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Original poster

bfs complicated friendship with ex

27 replies

zebralady91 · 27/12/2023 15:50

my relationship with my bf is great except for his ex. He says she is her best friend but she is jealous so won't introduce me to her, though he tells me when he is going out for a drink with her, he has cancelled plans with me to make plans with her. He told her about us dating a few weeks into our relationship and he said she was upset and she said she didn't wish us well. He said that no man has lived up to him for her but he just see's her as a sister and feels bad for breaking up with her. They broke up a few years and became fast friends with no no contact period, but with periods of fighting, the most recent fight three months before we started dating. Trying to be accommodating and kind I said I would love to meet her and befriend her, especially as he said she was lonely and he was one of her only friends, and of courseI want to be pals with all of his, but he refuses to introduce her to me. she began watching all of my instagram stories on and off blocking me thinking I couldn't see. I got a job in her and his neighbourhood via a good friend of mine (small city) not far from my neighbourhood and he was mad at me, saying it would upset her if she saw me, which made me feel like I shouldn't exist and felt uncomfortable going to work and also to his flat which was nearby, then I quit to help save the our relationship. He says I am overreacting by being upset, am I? or is it a potential Charles and camilla situation?

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 15:52

So which one of you is the ow?

Psychoticbreak · 27/12/2023 15:52

Run. Now. Fast.

Asifiwouldnt · 27/12/2023 15:53

He’s still seeing her romantically but making her jealous by also dating you. He sounds like a nasty loser and you can do a lot better

Meme54 · 27/12/2023 15:55

@zebralady91

sadly my ex of 9 year was best mates with his ex
he kept cheating on her with me … hence ex

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 15:58

How old are you? This sounds like high school drama. I wouldn’t put up with it.

PremiumPork · 27/12/2023 16:00

Come on OP he is blatantly sleeping with her!

INeedFriends · 27/12/2023 16:08

You quit your job?? More fool you, he is more than likely stringing you both along. He is not worth it

Original poster
zebralady91 · 27/12/2023 16:15

good question! though I have met his parents and other friends..

OP posts:
Original poster
zebralady91 · 27/12/2023 16:16

They are both older than me in their early 40s, I am in my early 30s. I never experienced this type of drama in high school dating tbh, its all new to me.

OP posts:
offuntilnewyear · 27/12/2023 16:31

Well you set your bar and I'll set mine.

DatingDinosaur · 27/12/2023 17:15

Sorry, he's loving the fact that she's still in love with him.

He's probably still in love with her too.

Why didn't you dump him for cancelling plans with you to go out drinking with her? He really, right there, showed you where his priorities lie.

There's being friends with an ex, as in, being on friendly terms and saying hi to each other if you bump into each other and there's being "friends" with an ex, as in, carrying on as if you haven't split up.

Sounds like there's too much unfinished business going on there OP. Personally, I'd dump him and leave them to it.

PaintedEgg · 27/12/2023 17:21

read the first two lines of your post - he is cheating, likely on both of you

Frazzledmummy123 · 27/12/2023 17:30

He is hiding her from you for a reason. Either they are still together or he is getting off on having 2 women wanting his attention. Either way, it isn't normal and I'd break this one off as his ex is way too active in his life.

Sorchamarie · 27/12/2023 19:25

"she is jealous so won't introduce me to her"

"he has cancelled plans with me to make plans with her"

"I got a job in her and his neighbourhood and he was mad at me, saying it would upset her if she saw me"

I'm really sorry OP, but it's extremely clear from the above that she, and her feelings, are the priority for him, not you. So much so that he has no problem letting you down, or upsetting you, and even having you quit your new job to protect her feelings! You're being treated very badly here. Please strongly consider ending this relationship. I highly doubt it will get better.

Whattodowithit88 · 27/12/2023 22:18

yh his sleeping with both of you. So what if you’ve met his friends and family, they probably take the view that it’s his life and he can do what he wants and it’s nothing to do with them. Or he could be telling them that the other one is just a friend(even though she obviously is not!)

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 22:30

He won't introduce her and gets angry at you for taking a job in her area .....hmm.

Not above board.

Not kosher.

Also why are messing around with decade older men?
You're selling yourself short.

Sandia1 · 27/12/2023 22:33

Don't waste your time any longer. You should be his priority and you are clearly not!

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 22:37

he has cancelled plans with me to make plans with her

then I quit to help save the our relationship

This is frankly insane. A relationship in which he cancels plans with you to see his ex - an ex who is jealous and unhappy and doesn't wish you well and doesn't want to meet you/or he won't introduce you. He should have distanced himself or gone NC with her, not be cancelling plans with you to see her.

The job thing - there are no words.

Wtaf are you doing - this man should be incredibly grateful a ten years younger woman would get involved with him, yet he's acting like this. You should have dumped him or put him in the "multiple dating, one of several, don't take seriously" category, and seem him alongside other men of it suited you. Cause he's hardly got one woman in his life, has he?

Is he rich or something? Why would you put up with this shit.

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 22:41

This is weird AF and not a healthy relationship.

you quit a job because his ex was upset that the job was located somewhat near her? That’s insane. He should never have asked you to do that and you should never have done that.

clearly he’s prioritising her needs and their relationship is more than just friends. You need to end it with him

QuillBill · 27/12/2023 22:49

Perhaps this is something that they do.

Fight and bring someone else in to cause a bit of drama so they can have an exciting relationship.

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 22:50

It's also not a complicated "friendship" because people in a platonic, true friendship would not be acting like this.

There is a male dating etc theory called the red pill - it's got a lot of not great stuff but also a lot of valid stuff in it.

If a red pill guy got involved with a woman doing this (well they'd never get involved with an older woman for a serious relationship but putting that to the side) she would be immediately and permanently assigned to the "casual, fun, not relationship material, get whatever you want and discard, or rotation for sex" bin. She'd be considered a woman who has "orbiters" and fake (because they're not true platonic friendships) with men especially exes; is messy and a potential cheater, low quality and not relationship material.

I think they've got that right, and it definitely applies here, regardless of him being a man.

SkaneTos · 27/12/2023 22:57

A nice feeling for him, having two women being in love with him.

Ottersfortea · 27/12/2023 23:01

He thinks he’s a prize! He really isn’t - he’s low quality.

Original poster
zebralady91 · 29/12/2023 21:43

Thanks everyone, seems obvious now, especially as he lives with his parents so obviously the nights he is not at mine he can just go over to hers. We can't find traces of each other in his non existent flat. Don't know why they dragged me into this honestly. He isn't rich but she comes from money, so I must be a plaything before he goes with her for money. need to do better.

OP posts:
Datingahhhhhhhh · 29/12/2023 23:33

@zebralady91 I am genuinely struggling to understand why you have remained in this situation? It really couldn’t be any clearer that he is taking you for a mug. He’s not even trying to hide it, he’s openly seeing his ex and they are still emotionally tied to each other. 🤷‍♀️ You have been a willing participant in their game unfortunately. As for quitting your job for them … as a PP said, I have no words either! Please please work on your self esteem.

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