Breaking a trauma bond

[newstart2022]

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for several years.
i have kids with a previous partner and don’t live with this guy.
i seem to gather the strength to leave and end it and then we have a great night out , spend a wonderful evening and the old feelings rush back.
and before I know it I am obsessing over him. I worry about what he is up to etc.
previously he had been sending explicit videos of himself to other women(I think )
now I worry about his every move. To the point I obsess about whether he is running with one of his female friends, I am at. Breaking point.

No, he is not the one for you. Be a decent role model to your dc and stop the relationship immediately.

Learn to thoroughly enjoy your own company - I bet you are great.

And realise, that if you do want someone, there will be someone worthwhile out there for you, so you'll need to be single and in a good place.

What's the worse that can happen - time to get rid of the excess baggage x

@Iknowtheyareusefulstorage
not sure if my last reply posted.
thanks, it’s just horrible. I feel stuck and depressed about it , constantly
thanks for your reply

I think you know the answer, and you don't need permission to end it.
If it helps, think about what you would say to one of your own children if they were an adult and going through this, then apply the same advice to yourself.
And don't go back.

And btw - the videos - gross and an absolute deal breaker.
You are worth so much more.

@Iknowtheyareusefulstorage

thanks. It’s all such a mess and has become normal.
scared he moves on but can’t figure out why that bothers me .

Sweetheart, we should all hope he moves on. He probably knows he is punching above his weight with you, so will doubtless try to come crawling back to drag you down.

If this was your daughter/son, what would you say to them? Treat yourself as kindly x

It's absolutely fucking tragic that you are wasting so much emotional energy on this total shitbag and not giving that energy to your own children.

Come on now. Take the blinders off and block this idiot. Move on with your life.

An abuser trauma bonded me and it aligned with my childhood abuse wounding so I totally understand how the whole thing works. I'm still not 'un-bonded' after years but have zero contact or interaction with that person.

I recommend the youtube channels and websites of Sam Vaknin, Richard Grannon, Alan Robarge, Dr Ramani, Lisa A Romano, 'Crappy Childhood Fairy'.

I did Richard Grannon's programme once and he says write down on paper a list of the worst crappy things they ever did to you, a long list. And write it out every single morning for several weeks, adding to it if nec. This is to retrain the brain to remembering the bad stuff - we need to hold on to the bad stuff - as it's actually unconscious denial systems that are holding on to the yearning / longing / limerence / intense romance. He also mentioned that you could slightly hurt yourself every time thinking of them ie snap an elastic band on your hand in order to do 'aversion' and disconnect the neural pathways. I paraphrased that an maybe RG would say it all very differently. But we have to break the links.

Full No Contact is key and Sam Vaknin goes so far as to say move house, move area, move country if you have to.

@newstart2022 I was in a similar position a few years ago and oh my god it's so hard to break free. I ended up treating it like an addiction and went cold turkey. Zero contact. Every day was agony to begin with, but over time it got easier, and I focused on doing nice things - exercising, good food, a massage, days out with friends. It took a while but I survived, and eventually thrived. And then I met my current DH and have never looked back.

You can do it, but it's going to be really, really hard. Do you have a close friend who knows about the situation and who can help you?

@Iknowtheyareusefulstorage
thanks for the advice.
they were a deal breaker. I should have left then. It’s been a dark few years x

@Aquamarine1029
totally agree. Posted on here to get some perspective and drag me out of the blinkered thinking.
thanks ❤️

@LittleMissSunshiner
thanks. It’s a horrible situation, sorry you have went through what you went through.
i spend a lot of time angry about how he has changed my thinking etc and I get stuck in a horrible mindset.

@RedPandaFluff
I am glad things worked out for you.
Hopefully I can see past this soon.
i do but I think they struggle to see why I find it difficult.
x

Agreed. I felt touched by evil itself. I feel aggrieved that my psyche was disrupted and is not yet fully healed. I worry it may never heal and I will never feel OK again. I worry what if I'm infected and I would do that to the next person, like this is a contagious disease. I feel like they stole my energy being the vampire they are and that this energy draining is still happened on a psychic / other level. I want to be whole and happy again.

But every day we get up get out of bed and push back against it, even if it's going through the motions, and keep on keeping and keep trying to find solutions and things that make us happy.

Don't lose any more years of your life with this man. You'll never get them back.
As someone else said, this is addiction and you must treat it as such.

Change his name in your phone - I used the name "Abuser" for mine and you'd be surprised what a big difference it makes when you see it. Even better, block him on all media.

Write a list of all the things you don't like about him, and keep adding to it.

You need to stand up and be the best person to care for yourself, and the best role model for your kids. Just decide to go cold turkey, take it an hour at a time, then you'll be able to take it a day at a time. Pat yourself on the back for each hour then each day.

You'll feel horrible, but that's ok, nothing lasts forever, and then you'll start to feel a little less horrible, then one day you'll realise you felt fine for an hour. And then you'll have a whole day when you felt fine.

You WILL get there and you will also be kicking yourself for having taken so long to start - so get going as soon as possible.

@LittleMissSunshiner
thanks. Helps to know that people understand.
i do feel like if I don’t act now that I could waste another year.
I used to say I would deal with him month by month. Then it went to year , and two years have past.

@BrassCandlestick
thanks. This sounds like a good way to deal with it.
hour by hour, I just want to instantly feel better. It feels like an addiction.

I had this with an ex. Took me a decade to finally leave. Of course I had no insight at the time (I was young) but his treatment of me was exactly what I was comfortable with because it's what I'd experienced in my house hold growing up. So I'd be asking myself what is it about this man that has you feeling you're in a comfortable and familiar zone? I have had so much therapy since getting away from my ex and I believe if I'd had it while I was with him I'd have left him a lot sooner. Is it an option for you?

@LoinChop
I go through these thoughts a lot.
i had online counselling briefly during covid and the counsellor said that this has become my normal and it’s my comfort.
I found that hard to take in but it’s true.
i find relief when i am with him and it’s toxic.
how did you finally realise enough was enough x

Honestly newstar, I was so ill, mentally and physically. My every waking minute was filled with just anxiety about what he was doing. I was crippled with it. He actually broke up with me but that was normal (I always took him back after cheating / being violent towards me) but this time when he came crawling back I somehow found the strength. I did meet up with him and because I was so used to the cycle I assumed we'd just get back together but I saw him and I just knew something in me had changed. I had started to appreciate that although I was very mentally ill following the break up, I wasn't waking up anxious because I was with him. And once I had that clarity that I could live a life free of crippling anxiety and self hate then I five it incredibly easy to cut ties. Even better he messaged me about 10 years ago and I wrote back in capital letters telling him up fuck off. That felt good .

I'm by no means special by the way, you have got the ability to walk away too. Yes it will hurt but it's hurting being with him. You might as well be in pain that's worth being in

@LoinChop
its scary how familiar all of that sounds.
i have been there a few times , looked at him differently , felt strong - it’s like he senses it.
we end up having a few really nice day and before I know it my head is scrambled again.
I am overweight, and crippled with anxiety. And he plays on it.
thanks for being so honest. Horrible to hear that you went through this too xx

Try to change your way of thinking to stop obsessing what you think he is/or might be up to. This is just taking away all your power and creating crippling anxiety. Instead concentrate on yourself. Tell yourself you deserve so much more. Listen to pod casts to build your self esteem. Start, and stick to an exercise routine which will help with your anxiety and weight loss. Brisk walking in the open air, amongst nature is a great mood lifter.

You will feel the benefits and feel so much stronger in no time at all, I promise!

Yes unfortunately there is no way to be free of it instantly. You have to be willing to go through the hard part of withdrawal etc. That's the only way to freedom

I was in a trauma bond with a narc for 3years. People kept telling me to ditch him but I couldn't.
Then a few days before I booked time off to see him for 4 days he ghosted me.
I found out he had a girlfriend of 9 years they never lived together and women all over the place.
They Don't care about the women you are all there to stroke his ego and nothing else. They're fake, faker than my rolex watch my brother bought from his holiday, and incapable of love. Once u break away I promise u it will be so much better. They never change

@feelingfree17
thanks for the advice , I need to do something x