Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Loved ones think my partner is a narc

46 replies

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 19:23

Hi everyone

Happy Christmas if you celebrate. Please only nice comments and no judgment.

Over Christmas my loved ones noticed a change in me. I suspect my partner may be showing signs of emotional bullying/narcissism. He's a popular, successful, confident man so on paper he is a catch. He's generous, funny but lately I've noticed when I explain that I'm upset with something he has done, he deflects to something I have done. He may apologise in pushed. He often then sulks and disappears temporarily. Comes back as if I hurt him.

I became unwell in the summer, he didn't visit me in hospital and when I questioned this he then disappeared, claiming busyness but dumped me soon after. When I asked why he was leaving me, he explained he simply didn't have feelings for me (embarrassed admitting this). Came back when I was better, saying he panicked and doesn't know why. He loves to repeat often how his life is unfair, how he has been dealt the short straw with his broken family and blames that for not being a good boyfriend. Says he didn't have good model for relationships and makes me feel guilty.

A large part of us is very kink and sexually focused. He is very kink 'obsessed'. Makes me feel very loved when wishing me to try these.

Before this relationship I was in a long term relationship that ended with betrayal so I threw myself into the 'magic' he showed towards me.

OP posts:

Sad0tter · 28/12/2023 19:26

All sounds like classic narcissism to me…

Gusti · 28/12/2023 19:27

Get out and then get help. Instead of insisting those on the internet leave you 'nice' comments why not insist he treats you nicely? He doesn't value you and you don't value yourself. You need out and you need proper help from a therapist.

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2023 19:35

He sounds awful.

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 19:39

Yup sounds like a narc. And for your family to have noticed he's a bad one of say, as most manage to hide it around their victims family and errode those relationships so you can't leave easily and don't have anyone to tell you what's happening is wrong

LittleGreenDragons · 28/12/2023 19:41

He is very kink 'obsessed'. Makes me feel very loved when wishing me to try these.

So he makes you feel like a princess/lovebombed just so you will do some kink sex because.... you wouldn't do it if he didn't?? That speaks volumes as to how little you value yourself. It doesn't matter if he is a narc or not as your boundaries are non existent anyway. Sounds like you would let any man do anything to you just so you feel "loved". That's a dangerous value you place on yourself. Get help.

ItsMyPartyParty · 28/12/2023 19:43

He sounds absolutely awful.

Dump him. Spend some time single to find out who you are and be happy in yourself. Therapy if it helps (it probably will). Do not bounce in to another relationship.

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 21:37

Every time I try to end it I get guilt messages, love bombed and then he gets bored again, goes back to his old self. I haven't heard from all day today, he stopped replying yesterday when I was trying to discuss an issue with him.

Could I reasonably just block him on everything and make my intentions clear that way or is that unfair? I am next meant to see him on Saturday but I no longer want to see him. I feel such an ick for both him and I after my family and friends opening my eyes.

OP posts:

SteadyEddi · 28/12/2023 21:41

A man who truly loved you would be visiting you in hospital and trying to make your stay and return home very comfortable. He would not be running away.

LittleGreenDragons · 28/12/2023 21:42

Every time I try to end it I get guilt messages, love bombed and then he gets bored again,
Why haven't you ended it then immediately block him on all social media as well as phone/texts? That is what the blocking function is for!

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 21:42

To be honest I have previously blocked and then unblocked.

OP posts:

PinkHydrangea · 28/12/2023 22:01

Watching with interest.

Because I had a boyfriend who I always suspected of narcissism who was also very, very into kink.

(Not kink shaming people who are. But like the OP he placed a huge, huge emphasis on it in our relationship.)

Does anyone know if there's a link?

Like you @Christmas1981 - it was a 'defining' feature of the relationship ship.

He was also extremely sensitive to criticism, to the degree that I would think twice about saying anything that he might remotely perceive as criticism.

He was also very popular - and talk about how funny he was. (He was funny. But no need to go on about it, I always thought!)

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 22:11

How did it end with your partner @PinkHydrangea ? I only recently linked the kink and selfishness stuff, I think perhaps he doesn't know how to show love in many ways so he shows it through kinks and sex. He also is pretty obsessive about women he works with on Instagram

OP posts:

PinkHydrangea · 28/12/2023 22:19

Oh my gosh - he was the exact same with regards difficulty expressing love.

I also theorised / used to wonder if the kink stuff was his way of connecting.

His favourite type of sex always had to have some form of 'power exchange'. (He was a 'switch' so either me dominant or him dominant. He didn't mind. But to really get him going, I always felt like it needed to feature.)

He also felt unloved as a child, and had quite an emotionally barren childhood - so I did feel a lot of sympathy for him and used to wonder if it was all related somehow in my arm chair psychology way.

I often wondered if he actually loved the real me, or just the sex we used to have, because it gave him what he needed (see above!).

I do feel like I did it to go along with him. (I probably also have self-esteem issues.)

I did read into narcissism and it does seem to fit with people who didn't feel love growing up.

In the end though, that relationship just wasn't enough for me.

EyeC · 28/12/2023 22:31

I think it speaks volumes when friends and family notice things, I feel they notice things sometimes we might 'ignore'.
Friends and family concerns always come from a good intentions, please don't ignore them.

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 22:32

@PinkHydrangea 'I often wondered if he actually loved the real me, or just the sex we used to have, because it gave him what he needed (see above!).' This is 100% me all the time. He thinks of a new kink, gets super invested in 'me' and then seems to lose interest afterwards. I think if I didn't go along with it he'd probably leave me.

OP posts:

PinkHydrangea · 28/12/2023 22:39

Yep

He was always, always finding new kinks to try.

It was like a never ending journey.

I did wonder what would happen if I just said no - we're only having 'vanilla' sex now.

Does your DP have an ever expanding bag of toys @Christmas1981?

I used to like that he was more adventurous, in the beginning. But every time we'd meet up (we didn't live together) he'd bring this bag of tricks.

And I started to think it odd he always had to bring it.....

Re other women - are other women kind of drawn to him?

Cos this ex was good looking and funny (as he himself observed), so women did tend to swarm around him.

I realised it would've been very tiring having that entourage following him around permanently. I just didn't have the energy to try and compete.

LorlieS · 28/12/2023 22:41

What's stopping you from leaving him?

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 22:43

LorlieS · 28/12/2023 22:41

What's stopping you from leaving him?

The 'good' times, the chemistry, the promises and the guilt he throws at me that he is trying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 22:46

No bag of tricks @PinkHydrangea, thank God! It was my own fault for going along with it for so long. He keeps saying 'oh we're so alike, oh i'm glad I found someone I can share this with' as if it's some type of bond between us.

Yes, he works in a female dominated industry and works long hours so he has many women in his life and he's very friendly. I've seen their advances but I think the women are Instagram are out of his league TBH, he's just trying.

OP posts:

PinkHydrangea · 28/12/2023 22:49

Empathising again OP.

That was the one thing we had going. That 'chemistry' - whatever that is. Attachment theory probably has a lot to say about it. It can be addictive.

LorlieS · 28/12/2023 22:49

@Christmas1981 Does he keep these promises? How's the power balance would you say in your relationship?

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 22:53

You need to work on your own self esteem. He doesn’t visit you in hospital and just wants kink sex and that makes you feel loved?

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 22:53

LorlieS · 28/12/2023 22:49

@Christmas1981 Does he keep these promises? How's the power balance would you say in your relationship?

He seems to hold all the power. For example stopping replying to me when I call him out on my boundaries.

He acts as though he doesn't but as soon as I stand up for myself he disappears so I'm exhausted.

I told him as recently as last week that I wanted to end it and I got 2am calls etc saying he needed to make it right with me, he was too sad etc but I feel bad in myself again. He made my boundary seem unreasonable

OP posts:

PinkHydrangea · 28/12/2023 22:54

Yep - he'd say the same thing about the bond etc!

To be fair, they probably are/were delighted and are/were over the moon. Cos a lot of women might just say no!

It's not that I didn't find some of it fun. But they definitely weren't my kinks (I don't think I have any!). So I did question myself, and realised it was consistent with me being a bit of a people pleaser.

LorlieS · 28/12/2023 22:55

@Christmas1981 My ex-husband was a controlling narc. It really didn't end well at all.

Flip

1 2