I need an outsiders opinion

[Thankfkitsfriday]

When you're on the inside I don't think you see the whole picture but sometimes I don't even know what that picture is supposed to look like

My partner suffers from depression and has done for years. He takes a low dose of medication and doesn't want to up it. He did try therapy years ago for years but it didn't work. I don't think he understands that it's hard on me as well. Or he doesn't achknowledge it is. I feel selfish for admitting that and saying that to him but it is. The constant ups and downs. The fierce emotional support I have to give the things I have to jump in on if he just isn't feeling it. It's draining sometimes. He's a good partner and good dad but that cloud overshadowing everything isn't half consistent and there is just nothing that is changing it. He works part time and looks after the kids and I work full time. I know looking after the kids is hard work and I support him best I can. He hates his part time job, he can't manage working full time so he has to work around my schedule and there is very few and far between jobs he can do to help get the money in that work around me so it's taking some time to look. He has no motivation, easily stressed and honestly, just down right sad. Not all the time, but often enough that it's grating. I switch between being the supportive partner, telling him to take frequent breaks whilst I manage the kids, giving him an afternoon off, taking on a bulk of the bills shopping appointments ( he does the housework) ask him how I can help, does he want to talk but nothing changes then I find myself getting resentful and annoyed, wanting to tell him to build a bridge, suck it up and do some self help but I know it's not as cut and dry as that so I don't say anything. The job isn't helping his mood by far, but overall the cloud is just his depression. I just want to know any advice on how to change things? I'm not expecting him to be cured I know that isn't a thing but we can't live life like this forever. Am I being too soft? Do I do cruel to be kind or carry on as I am and find different ways to help?

How old are the children? Are they happy? How long have you been married? How old are you?

I think a conversation with him about trying harder to help himself would be in order and if things don't improve I would seriously consider splitting up.

What things make him a good partner and dad ?
If he won't help himself there is no chance if improvement ?

What does a week in your life look like ? Like what happens in the evening when the kids are in bed ? What fun activities at weekends and holidays ?

I think he has to look at upping or changing his medication or engaging with therapy. Yes he is depressed, but he can’t just keep leaning on you as it is not fair to you.

I have a friend whose husband has depression and from the outside he very much uses it to get his way. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s not just about depression it’s about what kind of person your husband is. It feels like he has mental health issues so she is never allowed to be stressed or depressed, he never needs to take ownership of anything because he has depression.

I say this as someone who has had depression in the past, I’m not completely ignorant but he needs to realise the impact he is having on your life and treat it like any other illness and try to help himself.

He needs to try a different therapist... the right therapist is not easy to find.

I've been working through similar stuff. Magic mushrooms and therapy plus movement practices have made a huge difference in the last 3 years.

I might be assuming alot but TBH the vast majority of depression has it's roots in parental neglect of some sort.
Buy him the book They F*k you up by Oliver James if he's a reading/intellectual type.
Otherwise this one:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X

Heya I didn't want to be too specific if I'm honest but we're both in our early 30s, children are young. We've been together since our teens so a long time. He's always suffered. When I was younger I was a lot more optimistic, naive probably the right word of I can fix him, I'll sort him out but as the years have gone by it's started to drain me more and more. Both children are happy and oldest has never communicated anything different to me about her dad or shown signs of anything

Thank you for your honesty I think you're right and needed to hear it

I've felt the same. If he won't try anything else or help himself we'll just ride this boat forever until I eventually get too fed up. He will do anything for his girls and will push himself to his limits and do the best he can (suppose like all parents do). As he works evenings we're a bit like passing shops. I come home he goes to work but he is back in time for kids bedtimes so will put one or the other to bed. Then evening watch programmes we like together, we both enjoy gaming so play the playstation together, most of the evening is spent together as are weekends. Holiday once a year. Sometimes we'll go the cinema or out to eat but very few and far between right now because we have a young one.

I agree with this . He need to help himself . You can support all you like but it’s just allowing him to continue as he is .

I have all the tile for people who want to get the help but you have went above and beyond it’s make or break .
He shapes up or ships out.

@DarkDarkNight This really helped and thank you for comparing it to someone else. I don't have anyone in the same position as me so it's hard to tell what's normal sometimes and what isn't. It's hard to say but I definitely think sometimes he victamises himself. He always has the bigger problem, I deal with all the bills and money and he has openly admitted to burying his head in the sand plenty of times because he doesn't want to deal with something that needs dealing with, so I just do It myself. I'm used to it now but it's not easy and it's not right. I've tried talking to him about money and bills cutting down etc all the normal stuff but it just goes in one ear out the other like he doesn't really want to take it in.

Thank you for this. I agree and this is why I have ended up making this post. There is only so much I can do he has to help himself and he doesn't want to so just continues to lean on me. Thank you for the support I don't feel I'm insane lol

Thank you I will look at this. Maybe that is the case he just needs a different therapist you're right loads of options out there just finding the right one thank you

I may be harsh but 'depression' when he's already working p/t doesn't mean he can't increase his hours, retrain, or find a new therapist.

Also his GP could refer him to a psychiatrist for more experienced help.

At the back of my mind, I'd be wondering if he's being lazy and his MH is an excuse to never look for more work or retrain (I don't for a moment mean that all depressed people behave like this.)

You're both too young to carry on like this forever. It's no future for you and none for him either. He must have low self-worth already, but he's not helping himself, is he?

Has he ever had any interest in anything outdoorsy or physical ?

I'm not sure if I've caught this right but it looks like daytime he looks after the kids housework cooks ect then goes to work a few hours then comes back and either TV/ game. The endorphins from either physical exercise our being outdoors are way way way underestimated. Like a weekly sport or something outdoorsy may make a huge difference. I also think you should focus on doing something for you, directly like alone or with freinds it may help give you more heads pace to support him too.

As a PP says I'd be encouraging him to get out and about, maybe join a 5-a side footie team, or a HIT class, or something where he gets exercise and meets other blokes. GPs are now supposed to prescribe things like gardening clubs, walking groups, exercise as well as or instead of meds.

You can have a look at MIND's website, talk to their helpline, get him to talk to them and maybe find a supportive activity where you live.

I might be assuming alot but TBH the vast majority of depression has it's roots in parental neglect of some sort.

Absolutely this. There is a real problem in these situations that people can get completely stuck in the patterns of behaviour that drive them and that things won’t change. It takes an awful lot of insight and effort to change. Really good therapy and really good support.

My parents were emotionally neglectful. I had a lot of issues from that that took years to address. A very good friend of mine had very similar issues, I presumed she would come through them as I had because she developed a good understanding of the issues but she isn’t willing to make the changes for herself. She leaned extremely heavily on me for a long time and eventually I had to completely step back because it became obvious that she wasn’t willing to address her own adult issues. It does not sound like your husband is willing to either.

This

Sorry. It doesn't get any better unless someone really puts in a lot of effort.

Wish I had taken this advice a long, long time ago.

Why do you think being cured isn't a thing? Many of us have suffered with depression for years but finally got out of it. In my experience a really good therapist is key. Too many people say 'therapy won't work for me' as if all therapists are alike, as if some aren't better or more appropriate for you personally.

You need to push him to get more help and its OK to leave him if he won't. You're so young still! Don't Settle for this.

My DH has depression so I do understand. It's very draining and can be isolating . There's loads of therapists on google if he's OK with telephone therapy .you can see their specialisms on there . Maybe he has kind of run their course with the current one . That's a massive help. They've got someone else to offload on. Could he change jobs to something he'd like more ? Or would he be the same with any job ? Thankfully, you've got your work to get you out and about, and without being blunt, your hours being different is probably a boon. Make sure you keep your own interests and nurture your own friendships . I make sure to keep my friendships quite separate in a way . Obviously, their paths occasionally cross, but DH's filters can be off - probably due to the medication etc - so its very occasional!
Just make sure you look after yourself in all this. Dont lose yourself in caring for everybody else . .

I have had depression and have lived with a depressed partner, so I feel for you both, OP.

But also, think of your children. I grew up in a household under the cloud of my mother’s depression, and I am pretty sure a lot of my own difficulties stemmed from that. My mother’s depression was never diagnosed or treated.

I don’t think I showed any signs of depression as a child, because I tried to be the bright and cheerful presence that lightened the atmosphere. But that role-playing causes psychological problems in itself.

My defences as an adult have been to stay physically and mentally active, preferably with things I can enjoy or at least find useful or motivating. To get outdoors as much as possible. To take lively exercise, eg running or dancing. To do fun things whenever possible with people who lift my spirits.

I think your partner has to become more proactive, OP. (And I know how difficult that is.) I’m worried that your children are ‘learning’ depression as I did. Would they be better off, with you, in a household without that heavy grey cloud pressing on them.

I wish you all the best of success in dealing with this.

I too grew up with a depressed parent. Myself and my siblings weren’t taught to be happy, instead we were taught to always focus on the negatives, to feel sad, to feel suspicious and anxious etc. As a result of this taught behaviour I was prescribed depression tablets when I was 12 and attempted suicide at 14. I spent my early adulthood feeling miserable and then my 30s trying to reprogram my thought patterns. My sister internalised her feelings so she wouldn’t upset her parent and as a result of this she has a binge eating disorder and at 20 stone can no longer sleep without a CPAP machine.

If he isn’t trying relentlessly to overcome his depression, as others have said, it’s time to consider if separating is the best thing for you and your children.

He was/is trying to retrain but he lacks motivation so doesn't finish/convinces himself it's not worth it and staying in the same pattern.

I've never thought about a psychiatrist if I'm honest that's a good suggestion thank you.

I agree we cant and I don't want to live like this. I am approaching my wall very quickly. He has very very low self esteem. It's a shame because he is clever and bright but he just doesn't think so and has no confidence in himself. He definitely is not helping himself. Thank you for your comment

He enjoys running but he developed a problem with his foot last year that currently makes it painful to run. He also used to have a home gym that he done weights on and went good for a while but then slowly lost interest and that was that. But I agree physical activity is the winner here and I will definitely be encouraging us both in the new year to do more outdoorsy things. Thank you so much

Thank you I'll have a look into this definitely MIND website. He refused to talk to them because they are not trained but I will talk to them.

He has admitted before his depression probably stems from his childhood.

I think that is it that he's in a pattern that he doesn't want to change but it's not healthy for him but he can't change it then he just goes round and round in circles. Thing in the main problem he says right now is work but he's been suffering for years. Once one problem is solved another one will surface and he focus on the problems and negatives. I have pointed it out before and again, he has admitted this. He isn't blind to it