Ending Engagement

[Scared2023]

Regular poster. Name change.

So my partner and I are hardly talking - barely see each other and don’t even sleep in the same bed. We were meant to be getting married this year and I’ve been really clear that it isn’t going to work. We even discussed how we would stay together over Christmas and then would look at options as it isn’t working for any of us.

Woken up this morning - again own bed other side of the house - to find they’ve posted on instagram how 2023 is the last year they’ll be unmarried and a count down to what was the wedding date and absolutely isn’t going to be happening as far as I’m concerned. What on earth? I can’t help but think this is just huge manipulation on their part but I don’t know what to do as I really don’t want to get married as it isn’t going to work and I’ve been married before and it didn’t work. I’ve had to hold off replying a ‘WTF’ to the post and instead ignored it.

Sweetheart, he's doesn't love you the way a husband loves a wife. Seperate beds and talks of surviving Christmas together?? That's not a marriage.

He doesn't want to be with you but he doesn't want to be homeless with his kids.
You're a meal ticket and a roof to him.

And that post is pure PUBLIC MANIPULATION.

It's going to be EXTREMELY hard kicking him out with the kids and he, and other people will guilt the shit out of you

Stay strong. Your happiness comes first.

He is not your responsibility.
His kids are not your responsibility.

If he has a mum or dad he can stay with, I'd want him out this week. I'd be inclined to say the kids can stay temporarily, if there's no room at his relatives' but you need him out asap.

Remember that as fond as you may be of his children, and as sad as it is about them not seeing their mum, you are not their parent and it isn't in their best interests to let them live in a situation which is inevitably going to fail - more harm will be done by letting this drag on, than in ending it civilly and soon.
Your responsibility is to your own children - you need to provide them with a stable home where's there's no relationship tension.

Please do not let him manipulate you. You need to stand firm and tell him he needs to move out by such and such date. Are all the children old enough to have a sit round the table discussion to explain that your relationship is not working anymore? Explaining that he will be looking for a place for him and his children.

This

Since he's announced his forthcoming nuptials, message him on insta congrats and ask when he'll be moving out to be with his one true love. Play his own game against him.

Set a leaving date. He's not on the deeds or the marriage certificate, so he has absolutely no right to stay. Don't fret over his kids as their family will step up.

Just get him out and change the locks.
Always change the locks. You never know about extra sets of keys.

A moment's courage is all that's needed. Then breathe.

@Scared2023

OP, As difficult as you may feel it is to end this relationship now, it will be much more difficult and expensive to get rid of him once you are legally married and gifted him a share your assets plus legal bills.

If you need to, have a script in your head you'll follow when you tell not ask him to leave. Take a deep breath and act. 🌹

Thank you all.

By making this announcement, he is making sure that you will look like the baddie to all your friends and family if you break the engagement now. Arch manipulator alert.

If you've a venue and vendors booked then this needs to be cancelled asap so they can offer the dates to other people and so your guest aren't making plans that can't be cancelled eg hotel bookings.

Tell him he has to move out in a month, then make sure that you cancel the wedding. Explain to all your friends and family (in person or by phone to avoid social media) that the relationship is over and he hasn’t accepted it yet. Hand your ring back to him.

You know what this is, you're right that this is huge manipulation on his part.

You were not put on this earth to make his life, or any other mans' life easy. Don't do it. He's a loon. Give him a month to find alternative accommodation for him and his children and a date by which to be moved out. Book a locksmith for that date, and be ready to pack his things and change the locks. Stick to that date. Get some support lined up for the day, take the day off, whatever you need to do and get him out.

What he want's doesn't trump what you want.