Page 2 | Cheated on for years maybe even our whole marriage

fluffies · 2023-12-30T01:42:55+00:00

Hey guys I need a little support and maybe speak to people who have been through the same ... So as my to title states my DH cheated on me with prostitues I do not know how long it was going on for as he wouldn't tell me all I know he's been doing it for a while.we have been married for over 20 years and I became suspicious after hearing him on the phone speaking quietly so one day I checked his phone and there was so many messages I cannot tell you how many but there was huge amounts. So I found this out a year ago and I chose to stay with him to see if we can make it work as we have 5 Dc but I feel like my year has been a blur I cannot remember much about it and there are days even weeks I'm so down and really want to end things but I feel guilty for my DC as he is the main breadwinner in our home so I would have to start from scratch. My head is all over the place I feel like I don't want to give up on us but was there ever a us I have so many questions but he refuses to answer as it makes him feel bad but what about me what about my feelings I just don't think I can do this anymore it will be a big step and I'm scared Thankyou for reading

Original poster

fluffies · 30/12/2023 16:47

JimnJoyce · 30/12/2023 16:39

Op do you live in the Uk?

Hi yes I do i was born in the uk and been here my whole life

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffies · 30/12/2023 17:16

RedRock41 · 30/12/2023 16:33

Sometimes there are no answers. We live and learn. Suffer and heal. Guaranteed this is no reflection on you lovely. Men with this compulsion it wouldn’t of mattered if he was married to a supermodel. All the shame on him. Be very scary indeed if he’s all you have known your whole adult life but you have raised 5DC. That’s a magnificent legacy. It hasn’t all been in vain. They’ll be there for you always I hope whatever happens. We can’t always choose what life throws at us but we do have some control over how we react. Your dignity and grace which comes across in your post will stand you in good stead whatever you decide to do or not next year. Just rubbish this has being going on all these years. He’s not who you thought he was and if it is to survive he really needs to wise up and man up and has some serious reparations to make. You deserve no less so straighten your crown. It’s awful but absolutely not your fault.

He has made changes on his behaviour but I do believe he's not done it again since I found out but is that me being naive he's told me it makes him feel disgusting and he's actually repulsed in his behaviour he also wishes it never happens but he was being selfish but I still feel at a loss he excepts me just to get on with life and forget it ever happened but a year on I'm still grieving and he doesn't understand that Thankyou for your kind words it means a lot

OP posts:

PeanutBrittleBanana · 30/12/2023 18:53

Hey OP
I am sorry you are going through this. I do not have first hand experienced but my sister is married to a sex addict. He has had in person and online affairs but not sex workers but it had been going on for a very long time
They have no kids through choice.
things only changed for the better when he agreed not to rug sweep what he did and actually change his mindset. This was through therapy for both of them (individually) and with marriage counselling.
She and I are very close and she wears her emotions very clearly.
some here may not agree but she is happy she stayed. He is truly a changed man but she had to threaten to leave to get him to see what was at stake and to take responsibility
what helped them as well was that apart from the affairs they has a good mariiage - I know again some people would say that isn’t true b cause of what he did but my sister would say that the good times they had together were not erased because of what he did.

I understand your marriage legality issue may not help matters and you have a complicated situation with having DC but rather than tell you to leave I encourage you to both seek professional help if you can. If not there is a Reddit group called AsOneAfterInfidelity that might be able to provide you with useful books/resources for you and your husband to read

best wishes OP x

PeanutBrittleBanana · 30/12/2023 18:54

cant edit but to add
My sister classes her husband as a recovering addict and the affairs became known about 3 years ago

Original poster

fluffies · 30/12/2023 21:49

PeanutBrittleBanana · 30/12/2023 18:53

Hey OP
I am sorry you are going through this. I do not have first hand experienced but my sister is married to a sex addict. He has had in person and online affairs but not sex workers but it had been going on for a very long time
They have no kids through choice.
things only changed for the better when he agreed not to rug sweep what he did and actually change his mindset. This was through therapy for both of them (individually) and with marriage counselling.
She and I are very close and she wears her emotions very clearly.
some here may not agree but she is happy she stayed. He is truly a changed man but she had to threaten to leave to get him to see what was at stake and to take responsibility
what helped them as well was that apart from the affairs they has a good mariiage - I know again some people would say that isn’t true b cause of what he did but my sister would say that the good times they had together were not erased because of what he did.

I understand your marriage legality issue may not help matters and you have a complicated situation with having DC but rather than tell you to leave I encourage you to both seek professional help if you can. If not there is a Reddit group called AsOneAfterInfidelity that might be able to provide you with useful books/resources for you and your husband to read

best wishes OP x

Thankyou I know there is a chance we could make it work but I feel like the betrayal is far to much for me to handle I also have no trust and all relationships are built on trust and respect x

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 30/12/2023 22:04

So your parents let you have a 'non-marriage' at 18, was it arranged? That was very wreckless of them given your age and naivety.
Does he have a salaried wage or work for himself? How old are your DC's, are the older ones more independent now?

Original poster

fluffies · 30/12/2023 23:59

Opentooffers · 30/12/2023 22:04

So your parents let you have a 'non-marriage' at 18, was it arranged? That was very wreckless of them given your age and naivety.
Does he have a salaried wage or work for himself? How old are your DC's, are the older ones more independent now?

No it wasn't arranged it was more we met and as we can't date we got married the law changed in regards to what's accepted hence why it no longer a legal document and my children are older I don't want to put it in here but the oldest is 20 and youngest 13 also my parents didn't have a choice as it's what I wanted hope this helps clear your questions

OP posts:

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 31/12/2023 00:33

OP I’m sorry but this man is giving you nothing but heart ache misery and Mis trust.
Now he won’t even put right the marriage and your not on the house . He cheats and lies and using sex workers behind your back and spends the family money on it too

Even without marriage I can’t see you legally being entitled to nothing.
You need to start talking to people instead of feeling trapped and miserable . The more you talk and get advice the more confident you will feel within yourself .

You deserve better . You have given it an extra year of your life . Time to move on . You can do it