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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to help him get over me.

28 replies

HighlandSpring85 · 29/12/2023 16:22

Recently, within the last few days, split from my DH of 13 years. The split happened after he read some texts from a colleague and he moved out to a friend.
After reflection and some soul searching I have decided that I don't want to continue with the marriage.
He is distraught now and just keeps texting saying he's so sad and wants to cry all the time. I feel bad as he's had to leave and his whole life will change whereas mine won't really apart from the obvious not having him there.
We have a 7 year old, who is fine and knows very little.
I feel fine. I think I have autism so that makes it very hard to know if I'm feeling the right thing.
I don't want to be horrible to him but I do want him to know its over.
He can be angry but not violent.
We have a lot of things to split, two houses and some debt too so don't want to complicate that by making him angry.
Any ideas how to make this better for him? Thanks.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/12/2023 16:26

The kindest thing you can do is be very clear that it's over. Don't give him false hope or use phrases like "we'll see" or "I'm not sure" - if you are sure.

What is the situation at the moment, has he moved out?

LusaBatoosa · 29/12/2023 16:27

The split happened after he read some texts from a colleague and he moved out to a friend.

Could you elaborate on this, please? It’s not clear what happened.

Original poster
HighlandSpring85 · 29/12/2023 16:28

He has moved out yes.

I had been sending sexual messages to a colleague. He read them when using my phone.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 29/12/2023 16:50

So, you cheated on your husband, he’s the one who had to move out, and he’s understandably upset?

Yes, unless there’s a load of back story, you have been horrible to him. It’s only been a few days, so the poor man is probably still reeling.

HappyBusman · 29/12/2023 16:53

I’m puzzled as to why you think your life will continue unchanged, while his will change irreparably?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2023 16:54

Wow, that’s so incredibly cold. You’ve cheated on him, ruined his life as he knew it and seem to feel inconveniences by his understandable heartbreak. Self diagnosing autism to try and justify cheating is a new one, well done!

Hopefully he’ll find his anger once he’s accepted just what you’ve done to him and he’ll realise he’s worth more than the way you treated him. Which is pretty disgustingly.

alwaysmovingforwards · 29/12/2023 16:54

HighlandSpring85 · 29/12/2023 16:28

He has moved out yes.

I had been sending sexual messages to a colleague. He read them when using my phone.

That's a casual drip feed.

Wishing your partner every success. It'll be hard for them in the short term, but hopefully in time they'll move onto something so much better than the relationship they have with you today.

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 16:57

Wow ! You cheated and now very kindly want to help your husband get over you.

Torchdino · 29/12/2023 17:00

I wouldn't be so sure your life will be unchanged, you're married with a child and assets. If it goes to court which if I was him I would he will probably get 50/50 custody and half of the assets. Being nice to him now won't change that, I hope he gets sound legal advice. Just don't give him false hope, he doesn't need your sympathy.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 17:01

So you’ve cheated on him, he’s having to totally uproot his life through no fault of his own and is quite naturally devastated and you’re almost rolling your eyes at him for not accepting immediately his life as he knows it has ended.

Oh well now he’s gone you can carry on cheating in peace eh

I feel so sorry for the guy. I hope he does manage to move on and find someone who treats him with respect.

HappyBusman · 29/12/2023 17:01

Torchdino · 29/12/2023 17:00

I wouldn't be so sure your life will be unchanged, you're married with a child and assets. If it goes to court which if I was him I would he will probably get 50/50 custody and half of the assets. Being nice to him now won't change that, I hope he gets sound legal advice. Just don't give him false hope, he doesn't need your sympathy.

I did assume that it was finances that suddenly made the OP concerned about her DH’s happiness.

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 17:02

We have a 7 year old, who is fine and knows very little

You come across as very cold , has your son not noticed that his dad no longer lives with you?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/12/2023 17:06

HappyBusman · 29/12/2023 17:01

I did assume that it was finances that suddenly made the OP concerned about her DH’s happiness.

Show quote history

Op seems to be arrogant enough to think that she'll get the house and maintenance and full custody. Probably by continuing to be cold, selfish and manipulative!
The dh has made a lucky escape, hope he stays free!
(Awaiting drip feed of his 'crimes' now of course!)

StoorieHoose · 29/12/2023 17:12

You want to help him? Show him this thread and hopefully he will see what a cold hearted person you are

Coconutter24 · 29/12/2023 17:16

That is the most arrogant title I’ve ever read. You cheated on your husband of 13yrs and seem to think after a few days he shouldn’t be upset? I hope he realises he’s probably better off without a cheat and it sinks in what you’ve done to him, that might help him.
You seem to think his life will change and yours won’t, I’d prepare for changes if I was you, number one being having your child less. You say your child doesn’t know anything and is fine…. That’s because he doesn’t know anything! He soon will and will notice the changes. You “thinking” you have autism is irrelevant, only you know your feelings that’s ok but autism or not people know cheating is wrong

Goinoutalone · 29/12/2023 17:26

Ok @HighlandSpring85 as someone in very similar circumstances I will answer your question…the answer is you can’t. You need to just let him go through the grieving process. I suggest you both go to counselling to be honest.

My questions are though?
why do you think nothing will change for you? And why did HE move out? In my case,
i moved out (for many reasons, the main ones being I wanted to and I was the instigator in the separation)

Wherearemymarbles · 29/12/2023 17:28

You cheated, you move out…
I am not sure how you think your life wont change.

FPCculture · 29/12/2023 17:29

I do hope take a lesson from this to try to not hurt people ,even if not your thought process .

You can't do much tbh ,it's up to him especially that it's only his life that's now being affected as he wasn't ready to call it quits

LizHertz · 29/12/2023 17:30

Sorry you are getting a lot of flack, OP. If you have trouble with your emotions, that may be what coming across as cold here. You may also be in a bit of a shock/ freeze mode. It's difficult when you've upset someone but you really can't control how someone feels or change how they respond, you can only control your own emotions and responses.

I would advise to be clear about this being over and perhaps suggest some no contact for a short time? Something like, could we take in 2 days when emotions are not as heightened regarding what the next steps in this break up will be, eg child arrangements. People process things differently and at different speeds. It's not been an easy thing for him and I expect he's very shocked but that's for him to deal with in his own way.

FPCculture · 29/12/2023 17:31

I hope all men and women here are reminded by this to always have your own back as far as finances ,house etc. imagine someone cheating on you and you are the one that has to move out and start from zero

JustExistingNotLiving · 29/12/2023 17:31

What you can do
1- apologise for having an (emotional) affair with a colleague. I’m sure you know it was crap
2- you clearly have detached from the whole relationship. That’s why it doesn’t feel your life will be that different just now. You need to realise and accept this is not your DH case. He is coming to terms with the fact his marriage has disintegrated. You need to accept he is devastated, will be sad, grieving, angry and a whole lots of other emotions. These are normal. You can’t wish them away. You can’t make it better. The only thing you can do is recognise you are at the root of those and apologise (genuinely!)
3- you want things to be as amicable as possible. This is great, esp for your dd whose world has also collapsed. A good way to do that is to keep communication open, be fair in the split (finances, looking after dd etc etc).
4- Please do not assume you are gong to stay in that house and he has to find a rental. All because he went to clear his head with family. In his place, I’d move back home (it’s his house too right?) and start discussion on who is going to live where. Esp if you have two houses, there is a discussion on who is going to do what. And there is no reason why you should stay in the marital home and not him
Same with the split with your dc - you might end up with a 50/50 split between your house and his!!
5- go and see a lawyer to see what your real options rather than what might be wishful thinking.

LizHertz · 29/12/2023 17:37

Great advice @JustExistingNotLiving . Second all that.

JustExistingNotLiving · 29/12/2023 17:41

I think I have autism so that makes it very hard to know if I'm feeling the right thing.

Btw my experience with autism (one dc plus DH on the spectrum)
Your feelings are your feelings. You can’t do your feelings wrong.
However, my experience with dc+DH is that they both struggle to understand that other people will not feel the same than them. They struggle to get that because they feel ok with a situation, someone else (often me!) might not.

I think you need to keep that at the front of your mind.
You need to know and accept your DH won’t see things the same way than you. That he might get resentful fir example. Or sad, angry etc….

And that his way of reacting is ALSO right!!

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/12/2023 17:49

LizHertz · 29/12/2023 17:30

Sorry you are getting a lot of flack, OP. If you have trouble with your emotions, that may be what coming across as cold here. You may also be in a bit of a shock/ freeze mode. It's difficult when you've upset someone but you really can't control how someone feels or change how they respond, you can only control your own emotions and responses.

I would advise to be clear about this being over and perhaps suggest some no contact for a short time? Something like, could we take in 2 days when emotions are not as heightened regarding what the next steps in this break up will be, eg child arrangements. People process things differently and at different speeds. It's not been an easy thing for him and I expect he's very shocked but that's for him to deal with in his own way.

Only on MN can the person who's completely in the wrong get sympathy and 'oh poor you'!
Will you give that advice to the next poster who says their worlds fallen apart because they're relationship is over?
'Meh well your feelings are on you, what's he to do about it'?!

MaggieNextDoor · 29/12/2023 17:49

What a cold and unemotional reaction to the end of a marriage. You’ve been sexting a colleague - that’s disgusting behaviour. Don’t minimise it.