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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband behaviour

29 replies

Summer45 · 30/12/2023 19:27

I need to try and get some clarity so I thought I’d post on here ! This is going to be a long one !
I had a procedure done at hospital on Thursday husband came home, fleetingly asked me how I was and that was that! Anyway last night he went to help a friend install a tv and got home at 8.30pm. He made dinner and I felt very woozy, bleeding (normal after the procedure) and very weak. I needed him to help me clean the shower but he said he couldn’t as he felt sick! Fair enough I did it myself even though I eas in bad shape. He got me clean clothes etc. This morning I was in a lot of pain so at 6.30 I woke up he asked if I was ok and then went back to sleep. I went downstairs so as not to wake him and stayed there alone on my phone till 10.45 I went upstairs back to bed and asked him if he could get up to go and get some sanitary pads as I was down to my last 2. He took ages getting up and started replying to his work messages!
Anyeay he finally went came home and made me a sandwich and he’s not checked on me in 5 hours!!! Now I’m fine it’s not the point. he said he had a 3 hour nap as he’s feeling a bit under the weather (the poor luv) I asked him 40 minutes ago if he could fix me dinner and I’m still waiting !!!!!!
Am I being too demanding by expecting a bit of attention ?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2023 19:31

You came home from hospital and felt cleaning the shower was essential? Bonkers. Your DH does sound a bit blasé about looking after you though.

Greycottage · 30/12/2023 19:32

No you aren’t unreasonable, he is being crap.

Is he the kind of guy who usually likes all the attention being on him? Sounds like he is doing it intentionally and out of resentment. I bet if the situation was reversed he would expect you to look after him.

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 19:32

I had to have a shower as I was bleeding heavily !!!!

OP posts:
Echobelly · 30/12/2023 19:34

Yeah he certainly could have been more attentive. But I do think a lot of guys are a bit blind to others not being well unless they mention it every 5 minutes or are writhing in pain. I got more patient about husband being ill when he explained that he would reiterate he's ill a lot (in man flu style) to be clear why he wasn't up and about doing stuff and I had a lightbulb moment that's why he's not good at noticing that I'm not well unless I absolutely spell it out, which I now do (as in 'Can you pick up the kids, I am not feeling well enough to do it' because he doesn't read 'I'm not feeling great,I think I've got that bug the kids have' as particularly ill).

Honestly they should be better than that, I'm not excusing it but I have noticed a lot of blokes seem to need it spelt out when the women in their life are really not well.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 30/12/2023 19:39

Understand you had to have a shower but if it’s that urgent why did it need cleaning first? Confused about that.

Otherwise it sounds like he’s doing that typical, possibly subconscious “you’re ill but I’m iller” thing that men do.

It does slightly sound like you’re expecting him waiting on you hand and foot though. So you’d always be disappointed!

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 19:52

I should have said the procedure was to terminate my pregnancy for health reasons so it’s been really hard on me. I feel abandoned by him tbh

OP posts:
SteadyEddi · 30/12/2023 19:55

Yep he should be looking after you physically and emotionally.

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 19:56

SteadyEddi · 30/12/2023 19:55

Yep he should be looking after you physically and emotionally.

Thank you

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2023 19:56

Ooh, bit of a drip feed there. Yes, given the circumstances I do think your DH could be stepping up a bit more. Ask for what you want/need - he probably needs it to be spelled out if he’s anything like my DP!

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 19:59

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2023 19:56

Ooh, bit of a drip feed there. Yes, given the circumstances I do think your DH could be stepping up a bit more. Ask for what you want/need - he probably needs it to be spelled out if he’s anything like my DP!

I did say I needed a bit care this afternoon and his response was he needed to nap for 3 hours.
i told him I was really hungry could he make me dinner he made it nearly 1 hour later !

OP posts:
Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 19:59

I know it sounds a bit silly but all I want is a hug

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 30/12/2023 20:00

Bloody hell OP, he’s useless. You need looking after. He couldn’t rinse a shower out because it had a bit of blood in it? Ffs.
Can you stay with someone else, have someone else to stay until you’re recovered?

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 20:02

Andthereyougo · 30/12/2023 20:00

Bloody hell OP, he’s useless. You need looking after. He couldn’t rinse a shower out because it had a bit of blood in it? Ffs.
Can you stay with someone else, have someone else to stay until you’re recovered?

No one I can stay with ! I specifically asked him to be here today as the hospital said they would only let me out if I had some to look after me at home. He said he’d be here but it’s been very half assed tbh

OP posts:
caffelatte100 · 30/12/2023 20:07

Can't you ask him for a hug? Tell him what you want.

frazzled22 · 30/12/2023 20:12

I'm sorry you're having to go through this upsetting time pretty much on your own.
I think you need to sit him down and say this is a very hard time for you mentally as well as physically and you need his support practically as well as emotionally.

Tell him the hospital said you have to take it really easy for the first few days and you need him to do pretty much everything for you and around the house so you can recuperate otherwise you'll end up back in hospital.
Take care of yourself and I hope you're soon healing Flowers

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 20:26

frazzled22 · 30/12/2023 20:12

I'm sorry you're having to go through this upsetting time pretty much on your own.
I think you need to sit him down and say this is a very hard time for you mentally as well as physically and you need his support practically as well as emotionally.

Tell him the hospital said you have to take it really easy for the first few days and you need him to do pretty much everything for you and around the house so you can recuperate otherwise you'll end up back in hospital.
Take care of yourself and I hope you're soon healing Flowers

I have tried but it’s falling on deaf ears. Thank you

OP posts:
Greycottage · 30/12/2023 20:28

Understand you had to have a shower but if it’s that urgent why did it need cleaning first? Confused about that.

This is the second thread in the last couple of days with posters posting obtuse nitpicky comments about minor aspects of the post when OP is in distress. Who cares if you are confused about the cleaning of the shower??? Use your imagination, like maybe it needed cleaning AFTER bleeding had occured in it? Or y’know, just keep your thoughts to yourselves unless you have something constructive or comforting to say about OPs actual dilemma?

OP - I am sorry for loss. I wonder if DH could be struggling with the loss, too, and this is what’s causing him to be quite crap and unsupportive?
Could you reach out to his mother/father/brother/friend and say “DH seems to be struggling with the situation, can you talk to him because I need his support?” Obviously depends on what relationship you have with him. But he needs someone to talk about his feelings to, in order that he can adequately support you.

DemelzaandRoss · 30/12/2023 20:29

He sounds extremely unkind, uncaring & selfish. Putting his own minor health issue before the physical & mental state that you have found yourself in.
So sorry for your circumstances. You have every right to feel let down by him. Would he even care about your feelings when you tell him? This was his baby too, is he not affected?

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 20:37

He’s said it just wasn’t meant to be and I’m too old at 42 to have another baby he suggested I have a hysterectomy

OP posts:
AuntySueDoesntGiveAShit · 30/12/2023 20:41

He sounds pretty awful op

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 20:50

Summer45 · 30/12/2023 20:37

He’s said it just wasn’t meant to be and I’m too old at 42 to have another baby he suggested I have a hysterectomy

Does this mean you were pressured into the abortion?

I needed him to help me clean the shower
you should have left the shower as it was.

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 21:00

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 20:50

Does this mean you were pressured into the abortion?

I needed him to help me clean the shower
you should have left the shower as it was.

Show quote history

No it was a surprise pregnancy but due to health reasons I had to terminate the pregnancy. I haven’t really processed it all yet tbh I’ve been focusing on the physical side of it all so far.

OP posts:
bunhead1979 · 30/12/2023 21:15

It really bugs me when people say “just ask for what you want”. You’d expect a partner to want to take care of and hug a sick and sad partner! Like imagine how they would like to be looked after when sick and start by doing that, it doesn’t take a lot to give a bit of time, care and attention.

I’m so sorry OP xx

Original poster
Summer45 · 30/12/2023 21:18

bunhead1979 · 30/12/2023 21:15

It really bugs me when people say “just ask for what you want”. You’d expect a partner to want to take care of and hug a sick and sad partner! Like imagine how they would like to be looked after when sick and start by doing that, it doesn’t take a lot to give a bit of time, care and attention.

I’m so sorry OP xx

That’s exactly what I think. Thank you

OP posts:
Staniam · 30/12/2023 23:03

You've Had to go through something sad and horrible, OP. Your DH has revealed a total lack of empathy. No wonder you're upset.

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