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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend sometimes spaces out when I’m talking and it makes me sad

55 replies

letitbe78 · 27/12/2023 13:29

On the whole our relationship is amazing but sometimes I find when I’m speaking he doesn’t seem that interested or doesn’t respond.
Sometimes I’ll tap him and he apologises and says he didn’t hear, so I have to repeat.
Sometimes I’ll tap him and then he does reply, but he seemed spaced out.
Sometimes if I’m talking at length about something he’ll say “mmm” “yeah” and I feel I have to apologise for rambling on.

This isn’t all the time, we often have long and Deep conversations.

I have spoken about this to him and he says it’s not the case, that he’s not bored, that he doesn’t mean to and sometimes he just doesn’t hear me. He also said that not everything requires a response.

Am I being silly? I do suffer from anxiety and wonder if it’s me.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 17:00

Don't take it personally, I zone out sometimes, it's actually not something a person has control of and it doesn't mean the conversation is boring. The zoning out means that whatever is said hasn't been registered, so he won't know if its interesting or not. I'd say with you he's being more himself and comfortable so accidentally zones out. When talking to others he may well have to put effort in to keep up with what is said - which does take some effort and is not relaxing.
If you really want his attention or it's important info, then stimulate by touching him on the arm, that will bring him back to reality. It's knowing how to manage it, and being aware that it's not you. If people could chose to always be aware of their surroundings, they would, because its more beneficial.

WhichEllie · 27/12/2023 17:04

He also said that not everything requires a response.

I’d pull him up hard on this. Not responding to someone that is talking to you or has addressed a comment to you is very rude and disrespectful. It’s telling that person that they and their comment are beneath your notice, or that you can’t be bothered with them. It’s very basic manners and communication to acknowledge and respond to others.

GotthroughChristmas · 27/12/2023 17:05

I think most people zone out sometimes . I think we’d need more to know if he’s an arse .

people have mentioned epilepsy and ADHD , I also know someone who’s having investigations into a heart condition where the early symptoms involved her zoning out .

CyberCritical · 27/12/2023 17:07

DH sometimes monologues about his day at work, he tells me in depth about the calls he has received and the emails he has answered, he barely breathes between sentences and honestly it's (a) not very interesting and (b) I have no opportunity to engage in the conversation. I end up tuning out.

Are you actually engaging him in a conversation or just talking at him?

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:08

A lot of men do that. They aren't like us (most of us anyway), they aren't interested in too much detail or unnecessary chat. They like straightforward talk, with a point, and facts.

Had 3 brothers, am married and have got 2 sons. All have been like that.

SallyWD · 27/12/2023 17:09

I do this myself and I'm a female. I genuinely can't help it. It is not a sign of boredom. It often happens when I'm extremely interested in what's being said! My mind just suddenly switches to something else for a while and I can't stop it.
Don't take it personally.

Chewbecca · 27/12/2023 17:10

My DH does this and it has got much worse over the years. If it really bothers you, bear that in mind!

BananaSplitsss · 27/12/2023 17:10

Tis often a bloke thing but equally females can be so intense . I know my sister is so intense. It’s like chill the fuck out. Not everyone wants to have a deep conversation or listen to it all the time.
Give him some space and chill op.

BananaSplitsss · 27/12/2023 17:13

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:08

A lot of men do that. They aren't like us (most of us anyway), they aren't interested in too much detail or unnecessary chat. They like straightforward talk, with a point, and facts.

Had 3 brothers, am married and have got 2 sons. All have been like that.

Yes this 👆
One hundred percent.

Married with two sons and none of them talk bollocks. Just cut to the chase , straightforward. Job done.
I am the same. I like it to the point.

pramhelpplease · 27/12/2023 17:16

My DH does this, sometimes will even go on his phone while i still talking. I stop talking until he realises I have stopped, to make a point. It's fucking rude

SpringleDingle · 27/12/2023 17:24

I find when I get peopled out I stop listening. I nod and smile in all the right places but my brain is awol. It’s nothing personal and I have no idea if you were being boring because I heard nothing. Try not to worry about it.

lapsedbookworm · 27/12/2023 17:27

Do you talk a lot though? DH talks so much.he even speaks out loud what he is doing as he does something, my only way to stay sane and be able.to think my own thoughts is to zone out from some of it.

goMe46 · 27/12/2023 18:21

Oh wow
I've had so many moans at my partner for this! I think it's wrong but I can't change him. He will comment when he wants to,not when I want him to.

Fs365 · 27/12/2023 19:01

WhichEllie · 27/12/2023 17:04

He also said that not everything requires a response.

I’d pull him up hard on this. Not responding to someone that is talking to you or has addressed a comment to you is very rude and disrespectful. It’s telling that person that they and their comment are beneath your notice, or that you can’t be bothered with them. It’s very basic manners and communication to acknowledge and respond to others.

If someone “pulled me up hard” on anything like this the last thing they should feel is the door slamming on their arse as they get kicked out

Aroundthewaygirl · 27/12/2023 19:17

I zoned out today when my coworker was chatting away about her Christmas day and I'm a woman. I tend to do it when the chatter has gone on too long. But sometimes I chatter on too long and my ex used to zone out too. It didn't really bother me as long as he didn't do it constantly.

Holdingsteady · 27/12/2023 19:34

My late father used to say, “I’ll cut a long story short” cue for us all to zone out lol.

would love to hear one of his short/long tales now though.

topcat2014 · 27/12/2023 20:16

I struggle with DW monologues, that can cover events up to 20 years ago, or people that I have never met.

Tbh I just mutter agreements every so often

Marmalade71 · 27/12/2023 20:31

I do this a lot - it can be boredom but most of the time it's simply that my brain is full. I have limited capacity for concentration and can only take in so much. I have learnt to build in breaks to my work diary as back to back meetings mean I will zone out half way through the second (I do work on other stuff in these breaks, just not communicating). I think in your partner's case the question is whether it happens when he's talking to other people, as well as to you. Perhaps also see if there is a pattern around tiredness. As I say, it may be boredom but there's plenty of reasons it may not be personal to you or anything you're saying.

sueelleker · 27/12/2023 20:37

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 13:40

Long shot but dd's bf had a form of epilepsy that showed as 'absences'.. He literally spaced out for a few seconds.. I never really noticed until dd found out about his diagnosis.. Sadly meant he couldn't drive..

I was wondering this. My late DH had epilepsy, and was always being told off at school for "daydreaming".

Riverlee · 27/12/2023 20:39

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 13:40

Long shot but dd's bf had a form of epilepsy that showed as 'absences'.. He literally spaced out for a few seconds.. I never really noticed until dd found out about his diagnosis.. Sadly meant he couldn't drive..

I wondered this as well.

Spacecowboys · 27/12/2023 20:42

I zone out sometimes as well and I’m female. I’m trying not to do it because it can come across as disinterest. It’s not that, it’s just that I have a lot of stuff going on in my head sometimes.

socks1107 · 27/12/2023 20:43

I zone out. I'm am bored of some subjects so I literally switch off when he starts.

FMSucks · 27/12/2023 20:55

Another one who has the attention span of a goldfish. I just cannot listen to someone go on but I’m a pro at looking interested! I do also think people who talk a lot need to be aware of it and tone it down, be aware that not everyone is going to find their lives as exciting as they do!

PurpleOrchid42 · 27/12/2023 20:55

I think I probably have ADD, and this is the exact reason why! I get so engrossed in my own thoughts about something, it's like hyper focus, and it sometimes takes someone to really tap me
on the shoulder or shout to get my attention. It's mainly when they're something troubling me that it gets really bad, because I get so absorbed in thinking about it, that it's like my senses shut off!

thenightsky · 27/12/2023 21:03

My DH does this too. I'm sure that the minute my mouth opens, his ears slam shut. And that's even when I'm responding to a question he's asked me. Like Xmas... he asks me every year what I want. I say earrings that are gold because any other metal rips my ears apart. After 40 years of this conversation he's still buying me rhodium plated fucking earrings I cannot wear.

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