Looking for kind words. Please help me.

[PlantsPlanting]

Yesterday I was going to have a bath. DH said "ah don't bother, help me with the kids"

Today he mentioned my bath. I said I didn't have one in the end because you asked me not to.

He's gone ballistic. Saying he never said it and of course he wouldn't say that and I've gone mad. It's my birthday today and he called me spoilt and pathetic and told me I should go to bed early with nothing as I'm clearly losing my mind and need some rest. He was shouting in front of the kids and they all stood in front of me telling him to stop.

The crazy thing is he really did say it. Unless my brain is going mad. Its not even a big deal but he has proper lost it. Not giving me presents. Storming round the house. He may have forgotten saying it. It wasn't a big deal. A passing comment but his reaction is next level

Friends are meant to be coming this evening and I have no idea what to do. Got 3 young kids that I'm trying to keep happy and distract but keep nearly crying.

I can't talk to anyone. I literally feel like I am actually losing my mind. Please help me.

@PlantsPlanting you may not believe this is do,estimates violence but his behaviour is domestic abuse. For your poor children to stand in front of you to defend you against him is unacceptable. They will thank you for leaving him.

@PlantsPlanting thank you - it all came to light 18m ago and we’ve been living separately for just over a year. My life is so much more peaceful without his constant fault-finding and negativity.

The lack of empathy when you are sick is very familiar to me too. It’s a common response in these types of men when their wife appliance is malfunctioning.

STBXH has regrets now but it’s way too little too late. He hasn’t changed, he just didn’t realise how comfortable I made his life until I wasn’t there wifing for him and he now wants that lifestyle back but I deserve more. As do you.

" I do think he's manufactured it though as some weird reaction to my birthday."

I couldn't agree more. This has come about because it's your birthday and he can't stand the fact that he's obliged to focus on you. He wants you have a horrible day that he has created because that means he is in control.

He's a fucking wanker.

@PlantsPlanting - this is domestic abuse. There are ways of abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them or even shouting at them. And they can be desperately damaging. It really sounds like you would be better off away from him.

There are some people that can only ‘love’ you when you never question them and are never critical of them. Their default mode is that you are there to feed their ego. If you ever dent their ego they instantly burst into a rage at you.

Over 30 years ago it was my birthday. My DH and I woke up together and he offered to make me a coffee and bring it up. I waited and waited and after 20 mins decided to go down and make my own coffee. I wasn’t even bothered about it, I knew he got easily distracted or was in the loo.

As I walked into the kitchen I could see him actually writing out my birthday card. He immediately turned on me and I was at fault for being impatient “you can’t even wait 5 minutes can you?” . However much I tried to explain I wasn’t cross or trying to make him mad he refused to believe he’d been more than five minutes. It was all my fault and I had ruined my own birthday surprise.

I ended up with my lukewarm coffee, and a card but no present.

I wish I’d realised then, what this really meant for my future life. It’s possible your Dh thinks of himself as a wonderful husband and a fantastic father, he’d never be the sort of husband whose wife wasn’t able to have as many baths as she’d like.

You just burst his self important bubble.

OP, this is emotional abuse, which is not only hugely damaging to you, but is traumatising for your children to witness.
Your situation is actually very serious.
You and your children are worth so much more.

If your husband will not recognise what he is doing (and I suspect as you reflect more, a pattern of abusive behaviour will emerge), then he will not change.
Then your decision is will you stay knowing the damage, or will you get you and your children to a safe place.
It's awful, I really feel for you.

Have a look at this if you don't think it's really that bad www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

I do think he's manufactured it though as some weird reaction to my birthday. He seems uncomfortable when it's my birthday or if I'm ill or anything where attention is on me. He hated me when I had really bad morning sickness for example - told me to stop milking it.

Typical emotional abusive behaviour.

Everything is totally different again now my birthday and Christmas is over. He's back to normal. Trying to retain what I felt like when I posted as honestly the "please help me" bit - he made me feel desperate, I even called samaritans. And yet now the house is happy, kids calm. I want to talk to him about it but don't want to wreck the calm.

I was clearing out my notebooks today and found one where I wrote "he is a nasty nasty bully. Remember this." which I wrote when we were on holiday and he was being horrible to me.

I know deep down I have to do something this year. I always thought of myself as pretty tough but feel v scared at the prospect.