Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated, living together still, new relationship. What’s acceptable?

38 replies

TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 30/12/2023 17:35

Situation - married for 20 plus years, children of school age, home owners.
Havent shared a bedroom for years.

One half of the relationship checked out a few months ago.
The spouse is heart broken and didn’t see it coming despite no sex or affection for many years.

Divorce filed, house going on the market in Jan.

The spouse that checked out has met someone else - no cross over although technically it is an affair given that the divorce hasn’t gone through.

What, if anything, is acceptable for the “checked out” spouse to do with new relationship.
Obviously not at or near the house. Not meeting the kids.

But meeting this person for drinks in the evening?
Staying over at their house once a fortnight?

Thanks.

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 30/12/2023 18:42

i lived with my ex for a few months after we separated and I was heartbroken. Whenever my ex was late from home from work I assumed it was another woman and it was agony. (I think he had an emotional affair and nothing happened).

So I know that the person who has moved on has technically done nothing wrong and theoretically is free to date but I think it would be horribly painful for the other one if they knew their ex was already shagging around. I think the person who checked out should wait until they’ve moved out and should then be discreet for a while so that the other one can heal a bit. It’s basic respect for someone you were in a partnership with for so long.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/12/2023 19:05

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
The decision to split is made, however heartbroken one of the couple feels.
The children aren't involved and he/she isn't rubbing their ex's nose in it.

Original poster
TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 30/12/2023 19:49

I hear you.

Im the one seeing a new person. And I don’t think I’ve handled it very well, Im ashamed to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 30/12/2023 19:50

There wouldn’t be.
But I guess saying “can you have the kids while I go out.” is, even if it’s not intended.

OP posts:
Christmastree455555 · 30/12/2023 19:54

Honestly OP there is never going to be a “right” time to meet someone following a separation , one party is always going to feel upset whether it’s a newly separated relationship or one that has been seperated for a year or so.

what you could do whilst you are living together is having designated “time” with the kids, ie your ex husbands picks them up on I dunno a Friday night from school and entertains them throughout Saturday, leaving you free to see your partner. You then have the kids from Saturday lunch time to Sunday pm giving your ex a chance to do things without having to run it by the other person first?

Deathbyfluffy · 30/12/2023 19:57

TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 30/12/2023 19:49

I hear you.

Im the one seeing a new person. And I don’t think I’ve handled it very well, Im ashamed to say.

I have to agree, waiting just a few months after a 20 year marriage isn’t great.

Do what you want at the end of the day, but you can’t expect your husband (yes, he’s still your husband) to be thrilled about it

Original poster
TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 30/12/2023 21:41

My replies don’t seem to be working but in case this doesn’t work, this is in reply to Christmastree455555.

This is what we have been doing. But he’s really hurting and if I put myself in his position the pain would be unimaginable.

The other thing is, the person I’m seeing is the same sex as me.
Which is something I’m finding really difficult to let go of because all of a sudden every thing in my life makes sense, a massive penny has dropped and I’m very reluctant to let go of what I have and the person I’ve met.

OP posts:
lbf123 · 30/12/2023 21:48

My parents split after a 23 yr marriage, lived together for another 3 months before the house sold. Both started seeing other people and both tried to hide it from us "kids" (18 & 20 at the time) but it was so blatantly obvious they were both with other people and honestly, really painful to see our parents throw away our family so quickly, even though we were technically adults at the time.

This was 10 yrs ago and they have both moved on and we get on well with their new partners, I just wish they had been a bit more respectful whilst still all living in the family home.

Original poster
TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 31/12/2023 07:15

I haven’t tried to hide it from my children.
Ive had to be open and honest, mainly because I’m gay and it’s a big change.
They have been amazing, I’m so proud of them. But I’m not underestimating the impact this has on them.

I too went through something almost identical when I was 15 so I’m keen not to repeat mistakes.

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 31/12/2023 07:22

I think you're being unfair to your dc and over involving them in your love life.

DodgyDiagram · 31/12/2023 07:32

You’ve told your DC about the separation? (Good) or you’ve told them about the new relationship? (WTF?)

Deathbyathousandcats · 31/12/2023 07:33

My girlfriend of six years started dating the week after we’d split, we were still living together. It was absolutely heartbreaking, as I hadn’t seen it coming. Caused me a lot of trauma.

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/12/2023 07:38

TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 31/12/2023 07:15

I haven’t tried to hide it from my children.
Ive had to be open and honest, mainly because I’m gay and it’s a big change.
They have been amazing, I’m so proud of them. But I’m not underestimating the impact this has on them.

I too went through something almost identical when I was 15 so I’m keen not to repeat mistakes.

You’ve split with their Dad, started a new same sex relationship within a few months, and your children know all about this because it’s a big change so they “needed” to? Is that right? I’m sorry but WTF are you doing? This is beyond selfish and I’d say close to emotional abuse of your CHILDREN! It is not up to them to be supportive and “amazing” for YOU. You’re supposed to be doing that for THEM.

Sususudio · 31/12/2023 07:39

I think you are proceeding rather too fast. Don't tell them about the new relationship!

MichelleScarn · 31/12/2023 07:40

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/12/2023 07:38

You’ve split with their Dad, started a new same sex relationship within a few months, and your children know all about this because it’s a big change so they “needed” to? Is that right? I’m sorry but WTF are you doing? This is beyond selfish and I’d say close to emotional abuse of your CHILDREN! It is not up to them to be supportive and “amazing” for YOU. You’re supposed to be doing that for THEM.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree, happy new year kids! Mum and Dad are splitting up, mum's got a new girlfriend oh and you'll need to leave your home soon, but hey, mum's happy, alls good!

HazelWicker · 31/12/2023 07:45

I think you're being very selfish, OP.

The odds of the first relationship you initiate so close after leaving a marriage being a healthy and sustainable one, when you have just had such an epiphany about who you are attracted to, I can't think it's high. You've bounced into something huge really fast and not taken any time to let the dust settle for everyone involved. A decent potential partner would wait for you. They'd be part of the longer plan with separation and so on.

Do not seek support from your children. The way you have written posts makes it sound like you've sought their backing and support, which is so inappropriate. They are nothing to do with your love life.

MySugarBabyLove · 31/12/2023 07:49

You do nothing until you’ve moved out and the kids have come to terms with that.
If this person is decent they’ll still be there in six months. If they don’t want to stick around then the relationship was never going to last anyway.
Personally I would think anyone getting involved with someone who was living in the family home was being a bit of an idiot and would be telling them to distance themselves until the person had moved out.
“Marriage has been over for years” is the oldest cliche in the book. Anyone would be a mug to believe it until it was shown to be true.

QuillBill · 31/12/2023 08:14

You've got caught up with the excitement of starting a new life but you are going at it like a bull at a gate.

It's not your husband or your children's fault that the penny has dropped for you and you are ready to start dating. They need some time to process this news. I don't understand why you can't hold off until your house has sold.

I have to wonder if your children would be quite so understanding if you were seeing a man rather than a woman.

JustExistingNotLiving · 31/12/2023 08:19

The problem you are having is that you’ve checked ut many months ago (or years?). So now that the separation is in the open, you feel ready to move on. Which tbh is fair enough.

Your ex though hasn’t had that opportunity to grieve, get his head around the separation (even less so whilst still living in the same house).
Your dcs will be in a similar position.

Tbh I think you should have kept that new relationship secret. The fact it’s a gay relationship will have been another kick in the teeth fur your ex, making everything even harder to deal with (even though it might also explain why things didn’t work out too).
As everyone knows about it, I’d keep it as ‘understated’ as possible.
Maybe meet up but don’t stay overnight.
Have some designated time when each of you look after the dcs (even though I assume they’re not that young if you’ve talked to them about being gay). Plan some stuff for you to do then, hobbies, not just going to see your gf.

It would be very easy for you to get completely consumed by this new relationship, esp due to the fa t it’s so different. But as attractive as it can be for you, I think it would be very hurtful both for your dcs and your ex.
Once you’ve sold the house and both have your own house, it will be different. It shouldn’t be that long.

Original poster
TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 31/12/2023 08:27

DH told them angrily that I was having an affair, so I had no choice to be open and honest with them.

He made it sound awful.

So I had to have an open and honest conversation with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOnlyMatriarchThereIs · 31/12/2023 08:29

I am listening to everything everyone is saying.

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 31/12/2023 08:33

How old are your dc? To him it probably feels like you are having an affair in all honesty.
And sorry but it is awful..especially if they are still young enough that you are asking that he arranges things and needs to be in to take care of them while you are out on a date or staying over at your new partner.
How did you meet them?

Sodndashitall · 31/12/2023 08:38

Christmastree455555 · 30/12/2023 19:54

Honestly OP there is never going to be a “right” time to meet someone following a separation , one party is always going to feel upset whether it’s a newly separated relationship or one that has been seperated for a year or so.

what you could do whilst you are living together is having designated “time” with the kids, ie your ex husbands picks them up on I dunno a Friday night from school and entertains them throughout Saturday, leaving you free to see your partner. You then have the kids from Saturday lunch time to Sunday pm giving your ex a chance to do things without having to run it by the other person first?

Edited

We did something similar to this. Not because we wanted to go out with people but because it was so hard to jolly along together. Eventually it just worked out that we had one weekend day each and the other pne did whatever they wanted

Watchkeys · 31/12/2023 09:16

I don't think that 'what's acceptable?' is a valid question, because everybody's 'acceptable' is different. It's like asking if it's acceptable to be served broccoli. Lots of people will say yes, but not the person who's told her husband 100 times that the sight of it makes her nauseous, and he keeps serving her broccoli on it's own, every day.

What people on MN say isn't relevant. Your situation is very nuanced. How much your ex doesn't like it is personal. How much you're comfortable to hurt your ex is personal. You know all the nuances, we don't, so you're the one with the answers, here.

There are no rules, so there can't be a right or a wrong.

Kaltenzahn · 31/12/2023 09:30

Ah OP, firstly I want to say I'm happy for you and I wish you the best going forward.

You should absolutely be prioritising your kids right now in the aftermath of the separation. If you checked out months ago you've got a pretty big head start on coming to terms with it and they will probably need some time to catch up. If your new partner can't understand that you need to put your kids first for a while then they're not worth having a serious relationship with.

Personally I would say that going out in the daytime/evening is fine and you should do that regardless of whether you're meeting your partner, seeing friends or pursuing hobbies. It's good for you and your husband to have some space from each other and for the kids to get used to seeing the two of you as individuals rather than a parental unit. If you're going out in the afternoon your husband/DC don't need to know whether you're meeting friends or your new partner.

I would advise against overnight stays while you're all in the same house. Children and teenagers do not want to have to think about their parents sex lives and you being conspicuously absent overnight, after telling the kids all about your wonderful new relationship, could be uncomfortable for them which I think you should try and minimise at this very early stage. I also wouldn't talk about your relationship too much with the kids. It was shitty of your husband to bring that up in front of the children and I understand you may have felt a bit cornered but going forward I would really let the kids focus on the separation and house move for a while before you try and talk to them about new relationships.

Good luck! It might be rough for a while as you get through the first stages but hopefully once the dust has settled you'll all be much happier. I have a friend whose mum realised she was gay when we were kids, it was a rough few years but now we're adults they all get on well, both parents are remarried and my friend loves telling people she has three mums! 😂