Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Awful at relationships

43 replies

confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 19:28

I would love some advice please. Every relationship that I’ve had has ended because my partners have deemed me as too controlling.

I am fully aware that I have excessive energy. I need to be on the go constantly. I don’t enjoy relaxing. I am happy to work a lot, have lots of social time and I do all the cleaning and cooking. I don’t complain about this.

I’m 39. My first relationship worked quite well at first. We had children young and he enjoyed being at home with the children. I would settle the children for bed but would do a hobby most evenings out of the house. After about 10 years he wanted me at home more but he didn’t want to do anything but watch telly. This then caused arguments because I was so bored. Ultimately I rebelled and he ended it.

I stayed single for a couple of years. The children were now older and we could do things together in the evenings and then at the weekends they would go to their dad’s and I would have time with friends and hobbies.

In recent years, I have had a couple of serious relationships but all have ended with me being dumped for being too controlling.

This morning my boyfriend of nearly 2 years has said that he doesn’t think he can continue with our relationship. This came about due to him being fed up with me over- planning and that he just wants to chill at home together. We spent Christmas Day together - just us and my two children. It wasn’t what I wanted but it had been a compromise. Last night he fell asleep in front of the telly, my teens were entertaining themselves so I went round to the neighbours and had a jolly good time. This morning, I got up cleaned and cooked breakfast and when I woke him so he could get ready for our plans. He said he wasn’t going and that if I did, he would end the relationship. I went anyway and had a lovely time without him. I do love him dearly but I know we are at the end of the road.

Not really sure why I’m posting. Nothing awful ever happens with my break ups and the reason are always my fault. Just not sure if I should give up on relationships altogether.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedeffie · 27/12/2023 00:55

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 00:24

Op, it's great that you lead a full active exciting zesful life...it's just that you probably will never be able to have a possible healthy long lasting relationship because you sound exhausting, controlling, unable to relax, unable to relinquish control, unable to genuinely compromise, you also seem to treat these men as if they were your child instead of a partner. You don't make them feel needed nor wanted. You don't require anything because you're happy and willing to handle things yourself.

Unless you are willing to change, and genuinely work towards true partnership and incorporating someone into your life....

It's best that you remain single.

Domestic life doesn't seem to suite you and seems to bore you.

You also seem to not know how to be in a relationship.

Sneaking off to a neighbors to have a jolly time while your partner is sleeping and your children are home but entertaining themselves because you find it boring to stay in the house and just "be" on Christmas, and it isn't what you wanted in the first place....is terrible and sends the wrong message to him and your children.

It sends the message that you'd rather not be bothered much with any of them, that they're not up to your standards...not good enough....

You've been sending this message to your children their entire lives by not really being much of an active parent.

You willingly worked until almost their bedtimes, came home, put them to bed, and was on the go again.

Yes their father was there, but they needed their mother to be more involved.

These men that you're having relationships with, you seem to not care much about and have a lackadaisical attitude towards...

Also, this recent ex...it seems like you wanted him to play the role of a child carer/ miner ...someone to be present with your children ...while you went on with doing what you want...as you're use to.

I can understand why they breakup with you, and you can as well. but I don't really feel like you care that they do.

Also, later in life or when the children leave home, don't be surprised if they dismiss you, hardly visit, or call, etc...

I think a lot of what you say is true considering you don’t know me. However, I do have very good relationships with my children. I don’t think they’ve suffered as a result of my choices to partake in hobbies when they were in bed as little ones or when at their dad’s. A lot of that keeping busy includes them - I just don’t force them now that they have their own social lives. My eldest is now 19 and we do lots together. He has a similar personality and we have similar interests but is a night owl so rarely up before midday unless he has uni. He chose to go to local uni so he could stay home (to keep bills down and live off his mum 😂) He is my PT in the gym and we go to every home football game together. I don’t think that giving up your interests when you have children is healthy. I was fortunate because their dad liked to stay home. I wasn’t leaving them alone or neglecting their needs in any way - just to be clear. I do however think that I could have done more to stay with their father.

OP posts:

Amybelle88 · 27/12/2023 00:56

You are controlling because you're not a willing to compromise to your partners needs. It's your on the go way or nothing, and that's not a partnership.

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 01:20

Rereading this...It's best if you probably remain single.

You seem that you haven't much respect nor regards for anyone else but yourself. You seem to be determined to live your life as you see fit...when you see fit, regardless of the impact it has on any dynamic and relationship.... which would have been fine if you were a single person without any children.

You're just determined not to compromise, cooperate, nor conform to what you feel is a dreary existence and life. Seems like the more someone asks and pleads with you to be an active participant and "show up" in the relationship..you become combative and determined to show them you're not going to. It sounds like you're having fun playing these games "rebelling".

Your child wasn't joking. It was a cry for an actual mother, a female parent who is responsible, not an adult carrying on without much of a care..

Your poor children.

GreigeO · 27/12/2023 01:59

I think you come across as quite judgmental I just know he would have spent the morning staring at a screen of some kind instead of us spending quality time together and this could be what people are referring to when they say you are controlling.

It comes across as though you look down on people who enjoy spending downtime.

RantyAnty · 27/12/2023 02:06

Was one of your parents like this?

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/12/2023 05:38

He threatened to end the relationship if you went…?

THAT is controlling.

you’re well rid.

enjoy your life. If someone can’t keep up, and doesn’t appreciate your joy and energy, their loss.

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 05:50

I think sitting together and doing nothing is bonding. Not if that's all you do, but you don't seem to want to compromise.

I think it's fine if you want to do what you want, when you want it, but yes being single is the solution.

I do wonder why you struggle to have downtime though. I know you say you're high energy, but I also wonder if you are avoiding yourself at all. If you struggle to spend time alone with your thoughts and feelings and no distractions, than a constant need to be busy? Do you feel like your have deep relationships?

I ask because you don't seem to care your dp broke up with you even though you thought he was proposing. You seem like you have a pretty big barrier up.

Pigglycat · 27/12/2023 09:42

I'm not sure why so many people have had such an unpleasant go at you, OP, unless it's simply because you're different to them.

FWIW, I can't see that you've done anything wrong at all, as you've described it. You're an energetic person who likes to be doing things. It's just as valid as being a person who prefers to veg out in front of the television. It isn't weird. It seems to me that men who've liked you have tried to keep up and pretend to enjoy it in order to establish a relationship, but have eventually reached the point where they can't be bothered to pretend any more. That's their fault for having pretended in the first place, not yours for having just been yourself.

I hope you can settle into a comfy single existence with your children, and maybe try another relationship if you come across a more appropriate bloke. They do exist 👍

Csharpminor · 27/12/2023 10:24

I suspect that there is alot we dont know. If you are indeed being controlling it will understandably be very hard for you to see or admit how. Such is human nature. Relationships aside how happy are you?

Do you feel pressure to be busy or have a plan (for you children and partner)?
Do you subtly resent or drop hints if parter isn't doing as told or going according to one of many plans for them?
Often these ways of being are a chidhood strategy to feel valued or avoid anxiety about the unknown. Have you ever had therapy? How was your upbringing and are you the "responsible" child?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 10:40

You just need to stop having relationships with men who are not compatible with you. Try and find someone with your levels of energy and purpose, but accept that it might be hard to do so.

You do come across as extremely dismissive of anyone who likes non-active leisure time. You know there is nothing morally wrong with relaxing, or even 'looking at some screen or other', right? I suspect that what might be driving your partners away is not your desire to be constantly busy, but your barely concealed contempt for their to chill out.

Fiery30 · 27/12/2023 11:16

It is great that you have so much energy. However, do you spend any time with yourself? There has to be a balance between the going out and staying home aspects in any relationship. I agree with other posters that you might be happier and fulfilled being single. Friends with benefits might also suit. It might help to get an official diagnosis and also incorporate things like meditation or yoga as they can help centre you a little more and improve focus.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 11:31

confusedeffie · 26/12/2023 23:18

Agree - need someone to match my energy for the long run.

Show quote history

Or it may be that you are better suited to be alone.

I am not saying this on a bad way, but being so social, so active, so full of energy and getting along well with your children, you may be better off not being pulled back by someone with normal or high levels of energy.

The problem with being so active, pro active, social and independent is that if you find someone just like yourself, you both would be as committed to your own lives you will not spend much time together at all.

Someone more adaptable/flexible will get bored and fed up at prioritising you all the time.

The problem here, I think, is that you want someone active and flexible to join you in your interests and activities, but you don’t want or care about offering the same flexibility back.

lemonadecar · 27/12/2023 12:14

This sounds like me when I was younger. I had a male friend who in retrospect would have been a great partner. We were like adventurers, almost— very active. We’d go on long hikes or just set out in the morning to follow our noses on foot or on bikes. We slept all night in happy exhaustion. We never slobbed out in front of the tv, we didn’t even have one. We cooked and played music together. If we were bored we
might play something like chess. It wasn’t manic, we also read lots etc. It was great though.

I regularly take my children on unplanned long walks / encourage them to exert themselves etc. Having to really try to let them watch tv a bit over Christmas!! I’m happiest when my body is bone tired from exertion and I’ve spent the day exploring.

lemonadecar · 27/12/2023 12:15

I think with someone you’re deeply compatible with like I was with my friend you don’t feel this makes you miss out on a deep connection.

with my now boyfriend though I do mind when he always arranged social things but that is because I feel he isn’t connecting well with me, not well enough anyway, on a private level

Dogknowsbest · 27/12/2023 12:32

I have mixed feelings OP. I'm a bit like you in some ways but I've never been accused of being controlling. I don't find watching TV bonding either and would much rather go for a walk or do something.

In my general life, I have a timetable for everything so I can get the most out of my days (this is my habit as I have ADHD). I don't expect partners to do this, but do expect them to be active and help with chores.

I don't have a partner at the moment but I haven't given up hope. I just see it as a compatibility issue. I think a lot of men like the idea of a high energy woman until the reality hits.

Original poster

confusedeffie · 27/12/2023 13:01

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - I definitely need to work on myself.

I don’t really get the ‘poor children’ comments. Our relationships are great and they are wonderful children so not sure why people think they’ve suffered in any way.

People have wondered about my parents and yes they promoted a very active childhood which was full of creating amazing memories. I am sure they found it difficult to keep up with me. My brother and sister were much more laid back and would go along with what I wanted which has probably resulted in me getting my own way but not because I demanded it but more because they were easy going. As I result, I’ve grown up with people fitting in with my plans. I do feel that I am always happy to go along with other’s plans if they involve getting out and about. It’s the idea of chilling at home which I find difficult. I physically feel nauseous. My parents died young And I wonder if my feeling of not wanting to waste my life is something to do with this.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedeffie · 27/12/2023 13:13

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 05:50

I think sitting together and doing nothing is bonding. Not if that's all you do, but you don't seem to want to compromise.

I think it's fine if you want to do what you want, when you want it, but yes being single is the solution.

I ask because you don't seem to care your dp broke up with you even though you thought he was proposing. You seem like you have a pretty big barrier up.

Edited

Just wanted to respond to this - I always think I have deep relationships. I have a really high sex drive which I wasn’t going to mention but is kind of the elephant in the room. Men usually find this a turn on but soon enough it becomes a problem. When I am busy, I can keep my urges at bay but I do struggle in downtime. I don’t feel comfortable with being touched unless it leads to sex. I couldn’t just cuddle on the sofa without wanting sex and then it feels like I’m constantly pestering which makes me feel undesirable which I know isn’t the case but most people enjoy kissing and cuddling and can save themselves for later but I find it difficult.

OP posts:

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 13:34

Looking at your last paragraph OP, I wonder if this is something you would like to investigate further to see if it can be better controlled.

I am sure I have read plenty of women in here saying that they were put off from their exes and husbands as by accepting a hug they were assumed to be committed to have sex straight away even if they didn’t want to.

A man once told me he had left his previous relationship as he felt his ex was always trying to rape him. So it is not that an excessive libido is seen as a positive.

If you need to be exercising all day to control your sexual wants you may want to discuss this with a doctor. I suppose you might get heavily frustrated if you don’t get as much activity as you need to relax and that is not good for you or the people around you.

Flip

1 2