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Original poster

DH always trying to get a reaction

54 replies

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:23

DH has an awful habit of trying to bait me into giving him a reaction. I’ll try to give some examples to explain:

A window upstairs flew open because of the wind, I went to close it and he said “I hope you fall out of it” completely out of the blue.

He will ask (during the day) if we can watch a series together in the evening, then when it comes around he will say I can have 15 mins because he wants to game with his friends, when I say that I’ll just go and watch something else instead he will admit that he only said it to get a reaction.

Will go upstairs to bed without saying goodnight or anything, then when I don’t react will come downstairs to ask why I didn’t react.

If I pass comment on something, he always has to reply with something contradictory even if it isn’t what he believes, e.g horrific character in a film, I say I don’t like him, DH will reply “I do, he’s determined and knows what he wants”.

It has got to the point where this is happening multiple times a day. I have tried ignoring it completely and not rewarding it with a reaction, that just seems to compel him to do it more. I’ve tried calling him out on it multiple times and I get “I don’t know why I do it”, he will stop for a couple of days and then start again. But he does admit that he does it.

Its infuriating because when my son does the same to him, he absolutely blows a fuse and loses his temper, but then he does the exact same thing to me?! I just can’t comprehend making a choice to do something purely to elicit a negative response from someone?!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and found a solution?

OP posts:
Hbosh · 28/12/2023 12:27

Just a thought but... Why are you still married to this man?
He sounds like he hates you.
Why would you settle for this?

CreationNat1on · 28/12/2023 12:27

It's negging, attention seeking, low self esteem.

A busy, distracted person doesn't need to do this. It's boredom combined with an obsession about you and wanting to bounce off you all the time.

Ask him to go to counselling to build self esteem and self awareness.

BornIn78 · 28/12/2023 12:29

I’m sure someone will be along any moment to suggest he has autism or adhd or something.

To me he sounds like a plain old nasty twat.

DustyLee123 · 28/12/2023 12:30

Sounds like he wants out of the relationship, but can’t/doesn’t want to say so.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 12:32

He's a bloody unpleasant twat

Why are you with him?

Catsknowbest · 28/12/2023 12:33

Sounds very toxic to me. My exh was like this, I ended up mentally destroyed with the gaslighting, nasty comments, alternate silent treatments....thank God for divorce.

Original poster
Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:34

CreationNat1on · 28/12/2023 12:27

It's negging, attention seeking, low self esteem.

A busy, distracted person doesn't need to do this. It's boredom combined with an obsession about you and wanting to bounce off you all the time.

Ask him to go to counselling to build self esteem and self awareness.

Ah so this is interesting, he’s currently in therapy for low self esteem so maybe that’s where it is stemming from?

He does seem to spend a lot of time looking inwards if that makes sense? Overthinking things, how others perceive him, how I perceive him, what our marriage is like compared to others etc.

He used to have quite a busy social life pre covid and that has completely disappeared which lines up with when this behaviour started, so maybe some encouragement to get out and about a bit more might help

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 12:35

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:34

Ah so this is interesting, he’s currently in therapy for low self esteem so maybe that’s where it is stemming from?

He does seem to spend a lot of time looking inwards if that makes sense? Overthinking things, how others perceive him, how I perceive him, what our marriage is like compared to others etc.

He used to have quite a busy social life pre covid and that has completely disappeared which lines up with when this behaviour started, so maybe some encouragement to get out and about a bit more might help

Show quote history

How about telling him straight what a bellend he is?

Does he do this to anyone else?

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 12:36

CreationNat1on · 28/12/2023 12:27

It's negging, attention seeking, low self esteem.

A busy, distracted person doesn't need to do this. It's boredom combined with an obsession about you and wanting to bounce off you all the time.

Ask him to go to counselling to build self esteem and self awareness.

Why is unpleasant behaviour always put down to low self esteem?

People can just be horrible people

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 12:37

He sounds like an annoying twat tbh.

Whattodowithit88 · 28/12/2023 12:38

I think next time he says something so horrible as to he hopes you fall out a window, you should reply with “you don’t like me very much do you, why are you still here”. But I’d say it very calmly and curiously.

If I’m honest I’d just dump him though, he shows no love in his horrible digs.

Original poster
Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:38

@nanny0gg I have done, many a time! It’s met with either apologies and a brief change in behaviour or a pity party about how he isn’t a good person.

I actually kicked him out over it about 18 months ago and said he couldn’t come back unless he engaged in therapy, respected the boundaries I set and played a bigger role in terms of housework etc. All has been fine minus the reaction seeking which has crept back in.

OP posts:
PangramAddict · 28/12/2023 12:41

Sounds like my five year old with his sister!
I couldnt handle having to parent my husband so it's shape up or ship out moment, isn't it? He needs to start exercising every day, get some friends and hobbies and sort himself out.

StBrides · 28/12/2023 12:48

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:38

@nanny0gg I have done, many a time! It’s met with either apologies and a brief change in behaviour or a pity party about how he isn’t a good person.

I actually kicked him out over it about 18 months ago and said he couldn’t come back unless he engaged in therapy, respected the boundaries I set and played a bigger role in terms of housework etc. All has been fine minus the reaction seeking which has crept back in.

So kick him out again. A boundary is only a boundary if its enforced

TinkerTiger · 28/12/2023 12:49

Why is unpleasant behaviour always put down to low self esteem?

Because it's often a reason behind unpleasant behaviour.

JFDIYOLO · 28/12/2023 12:59

Remember you and DC are not a duff bloke's repair kit or support animals. You have a choice.

If you continue to allow this toxic man to affect you (who have a choice) and your child (who doesn't):

I'd keep up the interested noticing this behaviour, like he's an experiment you're observing. Always pick up on it and dismantle it.

That's interesting. Now why would you say this?

I noticed you said I hope you fall out. So what lies behind that?

He needs to sort himself out though, with professional help that doesn't involve you or impact your child.

festivetinseling · 28/12/2023 13:02

He is deliberately needling you. Why he does it is anyone's guess, but my guess is that he is a confrontational twat.

starynightskys · 28/12/2023 13:06

You must have known what he was like before you married him.
If he`s changed since then why are you still there.
Gonna sound harsh but your doing it to your self if you keep putting up with it.
Kick him out get a divorce move on.
Or stay and put up with it.
He changed but somethings came back in hummm boundarys i give to kids not grown adults.
Adults get what i call put straight say it how it is either stop it or fuck off.
I dont do faffing about hence why im single.

Quote of the day.
Relationships sorting problems out together
problems you wouldent have if you were single.

Original poster
Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 13:08

festivetinseling · 28/12/2023 13:02

He is deliberately needling you. Why he does it is anyone's guess, but my guess is that he is a confrontational twat.

I wish he was confrontational but with everyone other than me he is so conflict adverse, with his friends, his parents, everyone! Even at work, he will come home and vent about the team he manages but won’t actually pull them up on anything because he doesn’t want them to hate him.

I think a shape up or ship out talk is long overdue, and will be happening tonight!

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 28/12/2023 13:17

Oh my god he sounds horrible, so you’re now his whipping girl because he doesn’t have the nerve to do anything mildly confrontational (even when it sounds like it would be necessary when managing a team) anywhere else in his life?

This is who he is, and he obviously isn’t capable of changing (most people can’t) so I don’t see the point in giving him another chance to do so, as you already did. Do you really want to carry on living with a man who said he hopes you fall out of a window?

Tinseltomato · 28/12/2023 13:18

He sounds like a nasty child nor a grown man.

It's really unappealing that he's being unkind to the person he's supposed to love most in the world. I'd be looking for an immediate change in behaviour. But also the damage may have been done already. It's not a small thing it's about contempt and lack of respect

Dotty87 · 28/12/2023 13:24

He is confrontational in his nature, he just hasn't got the guts to act on it with anyone other than you. He's saving it all for you, because he has to let it out somewhere. So not only is he a bully, he's also a coward.

Princesspollyyy · 28/12/2023 13:35

I think you need to sit him down and talk to him seriously about his behaviour. Explain its driving a wedge between you, and it needs to stop.

Thelnebriati · 28/12/2023 13:40

Tell him to tell his therapist he's using you as his whipping boy, and that you won't tolerate it. Maybe they can talk some sense into him, because he certainly isn't listening to you.

cerisepanther73 · 28/12/2023 13:59

It's one of the three horses of why someone gets divorced or separates from someone for good,

It's Contempt and Disrespectful

I think 🤔 he is doing both,
he knows that he is secure enough in this relationship,
so much so that he knows he can treat you like something nasty that he accidentally stepped on outside on his shoe,

I think he has checked out of the marriage emotionally he is just going through the motions for the home comforts securities type of thing,

I actually wonder if he actually likes you or loves you really,

for him to be like this

He is either acting like an nasty Prick and Arsehole or just is one?

Which is it?

You only live once

In reality, why haven't you thrown him or this marriage out of the window too,

this is the stuff of what inspires "dark Jokes of burying your partner under the patio" come from ..

He wouldn't dare treat his co workers at his workplace 😤
By the way he is also a💩 crap manager 🙄 too.

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