Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Loved ones think my partner is a narc

46 replies

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 19:23

Hi everyone

Happy Christmas if you celebrate. Please only nice comments and no judgment.

Over Christmas my loved ones noticed a change in me. I suspect my partner may be showing signs of emotional bullying/narcissism. He's a popular, successful, confident man so on paper he is a catch. He's generous, funny but lately I've noticed when I explain that I'm upset with something he has done, he deflects to something I have done. He may apologise in pushed. He often then sulks and disappears temporarily. Comes back as if I hurt him.

I became unwell in the summer, he didn't visit me in hospital and when I questioned this he then disappeared, claiming busyness but dumped me soon after. When I asked why he was leaving me, he explained he simply didn't have feelings for me (embarrassed admitting this). Came back when I was better, saying he panicked and doesn't know why. He loves to repeat often how his life is unfair, how he has been dealt the short straw with his broken family and blames that for not being a good boyfriend. Says he didn't have good model for relationships and makes me feel guilty.

A large part of us is very kink and sexually focused. He is very kink 'obsessed'. Makes me feel very loved when wishing me to try these.

Before this relationship I was in a long term relationship that ended with betrayal so I threw myself into the 'magic' he showed towards me.

OP posts:

Gardeningtime · 28/12/2023 22:57

Oh op; he’s just in it for the sex. You must know this. When he thought you were ill and no sex, he ended it, came back when he realised he could get more sex. Please grab hold of your dignity, he isn’t showing you love by getting you to shag him the way he wants. That’s not love. It’s just sex.

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:00

I'm thankful to everyone so far.

How shitty of me would it be to just block on everything and don't show up for dinner? Ending it by chatting never seems to work.

OP posts:

Jennyjojo5 · 28/12/2023 23:02

I’ve known guys exactly like him before. Really sorry to say but when he ‘disappears’, a million per cent he will be ‘entertaining’ other women. This is very very classic

ScabbyHorse · 28/12/2023 23:02

Blocking is the only way with people like that. Super controlling. Be strong and have a good 2024

unsync · 28/12/2023 23:03

Do the Freedom Programme and read Why Does He Do That? You need to love and value yourself, don't seek it from a man, that leaves you wide open to all sorts of abuse.

ScabbyHorse · 28/12/2023 23:04

Also if people who love you think he's narcissistic then surely this is enough for you to understand it is a very damaging and dangerous relationship?

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:04

It's awful but I hate that he isn't interested in me again today. That I'm back to square one again, not hearing from him.

And if I say it to him he will say to me 'well you didn't get in touch, you didn't do this, you didn't do that. Never just an apology.

OP posts:

Jennyjojo5 · 28/12/2023 23:07

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:04

It's awful but I hate that he isn't interested in me again today. That I'm back to square one again, not hearing from him.

And if I say it to him he will say to me 'well you didn't get in touch, you didn't do this, you didn't do that. Never just an apology.

This is because, bluntly, he’s only interested when he knows he can get kinky sex from you. He doesn’t want all the boyfriend ‘duties’

if you’re ok with being used for kinky sex then that’s ok! But you’re not going to get anything more meaningful from him

and I guarantee you he is entertaining other women behind your back for sure

Devonshiregal · 28/12/2023 23:07

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 22:11

How did it end with your partner @PinkHydrangea ? I only recently linked the kink and selfishness stuff, I think perhaps he doesn't know how to show love in many ways so he shows it through kinks and sex. He also is pretty obsessive about women he works with on Instagram

Oohhh sweetheart this is… self delusion…at its finest, isn’t it?

He is not “showing love” through his “kink”. He is into something, for whatever reason, and he is currently using you to gratify that kink. If you leave, he’ll find someone else to engage in it with.

Really, don’t you think that’s just a little too convenient? That he’s “unable” to show love in other ways so he shows it through his weird kinky sex instead? So if his dick is involved he can muster the energy to “show” love but popping to the hospital to visit his sick girlfriend is far too strenuous a way to demonstrate one’s affections.

Really, really. This is complete nonsense. Go, take the evening and watch He’s Just Not That into You. And no, you’re not the character that’s the exception to the rule - he IS the narcissistic fuck who’s using you though.

Gardeningtime · 28/12/2023 23:11

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:00

I'm thankful to everyone so far.

How shitty of me would it be to just block on everything and don't show up for dinner? Ending it by chatting never seems to work.

Ending it by chatting doesn’t work as you’re pretending he wants more than sex. That this is a relationship. He told you straight. He’s no feelings. Please hear what he’s telling you.. listen to his actions. He isn’t interested, it’s only because you’re offering whatever sex he likes up.

PinkHydrangea · 28/12/2023 23:13

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:04

It's awful but I hate that he isn't interested in me again today. That I'm back to square one again, not hearing from him.

And if I say it to him he will say to me 'well you didn't get in touch, you didn't do this, you didn't do that. Never just an apology.

Look up intermittent reinforcement.

Mine kept me hooked through this too.

It's addicting - but not healthy. Love is consistent

I think you know none of it is good for you.

You'll look back on it one day and be glad you broke away. But I get it's hard to tear that plaster off.

Ilovelurchers · 28/12/2023 23:15

LittleGreenDragons · 28/12/2023 19:41

He is very kink 'obsessed'. Makes me feel very loved when wishing me to try these.

So he makes you feel like a princess/lovebombed just so you will do some kink sex because.... you wouldn't do it if he didn't?? That speaks volumes as to how little you value yourself. It doesn't matter if he is a narc or not as your boundaries are non existent anyway. Sounds like you would let any man do anything to you just so you feel "loved". That's a dangerous value you place on yourself. Get help.

Where anywhere in her message does it say or suggest she would "let any man do anything to her"? She doesn't say that at all - she says her current partner lovebombs her to get kinky sex and she doesn't like him doing it!

The bit about her "letting anyone do anything" is your own fantasy, and i think you should go off and have it somewhere else, and stop being so offensive and strange.

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:16

What I'm realising tonight is how I will come across if I just block.

I know he will twist it to himself and his friends and I'll look terrible.

I'm not sure why I care but it's giving me such anxiety.

I also really care for his friends and family so I keep thinking of them.

OP posts:

Gardeningtime · 28/12/2023 23:29

Christmas1981 · 28/12/2023 23:16

What I'm realising tonight is how I will come across if I just block.

I know he will twist it to himself and his friends and I'll look terrible.

I'm not sure why I care but it's giving me such anxiety.

I also really care for his friends and family so I keep thinking of them.

Oh op, just end it, grab hold of your dignity, he and they will respect you more if you do. You caring for his family doesn’t make him want a relationship

I know, I’ve a male friend doing this now, it’s just awful, he does date her, but even spending Xmas and new year apart and she doesn’t clock it. He tells the blokes, she does a thing. Or lets him do a thing to her . And it’s a lot. As in she behaves in an hyper sexualised way round him annd lets him do this thing. Everyone knows. And he also say he doesn’t even like her, it’s appalling and if he wasn’t a friend for 30 years we’d have nothing to do with him. Even the men are appalled. We all have said it’s unacceptable, But he stays in for the sex, and this sex act. But there will never be a relationship in the true sense.

endit for your own dignity.

ThreeLocusts · 28/12/2023 23:34

If you're worried that just blocking puts you in the wrong, then write him a message, something like:

'I've been thinking about our dynamic and concluded it is not healthy. You are too unpredictable and I don't think you can blame that all on your upbringing. It feels manipulative.

I've decided not to continue with this relationship. Please do not contact me again.'

Then block, and don't look back. All the best.

StrawberryWater · 29/12/2023 00:30

Never get into a kink relationship with a partner who is selfish and/or narcissistic. They will end up killing you when you don't dance to their tune enough and then claim it was a "game gone wrong".

RUN.

LittleGreenDragons · 29/12/2023 12:33

Ilovelurchers · 28/12/2023 23:15

The bit about her "letting anyone do anything" is your own fantasy, and i think you should go off and have it somewhere else, and stop being so offensive and strange.

Show quote history

I said it because she does not value herself at all, she has no self esteem or self worth. This feeling won't be restricted to this one relationship. If you cannot see that yourself then don't berate or scold others who do see it. It's you who is strange for doing that.

@Christmas1981 - just block him on everything and delete his number, dont answer any unknown numbers. Change your phone/number if you can't stop yourself. Then seek therapy, you are worth so much more than this.

Spencer0220 · 29/12/2023 12:40

OP, if you can't just block, send one final message and block.

Then delete his number from your phone. That way, in months to come you won't recognise the random number in your list.

Repeat for anyone who contacts you about the end of the relationship.

Catlord · 29/12/2023 14:27

So he can be nice when he's after kinky sex but CBA to come and see you in hospital? What are you getting out of this in real terms? Do you think he will change and love you? He won't. That's not how we treat people we love.

I would try and put aside the twistiness and fears about what he may say about you to other people and treat him like any other man. Send a polite, clear message ending things finally. Block. Stay blocked. That's your responsibility so taker it seriously. Move on. If you have anything at his you need, get this first.

Bettyneptune · 29/12/2023 14:50

I had a very similar experience, boyfriend did really similar things (also found out years later he had cheated throughout as well), ending it with him was really difficult, I found it like trying to stop an addiction. Think it took me about 10 attempts to leave him.

He would love bomb me, buy me presents when that didn't work he stalked me, got alot of abuse and then it escalated to trapping me in his house telling me he couldn't live without me, tried to rape me, and then he was going to overdose if I didn't go back out with him.

I don't think I've ever told anyone the whole story, it sounds so outrageous but that man totally broke me.

Needless to say they will do and say anything to get their own way, after all of that drama the next day he was out night clubbing looking for his next victim.

He also cut me off from friends and family, would knock my self esteem, compare me to previous partners, he was terrible with money and would rack up huge credit card bills. He would grandiose and make out he was some sort of god , he would try and tell me what I could and couldn't wear all whilst alternating between being nice. Sex was constant, I found it exciting , he was up for risky stuff ,he was always telling me how other women found him attractive (he was genuinely good looking bit still, he shouldn't be bragging constantly about other women).

Sorry to babble on, I guess I'm trying to say these people never change, get out, but please be careful they can get nasty.

I wouldn't worry about what others think as he will just lie anyway, these people never take accountability for anything.

I had to go completely cold turkey, blocked on everything, I went on holiday to get away from him !

Bizarrely many years later he's still trying to co tact me on Facebook! Nightmare.

Good luck, he defo sounds like a narc

Original poster

Christmas1981 · 29/12/2023 18:05

@StrawberryWater Thanks for your comment but to be clear, I'm not in physical danger and the kinks are not physical like that.

I find it interesting to those who relate narcism to kinks, I need to explore this more to understand it but it seems a common connection.

He has no concept that he is a narcissist. If I said to him I have a sore throat, he would tell me he did too. If I had a bad day, he had a worse one. I am a teacher, he has a glamorous job and he is forever commenting that his job is more 'tiring'. When I was sick in the summer, he talked about how it caused him 'trauma' to see me sick (??). I pointed out before that he makes everything about him and he said I was being very unfair and this was a childhood trigger of his....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2