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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and female friend...

60 replies

User134089 · 28/12/2023 00:53

Hello, my DH (together 13 years, married 3, mid thirties) worked at a company in 2015 for one year and made friends with 3 people in that time that he kept in touch with after he left. This was when we lived together at my parents house and the company was based in the same town. We then moved away 2-3 hours drive. We go back fairly regularly to that town for holidays and stay with my parents (it's where I grew up and where all my friends are too). When we go back he will often meet that group of friends and have dinner/drinks as a four.

One of the girls in the group I cannot remember him really ever mentioning during his employment at the company but has taken to messaging my husband privately outside the group chat to ask him to meet up with her 1:1 in addition to the group meets, or in lieu of if the group aren't free. He's done this a few times and he has gone on walks with her around the town where my parents live while I'm at my parents house.

I've never met any of these friends and have asked but he said he would find it weird to bring me (another girl in the group has a husband but never brings him).

I know it's irrational but my gut reaction every time he tells me she has messaged to ask him to meet and he goes is uneasiness. I've never expressed this to him as the meets are infrequent as we don't live in this town anymore. However, we are TTC and hoping to move back to be close to family and friends. I think unfortunately this anxiety is just part of who I am and isn't a reflection of his trustworthiness; this is just how I feel in these types of situations because of my own experiences growing up, which is why I haven't said a word to him about how I feel. But today, as we are back over the Christmas period she has sent a message asking him when he's free for a walk in addition to the group meal they are doing tomorrow.

I am just wondering if I should try and talk to him about this, mostly due to my worries about how this could play out when we move back. In an ideal world I would prefer it if he just kept their meetings to the group situation.

OP posts:

solice84 · 28/12/2023 10:53

What do your parents think of him going out with another woman , a relatively new friend, when you have travelled 2-3 hours to see them ?

MummyJ36 · 28/12/2023 10:56

You should always listen to your gut.

Northsideoftheriver · 28/12/2023 11:07

viixta · 28/12/2023 02:56

The only advice I have is to follow your gut instinct..... It is rarely wrong in my experience... when something feels off - it usually is, sadly.

Was going to write the same.
It wouldn't sit well with me either OP.

Lala727 · 28/12/2023 11:14

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 28/12/2023 10:46

It seems that she is not naturally a close friend, but she is trying to forge a closer friendship through requesting this alone time with your husband. She is targeting him and he is allowing this murky water into your marriage and not recognising (or selfishly ignoring) the potential damage.

I think you need to have the conversation about why she is so entitled to his time and he feels so beholden to give his time to her. Ask him how important she is that she merits this exclusive time even though it makes you uncomfortable.

If he downplays the importance of it (she's just a friend, she's going through a bad time etc.) and is her knight / rescuer / only friend available to discuss this particular issue, then you'll really need to worry.

Can I ask you to expand, particularly on the last para?

Derb · 28/12/2023 12:23

My best friend is male (also met at work) so I totally understand how there can be platonic friendships. However, my DH has met my friend hundreds of times and is very much part of our friendship. He doesn't find our relationship strange but I'm sure he wouldn't be comfortable if he had ever met him at all.

I wouldn't be happy with your scenario and would speak to your DH about your concerns.

Hbosh · 28/12/2023 12:44

Whatever frame of reference you choose in your marriage, needs to be based on mutual respect.

My husband and I do have friends of the opposite sex that we do hang out with. However, we check in with each other regularly about how comfortable the other is. If my husband would ever say to me that he doesn't want me meeting one of my friends, I would trust his instincts. My husbands feelings matter more to me than any friendship. It would only be a problem if he was limiting me in all of my friendships.
When my husband and I meet up with friends, there is always an explicit agreement that if the other wants to come along, they are always invited. There is no secrecy, these people come to our house for drinks and dinner as well.
This is how we respect each other.

Talk to your husband and give him a chance to be respectful to you as his wife. Your feelings should matter more to him than those of his friend.

Newbutoldfather · 28/12/2023 12:51

These ‘friendship’ situations occur a lot on here.

If you have an opposite sex friend (as I do have many) whom you have known years before the relationship and are happy to introduce to your partner, that is great. In this day and age platonic opposite sex friendships are very healthy.

Sudden new intense friendships, generally from the workplace, and either secret or hiding in plain site, are dangerous. They are generally either already ongoing affairs or potential affairs.

There is no reason you have to accept a spouse having a secret ‘friend’ and stay married.

MerryMarigold · 28/12/2023 14:21

I think it's very odd they're going for a meal and she's still trying to arrange a 1:1 walk. I could sort of understand if everyone is busy and they end up meeting up. But that's different. Even if he denies anything more, you can say its not fair on her. He's leading her on, and no doubt enjoying her infatuation with him.

MerryMarigold · 28/12/2023 14:24

This is how emotional affairs start and then develop into physical affairs.

SheilaFentiman · 28/12/2023 14:27

I re read your OP and this is a pretty small group, only 4 of them. Nothing to stop DH saying, “hey, since we are just visiting town for a few days, I would like to bring my wife along, why don’t you bring your spouse too, X, then we can all meet?”

Pickles2023 · 28/12/2023 14:40

I wouldnt be happy at all...

My DH had a friend, but difference was he was excited to introduce us, and we all became close friends..we all have 1:1 calls ect if one of us is busy when she rings...

But if he was purposefully keeping us apart and going on walks even when met at a meal earlier..weird..do they have phonecalls? My DH would include me in them or chat openly when i was around before we met..

That felt natural..this scenario not at all.

Original poster

User134089 · 28/12/2023 17:35

It seems that she is not naturally a close friend, but she is trying to forge a closer friendship through requesting this alone time with your husband

@LoseMeLikeAnArrow this is my concern too as it's always her messaging him to ask to meet, never the other way round, and she never asks in their group chat it's always a private WhatsApp message just to him.

I don't like that I'm left at my parents house and never invited and I do think my parents would not understand if they saw him out with her one time.
I just think it would be better if he kept it to just group meet ups as if she is interpreting these meetings as potential for something more with him, then this could cause big issues later down the line, potentially jeopardising the actual group friendship when I always thought it was so nice he kept in touch and has Christmas dinners with the etc. Yes it's up to him not to cheat but I don't think it's good him meeting up with someone who then feels like he's leading her on (though this is of course speculation).

OP posts:

1Ta1T · 28/12/2023 18:30

I am amused- but not surprised - by the comments that seem to suggest that if you don't like these walks you should tell him and he should simply stop them. That would surely be unacceptably controlling behaviour in other circumstances.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership based on trust, honesty/openness, communication, respect and love. Friendships with either sex ought to be fine as long as that honesty, respect and communication is shown, and the trust exists.

So, if you feel uncomfortable, communicate that to your partner in a respectful way and ask for his help.

MsDogLady · 28/12/2023 18:53

@User134089, it does sound like she is trying to build a closer connection with your H … and he is going along with it.

Certainly any alone time they engage in will naturally have a different dynamic than meeting in the group will. That investment of emotional energy, time and attention can lead to an inappropriate attachment and reliance that threatens your marriage.

As I said earlier, I would tackle this asap and request that he distance himself. As others have cautioned, he’s playing with fire.

YouTookMyUsername · 28/12/2023 21:43

1Ta1T · 28/12/2023 18:30

So, if you feel uncomfortable, communicate that to your partner in a respectful way and ask for his help.

This makes sense but if OP's DH reconsiders the walk after she communicates her worry, is she now controlling?

I mean, she's not stopping him being her friend, she simply doesn't like this situation. That's up to them and their relationship, it's not necessarily controlling

Cherryana · 28/12/2023 22:05

But there are lots of compromises eg op goes on the walk too, other friends join so it’s not 1:1.

When you make a marriage commitment to someone it means that you can’t do whatever you want anymore, with no regard to your husband/wife. Both have to consider each others points of view, on all sorts of issues.

This isn’t about trust - it’s about priorities. What can the husband do to show his wife has the highest consideration in his decision making.

Orio2023 · 29/12/2023 00:56

I’ve experienced this twice in my past relationships. One was a budding emotional affair and the other a full blown affair.

How would he feel if you were prioritising a male friend over his parents?

MsDogLady · 29/12/2023 05:55

It’s very concerning that he is accepting this escalation and changing dynamic, from the group to the more intimate private, with a woman you’ve never even met. It’s not on. Like you said, you are excluded and left at your parents’ house while they are out and about enjoying themselves. Some may even assume they’re a couple. The more it happens, the more it is normalized and will be difficult to rein in if you move back to the area. This 1:1 needs to be nipped now.

autienotnaughty · 29/12/2023 06:55

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband having a one on one friendship with a woman that I wasn't a part of.

It's reasonable to sit down and say 'actually this makes me uncomfortable. I wonder how you would feel if I had a friendship with a man you had never met and I meet him alone.'

It's ok to ask him to stop meeting her alone. And actually you are better knowing his reaction now before you get pregnant. If he turns it on you and implies your the problem that would be a real concern going forward.

OVienna · 29/12/2023 16:35

The thing that is weird about this is it wasn't even that close of a colleague - they worked together for a really short time, relatively speaking. I get that they all meet up together - this does make a bit of sense if you're in the same town - but what could possibly be in it for her to cultivate the one on one?

It's not like going for a walk isn't something you couldn't do with literally anyone, it's not a specialist hobby and it's not like they're going to work related events together, which I could also see, if she saw your DH as someone who could be important for her career.

I;m sure your DH is a very nice guy and absolutely fascinating but yes I can see why it would feel bizarre she was making an effort to seek him out in this way.

OVienna · 29/12/2023 16:40

For me it's not having the one on one friendship with the woman.

University friends, person with a specialist interest your DH shared, longstanding work colleague, even an ex with a substantive shared history who'd moved on and transitioned into a friend - all of these things could make a lot of sense.

This is a woman whose 'history' is marginal at best with your DH and all in a group context. I would be suspicious of why she wanted to transition to a one on one too.

HerMammy · 29/12/2023 17:18

Seems unusual that in 8 years he has these friends you've never met, I'd ask to go on the walk and see his reaction. The female seems quite sneaky with her private msgs outside the group chat, definetely say something

Ultravox · 29/12/2023 17:45

I wouldn’t like this either OP. I’ve got a WhatsApp group with some old work colleagues & I’m friendlier with some more than others. I’ve got loads in common with one of the guys and we get on really well & occasionally exchange private messages about something funny or a shared interest, but I’d never suggest meeting up one to one and neither would he. We’re both married so even though our friendship is platonic, it just wouldn’t be right.

It sounds like she’s the one making moves but I think you have to tell your husband that it’s not appropriate to spend so much time one to one with her. As others have said already, his reaction will speak volumes.

Whatonearth07957 · 29/12/2023 17:59

Can you do a drop off or pick up? Be using the car for shopping or something so you get to be part of meet up?

MsDogLady · 29/12/2023 18:16

I’m realizing that the group meal is today. Are you going to speak to him before they set up a private meet-up?

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