How did you ask if he was cheating?

[youuuin]

I have my suspicions that DP has done something - nothing concrete, just a few odd things and a bit of a gut feeling. I want to broach the subject but don't know how to go about it really, we have a good relationship and nothing like this (that I know of) has happened in the past, so I don't want to go straight in with a 'are you cheating on me?' accusation. How have you asked in the past - is there a more gentle/less confrontational way where I can get the answers I need but not accuse?

Didn't want to read and run..
What are your suspicions?

Thank you, just general strange behaviour hiding his phone, being a bit distant, didn't make much effort for Christmas etc. I did snoop (I know it's wrong) and found he had deleted messages from a woman he works with, but I can't confront him about that without admitting I had a nosey.

What about 'are you happy with our relationship right now?' if he asks why, you can say about him being distant etc.
Him emotionally distancing himself and deleting message from a woman at work really don't look good though. I'd trust your gut.
Consider then asking him if he will show your his phone and then you can ask about the deleted messages.

I tried the non-controntational way (saying that if he wanted out, he just had to say so, all was OK, and using humour to break the ice) but he wouldn't even say that, and denied the affair to the end. (Even when I had all the details through snooping!)
Have you brought up him being distant and not making the effort?

If he's having an affair, however you ask him about, it's unlikely he'll admit it.

My ex just gaslit the shit out of me. He didn't actually want out of the marriage, he just didn't want to be faithful either. 😂

So be prepared to have the conversation and feel no further forward from it.

I do agree with the PP's. Bringing it up is actually the easy part. Getting the truth out of him is where it gets tricky.

So sorry this happened to you, I’ve had relationships like that in the past and tbh as much as I love DP and know he loves me, he is the type who will not admit if he’s done something wrong until he absolutely can’t deny it any more.

And that’s the thing, our relationship is good and I know he wants to be with me, so many men just want to have their cake and eat it too I suppose :( I just wish I had proof either way so I could make the right decision.

That sounds awful! I have, he isn’t extremely distance or off, just enough that I can sense a change - he just says he’s tired and acts a lot more chipper for a bit afterwards.

I’m really not sure what to believe, he is also the type who says cheaters are disgusting etc but then I’ve had partners in the past say the exact same and then end up serially cheating🤷🏼‍♀️

I’ll just have to put my big girl pants on and broach it I suppose, hopefully I’ll have all the answers I need just from his reaction to that alone.

If he is up to no good (and sorry, your evidence so far is quite incriminating) it’s very unlikely to admit anything, and then he’ll only be on the alert that you are suspicious and become more secretive. I would bide your time, keep your eyes and ears open and keep gathering evidence. Check his phone, email and anything else you can think of.

Please don't think that because he loves you that he wouldn't cheat on you and then lie and trick you about it.

When push comes to shove, it's every man for himself. Sad, but always true.

Another one here for waiting until you have enough evidence. He will not admit it.

Does he have an iPhone? Are the messages text messages? If so, you can view deleted text messages by opening the messages app and clicking on the 3 little dots in the corner. If there are recently deleted messages, you will see 'view recently deleted messages' at the bottom of the list.

If the messages are via WhatsApp, you can delete the app and reinstall it. It will show deleted messages.

Trust your gut OP.

I knew he acted out of character

then he blamed me as said I was cheating

his was a 2 minutes been drunk quickly but it’s not the same anymore it’s been 19 months and I just don’t have the connection anymore after nearly 11 years

did he deny it YES OF COURSE
how did he admit it I had a UTI I have sepsis history he’s seen me in ICU
i said I can get a sti = serious infection and I’m at risk

he cried and admitted it

tbh it was surreal as I knew and 3 weeks of me telling him I know and him saying im
mad was eerily peaceful

2 hours later I felt really poorly and had panic attacks in my sleep for 10’months

you just know women know

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk

not everyone who cheats has messages
many cheat in a night out sadly

@jadey1991
it as easy as to just run for many people

easier said than done

Would you plan to stay with him if he has ? Like I don't agree with phone snooping but at this points it's done you've seen so what's wrong with you saying that ? Unless of course you plan to stay kinda makes it more tricky are people at his work aware of you ?

@MistletoeandJd

peopLe cheat for many reasons
all wrong
but you do know a very high % cheat and are never found out even if people think they aren’t cheated on

we live in a throw away society one chance is what people should get unless violence is the reason.

Those married decades I can assure you lots cheated even if you disagree.

If I find definite proof that he has, then I'm out. But I have none, I'm not 100% if he has or if maybe it's just something that's slightly over the line in messages - I would probably be more willing to work on rebuilding trust if that was the case, but if the messages are gone then how will I ever know what was said.

His work friends know about me yes, but this particular woman has always seemed to be a little bit taken by him, never likes any of his Instagram photos if I'm in it etc - at first I didn't think it was reciprocated, wasn't threatened by her at all but now I'm not so sure.

It was on both WhatsApp and Instagram - I have seen him message her in the past and nothing out of the ordinary, which is why I thought it was odd that her name wasn't on his list of chats, so I searched her name and there were no messages before about a week ago (he has had messages from her going back months so he has definitely deleted for some reason). It was a very spur of the moment decision checking his phone as he often doesn't leave it lying around, I just had a gut feeling and did it without thinking so I don't think I'll really get much of an opportunity to check again. Tbh I don't really agree with nor enjoy the feeling of snooping either, so I don't really want to do it again.

Tbh I can live with cheating as I'd just leave him, but the not knowing makes it so hard ☹️

I'm half tempted to confront him and ask to see his phone when he gets home so he doesn't have time to think of an excuse, but lots of people saying I should bide my time so I'm a little torn.

@Meme54 The OP mentioned that he had been deleting messages between himself and a female colleague. My message was in response to that.

That's fair enough I don't use insta ect so just curios if there's time stamps I.e 22december 15.45 message deleted so you can see the frequency ??? I know whatsapp you should be able to get them messages back. Given your update though is there a chance she embarrassingly made a pass at him ? Then asked him to delete ? May absolutely not be the case but some hope ?

If you see her name pop up then I would ask to see his phone then. But personally without proof you won’t get an honest response from him. My OH didn’t even admit he had set up an online dating account even though I had access to his fb account and sent him a screenshot of his bio that he’d written himself! Eventually he gave in because I had concrete proof but a lot of people will just lie and lie and lie and without evidence we end up believing them.
Do you have access to his fb? Maybe he messages her there?
Thing is if he’s got into the habit of deleting then he will have covered his tracks no doubt. Unfortunately I can’t see a way to get deleted messages back on WhatsApp or Instagram (as I’m sure he’s aware)
Did you check if he had archived their chat? I suppose that would come up if you searched her name.

Has there been a works Christmas do or something like that, which might match up with when he's started deleting her messages?

You don’t have a great deal to go on but if he doesn’t delete any other messages then it is suspect. Probably encroaching into emotional affair territory. I would usually say bide your time and get more evidence but as you have said it won’t be easy to do this, I think you will just have to come out with it.

unfortunately he will deny deny deny!

ALWAYS trust your gut feelings. They are there to protect you and never steer you wrong. Have you ever heard of someone trusting it but actually being wrong? This applies to any area of your life.

"you just know women know".

This 💯%