What would you do?

[Mogs43]

I am an only child of divorced parents. My much loved father had a stroke when I was a teenager so I looked after him and worked FT. I don’t have any family of my own. Unfortunately my father died three years ago.

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. In the past we have gone several years without speaking but recently have both tried. This year we agreed to have Christmas lunch together at a gorgeous hotel near where she lives. I also booked a room there for a few nights so I had somewhere to stay.

The lunch was lovely :staff and food really nice, champagne , music etc but I noticed Mum was very quiet. Thought she was just tired (she’s not old,67, but has been working hard as a teacher so assumed she was just tired).At the end of the meal the waiter went to get the bill and Mum popped to the loo. Unfortunately they made an error with the bill : initially charging over £700 but when I pointed out the mistake charged it to what it should have been (£450 ish). By the time this was resolved Mum had returned to the table. I paid the bill and then said to her we would need to work out the split later. When we got back to my room she exploded : said I had made her feel as though she was trying to ‘steal a meal’ and she stormed out/ went home without saying goodbye or opening any presents etc . She hasn’t answered any of my calls since and I’m just alone in the hotel.

I feel terrible. I didn’t mean to make her feel bad at all. I shouldn’t have said anything about the bill. I don’t know why I did. We normally pay half and half. I thought my tone was okay but perhaps it wasn’t as I was a bit flustered by the bill being wrong? I feel awful. Cried myself to sleep. Which I know is pathetic.,I just feel so alone. Really miss my Dad. Things were never like this between us. He loved me unconditionally: but things are just always so difficult between my Mum and I: no matter how hard we try it just doesn’t work.

I don’t know what to do. She won’t answer my calls. Perhaps I should just leave it and go home early? What to do with all the gifts ? Throw them away? It’s so depressing .WWYD?

From your description the difficulties are very unlikely to be about you as a person, or anything you have done, and more likely a projection onto you, either of your mum's relationship with your father or possibly her feelings about herself or her parenting? It sounds like she was off from the start and the bill was the excuse. I would try to depersonalise this as much as you can, it doesn't make the loss of the relationship or her actions any less hurtful, but might reduce your guilt. You sound like a lovely person who has really tried and there is no shame now in focusing on building a found family rather than maintaining a hurtful relationship.

said I had made her feel as though

OK, so, you open a yoghurt, and I say you made me feel like I had 6 heads.

Are you in the wrong?

I have three friends who are teachers or retired teachers, one from school and two from Uni. They are all reluctant to pay their share of the bill in a restaurant!.

Over the years they have tried a few tricks such as disappearing to the toilet, going outside to smoke, even suddenly feeling unwell and having to leave early, forgetting purse with debit card, haggling over the price etc.

It's a horrible practice that I've only ever seen being performed by those in that profession.

Is it possible she thought you were treating her to the meal out and she blew up because she was expected to pay half?

This would neither explain nor excuse her response, in any case.

Don't for one minute put any of this on yourself; Who (let alone a parent) buggers off to the toilet when a bill is due and then when they do come back doesn't offer to pay their share ? Especially when it's so a large amount of money .

Rude.

You go enjoy yourself, she's a fool for acting this way.

My mother and sister are same but different to yours, they love to bring misery, I found me being happy is something they hate so hey ho!

BTW leaving without paying says alot about her

She sounds like a horrible person

My heart goes out to you. I feel so desperately sad for you. If any of my kids treated me or had an issue with the bill I would try to help.

As PP said it’s not your fault, love. Please try not to take it to heart how your Mum reacted. Try and focus on the people around you who can support you.

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.“ Although we commonly use it to suggest the strength of family ties, it doesn't refer to family at all.

Please look after yourself and leave your mother to feel what she intends to feel. You’re not responsible for her or her perceptions of you and your meal out xx

Thank you so much for your replies- they were very helpful.

I went out with my friend which was nice. On my return to the hotel I called my mum (I know I shouldn’t have and need to learn). She answered and suggested that she comes over on Thursday (before I leave) to have breakfast and open presents. She still wasn’t especially friendly or warm but hopefully will have thawed a bit by then. I can’t bare all the hostility : just want a quiet and happy life but am not sure we’ll ever manage that between us: no matter how hard either of us tries.I think if I had other family I probably would go nc but very hard when you are so alone and oh the guilt….

Thanks again.

Please look up FOG. The Fear, Obligation and Fear that a child of a narcissistic parent feels. I also recommend therapy if you can.

In what way do you think your mum is trying to maintain the peace? It sounds like you're trying hard, and when she gets upset, you try to calm the situation down. What does she do to make things better, when it goes wrong? Does she try to understand different reasons for your actions than her first interpretation? Does she quell her anger in order to express her feelings calmly? Does she deal well with you when you fly off the handle, or offer to give you both time to calm down rather than rush into a hurtful exchange?

And what is it that you feel you do wrong? Are you shouty? Stubborn? Singleminded? Accusatory? Uppity? Selfish? Violent? Dismissive?

Break down for us what she does to make these situations better, and what you do to make them worse.

Festive wishes to you @Mogs43 - you should read this by @Pinkbonbon who has some wise words about how abusers ruin Christmas. There is a similarly with your mother. I hope you can find inner peace and switch off your self-blame tap. It's been on an open fawcett for too long x

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4969721-a-yearly-reminder-that-abusers-ruin-holidays