I need an outsiders opinion

[Thankfkitsfriday]

When you're on the inside I don't think you see the whole picture but sometimes I don't even know what that picture is supposed to look like

My partner suffers from depression and has done for years. He takes a low dose of medication and doesn't want to up it. He did try therapy years ago for years but it didn't work. I don't think he understands that it's hard on me as well. Or he doesn't achknowledge it is. I feel selfish for admitting that and saying that to him but it is. The constant ups and downs. The fierce emotional support I have to give the things I have to jump in on if he just isn't feeling it. It's draining sometimes. He's a good partner and good dad but that cloud overshadowing everything isn't half consistent and there is just nothing that is changing it. He works part time and looks after the kids and I work full time. I know looking after the kids is hard work and I support him best I can. He hates his part time job, he can't manage working full time so he has to work around my schedule and there is very few and far between jobs he can do to help get the money in that work around me so it's taking some time to look. He has no motivation, easily stressed and honestly, just down right sad. Not all the time, but often enough that it's grating. I switch between being the supportive partner, telling him to take frequent breaks whilst I manage the kids, giving him an afternoon off, taking on a bulk of the bills shopping appointments ( he does the housework) ask him how I can help, does he want to talk but nothing changes then I find myself getting resentful and annoyed, wanting to tell him to build a bridge, suck it up and do some self help but I know it's not as cut and dry as that so I don't say anything. The job isn't helping his mood by far, but overall the cloud is just his depression. I just want to know any advice on how to change things? I'm not expecting him to be cured I know that isn't a thing but we can't live life like this forever. Am I being too soft? Do I do cruel to be kind or carry on as I am and find different ways to help?

I think that is it that he's in a pattern that he doesn't want to change but it's not healthy for him but he can't change it then he just goes round and round in circles. Thing in the main problem he says right now is work but he's been suffering for years. Once one problem is solved another one will surface and he focus on the problems and negatives. I have pointed it out before and again, he has admitted this. He isn't blind to it

That was the exact same rut as the friend I mentioned. She became very clear on the causes, on some of the patterns of behaviour but she refused absolutely to see the part she plays in the pattern of behaviour so just keeps going around the merrigoround, that would be okay if she didn’t expect me to keep going around with her too. Eventually as you are finding it gets exhausting for the people around them.

If your DH is unwilling to see his own part in the patterns and to break those patterns, you have to start look at your own part in the patterns and you start doing something different. Your pattern is endlessly supporting him while he goes round and round, you might need to look at dropping that rope.

Exactly. Many depressed people work full time and support their families.

He is a dependent, not a partner. Where is his concern for you?

I'd be looking to get rid.

Firstly the dose of an antidepressant does not mean it is stronger/more effective. My dose of venlafaxine is 300 mg daily but this could equate to say 100 mg of sertraline
Your husband's depression may never be cured but possibly it can be better managed. I think it is likely to be longlasting and deepseated if he was exposed to significant adverse life events in early childhood.
I myself have asked for help from a mental health team over the past 18 months. I live alone and that brings advantages and disadvantages. A visiting CPN can be helpful and acts to spur me into trying new things/finding different ways of coping.