Confused

[Sandie9]

Hi ladies, don't know what your take is. I'm in a 6 year relationship, engaged for five. Second long term relationship for us both. We are both in our mid fifties,kids grown up. His three nearby and mine living abroad.
I moved in with him 4 years ago (I have my own house an hour away) to make it easier for both of us with the commute and also he had bought an old large derelict house at auction so we were working on that since lockdown. We are still working on it as it's a huge project plus he built his one of his daughters house in between. I'm beginning to feel and probably have for a while a little unsettled (although very happy with him). I work full time and also help as much as I can with the house renovation (as well as all the grocery shopping, cooking,cleaning,laundry). Now, financially I only contribute half towards groceries and taking my turn paying for meals or treats out,and have offered to pay my share of electric also but he wouldn't hear tell of it.
My worry is this,I'm working hard on the renovation with him amd I feel I'm sacrificing a lot of my time for it and he has never said that if he died or something happened that part of it would be left to me. I've brought up about a wedding date and he says he'l will but really wants more done to the house first which I understand. Otherwise regarding wills/the house I broached the subject over a year ago and asked about what would happen if God forbid something happened to him would I habe to move out? He said no that he would have to make a will,amd I said that's fine. He has never mentioned that since. I sm thinking of asking him again tomorrow outright what way has he it or am I wrong? I'm quite a easy going and soft person so this isn't easy for me but it just doesn't sit right with me now. More info,he runs and owns a business with his son. My only interest is the house that I'm l8ving in amd working on.
Any advice welcomed thank you x

You're in a precarious position without him having a Will or being married - see if he will agree to a wedding next year or think about your options if not

Thank you..my eldest and one if his get married in 2025,and he wants to do more on the house before getting married so I think he needs to discuss a will. I am happy to share the inheritance if the house with his three,I just want to know I'd ve recognised for my work amd time sacrifice...

Why does the house matter more to him than marrying you? Does he really have any intention of getting married? Sounds like he's stalling

I can definitely see where you're coming from..I think I have decided to talk to him tomorrow and ask him about a will and to let me know when he's made it..I'm not going to ask again. And I could be wrong but if he doesn't cone back to me and discuss it and have it sorted within a month or two I'll have to reconsider. But I worry that he'll think I'm only with him fir security and not live,which is definitely not true I have my own place that I could be living in now with no stress or hard work if a renovation, I only want recognition for my sacrifices. I'm sad that he's neber turned around and said, I know you're helping and sacrificing and I've made sure you'll ve looked after re this house if anything should happen to me..and on another note,his kids or the daughters partner have neber helped him.working at the house aside from about two days..

@Sandie9 if you didn’t have a house of your own and were paying towards the mortgage / bills of his house I would see your point. But in the scenario you describe would it not be that your asset is your house and his asset is his house? You must also be saving money by not paying any bills at his house which you can put away? I have done this before where I moved in with someone and I kept my own house. I also didn’t pay bills so I just saved what I would have been paying towards a mortgage. When we split up I didn’t expect anything from him/his house. I wouldn’t have expected to keep my house, save money by not paying bills but then also take a share of his house?

Yes I they have been my thoughts also up til now, but I put an awful.lot of time working at it and assisting him to do it in every way. I forego visiting friends and doing things I'd like to do to be there to help him,which I know he expects me to do. It's my time Iamd work I'm putting into it that's my point..

I think you need to insist on paying half bills etc in that case then, get your name on the council tax, bills. If you can show you have been living there and contributing then you would have a claim if anything were to happen. I assume though that he won’t hear of taking money off you towards the house because he knows exactly this. Until he puts your name on everything and paying towards the house then stop doing work on the house. I used to do certain stuff in my ex’s house like paint a fence or general upkeep but I would never have done excessive work or paid towards an extension or anything like that unless it was “our” house and I was paying towards the bills.

OK so there's two seperate issues.

1. He doesn't want to marry you. And that's a fact because you've been 'engaged' 5 years. Except, you haven't. What actually happened is he has given you a 'shut up' ring.

1. HE bought a house with HIS money. And yes, he is being a cheeky CF expecting you to spend so much time on it. BUT you are not entitled to a share of HIS house. And you are being a cheeky cf to expect it. You are not his wife. I understand that he sold you some bs about wanting to gibe you some share in it...the same as he lied yo you about wanting to get married...but it's horseshit.

So, stop breaking your back. I'm not saying don't help your bf but don't do more than you want to. Secondly, if you ever want to get married, set a date. Tell him it's in the next 6 months or not at all. If he says that doesn't work for him or of he doesn't stick to the planning, call it a day because he.will.never.marry.you.

Thank you all for your advice and I know and understand its his house. But, I really feel I'm sacrificing a l9t of my precious time on it. If sonething happened to him in the morning his three kids would have all, including this house I've worked hard on and I'd have to move out,that hurts a little..

So stop putting up with it.

Either get married or move out.
STOP being his free house slave.

Does he use you as his babysitter too by any chance?

You don't have a leg to stand on if your name is not on any bills. And personally I wouldn't entangle myself any further with someone who is using you like this.

You're accepting crumbs. And you seem to think that being nice and helping him is going to get him to respect you. It isn't.

I think we women fall into a trap of thinking that if we are 'good' enough to them, they will see our worth and marry us. It doesn't work with people who only want to take the piss.

In your situation I think I'd move out and cut my losses. Otherwise you'll be back here in another 5 and he's still not married you...or worse, he's left you for some other young thing who isn't sick of his shit and will spend the next decade of HER life kissing his arse for table scraps.

Time to lose the tinted spectacles and gtf outa there.

Are you actually contributing to the renovations in monetary terms? If something happens to him then I would hope the family would give you several months grace before asking you to move out but I personally wouldn’t expect any share of something I hadn’t paid towards. If you’re paying towards the renovations though then it’s different. I think the biggest issue is that he doesn’t want you paying towards the bills which suggests he has no intention of sorting his will for you. Sounds to me like he is trying to ensure you don’t have any claim to his house which also goes hand in hand with him stalling on getting married. I would say to him from tomorrow you are going to start transferring him half the bills. If he refuses again then I think he’s been selling you a dream here.

Stop being a passenger in your own life, op. Sorry, but being "soft" will get you nowhere and in one hell of a horrible position if he dies.

Stop being a doormat and speak up. Tell him you want to get married now, and there is no reason not to. You can go to the registry office and get it done. If he balks, you have your answer, and you need to completely reevaluate this relationship and what you're sacrificing for him.

If your partner won't set a wedding date, there's no way he is going to gift you a proportion of his house in his will, in return for your help with the renovations.

Not baby sitting as kids all grown up,but help minding his two grandkids from time to time. He is a genuine guy for sure and I feel bad but I will have the conversation.

If he's a genuine guy then sit him down and say:

'I'm afraid that I do not feel assured to your word regarding the property. I have been putting my back out helping with only vague assurances... that you unfortunately haven't followed through on. How do you propose we resove this?'

And

'Regarding the marriage, are we proceeding? Because we have been engaged 5 years. That is 4 years too long. I would like to set a date for this spring or summer. I do not wish to put it off any longer and I am not willing to. So I would like to know if we are going to shit or get off the pan'.

He keeps putting off marriage talks and you’ve been engaged for five years means he has no intention of marrying you.
You are helping him renovate his house so when anything happens to him his adult children will get it.
Any talks either about marriage or wills will end up with him being evasive because he has no intention of doing anything.
I would move back into your own house, have your own life with friends and family. You can still see him but stop wasting your life doing up his house and waiting for him to marry you.

I will be happy to pay half bills. I have my name on the electric bill,which he knows, (as I set it up when it was all being reconnected as it was a derelict house). Even if I pay half the bills I would have no right to the house if something happened to him in this country. One only has rights if they're in a civil partnership, have their name on the title deeds, left sonething in a will ir married. Living together has no rights and paying half the bills doesn't change this.

But you have your own house. He has a house and you have a house. You have chosen to live in this one. I hope you are not paying for renovations, but if you mean you are painting it or whatever, I would think that is reasonable considering you are living there.

I am not paying for the renovations. But it has been 4 years already with at least another two of all our free time working on the house. I have painted all the top floor (amd put my back out and had a back operation), I've tended to and assisted him while he's doing the heavier work,and done all in the house re housekeeping. It is only a recognition of my sacrifice of my time.

I'd start to step back a bit when it comes to all the work you are doing on the house. He is using you as free labour isn't he?

Surely you choose to be free labour. Stop if you don't want to. I think it's a bit cheeky to expect part of his house when you've paid nothing. I also think even your labour is a trade off for living rent and bill free.
Are you going to give him part of your house? If you were male you'd be getting very different replies, especially when you own elsewhere.

I forego visiting friends and doing things I'd like to do to be there to help him, which I know he expects me to do.

He expects you to do it. There you are then @Sandie9 that's the problem. So what are you going to do about it?

Have you yourself got a will ? Insurance ect in place ? Just thinking as a conversation starter.

I would suggest a civil partnership next week at this point tbh.

I can't will my house as I only have it for my day, I renovated a small house next to mums for myself,0aud for it but my m9ther willed it yo me for my day only,which I'm happy enough with. Else I would include him.in my will, but can't. I will though regarding money etc I'll leave it equally with him and my two kids.

You probably should let him have his house for him and his kids only then and just stop investing your time and skills if you feel wronged not to have a stake in it ?