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Original poster

Awful at relationships

43 replies

confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 19:28

I would love some advice please. Every relationship that I’ve had has ended because my partners have deemed me as too controlling.

I am fully aware that I have excessive energy. I need to be on the go constantly. I don’t enjoy relaxing. I am happy to work a lot, have lots of social time and I do all the cleaning and cooking. I don’t complain about this.

I’m 39. My first relationship worked quite well at first. We had children young and he enjoyed being at home with the children. I would settle the children for bed but would do a hobby most evenings out of the house. After about 10 years he wanted me at home more but he didn’t want to do anything but watch telly. This then caused arguments because I was so bored. Ultimately I rebelled and he ended it.

I stayed single for a couple of years. The children were now older and we could do things together in the evenings and then at the weekends they would go to their dad’s and I would have time with friends and hobbies.

In recent years, I have had a couple of serious relationships but all have ended with me being dumped for being too controlling.

This morning my boyfriend of nearly 2 years has said that he doesn’t think he can continue with our relationship. This came about due to him being fed up with me over- planning and that he just wants to chill at home together. We spent Christmas Day together - just us and my two children. It wasn’t what I wanted but it had been a compromise. Last night he fell asleep in front of the telly, my teens were entertaining themselves so I went round to the neighbours and had a jolly good time. This morning, I got up cleaned and cooked breakfast and when I woke him so he could get ready for our plans. He said he wasn’t going and that if I did, he would end the relationship. I went anyway and had a lovely time without him. I do love him dearly but I know we are at the end of the road.

Not really sure why I’m posting. Nothing awful ever happens with my break ups and the reason are always my fault. Just not sure if I should give up on relationships altogether.

OP posts:
BoobyDazzler · 26/12/2023 19:36

What are your hobbies?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:37

That sounds exhausting op.

Original poster
confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 19:55

BoobyDazzler · 26/12/2023 19:36

What are your hobbies?

Changes over the years but I enjoy swimming, netball, gym, I sing in a choir, book clubs, history societies, crafts - anything that keeps me busy

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 19:56

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:37

That sounds exhausting op.

Perhaps the answer is to find someone who matches my vibe- although initially my current partner did - not sure what happened

OP posts:
Joy69 · 26/12/2023 20:57

Not sure what the answer is, but I totally get where you are coming from. I don't enjoy sitting around & to watch a box set would be my idea of hell. It's a difficult one because at the beginning partners appear to want the same. A year or so down the line, it's obvious that they don't. Luckily for me I have a brother who matches my energy & also outdoorsy friends.
I understand that peoples idea of pleasure is anothers hell.
Interested to hear other peoples views.

Blueey · 26/12/2023 21:01

Is it being so busy that's a problem for your partners, or a sense that you won't compromise? Is it your way or the highway because "that's just how I am"?

Always doing what you want isn't how relationships work. There has to be some level of give and take both ways, and for your partners to feel that you care about what they want, not just what you want. Perhaps you're better off single if that's hard for you.

EmmaEmerald · 26/12/2023 21:05

OP "This morning, I got up cleaned and cooked breakfast and when I woke him so he could get ready for our plans."

Please tell me they were plans he'd agreed to and he knew what time he'd have to get up.

is it possible he was trying to keep up and had the realisation he doesn't want that?

Specso · 26/12/2023 21:37

You just need to find someone who matches your energy.

Everyone is different and having a partner who constantly wanted to be out of the house doing things would drive me nuts but other people feel differently.

As others have said, is it that you won’t be flexible and always want things your way though because that’s a problem. I know people who are high energy who act really put out at anyone wanting to relax. They spend their time telling others they should be out enjoying the weather or not wasting the day etc etc. I believe they think they’re being helpful but it’s bloody annoying and just comes across as controlling and like you think you know best for everyone else.

If you’re happy to go off on your own or with friends etc and leave your partner be if they want to relax then it shouldn’t be an issue. If you’re constantly making plans and expecting them to do it all when they don’t want to then it is an issue.

YRGAM · 26/12/2023 21:45

I think your problem is a lack of compromise and empathy, not being controlling. Don't change who you are, but think about what others might like sometimes

Original poster
confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 22:12

Thank you for your responses - food for thought. He had agreed to the plans. We were going on a longish bike ride and then over to my sisters for a late lunch. I was happy to go alone on the bike ride but he wanted me at home. I just know he would have spent the morning staring at a screen of some kind instead of us spending quality time together. We are supposed to be spending new year in Paris - I thought he was planning on proposing. Never mind - I think we are probably not suited for a long term relationship.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/12/2023 22:17

I don't see how you would fit in a relationship to your life.

spookehtooth · 26/12/2023 22:17

Maybe just not the best matches.

If they seem so initially, could it be they're only really out a lot to meet someone, then after meeting you they slow down? I've seen that with people who meet friends of mine, they meet someone and then gradually their partner is out less followed by the friend.

You sound similar(ish) to me. I'm out fairly regular doing one thing or another with some friends not sure how I find the time to get up to so much. It's easily understood when you realise the stuff I don't do much of, like TV or films 🤣 My mind needs stuff to do

harerunner · 26/12/2023 22:36

We are supposed to be spending new year in Paris - I thought he was planning on proposing. Never mind - I think we are probably not suited for a long term relationship.

For someone you thought would be proposing to you in a matter of days, your reaction is unnaturally dismissive!

It's also very odd to end a serious relationship that was on the cusp of engagement because you want to do different things on Boxing Day....

Datingahhhhhhhh · 26/12/2023 22:55

@confusedeffie it sounds like you need constant entertaining and you aren’t content to just spend some quality time with your partners. Not saying you should be sat watching tele with them 7 days a week but sometimes it’s nice to have quality time together just doing nothing, cuddled on sofa etc. I would be exhausted being with someone who only wanted to be in my company when we were out doing something. Sounds like maybe you need to compromise a bit more or find someone who matches your energy?

Original poster
confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 23:17

harerunner · 26/12/2023 22:36

We are supposed to be spending new year in Paris - I thought he was planning on proposing. Never mind - I think we are probably not suited for a long term relationship.

For someone you thought would be proposing to you in a matter of days, your reaction is unnaturally dismissive!

It's also very odd to end a serious relationship that was on the cusp of engagement because you want to do different things on Boxing Day....

we are well matched in many ways. I suppose it’s when we are both off work that our differences become really problematic. We don’t permanently live together. Although he is here a lot of the time. I am not saying that I would have welcomed a proposal. Just that I thought it was on the horizon and he seems to have totally switched up. He said he couldn’t put up with me anymore. I respect his right to end things if he chooses to. I accept that I’m the problem as previous relationships ended for similar reasons - just not sure what I can do about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 23:18

Datingahhhhhhhh · 26/12/2023 22:55

@confusedeffie it sounds like you need constant entertaining and you aren’t content to just spend some quality time with your partners. Not saying you should be sat watching tele with them 7 days a week but sometimes it’s nice to have quality time together just doing nothing, cuddled on sofa etc. I would be exhausted being with someone who only wanted to be in my company when we were out doing something. Sounds like maybe you need to compromise a bit more or find someone who matches your energy?

Agree - need someone to match my energy for the long run.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 26/12/2023 23:29

I'm not sure I see anything controlling here. Just a mismatch of activity level and expectation, unless you're forcing them to join you, which it doesn't appear you do.

I'm tempted to ask why you feel the need to be doing something constantly? Is it a low boredom threshold, or are you keeping busy to avoid thinking about something?

spookehtooth · 26/12/2023 23:33

Why does him not being happy make you the problem @confusedeffie or either of you come to think of it. You're not doing anything anyone could consider wrong, another person would be fine with it or able to suggest an attractive counterproposal.

I remember an initial chat with a woman, who was concerned I was too busy. She wasn't happy with me deciding her concern meant we weren't suited either. I'm not up for being moulding by nagging 🤷‍♂️You can't win with some people.

Grendell · 26/12/2023 23:46

I can see it being controlling if you are scheduled to "do something" every waking moment and he is expected to fall in line.

When he told you if you went he would end the relationship - and you still went - that tells him your "going and doing" is more important than him.

That's ok. Just be one of those super social, super busy single people. Do your thing on your terms.

occhiazzurri · 26/12/2023 23:59

This is something I hear a lot from women who have a very busy social life only to find anyone they date or their partners being content with doing a lot less - in fact, all of my single female friends complain about the same. Perhapa there is a happy medium where you can compromise and spend some quality time with your partner if they are also willing to meet you half way and do some activities together (for any future reference). I am also very high energy and similar level of busy life and haven’t found anyone to match my energy level.

Original poster
confusedeffie · 27/12/2023 00:01

HappiestSleeping · 26/12/2023 23:29

I'm not sure I see anything controlling here. Just a mismatch of activity level and expectation, unless you're forcing them to join you, which it doesn't appear you do.

I'm tempted to ask why you feel the need to be doing something constantly? Is it a low boredom threshold, or are you keeping busy to avoid thinking about something?

Interesting questions. I think I get bored very quickly. I’d possibly get diagnosed with something like ADHD if I were a child now but I don’t know much about it. I know I sleep very well - 8 hours undisturbed usually so I suppose I don’t need downtime in the day. Compared to my friends, I know I’m the odd one out. We did Ibiza in the summer and they were all happy to laze around all day by the pool and on the beach and I went out and about on my own each day. Thinking about this is really helpful so thank you - I bit like therapy

OP posts:
Malarandras · 27/12/2023 00:02

Vaguely interested to know what you mean by ‘rebelled’ and it ended your marriage? Sounds like you’ve skimmed over a potentially important detail. Anyhow, it does not come across that you are particularly bothered by this upcoming split- maybe your boyfriend senses that?

Edit: So my daughter was just diagnosed with ADHD and there’s a bit more to it than getting bored easily. Thats a bit of an ignorant trope and one that I get a bit fed up seeing everywhere. FYI: ADHD can mean that it’s hard to concentrate but it can also mean being so focussed on a topic that is of interest to the person that everything else suffers. It is not just getting bored easily..

Aroundthewaygirl · 27/12/2023 00:16

Datingahhhhhhhh · 26/12/2023 22:55

@confusedeffie it sounds like you need constant entertaining and you aren’t content to just spend some quality time with your partners. Not saying you should be sat watching tele with them 7 days a week but sometimes it’s nice to have quality time together just doing nothing, cuddled on sofa etc. I would be exhausted being with someone who only wanted to be in my company when we were out doing something. Sounds like maybe you need to compromise a bit more or find someone who matches your energy?

This.

i had an ex exactly like you. I felt like he only wanted to spend time with me when we were actively doing things. I wanted more time doing nothing together. I felt like I never really got to know him because the minute I would get to his house we were out the door doing something. He also was the type that couldn’t sit still and had to be envying social activities constantly.

it was exhausting. And I became boring to him as I cut down doing all of the social things and eventually we split. He needed a partner just like you. 😊

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 00:24

Op, it's great that you lead a full active exciting zesful life...it's just that you probably will never be able to have a possible healthy long lasting relationship because you sound exhausting, controlling, unable to relax, unable to relinquish control, unable to genuinely compromise, you also seem to treat these men as if they were your child instead of a partner. You don't make them feel needed nor wanted. You don't require anything because you're happy and willing to handle things yourself.

Unless you are willing to change, and genuinely work towards true partnership and incorporating someone into your life....

It's best that you remain single.

Domestic life doesn't seem to suite you and seems to bore you.

You also seem to not know how to be in a relationship.

Sneaking off to a neighbors to have a jolly time while your partner is sleeping and your children are home but entertaining themselves because you find it boring to stay in the house and just "be" on Christmas, and it isn't what you wanted in the first place....is terrible and sends the wrong message to him and your children.

It sends the message that you'd rather not be bothered much with any of them, that they're not up to your standards...not good enough....

You've been sending this message to your children their entire lives by not really being much of an active parent.

You willingly worked until almost their bedtimes, came home, put them to bed, and was on the go again.

Yes their father was there, but they needed their mother to be more involved.

These men that you're having relationships with, you seem to not care much about and have a lackadaisical attitude towards...

Also, this recent ex...it seems like you wanted him to play the role of a child carer/ miner ...someone to be present with your children ...while you went on with doing what you want...as you're use to.

I can understand why they breakup with you, and you can as well. but I don't really feel like you care that they do.

Also, later in life or when the children leave home, don't be surprised if they dismiss you, hardly visit, or call, etc...

Original poster
confusedeffie · 27/12/2023 00:30

Malarandras · 27/12/2023 00:02

Vaguely interested to know what you mean by ‘rebelled’ and it ended your marriage? Sounds like you’ve skimmed over a potentially important detail. Anyhow, it does not come across that you are particularly bothered by this upcoming split- maybe your boyfriend senses that?

Edit: So my daughter was just diagnosed with ADHD and there’s a bit more to it than getting bored easily. Thats a bit of an ignorant trope and one that I get a bit fed up seeing everywhere. FYI: ADHD can mean that it’s hard to concentrate but it can also mean being so focussed on a topic that is of interest to the person that everything else suffers. It is not just getting bored easily..

Edited

Sorry about mentioning ADHD. I did say that I do not know much about it. Sometimes my teens joke that it’s like they are the adults and I behave like a hyperactive child. I just wanted to make it clear that I know my boyfriend’s behaviour is typical for adults and I am the one who behaves differently. I hope your daughter is doing okay.

OP posts:
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