Looking for kind words. Please help me.

[PlantsPlanting]

Yesterday I was going to have a bath. DH said "ah don't bother, help me with the kids"

Today he mentioned my bath. I said I didn't have one in the end because you asked me not to.

He's gone ballistic. Saying he never said it and of course he wouldn't say that and I've gone mad. It's my birthday today and he called me spoilt and pathetic and told me I should go to bed early with nothing as I'm clearly losing my mind and need some rest. He was shouting in front of the kids and they all stood in front of me telling him to stop.

The crazy thing is he really did say it. Unless my brain is going mad. Its not even a big deal but he has proper lost it. Not giving me presents. Storming round the house. He may have forgotten saying it. It wasn't a big deal. A passing comment but his reaction is next level

Friends are meant to be coming this evening and I have no idea what to do. Got 3 young kids that I'm trying to keep happy and distract but keep nearly crying.

I can't talk to anyone. I literally feel like I am actually losing my mind. Please help me.

Is this completely new behaviour from him (I mean, is he normally calm, loving, respectful etc)? I ask that as he sounds vile, and it's hard to imagine this is a one-off.

As you say, he could have forgotten saying it (and therefore not gas lighting) but that doesn't explain him going completely off the handle. Shouting in front of your children? Telling you to go to bed without your presents?? He's talking to you as if you're a really naughty child (it still wouldn't be OK if you were a child), not as his respected equal.

He sounds abusive. The threats, shouting, gaslighting, lack of respect.

You deserve better, and so do your children.

I suspect he's deliberately ruining your birthday (abusers do that). He's very likely controlling the situation so that you cancel this evening's celebrations. I beg you not to. Go ahead and celebrate with your friends. Ideally, move the celebration to somewhere else - someone else's house or a local pub. So he can't spoil it. Is there someone else you can rely on for babysitting? As it's likely he'll stop you going out by refusing to babysit / saying he's ill and can't / calling you at 9pm to say the children are asking for you etc.

Does he have form for this kind of thing, either on holidays or special occasions, or when people visit?
Its not just an issue with narcs or people with cluster B disorders; people with low self esteem may try to make themselves feel better by undermining you; it gives them a short high and doesn't fix their underlying issue.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/unwrapping-mystery-5-reasons-why-narcissists-love-ruin

Whether this is a one-off or not, it's completely unacceptable for your husband to be speaking to you like that, especially in front of the children.

Here is what I would do (I'm not you, but also a young mother with 2 young children):

Tell him sternly that if he has an issue with you, these issues need to be dicussed calmly, respectfully, and in a time when the children are either away at school or daycare or when they are asleep.
Shouting, raising his voice, ranting or name-calling are inacceptable and inexcusable. This is not how partners speak to each other and will not be tolerated.

Set a boundary, a very clear one that states the consecuences if he crosses your boundary. Say: if you ever speak to me that way again, I will either:

• pick up the children and leave the house immediately and go and stay with my parents/friends/...
• Ask you to leave the house immediately to go and stay in your parents house

You will not be allowed back home/I will not be coming home until the time you've started therapy to deal with your anger issues.

Be willing to follow through on these threats, because otherwise they will sound hollow.
If at any point in readin this you've thought to yourself that you couldn't possibly say this to him because of how angry it will make him, that means you're in a very toxic and abusive relationship. In that case, scratch what I've said and leave him as fast as you can.

I wish you all the best.

He's not usually that angry. Over something so small. He wouldn't let it go. I was saying "OK OK I misremembered" and he was still saying "you're highly strung cos iys your birthday and you're making up shit to blame me for everything" etc etc. I was actually shocked he kept going. I started to cry upstairs away from him and kids and he was shouting "I can hear you crying upstairs. You're not normal you know. Are you having some sort of seizure?"

I just feel a bit paralysed now. Trying to be normal for kids. People meant to be coming for dinner. I don't know how to get thme to pub instead. Also he will say I've gone boozing without the kids etc.

I've been thinking of leaving for ages but always stop because I can't do that to the kids and the courts are a mess and we can't afford 2 homes. But possibly I don't have an option. What a start to the new year. I feel like utter utter shit.. I honestly want to just run away and never come home.

He sounds vile - and I’m not saying this is all an elaborate plan but I reckon he got you fuck all for your birthday and this is a convenient way to not have to admit that he made zero effort.

Text the people coming for dinner and tell them you’ll have to meet them, alone, elsewhere tonight, and tell them why. Don’t cover up for him. I bet you’ll find they’ve always thought he was a nasty cunt.

You sound totally normal and sane in your posts. He sounds abusive. It sounds like he is trying to make you doubt yourself in order to control you or something. Is there perhaps a close friend that you could confide in? He is probably trying to make you feel like it's not a big enough issue to confide in someone about, but that's not true - it is really unpleasant to experience that kind of verbal abuse, and you deserve to have support.

He's now being v overly nice and playful with the kids. I'm really trying to rise above it and just get on with my day but feel like I can't catch my breath.

He was kind of meant to be organising tonight but didn't really so I've been doing it. He seemed annoyed by whole thing.

It still sounds like it could be a tactic to control you. He is trying to make you feel like if you do whatever he says then he'll be nice, but if you do anything that he doesn't like then he'll blow up at you. I'm guessing he hasn't apologised and he's pretending like nothing happened? But he knows what happened, and he's hoping that he's got you more under his control now. You deserve lots of support on this.

Friends now not coming over. No pub to go to at short notice. I told them we had a very bad fight and unsurprisingly my friends seemed more than happy to not come. They probably think it's pretty embarrassing to cancel your own birthday dinner becasue of an argument. He is still obsessed by the fact I've made something up from a conversation yesterday that I absolutely have not. There are lots and lots of reasons to not split but I think screaming at me while I'm crying on my birthday might be the final push. It seems like such a terrible thing to do. But I have 40/50 years ahead of me hopefully. I can bear the thought of it being with him

You’ve just given yourself the best present you could possibly have.

You’ll have a great birthday next year, without him.

@LunaNorth I really hope so. You know usually I'd pour myself a wine and feel sorry for myself at spending the evening alone in a house with a man who hates me. But I feel v clear headed all of a sudden.

Get in a taxi and meet up with a friend. Even for just a drink or the cinema. It is still your birthday 🎂

This is not normal!! It sounds like you're so tired and stressed that you don't know what is normal.

Please, get some help! I was like this for many years. I couldn't function properly. It was only when I found my anger (and boy did I!) that I could move and move out! My kids thanked me for it.

I don't understand the "2 homes " bit? I got to the stage i would rather sleep in the car with my kids than put up with DV but even so....you shouldn't put up with this. Why does having possibly 2 homes make a difference?

@Terrribletwos I'm sorry you went through that and good you're out of it. I meant 2 homes as in we would need 2 homes post split and that feels unaffordable. There is no DV otherwise of course I agree I would live in our car to get away too

I agree with all the others that he's utterly vile. Nobody 'normal' speaks to ANYONE the way he spoke to you, if we are talking about making comments on 'you're not normal'.

Please make arrangements to divorce. You can't spend another year with an abuser - it's really not good for your DC, and it's clear that they are witnessing this. Standing in front of you having to tell 'Daddy' to stop...

It's really damaging. This is what you can't afford! To damage your kids. Bugger the money. It would be far better to split up. And the bliss you'll feel is unbelievable!

Please get yourself a copy of 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's widely available online as a free pdf.

I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's basically ruined any day which isn't about him? And just because he's not violent, doesn't mean you're not experiencing domestic abuse. He sounds very mentally abusive. The gaslighting, calling you spoilt, pathetic, asking if you're having a seizure, calling you 'not normal'.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Even your children can see what he's doing and are trying to protect you. You need to protect them, and make plans to leave him.

I've been thinking of leaving for ages but always stop because I can't do that to the kids and the courts are a mess and we can't afford 2 homes.

Please don't use your children as an excuse not to leave because, kindly, that's what it is - an excuse. They are witnessing his emotional abuse and are upset by it enough that they are getting I'm between you telling him to stop. You and they don't deserve to be subjected to that.

Court process is hard, but not a mess and you wouldn't be owning two homes - you'd be creating your own safe home.

Please reach out to friends or family for real life support. Figure out what you need to put in place and make that the plan you are working towards. Best of luck for 2024.

That sounds utterly awful for you. I'm sorry you are going through this and especially on your birthday.

He sounds like the classic narcissist, making you think you are mad, turning things around to you, blowing up, ruining special days like birthdays.

Please talk to a friend you trust and ask for help in leaving as soon as you can. Please be strong. Thinking of you.

@GreyBlackLove it is very rare that he shouts like that in front of the kids. Generally he is v cheerful and playful with kids. They love him. I was taken aback that he kept going yesterday even as the kids shouted at him to stop shouting at mummy. At which point I gathered them in my arms and went to play with them in the bedroom.

You are right I know. And I spind like I'm making more excuses. I'm just saying the kids aren't unhappy or scared of him. They will hate the split. I find it very very difficult to imagine them living in 2 houses or not seeing them for stretches of time.

I think I'm in denial about how much my husband resents/hates me though.

I think he manufactured this "fight" deliberately in order to ruin your birthday.

He sounds emotionally abusive.

He gaslighted you about the bath and then created a massive drama out of nowhere.

I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way. It sounds like your husband treats you with contempt and you’d be better off without him.

Is it possible he could be cheating? My STBXH started manufacturing confusing fights out of nowhere over nothing when he was having an affair. He was building the narrative that I was a crappy wife who always argued with him to justify his poor choices, because if I was a good person then that meant he was a complete cunt for being unfaithful and he couldn’t wrap his head round that scenario.

I don't think he's cheating @Didsomeonesaydogs - I'm sorry you're going through that. Did you recently find out? What a load of shitbags they all are eh??? I hope you're doing ok. My one rarely leaves the house so I doubt he's cheating. I do think he's manufactured it though as some weird reaction to my birthday. He seems uncomfortable when it's my birthday or if I'm ill or anything where attention is on me. He hated me when I had really bad morning sickness for example - told me to stop milking it.

You can't possibly get away from him fast enough.

He absolutely ruined your birthday. What an absolute tit! It was complete sabotage.

Your friends seem like they have the measure of him. I think your life would be much better not living with this absolute joy hoover of a human being.

Playing with kids and being jolly works with young kids as they get older they see people more clearly. He is on borrowed time with them.

My first husband ALWAYS ruined birthdays, Xmas, anniversaries etc etc took me a few years to realise that we always seemed to get into silly big arguments on these days. I left - I was and am worth so much more as are you !