Separated, living together still, new relationship. What’s acceptable?

[TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs]

Situation - married for 20 plus years, children of school age, home owners.
Havent shared a bedroom for years.

One half of the relationship checked out a few months ago.
The spouse is heart broken and didn’t see it coming despite no sex or affection for many years.

Divorce filed, house going on the market in Jan.

The spouse that checked out has met someone else - no cross over although technically it is an affair given that the divorce hasn’t gone through.

What, if anything, is acceptable for the “checked out” spouse to do with new relationship.
Obviously not at or near the house. Not meeting the kids.

But meeting this person for drinks in the evening?
Staying over at their house once a fortnight?

Thanks.

It sounds like a PP nailed it - you've been checked out of your relationship for years and so had a lot of time to grieve and process it. I daresay you also feel that by having stayed in the marriage, you sacrificed for your family and deserve some happiness and it's your time to be you, especially having a realisation about your sexuality.

Your ex and your DC haven't had the same time to process everything, which they need. I appreciate your ex told the DC and that wasn't your choice. Is it essential that the house is sold in January? I think I would have to prioritise my DC stability and not sell the house if possible. Are you able to move out? That might help things all round if you also want to pursue the new relationship.

Why does he think you’re having an affair? Poor man, his whole life has imploded and you’re swanning off for dates embracing the new you and dragging your kids into it. So unnecessary if you actually cared about making the split as least traumatic as possible.

Seriously no one needed to know at all so you should have kept it under wraps for the time being. I do know a woman who was in a similar position as you and came out in her forties and left her DH but no children involved. She was a work colleague, we are not in touch a little, she is 20 years onwards and happy with the same woman partner.

When my ex left I was in shock for months. He must have checked out of the marraige some time ago but he had neglected to send me that memo. What I do remember of that dreadful time was how happy he was. He had planned this for ages and now he was free. He didn't have to pretend to be a good husband anymore. I was devastated. My ex may be out there telling the story that I should have known but that just makes it easier for him. I didn't.

I know that you want to crack on with your new life but please be mindful of what you have done to your ex and children. They need time to grieve. If your new love is a good one they will wait for you for overnights.

I am reading and processing. Thank you for the replies. It’s giving me thought.

If you just recently came out as gay after twenty years of marriage. I would be said you do not have to time to waste. However, you should have been more careful or considered with your ex and kids. Your DH acted badly calling on your affair with the family. I would try to move houses asap and start your new life away from him.

Op, while I respect your need and right to move on, I cannot help but feel you are rushing this.

Your children are only just coming to terms with their parents splitting. To add the extra dimension of a same sex relationship is

in my view too much and i am all liberal.

You have not yet split properties. This will unsettle your children and as someone who has divorced and shared children across two properties , the shared parenting takes huge a toll on children even with huge love and affection by both parents to each other on both sides and no additional partners on both sides. The children are always unsettled when returning home to each parent. You have not experienced this yet but you will. It takes time to manage their feelings again. They will need you unconditionally.
You don't know this is coming yet as you have not experienced it yet.. but it is. Your children will need you. I like you, was naive.

I understand you want to grasp this new love but are a mum. Is your new partner a mum? What does she need from you? Does she want you with her every night? Can you do that with sch aged children? Your flexibility is just not there. Are you going to move in with her? ? By all means leave and build a new life for yourself. Does your new same sex fully understand your responsibilities and the impact that it will have on your availability to peruse this relationship? Does she want children? Do you want kids with her? How will yr kids feel about that?

By all means get divorced, I have,just don't estimate the effect on your children and the support they will need weekly for yrs. You will have to put your wants and needs on hold and so-will your same sex. If she is that committed she will wait and support you in your family responsibilities.

Ten years ago I met my now partner whilst divorcing but still living with my husband. We went for dinner once a week and I stayed at his over some weekends. I would not have dreamed of having him to the house even though my husband worked away Sunday to Friday, very disrespectful and hurtful for the spouse

Fine that you’re gay, and fine to end a relationship for any reason. Your sole focus should be your kids, helping them navigate the breakdown of their family, process emotions, cope with the huge upcoming life change and upheaval, having to live between two houses.

Then, you should be single while recovering from decades of marriage. Learn who you are.

Jumping into dating without having done any of that is just a rebound relationship and is doing a disservice to all involved.

You could have just said “no, I’m not having an affair. Dad is very upset and angry, which I understand, but I haven’t done anything wrong.”
No need to actually have the affair!

The break-up is obviously life altering and shocking for your DH.

You seeing someone and your DH knowing you’re meeting up with them, when you’re still under the same roof is an incredibly cruel and selfish thing to do.

From my observations with this type of behaviour, nothing good comes out of it in the long run, because shitty behaviour usually catches up with you.

Personally I wouldn’t go near someone in this situ, utter headfuck
unless the new love interest is desperate or married ?

but frankly there isn’t any etiquette book for this cluster fuck !

protect the kids and treat the other spouse with kindness and respect (ha ha )

I would say not technically an affair. If you had filed for divorce and discussed the fact the marriage was over first then that means the marriage is over so no affair.
The rest is just legalities.