Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I feel guilty/confess this?

26 replies

Trinny4 · 29/12/2023 23:38

I’ve been seeing a guy for around 6 months, has been very slow and at times a bit on and off as neither of us was sure what we wanted. But we have both decided to commit to eachother and try to make a go of it. I have really strong feelings for him and I’ve actually enjoyed taking things slow (as past relationships have been the opposite)
due to the way the relationship started, I was still on dating apps when we met (we met online too) and I had dates with 2 other guys during the first few weeks.
I also was in some contact with my most recent ex and there had been some discussion of us meeting to “talk things our” but ultimately I decided not to as he wasn’t good for me anyway.
now that me and my boyfriend have decided to make it serious and commit to one another I feel consumed with guilt about those things and feel like I should ‘confess’ to them. I haven’t slept with anyone else except him since we met but there has been flirting with other people definitely. If I thought we would end up where we are I would never have done those things and I feel awful about it now. I would never dream of entertaining anyone else now.
am I being silly or should I talk to him about this?

OP posts:
Fs365 · 29/12/2023 23:45

i Think talking to him about it would be a mistake, you have not dated or slept with anyone since deciding to commit, so stick to that

Original poster
Trinny4 · 29/12/2023 23:54

Thank you

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 30/12/2023 00:05

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Telling him would potentially open a can of worms when you actually have nothing to confess. It was early days, you didn't sleep with anyone else. Relax and enjoy your relationship. Good luck.

festivetinseling · 30/12/2023 00:19

Ask yourself what good would it do?

Dotcheck · 30/12/2023 00:23

But you haven’t done anything wrong! You were in the very early stages of dating ( not marriage, not relationship, DATING). It’s ok to date more than one person when you are shopping around. How would it work, otherwise?

MindfullyAmazedHorse · 30/12/2023 00:25

No need to talk. So long as you are happy and committed to each other from now on then that’s fine.

Observatusapluribusofficinis1 · 30/12/2023 00:33

@Trinny4 why risk the current potential relationship ? sometimes secrets are best kept as secrets

category12 · 30/12/2023 00:38

Gosh no, don't "confess" to any such thing. You weren't exclusive and it's quite normal to have other irons in the fire in the early stages of dating.

I'd be surprised if he couldn't tell you the same - after all when it was on and off, he may have been dating others.

And given your misplaced guilt around it, if you do tell him it'll sound like a much bigger deal than it was, and that could impact your relationship ongoing.

Don't you think it's unreasonable to have expected yourself to drop all other options from the moment you met this man, despite it being slow and on and off? It doesn't make sense.

Do you often self-sabotage?

Pyaar · 30/12/2023 00:41

No don't do it. I confessed something in a similar situation and once when i was with my ex and he never ever let forget it.

Original poster
Trinny4 · 30/12/2023 07:48

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
givemethetea · 30/12/2023 07:52

There's a reason conversations are had around commitment, this being it- you don't need to discuss what went before when neither of you had made a decision on where you wanted things to go

Notsuredontknow · 30/12/2023 07:54

You’ve done nothing wrong at all! Give yourself a break

BCBird · 30/12/2023 07:55

There is no need to say anything. Would you expect him to tell u things about what happened wuth him, if anything, pre commitment chst?

pilates · 30/12/2023 07:57

You have nothing to confess. Good luck with the relationship.

solice84 · 30/12/2023 08:06

Delete all messages from the others and forget about it

usernother · 30/12/2023 08:09

The only reason for confessing is to make yourself feel better which is selfish imo. No need to tell your current partner.

Catandsquirrel · 30/12/2023 08:15

There's nothing to tell, you were allowed to go on a few dates while on you found someone you liked. That's how online dating works. You don't just have one shot at meeting one bloke. Nothing to worry about, enjoy your new relationship!

Whenwasthis · 30/12/2023 09:34

There is absolutely no reason that I can think why you should feel guilty and think you have something to confress. You've done nothing wrong and must stop beating yourself up.
The first couple weeks of any relationship are blurry and hardly ever exclusive these days with OLD, and nobody expects this . You've had ' the chat ' and that's when it becomes official and boundaries are expected to be respected, from both sides. It wouldn't even be unreasonable to still chat with exes etc, but this can risk upsetting some men, so be careful with that, but from your misguided guilt I get the impression that this us unlikely.
You sound like a very considerate person and your new partner should value this.

Original poster
Trinny4 · 30/12/2023 10:04

Thanks. I have experience of this before where an ex made me recount nearly everything of my life before him and made me feel guilty for it. This was before we had even met so this kind of overlap doesn’t sit well with me even though we weren’t serious

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 30/12/2023 10:16

Maybe use this as an opportunity to confirm what monogamy looks like

off the bloody apps
no flirty chats with exes
and that when exes do make contact you tell them you are with someone ?

category12 · 30/12/2023 10:23

Trinny4 · 30/12/2023 10:04

Thanks. I have experience of this before where an ex made me recount nearly everything of my life before him and made me feel guilty for it. This was before we had even met so this kind of overlap doesn’t sit well with me even though we weren’t serious

That sounds emotionally abusive though, and like this ex instilled a false sense of guilt through this interrogation.

Don't let this ex's behaviour towards you shape your current relationship.

-Nobody gets off the dating apps immediately they meet someone new
-You went on a couple of dates that went nowhere
-You considered getting back with an ex (was it this nasty guy?)
-You didn't sleep with anyone else
-You hadn't agreed to be exclusive
and it was on and off between you.

The likelihood is that he also had other options at the time.

If I was the current boyfriend, I would be bemused by being told this stuff as if it was some great issue and as if it was something you'd done wrong, and might think there was more to it.

It's only likely to cause trouble between you for no reason other than feelings you have which were created by this abusive ex.

Original poster
Trinny4 · 30/12/2023 10:27

Yes it was that ex, he was still trying to creep back in and there was still come weird connection there for me where I wanted to him to want me. I know can see he was very emotionally abusive so I’m even embarrassed to say I kept in touch with him

OP posts:
category12 · 30/12/2023 10:27

Indifferentchickenwings · 30/12/2023 10:16

Maybe use this as an opportunity to confirm what monogamy looks like

off the bloody apps
no flirty chats with exes
and that when exes do make contact you tell them you are with someone ?

Don't be so ridiculous, this was the very early stages of meeting the chap - how on earth would she know it was going to turn into more than a couple of dates?

category12 · 30/12/2023 10:31

Trinny4 · 30/12/2023 10:27

Yes it was that ex, he was still trying to creep back in and there was still come weird connection there for me where I wanted to him to want me. I know can see he was very emotionally abusive so I’m even embarrassed to say I kept in touch with him

Don't be embarrassed - it's really common to feel drawn back to that sort of relationship. It's a weird psychological effect.

Might be worth doing the Freedom Programme or something similar to unpick some of it, if you haven't.

Original poster
Trinny4 · 30/12/2023 10:43

Thanks for your understanding

OP posts: