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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do?

36 replies

Mogs43 · 26/12/2023 12:58

I am an only child of divorced parents. My much loved father had a stroke when I was a teenager so I looked after him and worked FT. I don’t have any family of my own. Unfortunately my father died three years ago.

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. In the past we have gone several years without speaking but recently have both tried. This year we agreed to have Christmas lunch together at a gorgeous hotel near where she lives. I also booked a room there for a few nights so I had somewhere to stay.

The lunch was lovely :staff and food really nice, champagne , music etc but I noticed Mum was very quiet. Thought she was just tired (she’s not old,67, but has been working hard as a teacher so assumed she was just tired).At the end of the meal the waiter went to get the bill and Mum popped to the loo. Unfortunately they made an error with the bill : initially charging over £700 but when I pointed out the mistake charged it to what it should have been (£450 ish). By the time this was resolved Mum had returned to the table. I paid the bill and then said to her we would need to work out the split later. When we got back to my room she exploded : said I had made her feel as though she was trying to ‘steal a meal’ and she stormed out/ went home without saying goodbye or opening any presents etc . She hasn’t answered any of my calls since and I’m just alone in the hotel.

I feel terrible. I didn’t mean to make her feel bad at all. I shouldn’t have said anything about the bill. I don’t know why I did. We normally pay half and half. I thought my tone was okay but perhaps it wasn’t as I was a bit flustered by the bill being wrong? I feel awful. Cried myself to sleep. Which I know is pathetic.,I just feel so alone. Really miss my Dad. Things were never like this between us. He loved me unconditionally: but things are just always so difficult between my Mum and I: no matter how hard we try it just doesn’t work.

I don’t know what to do. She won’t answer my calls. Perhaps I should just leave it and go home early? What to do with all the gifts ? Throw them away? It’s so depressing .WWYD?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/12/2023 13:04

When we got back to my room she exploded : said I had made her feel as though she was trying to ‘steal a meal’ and she stormed out/ went home without saying goodbye or opening any presents etc

OK, caveat here that I'm a cynical old gimmer but why would she leap to that conclusion unless that was exactly what she intended by going to the loo before the bill came? most people - reasonable people, that is - when told 'we need to work out the split' wouldn't fly off the handle like that.

And BTW, you don't 'make her feel' anything. Her feelings and reactions are her's to deal with.

Get you over the the Well, We Took You To Stately Homes thread. It sounds like there's a lot of help they can give you.

TurquoiseTurtoise · 26/12/2023 13:10

Did you explain to her about the mistake on the bill?

Did you not talk about splitting and how to split beforehand?

If you usually charge on two cards at the table, why did you not wait for her to come back before paying?

If it was me I would drive to her house and try to talk and patch things up - or leave the presents there with a handwrtiiten note

Yes, she sounds immature and she is the unreasonable here but take the high ground - if you want to work on your relationship, be the mature one

Of course there is a lot of backstory in your case that we don’t know about but if you didn’t mean to hurt her there is nothing to feel bad about, chalk it down to miscommunication with a difficult person

Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:14

So your mum arrived back at the table before the bill was paid? Why didn't you then say "Shall we split it mum"?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/12/2023 13:15

It doesn't sound as if OP's DM gave her time to say anything.

ComorosPearl · 26/12/2023 13:21

I think there's something more she hasn't mentioned to you. She's upset about something else, surely?

WhatDogDidNext · 26/12/2023 13:23

You only said you would need to work out the split later. She completely over reacted. I think it was awful of her to leave and now ignore you when you’ve made the effort to see her.

If you can’t enjoy the hotel, just go home. Don’t chase her, she’s the one in the wrong. She sounds immature and messed up, this isn’t joe adults behave.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/12/2023 13:26

So your mum arrived back at the table before the bill was paid? Why didn't you then say "Shall we split it mum"?

From the OP's opening post

By the time this was resolved Mum had returned to the table. I paid the bill and then said to her we would need to work out the split later

We normally pay half and half presumably when they usually go out.

WhatDogDidNext · 26/12/2023 13:26

*how

category12 · 26/12/2023 13:27

Did she get out of paying her share through this drama?

sorrynotathome · 26/12/2023 13:32

As @WhatDogDidNext says, this is not how adults behave. Although at £225 for lunch, she may have been in shock.

Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:32

It sounds like the confusion over the bill was resolved as the waiter brought a new bill over and at this stage the mother was already back. So the OP paid while her mother was present. Then when they got to the room she told her mum they would have to split it. Maybe her mum was confused and thought she had been treating her

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/12/2023 13:34

Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:32

It sounds like the confusion over the bill was resolved as the waiter brought a new bill over and at this stage the mother was already back. So the OP paid while her mother was present. Then when they got to the room she told her mum they would have to split it. Maybe her mum was confused and thought she had been treating her

OP has said they normally split bills.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2023 13:44

You mean no matter how hard YOU try, it just doesn't work.

Think on on that.
What has she actually done to show she is a kind, compassionate, caring mother?
How does she bend to resolve issues between you when they arise?

Are these 'misunderstandings' common? Are the often on holidays, special occasions or times where you are really busy or stressed with things that, well, aren't all about her?

And when these things happen, is it usually you sat there wondering what you've done wrong...even though it's HER who has behaved appallingly?

Because its sounds like you may be a child of a narcissistic parent. Someone who actually, doesn't want things to go well between you. Because she's a headwrecking arsehole.

She behaved appallingly. Stop blaming yourself. No kissing her arse this time.

Children of narcissistic abuse are unfortunately, conditioned to look inwards for the problem. It must be especially hard not to want to fix things too, given she's your only family. But this time, stop chasing. Because it's what she wants: your Christmas to be fully focussed on worrying about her, her, her.

You may benefit from the 'stately homes' threads on here.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/12/2023 13:48

And when these things happen, is it usually you sat there wondering what you've done wrong...even though it's HER who has behaved appallingly?

100%. I notice, OP, that you immediately went into blaming yourself and asking if you should run after her and if your tone was wrong. I get the feeling that you've been trained over the years to accept that you're the one who's always in the wrong and that you have to beg forgiveness - which is why I recommended the stately homes thread.

Uricon2 · 26/12/2023 14:15

After making a 450 mile journey by rail the day before to visit my mother, I found her eating lunch in the kitchen and ignoring me. She eventually said that she'd asked me something and thought I'd deliberately ignored her (didn't bloody hear her, I was 3 rooms away)

My main regret with my mother is how long it took me to stop placating and appeasing her poor and often frankly batshit behaviour. Please stop blaming yourself OP, I know it is very hard after decades of training but you owe itself to yourself to try. I hope you can find something to do to make the rest of Christmas enjoyable, for yourself.

Original poster
Mogs43 · 26/12/2023 15:32

Thank you for responding. I am grateful.

We knew it would be expensive before we had the meal so I don’t think it was that. She hasn’t paid me but as she was shouting I told her I wasn’t worried about the money so wouldn’t expect her to.

i feel as though we just can’t communicate / even over basic things. She gets on with everyone else: it’s just me. I had no intention of upsetting her / I wanted us to have a nice time together but it just seems impossible.. I have called her many times today / thought I’d try and drop the gifts round to her but she’s not picking up. So mustn’t want to speak/still cross. I don’t want a scene. It’s so upsetting : I have a knot in my stomach and keep crying. Without her I’ll simply have no family.

An old school friend has invited me out for dinner tonight. Am not sure about going as I’m not great company /she’s got a brilliant family / had a lovely Christmas etc and I may just feel like a freak. It all feels ridiculous/ pathetic.

it so sad. I don’t know what I do that triggers my Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mogs43 · 26/12/2023 15:43

Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:14

So your mum arrived back at the table before the bill was paid? Why didn't you then say "Shall we split it mum"?

i did sort of wait/hesitated but my mum started putting her coat on: imagine she presumed I had paid whilst she had been to the loo.

The waiter was stood by the table with the card machine so I paid. I did try to explain to Mum about what had happened with the bill but I’m not sure she heard/understood.

I should have handled it all differently but didn’t. I had hoped that after my Dad died that I would make new relationships. I have made one or two but not if the type you would spend Christmas with. I know I probably need to toughen up and spend future years travelling or volunteering. I know many do it : just sad that I do t have any close family now. Thank you for your help and support.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 26/12/2023 15:48

Missing the point perhaps, but was lunch for two people £450?

Original poster
Mogs43 · 26/12/2023 16:03

HerMammy · 26/12/2023 15:48

Missing the point perhaps, but was lunch for two people £450?

Yes :£180 each plus drinks (I had water) and a hefty service charge. It is a lovely hotel and we knew the price beforehand. Thought it would be a treat at a difficult time . We can both afford it : only the two of us so don’t have to buy presents etc for lots of other people.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 26/12/2023 16:07

Mogs43 · 26/12/2023 15:32

Thank you for responding. I am grateful.

We knew it would be expensive before we had the meal so I don’t think it was that. She hasn’t paid me but as she was shouting I told her I wasn’t worried about the money so wouldn’t expect her to.

i feel as though we just can’t communicate / even over basic things. She gets on with everyone else: it’s just me. I had no intention of upsetting her / I wanted us to have a nice time together but it just seems impossible.. I have called her many times today / thought I’d try and drop the gifts round to her but she’s not picking up. So mustn’t want to speak/still cross. I don’t want a scene. It’s so upsetting : I have a knot in my stomach and keep crying. Without her I’ll simply have no family.

An old school friend has invited me out for dinner tonight. Am not sure about going as I’m not great company /she’s got a brilliant family / had a lovely Christmas etc and I may just feel like a freak. It all feels ridiculous/ pathetic.

it so sad. I don’t know what I do that triggers my Mum.

It is not you triggering her, it is her triggering her. I still have absolutely not the faintest idea why my mother decided to stop speaking to me entirely when my first husband was diagnosed with the cancer that killed him, we had been fine 2 days before. It was however the last straw for me, not that she ever tried to make peace.

She is blanking you now because she knows it will make you miserable and ruin your Christmas and she doesn't care. It is cruel behaviour but in her mind, there will I'm sure be a thousand justifications that make her Perfect Sainted Mother and you Demon Offspring. There is no reasoning with this mindset because it is innately unreasonably.

Buck the trend, don't let the ruined Christmas happen. Meet your friend tonight, do your best to have a great time and be assured that if you are a "freak" (you're not) there are a lot of us around. You've got a friend who wants to spend part of Boxing Day with you, that means something.

Original poster
Mogs43 · 26/12/2023 16:15

Uricon2 · 26/12/2023 16:07

It is not you triggering her, it is her triggering her. I still have absolutely not the faintest idea why my mother decided to stop speaking to me entirely when my first husband was diagnosed with the cancer that killed him, we had been fine 2 days before. It was however the last straw for me, not that she ever tried to make peace.

She is blanking you now because she knows it will make you miserable and ruin your Christmas and she doesn't care. It is cruel behaviour but in her mind, there will I'm sure be a thousand justifications that make her Perfect Sainted Mother and you Demon Offspring. There is no reasoning with this mindset because it is innately unreasonably.

Buck the trend, don't let the ruined Christmas happen. Meet your friend tonight, do your best to have a great time and be assured that if you are a "freak" (you're not) there are a lot of us around. You've got a friend who wants to spend part of Boxing Day with you, that means something.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you. I’m sorry to read about your experience. Awful.

it’s hard because I do want it to work and there have been some good times but far outweighed by the bad/ feeling worried about what might happen. I don’t like to think of her alone and unhappy whilst I go out with a friend but she isn’t answering my calls.

when we didn’t speak for a couple of years we were both actually fine. I suppose it’s the guilt /other peoples comments that make you feel like you need to try. She is a good person, has made mistakes (but haven’t we all?) . I do love her and want her to be happy. But we just can’t seem to get on no matter how hard I try and I don’t think it’s fair on either of us to keep plugging away at it. I don’t want to make her miserable.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 26/12/2023 16:28

For what it's worth I honestly don't think she'll be unhappy at all Mogs and if she is, it is a situation she's created. Do you think she's upset? If she were, she'd have responded to your attempts to contact her. I imagine she's stoking the fires of her righteous fury and will be in touch when she feels like it.

I honestly do get how painful it is and it is true that a lot of people with parents on the normal continuum don't understand it. In the end I would respond to the plaintive wails of "But you've only got one Mum!" with "Thank God". It took half a century to get to that point and yes, mine could be wonderful and yes, I did love her. In the end though, it is not enough.

Sorry to keep responding but your experience (and I'm so sorry you've had it) really rang a chord with me. Please try to look after yourself, because you matter too.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2023 16:35

She's making herself miserable.

Stop stressing about her and cut yourself some slack. Stop blaming yourself or looking for ways to blame yourself for her bad behaviour.

She's a fully grown woman and she threw a tantrum for no reason. Now she's blanking you like a child throwing a strop.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow but she's only doing this to make your Christmas miserable.

Go take a nice bath and eat some chocolate sand then get all dolled up and go see your friend for a nice meal and a few drinks.

Compartmentalise the mama drama for now. Put a pin in it for another day.

People shouldn't get to behave appallingly and ruin the holidays.

You deserve a nice Christmas. So be kind to yourself.

Catoo · 26/12/2023 16:48

Please go out and have a nice time with your friend. If your mum is on her own, that is her choice.

In my opinion she didn’t want to pay her share of the bill. And her tantrum made you desperate enough to say not to bother with the bill in the end. Her ignoring you is spiteful, and is all part of the pretence that you have in some way offended her. Which you haven’t. This level of gaslighting is designed to make you so confused and desperate for ‘forgiveness’ that you never raise the issue of the payment again.

You can’t win with these types of people who believe they hold all the power. Take the power pack. Stop desperately trying to get in touch. Or one last text saying the ball is now in her court.

Enjoy the evening with people who care about you and want your company.
💐

Kittensat36 · 26/12/2023 16:52

You don't like thinking about her on her own, but she clearly has no issues with you being on your own, does she?

Swipe left for the next trending thread