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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH always trying to get a reaction

54 replies

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:23

DH has an awful habit of trying to bait me into giving him a reaction. I’ll try to give some examples to explain:

A window upstairs flew open because of the wind, I went to close it and he said “I hope you fall out of it” completely out of the blue.

He will ask (during the day) if we can watch a series together in the evening, then when it comes around he will say I can have 15 mins because he wants to game with his friends, when I say that I’ll just go and watch something else instead he will admit that he only said it to get a reaction.

Will go upstairs to bed without saying goodnight or anything, then when I don’t react will come downstairs to ask why I didn’t react.

If I pass comment on something, he always has to reply with something contradictory even if it isn’t what he believes, e.g horrific character in a film, I say I don’t like him, DH will reply “I do, he’s determined and knows what he wants”.

It has got to the point where this is happening multiple times a day. I have tried ignoring it completely and not rewarding it with a reaction, that just seems to compel him to do it more. I’ve tried calling him out on it multiple times and I get “I don’t know why I do it”, he will stop for a couple of days and then start again. But he does admit that he does it.

Its infuriating because when my son does the same to him, he absolutely blows a fuse and loses his temper, but then he does the exact same thing to me?! I just can’t comprehend making a choice to do something purely to elicit a negative response from someone?!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and found a solution?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 28/12/2023 14:01

OP - he is not simply trying to get a reaction from you. It's cruelty, and it's abuse. Just because it's not having more of an affect on you that it currently is, doesn't make his intentions different or less worrying.

It's not startling you more than it is because it's simply become a background noise for you, something which you've simply had to get used to or ignore. It's now just something that he does.

I hope you fall out of it” completely out of the blue

It's absolutely shocking that anyone would say this, even 'just to get a reaction'. These kinds of proclamations are designed to hurt you, make you feel frightened, and I would take them very seriously.

“I don’t know why I do it

Yes he fucking does. He hates you, and he enjoys being cruel to you. Don't psycho analyse it more than that.

Its infuriating because when my son does the same to him, he absolutely blows a fuse and loses his temper

This is typical of abusers, bullies, unpleasant people - whatever you want to called them. They like having a joke at other people's expense, enjoy bullying others and then saying those people are 'too sensitive', 'too serious' or 'can't take a joke'.....but when the tables are turned, they will react with anger or even fury when they are subject to the same behaviour. That's because despite how they belittle others for having completely normal and reasonable reactions, despite the gaslighting, they know exactly what this behaviour is - disrespect, cruelty and aggression.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 14:04

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:38

@nanny0gg I have done, many a time! It’s met with either apologies and a brief change in behaviour or a pity party about how he isn’t a good person.

I actually kicked him out over it about 18 months ago and said he couldn’t come back unless he engaged in therapy, respected the boundaries I set and played a bigger role in terms of housework etc. All has been fine minus the reaction seeking which has crept back in.

So what will you do now?

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 14:06

TinkerTiger · 28/12/2023 12:49

Why is unpleasant behaviour always put down to low self esteem?

Because it's often a reason behind unpleasant behaviour.

Or people are just, you know, not nice people?

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 14:06

I hope you don't sleep with this man child. Maybe rethink your 2024..

retinolalcohol · 28/12/2023 14:09

He enjoys trying to get a reaction out of you because he is a dick.

I bet if you had a completely normal reaction to his ridiculous behaviour, you'd be 'hysterical' and 'unreasonable' wouldn't you?

I once had a boyfriend who threw a raw egg at me in a 'catch this' kind of way when I was ready to go out. It landed on my neck, went all over my clothes and hair. Obviously I was furious. I overreacted to 'just a joke' apparently. Except it's not, is it, because there's only one person laughing.

He enjoys irritating you, winding you up, upsetting you. I would leave

cerisepanther73 · 28/12/2023 14:09

@EarthSight

Totally agree with you you've nailed on the spot with your very insightful comments.

I made the mistake of being involved relationship with someone like this,

It doesn't get much better @Feralgremlin

I am starting to think 🤔 one of the best things he did for us,

was going back to spirit.

Paperbagsaremine · 28/12/2023 14:09

My Dad was like this, like an eight year old middle child being naughty because he was desperate for attention.

Funnily enough, when he was a kid, he was (like his older and younger siblings were in their turn) shipped off to boarding school. And then orphaned. So when you realised this it was kind of obvious why he was always like this. Didn't make it okay though.

At least yours is trying to stop, but OMG OP you do have my sympathy. You're not wrong that getting the hell out of the house, socialising and touching grass, will help.
There's only so many times you can say, "Sweetie, you're doing it again. Quit it right now."
Best of luck.

EarthSight · 28/12/2023 14:10

so maybe some encouragement to get out and about a bit more might help

If your partner is feeling down about himself, or 'bored' 🙄(Jesus Christ that's a new one), you should be able to trust them to not turn nasty on you, to use you as an emotional punchbag, to treat you with contempt.

He is wiping his dirty shoes all over your face OP. I appreciate you have a child with him so things are more complicated because of that, but I don't know how you could repair this relationship after seeing what an absolute cruel twat he is when things don't go his way.

@Princesspollyyy I know you mean well, your your advice comes across like it's been written by someone who lives in a bubble or who's never encountered a truly malevolent person before. Bullies won't just stop because you tell them that the behaviour is negatively affecting them - that's the whole point. They WANT it to negatively affect you. They WANT you to suffer and often enjoy that, or at the very least, they don't really care and just want to continue what they're doing. They will only stop if they can see there is a sufficiently large cost to their actions.

Unless her husband is truly dim, he will already know that his behaviour is driving a wedge between them, but he doesn't care. The enjoyment of treating her like this is too gratifying for him to stop, and he clearly feels secure (or cocky) enough to carry on.

EarthSight · 28/12/2023 14:16

negatively affecting you

Seaweed42 · 28/12/2023 14:24

Hate to be recommending medication, but he sounds over-anxious.
A low dose anti-depressant might do him the world of good.

He might go back out into the world and stop all the self-absorbed over thinking.

The more he regresses in this childish way and keeps running to 'Mummy' for reassurance, the more you get irritated and push him away.

Then he feels rejected and has to try to 'move' you with the Mummy Mummy look a handstand or Mummy I hate you Mummy.

I'd keep referring it back to him and his feelings, rather than engage in discussions about your relationship to him.

I'd be saying 'this behaviour is a bit unusual, and not like the old you, if you don't feel like yourself, go and talk to the GP'.

A lot of people developed serious anxiety during Covid and they are still trying to get back to themselves after that.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 28/12/2023 14:32

Because it's often a reason behind unpleasant behaviour.

Sometimes self esteem is low as a result of unpleasant behaviour, not a cause. OP, it is entirely possible he feels bad about himself because he is being a total twat to you, because he is stuffing down all his negative feelings about life and unloading on you. Teenage boys often do stuff like this, but usually grow out of it. I would either ignore it or tell him to stop in a sharp tone of voice. You may also ask to have a joint session with his therapist to discuss this behaviour.

cerisepanther73 · 28/12/2023 14:33

Oops Typo omissions words like this *

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 14:41

Sorry OP, he sounds unbelievably immature and lacking in impulse control. I mean this sounds so irritating, does he even know he's doing it, maybe a weird dynamic in his own family. Some people seem to be so inappropriate and lacking in the social awareness and emotional intelligence that they don't see how damaging this is. You need to speak about the consequences his actions are having on you and set up better communication strategies with him. If he's not willing I'd seriously consider the best future for you.

Avacardo2023 · 28/12/2023 14:51

Come on OP, I can't believe you are even asking. You need to kick him out for good this time. Your son should not be living with someone who hopes his mum will fall out of a window, and picking up this awful behaviour. The man sounds like an absolute bastard.

festivetinseling · 28/12/2023 23:08

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 13:08

I wish he was confrontational but with everyone other than me he is so conflict adverse, with his friends, his parents, everyone! Even at work, he will come home and vent about the team he manages but won’t actually pull them up on anything because he doesn’t want them to hate him.

I think a shape up or ship out talk is long overdue, and will be happening tonight!

Show quote history

He's building it all up and taking it out on you.

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 23:12

😐😐 you are a Saint he is a cunt

Wooloohooloo · 28/12/2023 23:18

Does he have a good relationship with your son? Is he his dad? Blowing up at him doesn't sound good. I'd consider the impact on your DS.

hellsBells246 · 28/12/2023 23:39

CreationNat1on · 28/12/2023 12:27

It's negging, attention seeking, low self esteem.

A busy, distracted person doesn't need to do this. It's boredom combined with an obsession about you and wanting to bounce off you all the time.

Ask him to go to counselling to build self esteem and self awareness.

No! Don't go to counselling with an abuser!

Amplissimo · 28/12/2023 23:39

What's really standing out to me here is that your son is adopting this behaviour as well. Monkey see, monkey do.

You have a horrible knob of a DH who is nasty to you just because he wants to be. Do you really want your son to become that sort of person as well? If so, then by all means keep your DH around as a role model for him.

hellsBells246 · 28/12/2023 23:40

Amplissimo · 28/12/2023 23:39

What's really standing out to me here is that your son is adopting this behaviour as well. Monkey see, monkey do.

You have a horrible knob of a DH who is nasty to you just because he wants to be. Do you really want your son to become that sort of person as well? If so, then by all means keep your DH around as a role model for him.

This!

tescocreditcard · 28/12/2023 23:44

It's really incredibly sad for a husband to tell his wife that he hopes she falls out of a window. He's supposed to love you and like you. Not hope you fall out of a window.

Think about that.

LightSpeeds · 29/12/2023 00:23

Feralgremlin · 28/12/2023 12:38

@nanny0gg I have done, many a time! It’s met with either apologies and a brief change in behaviour or a pity party about how he isn’t a good person.

I actually kicked him out over it about 18 months ago and said he couldn’t come back unless he engaged in therapy, respected the boundaries I set and played a bigger role in terms of housework etc. All has been fine minus the reaction seeking which has crept back in.

Kick him out again!

Orio2023 · 29/12/2023 00:37

he will admit that he only said it to get a reaction

You've taken this comment quite literally.

It’s plain old emotional abuse, nothing more. Don’t waste your time having pointless discussions about it, just kick the pathetic little twat out.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/12/2023 01:11

Kick him out permanently this time
Why he's like this doesn't matter He's treating you with contempt
You can't come back from that

WmFnKdSg1234 · 29/12/2023 01:28

What has happened to you (OP) that you could ever think that this kind of behaviour would be acceptable and have any part in a good relationship?

I would find your DH's behaviour deeply unattractive and that alone would signal the end (of the relationship) for me.

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