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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending Engagement

35 replies

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 11:08

Regular poster. Name change.

So my partner and I are hardly talking - barely see each other and don’t even sleep in the same bed. We were meant to be getting married this year and I’ve been really clear that it isn’t going to work. We even discussed how we would stay together over Christmas and then would look at options as it isn’t working for any of us.

Woken up this morning - again own bed other side of the house - to find they’ve posted on instagram how 2023 is the last year they’ll be unmarried and a count down to what was the wedding date and absolutely isn’t going to be happening as far as I’m concerned. What on earth? I can’t help but think this is just huge manipulation on their part but I don’t know what to do as I really don’t want to get married as it isn’t going to work and I’ve been married before and it didn’t work. I’ve had to hold off replying a ‘WTF’ to the post and instead ignored it.

OP posts:

SapatSea · 27/12/2023 11:11

You just have to take a deep breath and have the difficult break up conversation.

Original poster

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 11:15

I thought we had multiple times

OP posts:

goody2shooz · 27/12/2023 11:23

@Scared2023 do you own or are you renting? Do you work? Have kids between you? No one can give any sensible advice without knowing that. But if you don’t want to marry him, make a start on getting out of the relationship. If you own, see a solicitor re selling the property. Make a move - just sitting not communicating won’t get you anywhere!

Original poster

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 11:48

I own the house. He moved in with me. Have children but none together.

OP posts:

Sandia1 · 27/12/2023 11:54

Stick to your guns and please don't marry them because you feel obliged to. They can't make you. Separate beds before you even tie the knot is not a great sign. I think they're happy living in your house and will get married to keep their feet under the table.

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 11:55

He needs to move out then! Why hasn't he?

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 11:56

Make sure he is out in 2023...

Original poster

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 11:57

His children are here too. They don’t see their mom so it means them all leaving and that’s very hard

OP posts:

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 11:58

End of the day it's you +your dc's happiness versus theirs. It really isn't your responsibility to house him or his dc. The sooner he finds an alternative address the better...

TheGreatGherkin · 27/12/2023 12:01

His kids are not your problem. Don't be guilt tripped into carrying on a relationship/getting married because of them. Seems like this relationship has run it's course.

Original poster

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 12:01

Thank you just so hard

OP posts:

Sandia1 · 27/12/2023 12:02

I get that you feel bad for his children, but you can finish the relationship kindly and give him time to sort his life out. If he expects you to get married while the relationship is not really a relationship, he is using you.

2jacqi · 27/12/2023 12:04

@Scared2023 it honestly is not your look out if he has to find a home for him and his children! seems like a convenience accomodation set up to me anyway! send him packing out of your house!

Newestname002 · 27/12/2023 12:06

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 11:57

His children are here too. They don’t see their mom so it means them all leaving and that’s very hard

That's more his problem than yours. Thank goodness you're not married yet and it's your home.

Start cancelling the wedding arrangements if at all possible, and get funds back in your account. Make your own bank account private and change all passwords and access codes to your account, phone, computer etc.

Remove any financial or other documents from your home to safe place (to limit any messing up he tries to do)

then

Tell him (as soon as possible) you no longer want to get married, that you are separating from him and need him to move out. Don't give him ages to move out.

Does he have family he can camp with whilst he looks for other accommodation? Is their mother still around for the children to stay temporarily? Or AirBnB for a while whilst he's searching? You don't want to be an uneasy guest in your own home for too long after you've asked him to leave. 🌹

NewDogOwner · 27/12/2023 12:07

Ah, he has a lot to lose. Keep being aware of that. You are a free home and a mother for his children. Stick to your guns.

Brainworm · 27/12/2023 12:07

It sounds as if there has been room in your conversations for him to feel he still has a foot in the door.

Now seems like a good time to talk to him about timelines. Some key milestones to cover are: when to tell the children, when he needs to move out by, when others will be told.

Deciding these things with him means that you can be sensitive to his needs but also ensure that you (and he) can move in with your lives.

That sounds simple when written down and overlooks how difficult such conversation are emotionally - the temptation to avoid the pain that is brought to the fore can be difficult to confront.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 27/12/2023 12:09

Have a conversation with him today while the post is still current, just say you know this relationship is not working out and we won't be getting married.
You need to start making a plan for moving out with the least disruption to your DC.
See what he says, chances are he's quite happy all the time you're housing them.

Original poster

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 12:13

Thanks all. I suffer with anxiety and feel sick since seeing the post. I appreciate all the advice

OP posts:

festivetinseling · 27/12/2023 12:19

He is manipulating you into complying so he gets a house, a housekeeper and a nanny.

Fuck that.

Sandia1 · 27/12/2023 12:19

You are a good person and I understand your anxiety. Try and picture life without him, in your own property with your own DCs. I promise you that you will be happier in the long run. You are not in a relationship, he is a lodger. Cancelling a wedding is much easier than a life with him.

Bestyearever2024 · 27/12/2023 12:22

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 12:13

Thanks all. I suffer with anxiety and feel sick since seeing the post. I appreciate all the advice

I'd ask him to take the post down (delete)

Tell him you want him and his children to leave your house before the middle of Jan

Tell him the relationship is over

If, by mid Jan he isn't gone, speak to a solicitor

Make sure that you change the locks once he's left

Push through your anxiety as this is for you and YOUR children's future

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 27/12/2023 12:24

Scared2023 · 27/12/2023 11:48

I own the house. He moved in with me. Have children but none together.

You tell him today he has 1 week then he will
be gone . That he has had plenty notice and nothing has changed. You can then either stick to this or in your head Give him a month to
find somewhere if he has nowhere .

If you haven’t cancelled the wedding venue etc or changed anything then of course he doesn’t believe you .. this is madness you sound like you may just get married because he isn’t taking you seriously .
You have to make moves to show him it’s over

Olika · 27/12/2023 12:26

I would sit down with him and clearly state (again) that your relationship is over and there won't be wedding. Then ask him what his plan is for himself and his kids and he needs to get the ball rolling. No commenting any social media posts etc. Just concentrate on dealing with this face to face with him.

blueskies23 · 27/12/2023 12:28

He is taking care of himself here, at your expense. He isn't looking out for you. I would talk to him as soon as you feel able.

mumda · 27/12/2023 12:33

What help do you need to get him gone?
He needs a firm deadline.
Have you got support from someone nearby?

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