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Original poster

DH feels guilty Mum is on her own

29 replies

Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 11:07

My MIL lost her husband 9 years ago and my DH is struggling with her and she puts on him and expects him to jump when she says.. he is very sweet, hospitable and looks after her very well.. helps her, does things for her, buys her whatever she needs..

he said he feels guilty she is on her own..

she has caused some dramas between us and is very expectant of him to look after her..

I must admit I’m struggling and it’s coming between us..

he keeps saying that his dad’s last words were “don’t leave your mum on her own”

shes had a few friends and family live with her but she drives them away.. control freak!

she doesn’t like me at all and has made that quite clear, mostly when DH is not in the same room!

how do I deal? I am respectful and will have brief chat but I don’t engage much, she doesn’t engage with myself or our son, her grandchild.. I think she maybe depressed..

I'm guessing DH needs to deal with the guilt he feels?? And understand he is not responsible for her life.. she wants constant celebrations - her birthday, Christmas on her terms, her anniversary, her sisters coming to stay.. I’m tired of it, it’s overbearing..

OP posts:
nutster · 28/12/2023 11:18

how long have you been married to DH?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 11:20

Your MIL is an abusive and otherwise toxic person who has driven people away through her control freakery behaviour. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. She has your now H on a tight leash as she did with her late husband. His comment was an unrealistic demand, not a request. Your H's late father also failed abjectly to protect his son from his wife's overbearing and otherwise demanding behaviours.

re your comment
"and she puts on him and expects him to jump when she says".

That is why your H feels guilty; she has installed that particular button in him. He also likely has fear and obligation towards her in spades too. He needs therapy re his mother and needs to also realise that its not his fault she is like this nor did he make her that way. Her parents did that to her. Will he be willing to see a therapist?.

I would not bother to have a conversation with her given she does not engage at all with either you or your child. Its not possible to have a relationship of any sort with someone this disordered of thinking, do not merely think of her as depressed. There's far more going on here - she may well have some untreated and untreatable personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder. Her constant demands for attention and celebrations (of her) could point to this. Both of you need to put far more mental, as well as physical distance, from her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 11:23

Maintain your boundaries re his mother (i.e you and your child continue to not engage with her) and consistently apply them. Encourage your DH to seek therapy re his mother.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 11:28

She’s only 70 too so still very capable and young..

my DH is upset/frustrated with me for not being open or welcome enough.. which is a huge shame.. he said I am affecting his relationship with her..

his guilt is taking over and I’m so tired of it all.. we’ve been married nearly 10 years..

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 11:29

Fear and obligation are exact words I would use too

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 28/12/2023 11:35

That’s quite a stretch @AttilaTheMeerkat

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 11:38

Thefirsttime

re your comment:
"my DH is upset/frustrated with me for not being open or welcome enough.. which is a huge shame.. he said I am affecting his relationship with her.."

What about his relationship with you?. Whose his primary loyalty to; his mother or you people as his family?.

What more does he expect you to do given that she does not talk to you and otherwise bad mouths you when he is not around?. Enabling her as her late husband did and now your H is expected to do makes her behaviour worse.

That's rich of him saying that you are affecting his relationship with her. His mother's lifetime conditioning of him is affecting every relationship he is having. He needs to realise that his inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and your child. He cannot and equally will not stand up for himself here when it comes to his mother so blames you. He needs therapy like yesterday re his mother and the FOG buttons his parents installed. He would rather you all get along so he can have a quiet life but that is never going to happen.

I would consider whether he is a man you actually want to remain married to.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 11:41

He is using his culture as to why he is obligated to her..

saying that it is his duty to look after her and ensure she is not on her own… ???

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 11:47

Culture has nothing to do with this. Not all parents demand their now adult child to look after them in their dotage. Does your H really want to step into the enabling role of his late father?. Is he actually planning on living with her then?. And at what cost to you as a family unit?. He needs to realise that his mother is on her own for very good reason; she has driven people away by her control freakery behaviour and she will mistreat him similarly.

crumblingschools · 28/12/2023 11:49

How far away does she live?

CommonSenze · 28/12/2023 11:52

@AttilaTheMeerkat
“Culture has nothing to do with this.”
A lot of Asian communities expect children to care for elderly parents.

Merrymouse · 28/12/2023 12:01

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 11:20

Your MIL is an abusive and otherwise toxic person who has driven people away through her control freakery behaviour. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. She has your now H on a tight leash as she did with her late husband. His comment was an unrealistic demand, not a request. Your H's late father also failed abjectly to protect his son from his wife's overbearing and otherwise demanding behaviours.

re your comment
"and she puts on him and expects him to jump when she says".

That is why your H feels guilty; she has installed that particular button in him. He also likely has fear and obligation towards her in spades too. He needs therapy re his mother and needs to also realise that its not his fault she is like this nor did he make her that way. Her parents did that to her. Will he be willing to see a therapist?.

I would not bother to have a conversation with her given she does not engage at all with either you or your child. Its not possible to have a relationship of any sort with someone this disordered of thinking, do not merely think of her as depressed. There's far more going on here - she may well have some untreated and untreatable personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder. Her constant demands for attention and celebrations (of her) could point to this. Both of you need to put far more mental, as well as physical distance, from her.

Is there more information in previous threads?

Original poster
Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 12:59

Lives an hour away

OP posts:
anybloodyname · 28/12/2023 13:16

It is very wrong to dismiss cultural issues here

There are many communities where this is absolutely the norm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 14:05

He is using culture here as an excuse. Everyone else does not bother with her for good reason.

Abuse cuts across all classes and creeds.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/12/2023 14:42

Found this post insightful

www.instagram.com/reel/C1NjOx4yj_4/?igsh=MXNobDA2cXp5b2htZw==

LocalHobo · 28/12/2023 14:52

My DH made his dying father a similar promise, so there it is.
Could you move her closer? My MIL was 76 when widowed and has a full social life but, for future planning, DH needed to explain that she would need to be easily accessible for him to support. Does DH have any siblings who can share responsibility? If she refuses to be flexible with helping him to help her, get the situation in writing (email or letter) so DH can remind himself he did what he promised.
Be proud to have a DH who keeps his promises.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/12/2023 15:04

Personally knowing what I know now, if you don't have kids I would divorce him, she's been alone since 60, she will never find anyone else and will always need your husband.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/12/2023 15:11

Urgh just read you have a child with him, it's not good is it. I fear if my FIL goes first, my MIL will turn this way, she's bad enough as it is. We are just different people and that's fine. Unfortunately if my partner said we had to move nearer her I wouldn't do it, rather be single tbh. Not sure what the resolution is so I would seriously consider not moving nearer her. Sounds like she's created her own misery.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 15:31

We are not moving closer and she will not move here.. yes we can all check in on our parents, visit them, have them visit us but this is not about that.. it’s about a toxic lady who happens to be my MIL and is putting strain on my marriage by demanding my husband basically look after her in every way.. she has no social life, barely leaves her house, doesn’t speak English even though lived here for 30 years and thinks by buying presents we should be grateful and do as she says.. the moment I/we introduce boundaries she plays victim and gives silent treatment, it’s exhausting…

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefirstime · 28/12/2023 15:35

Husband feels guilty she lives on her own and yet her life/happiness is not his responsibility!!

OP posts:
adultsizedogbed · 28/12/2023 15:48

Get her to move to a retirement village . Then she will have company ! My mum does this to me and I won't give in !

I help etc but she isn't not living with me .. does she do clubs etc . I have my mum in clubs every day to keep her busy and help her with everything else but I'm not her slave and won't be cajoled into anything I don't want to do from her guilt !

CommonSenze · 28/12/2023 16:02

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2023 14:05

He is using culture here as an excuse. Everyone else does not bother with her for good reason.

Abuse cuts across all classes and creeds.

Apologies misunderstood your point. Yes he is using as an excuse. I think OP even said that.

adultsizedogbed · 28/12/2023 17:33

I have just read your last post and realise she isn't English ..

That's your issue as a lot of Asian and other communities look after their elders in a different way so he is obligated to do so or feels it more than I for instance would do .

Does she have assets ? If so use them to make her life and yours better .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2023 17:37

Unfortunately there isn't really a solution to this unless he wants there to be; she's got into the habit now of expecting him to do everything and there won't be any change unless he makes it

Given that she could easily live for another 20 years the only thing I can suggest is a calm talk about where he sees this going ... not as in "Ooooo what can I dooooo", but an actual discussion around how it can be handled better ... and if he's not receptive even to that it may be that you'll have a hard decision to make