Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated on for years maybe even our whole marriage

33 replies

fluffies · 30/12/2023 01:42

Hey guys I need a little support and maybe speak to people who have been through the same ...

So as my to title states my DH cheated on me with prostitues I do not know how long it was going on for as he wouldn't tell me all I know he's been doing it for a while.we have been married for over 20 years and I became suspicious after hearing him on the phone speaking quietly so one day I checked his phone and there was so many messages I cannot tell you how many but there was huge amounts. So I found this out a year ago and I chose to stay with him to see if we can make it work as we have 5 Dc but I feel like my year has been a blur I cannot remember much about it and there are days even weeks I'm so down and really want to end things but I feel guilty for my DC as he is the main breadwinner in our home so I would have to start from scratch. My head is all over the place I feel like I don't want to give up on us but was there ever a us I have so many questions but he refuses to answer as it makes him feel bad but what about me what about my feelings I just don't think I can do this anymore it will be a big step and I'm scared Thankyou for reading

OP posts:
Countessofcrisps · 30/12/2023 02:05

If you can find the strength to leave this creep then I think in the medium to long term you’d be happier. Yes it’s hard at first to manage alone but do you really want to stay with someone who treats you so badly? With 5 dc it must be particularly difficult to imagine coping as a seperated parent, I can see why you would want to try and make it work but it sounds like it’s not working for you so the time has come to take action. Think about what you’d like to happen - would you leave the kids with him and take yourself off for a few weeks to work out what you want? Or try and arrange a50/50 split for now which might still give you some time to yourself and to think about what your next few years might look like? Then, when you know what you want you can put it into action.

Pretying · 30/12/2023 02:34

You poor woman, you deserve a medal for having to put up with such a low life specimen.

You are the strong one, the decent one and the moral one, please don't stoop to this creatures level by thinking it's in any way acceptable, he's not worth the shit on your shoe.
Five children and all that pain and disrespect he's thrown at you whilst trying to bring up his children.

Fuck, he's horrible.
Have you ever told anyone ?, been to councelling, told the GP ?, been for screening of your sexual health ?

I think you need to, I know you must be scared but you do need support.
How about trying to call WA, it's confidential, if you do not feel strong enough to act now maybe by making small steps to talk to others may help you in the future.

Build your strength up and have a think.
x

Galectable · 30/12/2023 02:39

It sounds like he's dealing with an addiction and the chance of him changing is very low. He's been lying to you for years and now you rightly have no faith in him. Get your ducks in a row and get ready to give him his marching orders. If you are brave you will get the support you need. Good luck!!

RogueFemale · 30/12/2023 02:39

Go and see a divorce solicitor (first session often free). You may be surprised at how much money he'll have to pay you.

rockingbird · 30/12/2023 03:36

He's probably been lying throughout the whole of your marriage! Not to mention putting you at risk of potential sti's 😬 I know it seems like a huge deal but kicking him to the kerb really would be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. Get an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand financially-I'm guessing you're going to be much better off without him. There are many single parents in the world, many of which would have been scared to make that decision to go it alone (including myself) .. trying to make it work when the other partner is cheating very rarely works.

SutWytTi · 30/12/2023 03:41

You can stay for now while you focus on you and getting over the shock. You don't have to decide to stay or go today - you can take this time to think it through carefully. Get advice, get support.

You can use the next period of time to care for yourself by seeing a therapist, working on your own feelings.

You have been treated very badly. None of this - plus any fallout including separation - is your fault. Take care Flowers

Ladyj84 · 30/12/2023 04:47

I left an ex because of this, carefully planned leaving with the kids I had at the time and with help from family did it. The minute I found he was a serial cheat all the apologies in the world wouldn't make me sleep or be with him again. I spent a few years alone with kids and then met now hubby and realised what it is to be respected and loved properly

lljkk · 30/12/2023 06:01

This happened to my aunt. She then had 4 teen children with Uncle, she hadn't had a separate paid job (her own employment) in prior 17 years. She kicked Uncle out & immediately told all their mutual friends why. Aunt is (obviously) Awesome.

You'll work it out, OP. Don't sell yourself short.

Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:20

Countessofcrisps · 30/12/2023 02:05

If you can find the strength to leave this creep then I think in the medium to long term you’d be happier. Yes it’s hard at first to manage alone but do you really want to stay with someone who treats you so badly? With 5 dc it must be particularly difficult to imagine coping as a seperated parent, I can see why you would want to try and make it work but it sounds like it’s not working for you so the time has come to take action. Think about what you’d like to happen - would you leave the kids with him and take yourself off for a few weeks to work out what you want? Or try and arrange a50/50 split for now which might still give you some time to yourself and to think about what your next few years might look like? Then, when you know what you want you can put it into action.

It's hard to make the big step as the DC would be at loss without a parent unit but I do need to start putting my own feeling first Thankyou for your support x

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:22

Pretying · 30/12/2023 02:34

You poor woman, you deserve a medal for having to put up with such a low life specimen.

You are the strong one, the decent one and the moral one, please don't stoop to this creatures level by thinking it's in any way acceptable, he's not worth the shit on your shoe.
Five children and all that pain and disrespect he's thrown at you whilst trying to bring up his children.

Fuck, he's horrible.
Have you ever told anyone ?, been to councelling, told the GP ?, been for screening of your sexual health ?

I think you need to, I know you must be scared but you do need support.
How about trying to call WA, it's confidential, if you do not feel strong enough to act now maybe by making small steps to talk to others may help you in the future.

Build your strength up and have a think.
x

I was totally crushed beyond words and some days feel like it just all comes back then I also feel like I can't grieve for what I lost as it's been a year but the same old feelings are still there that still crushing heartache I've put up with so much I just don't know how to break away also I have been tested for sti and Thankgod I'm clear. I just can't help but think what drove him to do this as we had a perfectly normal sex life x

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:23

Galectable · 30/12/2023 02:39

It sounds like he's dealing with an addiction and the chance of him changing is very low. He's been lying to you for years and now you rightly have no faith in him. Get your ducks in a row and get ready to give him his marching orders. If you are brave you will get the support you need. Good luck!!

I do think it's been a addiction he's told me he's not done it since I found out but I just have no trust anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:25

rockingbird · 30/12/2023 03:36

He's probably been lying throughout the whole of your marriage! Not to mention putting you at risk of potential sti's 😬 I know it seems like a huge deal but kicking him to the kerb really would be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. Get an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand financially-I'm guessing you're going to be much better off without him. There are many single parents in the world, many of which would have been scared to make that decision to go it alone (including myself) .. trying to make it work when the other partner is cheating very rarely works.

The marriage papers we have are not recognised in the court of law unless we get a registered marriage now which is what I've been pushing him for so I can set myself up finically as I've put so much into this marriage that I don't want to end up penniless

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:26

SutWytTi · 30/12/2023 03:41

You can stay for now while you focus on you and getting over the shock. You don't have to decide to stay or go today - you can take this time to think it through carefully. Get advice, get support.

You can use the next period of time to care for yourself by seeing a therapist, working on your own feelings.

You have been treated very badly. None of this - plus any fallout including separation - is your fault. Take care Flowers

I feel like I shouldn't be grieving anymore and I should be over it all now but my heart still aches I get triggered by certain things too

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:26

Ladyj84 · 30/12/2023 04:47

I left an ex because of this, carefully planned leaving with the kids I had at the time and with help from family did it. The minute I found he was a serial cheat all the apologies in the world wouldn't make me sleep or be with him again. I spent a few years alone with kids and then met now hubby and realised what it is to be respected and loved properly

I'm so happy for you that you had the strength to leave and knew your worth I wish I could just do the same

OP posts:
2024anotheryear · 30/12/2023 15:29

fluffies · 30/12/2023 15:25

The marriage papers we have are not recognised in the court of law unless we get a registered marriage now which is what I've been pushing him for so I can set myself up finically as I've put so much into this marriage that I don't want to end up penniless

Show quote history

Why are the marriage papers not recognised in a court of law?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending a big hug. How you feel is quite normal, his conduct however is not.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2023 15:31

Oh op, I feel for you. I found out my Ex of 25 years was cheating a few years ago. I divorced him. Don’t regret it for a second. During the process it turned out he had cheated many times through the years. I had no clue and genuinely feel my entire marriage was a lie and a sham which is hard to deal with even now. However I am happily with someone else now and don’t dwell on the past, there’s no point.

PossumintheHouse · 30/12/2023 15:43

What do you mean when you say your marriage papers aren’t recognised?

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2023 15:55

If your marriage papers aren’t legal (how?) then you aren’t married so don’t need to get divorced. A lot simpler in some ways, more of a worry in others (financially). What’s the housing situation? I hope you are named on the mortgage?

RedRock41 · 30/12/2023 16:07

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He might be the breadwinner but you gave him and 5DC the best years of your life by sounds of it. Just not right or fair to have the rug pulled out from under you as to what you thought you had. Really not on he won’t talk or give you the answers you need too. Least he could do. Even if he did talk more could you count on it being the truth? Coming home to you every night and living a lie to indulge his own seedy desires repeatedly doesn’t make him sound God’s gift.
Hopefully you know (sorry for being obvious) none of this your fault. Sounds like he has a compulsion. Your choice too but mind its not you hurting the DC but him. Exposure too sometimes helps. Not fair you have to carry his shame. Don’t need to broadcast but truth (everyone different) can be liberating if anyone asks. Really hope 2024 brings you peace and healing. You deserve it.

Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 16:11

PossumintheHouse · 30/12/2023 15:43

What do you mean when you say your marriage papers aren’t recognised?

So basically I'm married with Islamic papers so we are married but the court of law doesn't accept this as a marriage only way around would be a civil marriage hope this helps

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 16:13

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2023 15:55

If your marriage papers aren’t legal (how?) then you aren’t married so don’t need to get divorced. A lot simpler in some ways, more of a worry in others (financially). What’s the housing situation? I hope you are named on the mortgage?

Unfortunately stupid me didn't ask for my name to be on the papers what a idiot move of me but I never ever in a million years thought this would happen to me

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffies · 30/12/2023 16:15

RedRock41 · 30/12/2023 16:07

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He might be the breadwinner but you gave him and 5DC the best years of your life by sounds of it. Just not right or fair to have the rug pulled out from under you as to what you thought you had. Really not on he won’t talk or give you the answers you need too. Least he could do. Even if he did talk more could you count on it being the truth? Coming home to you every night and living a lie to indulge his own seedy desires repeatedly doesn’t make him sound God’s gift.
Hopefully you know (sorry for being obvious) none of this your fault. Sounds like he has a compulsion. Your choice too but mind its not you hurting the DC but him. Exposure too sometimes helps. Not fair you have to carry his shame. Don’t need to broadcast but truth (everyone different) can be liberating if anyone asks. Really hope 2024 brings you peace and healing. You deserve it.

Edited

It's hard not to blame yourself I'm always asking myself what have I done wrong for this to happen I got married at the age of 18 and he's all I've known my whole adult life I feel so down when I think I wasted my life on this guy

OP posts:
Plum7 · 30/12/2023 16:33

You need to see a lawyer.

RedRock41 · 30/12/2023 16:33

Sometimes there are no answers. We live and learn. Suffer and heal. Guaranteed this is no reflection on you lovely. Men with this compulsion it wouldn’t of mattered if he was married to a supermodel. All the shame on him. Be very scary indeed if he’s all you have known your whole adult life but you have raised 5DC. That’s a magnificent legacy. It hasn’t all been in vain. They’ll be there for you always I hope whatever happens. We can’t always choose what life throws at us but we do have some control over how we react. Your dignity and grace which comes across in your post will stand you in good stead whatever you decide to do or not next year. Just rubbish this has being going on all these years. He’s not who you thought he was and if it is to survive he really needs to wise up and man up and has some serious reparations to make. You deserve no less so straighten your crown. It’s awful but absolutely not your fault.

JimnJoyce · 30/12/2023 16:39

Op do you live in the Uk?

Swipe left for the next trending thread