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Original poster

DH and female friend...

60 replies

User134089 · 28/12/2023 00:53

Hello, my DH (together 13 years, married 3, mid thirties) worked at a company in 2015 for one year and made friends with 3 people in that time that he kept in touch with after he left. This was when we lived together at my parents house and the company was based in the same town. We then moved away 2-3 hours drive. We go back fairly regularly to that town for holidays and stay with my parents (it's where I grew up and where all my friends are too). When we go back he will often meet that group of friends and have dinner/drinks as a four.

One of the girls in the group I cannot remember him really ever mentioning during his employment at the company but has taken to messaging my husband privately outside the group chat to ask him to meet up with her 1:1 in addition to the group meets, or in lieu of if the group aren't free. He's done this a few times and he has gone on walks with her around the town where my parents live while I'm at my parents house.

I've never met any of these friends and have asked but he said he would find it weird to bring me (another girl in the group has a husband but never brings him).

I know it's irrational but my gut reaction every time he tells me she has messaged to ask him to meet and he goes is uneasiness. I've never expressed this to him as the meets are infrequent as we don't live in this town anymore. However, we are TTC and hoping to move back to be close to family and friends. I think unfortunately this anxiety is just part of who I am and isn't a reflection of his trustworthiness; this is just how I feel in these types of situations because of my own experiences growing up, which is why I haven't said a word to him about how I feel. But today, as we are back over the Christmas period she has sent a message asking him when he's free for a walk in addition to the group meal they are doing tomorrow.

I am just wondering if I should try and talk to him about this, mostly due to my worries about how this could play out when we move back. In an ideal world I would prefer it if he just kept their meetings to the group situation.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2023 01:06

Why are you so nervous? Just tell him its not on.
Im sure he'd immediately start on with you if you developed a friendship with a man then went off for meet ups with him (calling it a 'walk' doesnt make it any different - they're meeting each other and how would you know it's only a 'walk' anyway?) and then didn't want him to meet said man. Be careful about ttc'ing with him just now - I bet hes spilling his guts about his life, relationship etc to this silly woman who needs to find better to do than wander around with a married man. I'd advise you to not listen to the 'well a man can have a female friend' crew who may land on this post. Men can have female friends but this situation is rightly making you uneasy so trust your gut feeling. Your husband is out of order.

Pretying · 28/12/2023 01:15

He's banking on your embarrasment and shame of accusing him of something.

Don't be a doormat, tell him you don't like this, I also agree with @DeeCeeCherry don't listen to the cool wife mob, they'll be here soon after they've finished walking with someone else's husband.

Here they come....

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2023 01:20

Your husband is out of order, and I expect he well knows it. Of course you need to talk to him about this. I'd bet my house he wouldn't like it one little bit of the shoe were on the other foot and you were the one going on walks with another man. Your idiot husband is playing with fire.

Sashya · 28/12/2023 01:55

Personally - I think it's completely OK to tell him you feel vulnerable and open up to him. Surely - given the length of your relationship he knows you, and probably knows some things are causing you anxiety.

I do think it's OK to say that it feels strange that a single woman wants to hang out with him on his own. Especially a woman who you never met. After all - if they are friends - meeting spouses is a normal thing. Otherwise - it does send her a wrong message, in my opinion.
And, in addition - if you do move to that town to settle there - I think it is perfectly OK to expect that you would have his friends over - as this is what friends do.

occa · 28/12/2023 02:09

Honestly it's really lucky this situation has happened before you've conceived because his reaction to you telling him you're uncomfortable will probably tell you a lot about whether having a child with him is a good idea.

If he minimizes, gets defensive or gaslights you when you bring it up, run.

Fivepigeons · 28/12/2023 02:16

I think meeting someone for a walk a couple of times a year isn't really cause for concern personally. You'll get some skewed answers on mumsnet as it seems people on here jump the gun to 'he's cheating' about literally anything.
I think you sound pretty reasonable..
What I would personally do is insist on meeting her together at some point.
The only thing I think is out of order is that you've never met her. I wouldn't give a shit who my DH went on walks with but it would bother me if he acted wierd about introducing me to a friend. I wouldn't expect to join them on their walks but I would expect to meet them at some point.. have them round for dinner or go for a drink. I would think it odd that this person were part of their life for years yet I've never met then.
I think you should say that you want to meet her so you feel more comfortable about their friendship.

viixta · 28/12/2023 02:56

The only advice I have is to follow your gut instinct..... It is rarely wrong in my experience... when something feels off - it usually is, sadly.

MsDogLady · 28/12/2023 03:37

This would be unacceptable in my marriage.

@User134089, your discomfort regarding these cozy walking dates is valid, and you need to address it with your H.

He should have no problem prioritizing your feelings and ceasing these private meet-ups. However, any balking, downplaying, or accusations of your being controlling, paranoid, etc., will speak volumes and indicate that he’s on a slippery slope.

Keep posting for support, @User134089.

madeleine85 · 28/12/2023 04:11

Believe in your gut feeling. My DH is friends with someone he has in the past hooked up with, and she’s amazing. I would 100% be ok with them hanging out alone. But, he has another uni friend who is a woman and something has always felt “off”, to the point my friends other halves have asked why a random woman was flirting with my BF in front of me at group things. It took a couple of conversations, but eventually he distanced from her. It might take a few conversations, and be ready to tell your husband “it makes me feel like x”, rather than coming off as accusatory. but his listening/actions on your concerns should tell you if this is ok/not.

Cherryana · 28/12/2023 04:39

I wouldn’t like it one bit, I think it’s disrespectful to you and for me, unacceptable.

I do think it’s time that you got introduced to his friends.

If they are so close - why weren’t any of them at your wedding?

LinnieM · 28/12/2023 04:48

I personally don’t see the problem if he’s meeting up with a friend infrequently 1 on 1. And no that doesn’t make me apart of the ‘cool wife mob’ @Pretying 😕

However, if you’re not comfortable OP then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you saying something. I also don’t see why you’re not able to come along to one of these walks in order to meet this woman. His reaction is important here. Will he get defensive or will he make sure his wife is comfortable with the situation and back off if not?

Holdingsteady · 28/12/2023 05:25

Why on earth does he want to go for a walk with a woman he once worked with, when he only just had dinner with same woman and other ex colleagues the night before? This does not make sense, unless, he has a ‘special kind of friendship’ with this particular person, in which case this is not ok.

Also, how sure are you that he is actually meeting with said colleague’s.
Something smells very fishy about this whole thing, have you seen any evidence of these meetups? Group photos etc? Surely there would be at least a photo of an annual get together with old friends.

OP, call his bluff, tell him you want to see photos of tomorrows group meetup including a picture of this misery woman.

If the group meet is unexpectedly cancelled then you know you have something to worry about.

Other than that, tell him you really want some exercise and will be coming with him on his walk and would love to meet his friend.

Mintygoodness · 28/12/2023 05:32
Suspicious Red Flag GIF by ABC Network

Not normal in a marriage to have friends that you refuse to introduce to your spouse, especially of the opposite sex.

CandidClarisse · 28/12/2023 07:51

Ask to join them on a walk! It's not weird if she's a friend of his for you to want to meet her too! If he says yes it gives you a chance to judge their vibe, I can always tell when there's attraction between people. If he says no then you need to think of why he wants to keep you apart.

solice84 · 28/12/2023 08:02

It's always handy in these situation to flip it around
Imagine if you had a male friend you were texting and going off for walks with and you dh wasn't invited
Would he be happy?
I'm guessing not

OhpoorMe · 28/12/2023 09:20

Since when did going for a walk with a friend become cheating?! Leave them be - unless you think he's the kind to jump for a cheap shag in the woods?

Loubelle70 · 28/12/2023 09:29

Id want to meet her or go on walk with them...if it's innocent therell be no objection. Even twice a year there can be a build up of emotional affair..also ..does he chat online to her regularly?. The group meets id no prob with...alone with this woman..not unless id met her to suss out their dynamic.
Does he go on walks with you?

Loubelle70 · 28/12/2023 09:30

CandidClarisse · 28/12/2023 07:51

Ask to join them on a walk! It's not weird if she's a friend of his for you to want to meet her too! If he says yes it gives you a chance to judge their vibe, I can always tell when there's attraction between people. If he says no then you need to think of why he wants to keep you apart.

Yep.also u may like her if nothing is going on

justchristmas · 28/12/2023 09:32

CandidClarisse · 28/12/2023 07:51

Ask to join them on a walk! It's not weird if she's a friend of his for you to want to meet her too! If he says yes it gives you a chance to judge their vibe, I can always tell when there's attraction between people. If he says no then you need to think of why he wants to keep you apart.

This!

Original poster
User134089 · 28/12/2023 09:37

Loubelle70 · 28/12/2023 09:29

Id want to meet her or go on walk with them...if it's innocent therell be no objection. Even twice a year there can be a build up of emotional affair..also ..does he chat online to her regularly?. The group meets id no prob with...alone with this woman..not unless id met her to suss out their dynamic.
Does he go on walks with you?

Yes at the moment it's pretty irregular as we don't live in this town, but my concern is that it has the potential to become weekly/a couple of times a week thing when we move back. So I feel like I do want to talk to him about it. I don't believe there is anything going on. I think he genuinely is going on walks and I've seen photos of group meet ups. It's just the (irrational?) anxiety of a slippery slope and the fear of moving back and him doing this leaving me at home with me possibly looking after a baby if TTC is successful.
I go for walks with my husband all the time.

OP posts:
RenoDakota · 28/12/2023 09:38

Trust your gut feeling, OP.
And - walking around your parents' hometown while you sit at home with them is weird and unnecessary. And wouldn't it be embarrassing if your parents ran into him while he was out on one of these jaunts with some other woman? Don't think many parents would appreciate or understand their daughter being treated with such disregard.

Loubelle70 · 28/12/2023 09:47

User134089 · 28/12/2023 09:37

Yes at the moment it's pretty irregular as we don't live in this town, but my concern is that it has the potential to become weekly/a couple of times a week thing when we move back. So I feel like I do want to talk to him about it. I don't believe there is anything going on. I think he genuinely is going on walks and I've seen photos of group meet ups. It's just the (irrational?) anxiety of a slippery slope and the fear of moving back and him doing this leaving me at home with me possibly looking after a baby if TTC is successful.
I go for walks with my husband all the time.

Show quote history

Id ask to tag along on the walk.

Csharpminor · 28/12/2023 09:52

Seems innocent enough. Good advice on asking to meet up with her and him even for coffee together before they have their walk. It's totally normal to meet friends of a partner this way and hiding them away is the opposite.

You'll know if something is up being there in person.

Didimum · 28/12/2023 10:15

occa · 28/12/2023 02:09

Honestly it's really lucky this situation has happened before you've conceived because his reaction to you telling him you're uncomfortable will probably tell you a lot about whether having a child with him is a good idea.

If he minimizes, gets defensive or gaslights you when you bring it up, run.

Yep, this exactly.

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 28/12/2023 10:46

It seems that she is not naturally a close friend, but she is trying to forge a closer friendship through requesting this alone time with your husband. She is targeting him and he is allowing this murky water into your marriage and not recognising (or selfishly ignoring) the potential damage.

I think you need to have the conversation about why she is so entitled to his time and he feels so beholden to give his time to her. Ask him how important she is that she merits this exclusive time even though it makes you uncomfortable.

If he downplays the importance of it (she's just a friend, she's going through a bad time etc.) and is her knight / rescuer / only friend available to discuss this particular issue, then you'll really need to worry.