we also terrible humans or is that ok because we're not men? Like DH totally knows why I'm going to see Kraven and it's not the plot line....

I agree, this isn't a 'man' thing. It's a people thing. If you're both secure in a relationship then you can make such comments without it being an issue. In fact it's a positive sign I think (I know my DH loves me and is very attracted to me, it doesn't affect me if he also fancies Courtney Cox, but I'm glad we can be honest about stuff).

That said, I understand Op.... he knows you have Body Dysmorphia and yet still makes the comment. That's unkind.