Inlaws ruined daughter’s first Christmas

[BonheursTrousers]

My inlaws have ruined another Christmas. We planned a long time ago to spend Christmas at our own house. I’ve had recent surgery, my daughter who hasn’t been well this year is comfortable at home and can play with her toys and my inlaws aren’t nice to me and I’ve endured more than enough Christmases with them and it’s not even at their house but another family member’s. It isn’t a child safe house, there will be untrained dogs so it would be a nightmare of having to hold a wiggly baby and not let them down, everyone gets wasted and we wouldn’t be drinking and oh, we just don’t want to.

They first were angry about this, but we held firm about celebrating it at home. (Mil wanted us to celebrate on another day, don’t know why she couldn’t!).

They then demanded we come to theirs Christmas Eve, but the same reason we were celebrating at home, because I’ve had surgery and need to avoid car travel unless necessary (like hospital appointments) was still the case (and DH was prepping Christmas dinner). Instead we offered for them to come to our house Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve DH received a long nasty message about how his mother was crying because we weren’t coming to theirs and she wanted our daughter at her house. This then turned into airing of mil’s grievances via FIL that she hasn’t been allowed to be a granny like her friends, and have our daughter to babysit or care for, or hasn’t been given free access to visit when they want.

There is a reason for this. She has been absolutely awful over the years. Like a poster recently, she told me that my two other pregnancies that ended in miscarriage were “just cells”, “a heavy period” and that it “happened for a reason”. (I was hospitalised for the second, needed surgery and was very sick for months afterwards).

She (and a little FIL) were such bullys during our engagement party planning we had to cancel it.

A previous Christmas we went away for a destination Christmas, and mil made such a fuss that her sister went to my DH to try and get us to cancel as it was upsetting his mother.

When I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and extremely sick and weren’t announcing in case we lost another baby, she complained that she couldn’t announce the pregnancy, I was weird, and that we were ruining the pregnancy for her by not being allowed to enjoy the pregnancy but telling her friends.

they ruined the post partum period by constant visits. I was very sick with an infection that landed me in and out of hospital and a sick baby, but the family insisted on coming separately instead of one visit seeing everyone together(, his mother, father, granny and sibling, aunts and uncles etc), so we would have constant stream of visitors and they would still complain they didn’t see her enough. This didn’t end until a health visitor who witness all this told them to leave and then told DH off as it was impacting my and the baby’s health and well-being. The constant pressure and drama gave me post partum anxiety.

I know I have a DH issue. He loves them but doesn’t like them, and is sad they are awful), but he’s now finally on board as he is SO angry that they ruined our first Christmas as a family.

How do we/he handle this from here? Her first birthday is in 3 weeks and I don’t want them to ruin another first. They have zero respect for us as autonomous adults that are leading our own lives and family now.

I mean they sound like idiots but how did they ruin your daughters first Christmas? Did they even come?

All sounds too complicated but no you can't blame them for ruining anything that is your choice to feel

Almost sounds like you allowed them to ruin it. They are bullies and you (including DH) need to stand up to them with clear boundaries and expectations and what behaviour will be tolerated. Keep the message simple and consistent and eventually they should wind these behaviours in.

The health visitor appears to have known exactly who should be doing this. About time he advocated his wife and child rather than making excuses for his family.

Your MIL sounds like a self obsessed controlling narcissist who hi thinks the world revolves around her. Your DH really needs to step up and tell her enough is enough

Make plans furious DD’s birthday and stick to them. Just get DH to keep saying no to them when they make demands.

Can you tell them a lot fewer of your plans? Unless they live next door can you stop communicating so much?
Be firmer when you need them to leave, they will huff and puff which you need to ignore. Practice together what you are going to say and if necessary their responses so you are well prepared.
For her birthday invite them for tea and cake, then say it’s time for little one’s bath and bed, lovely to see you, must meet up soon, here’s your coat, bye bye.
Have a different celebration with friends that’s more relaxed.
Start as you mean to go on otherwise you are looking at decades of abuse. They are not worrying about your feelings for a single second, so stop worrying about theirs.

If you really don’t want contact with her you need to stop letting her reactions impact your life. You weren’t going, you told her no, that’s the end of it. You need to find a way to put it out of your mind and mustn’t let it ruin your day. The headspace you’re giving it all is just still pandering to her.

Dh is completely no contact with all of his family. After a while you just stop giving a shit about it all - 5 years in now. The difficulty is if your dh still wants to see yours - he can see them alone surely?

Oh what is up with Mumsnet these days with all this "you choose your feel the way you do"! I mean, hey, just think happy thoughts, unicorns and sparkly fairies and you'll feel amazing. It's victim blaming in the extreme.

That doesn't mean there's nothing you can do to change things though. But it will be hard. And your DH has to do it.

There should be zero tolerance for any disrespectful behaviour to you. ZERO. There's no "But he's sad" excuses. Your DH has allowed them to psychologically/verbally punch you, even when you were ill and pregnant - and pregnant and ill. I'm sure he'd not allow them to physically punch you ever, never mind if you're more vulnerable. This is crucial because otherwise your DD is going to grow up seeing her mother denigrated by her family. If he won't do it for you, he needs to do it for her future mental health. She's part of you and everything she watches/hears about you will impact how she feels about herself. Unlike you, she will grow up with it damaging her self-concept, rather than be upset/angry as an adult.

You need to be ready for fallout because with people like this it's absolutely guaranteed. That means guilt tripping, tears, speaking badly about you to other people as well as to your face. Exactly as she's already basically done, but it'll possibly be worse.

You and DH need to come to agreement on all of this plus what you find acceptable. Then either he stands up to them and draws lines in the sand and then stands by them, policing them. Or you don't tell them directly, but DH implements them RIGIDLY.

If he refuses to do any of this, then you simply refuse to see his parents. He can visit them, but you don't go to theirs and they are not welcome in your home. And stick to it. It means you'll miss out on some family events but from what you've said, what that actually means is significantly less stress.

*"you choose to feel the way you do"

Luckily your baby is too young to have her birthday ruined. I would go no contact with these people for your own sake though.

To those saying it was “my choice to feel”, yes I totally get that.

However I struggle for it not to let intrude on my happiness. It causes my partner a lot of stress interacting with them and impacts his mood which then impacts everyone else. Mil stokes up drama by playing the victim loudly which then impacts all of his other family relationships because they try to get involved, only hearing her ‘victim’ side of the story and DH is too polite to ever set them straight about what she is actually like.

I find it extremely stressful. I’m very bad with conflict and confrontation and I’ve always been the girlfriend parents love, so I know it’s not me it’s them.

@Easipeelerie yes she definitely won’t have a clue. But I was so looking forward to it as her parent, especially after two losses, she was a miracle that we are extremely lucky to have.

@daretodenim thank you, you get the situation exactly. It is extremely difficult to maintain emotional distance when your parents/inlaws are being unreasonable and stropping like toddlers and drawing other family members into their grievances. It is very isolating.

But as you said my daughter is old enough to be affected by the moods it causes in my partner which create an atmosphere in our home.

I’m going to have to make him have some rigid boundaries with them going forward. So hard though. And awful situation all round. Wish they were vaguely normal.

I’m sorry, how did they ruin Xmas? With the text Xmas eve ? They didn’t come and yoh didn’t see them, but that text ruined Xmas for you? Is that what you’re saying? How wa your daughter’s first Xmas ruined?

Not clear on how they ruined Christmas, but they do sound awful. I hope you manage to put some distance and boundaries between you and them

I don't understand. Your post is not clear at all.

Where did you spend Christmas then?

We spent it on our own. What was stressful was his father deciding via text to air all mil’s (mostly) laundry list of grievances against us on Christmas Eve. Which then upset my DH and put him in a mood. My daughter probably didn’t notice much, but her first Christmas was something I hoped to enjoy after two previous losses and an incredibly awful pregnancy, birth and post partum period. I probably didn’t write the op clearly enough, it spoiled my/our enjoyment of her first Christmas.

apologies I have dyscalculia and not a very strong writer.

OP you're going to have to learn that just because you put down a boundary - that doesn't mean that people aren't going to have a temper tantrum about it, or be abusive about it.

All a boundary is - is you doing the thing you say you are going to do. Like taking a screaming toddler up to bed. You can send a toddler to bed, doesn't mean they're going to go nicely.

The boundary is there for you, but what's the point in having it if you can't move on with your day. You may as well have gone to their house.

You're going to need to cultivate an eye roll - oh just ignore them type attitude.

But a good way of putting people in their place is to now tell them off. Your behaviour was ridiculous yesterday we are absolutely not prepared to put up with it etc etc. Your DH needs to go round and have a very firm direct conversation. In time things will change but you're in the thick of it now. You can't force him to go NC, but he is going to have to realise he's the adult now and he needs to shape the family he wants for his wife and child.

@Workway that’s really really helpful advice. You have articulated it really nicely I’ll use your words to discuss with DH later today.

BonheursTrousers

Have no further contact with these abusive inlaws. Do not let them ruin any more occasions; they have ruined enough special days and have done more than enough harm already. Your DH may well want to continue to have a relationship with his parents (due to FOG) but it does not follow that you and in turn your child have to. You are an adult with agency and your child is relying on your good judgment going forward. It will do her no favours at all to see you people get further denigrated by his parents.

People like the OPs MIL and her enabler/secondary abuser in the shape of FIL do not like boundaries and will likely ignore any that OP cares to set them. Her DHs inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as the OP and their child.
He needs therapy re his parents like yesterday frankly because he is mired in fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons both parents installed in him. I would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

It is not your fault nor your DHs that they are the ways they are. You did not make them that way. Grieve too for the relationship you should have had with them rather than the one you actually got.

Re Workway's comment

"Your DH needs to go round and have a very firm direct conversation. In time things will change but you're in the thick of it now. You can't force him to go NC, but he is going to have to realise he's the adult now and he needs to shape the family he wants for his wife and child".

I agree with this but when it comes to dysfunctional families like these inlaws who are being described the "rule book" goes out the window. These people work to their own rules with the goalposts constantly moving.

He indeed does need to go round and have a direct conversation with them; the problem is that currently at least he is not prepared, let alone strong enough mentally to do this and will likely come off a lot worse from any confrontation. He has had a lifetime of his parents conditioning and he has likely been taught not to upset mother at any costs by both his parents and if he does the sky will fall in. These types of toxic parents do an awful lot of damage, not just to their now adult children, but to their families as well.

Indeed you cannot force him to go NC but it does not follow that you have to see these people at all. They are an extremely poor example of grandparents for your child too and your child needs emotionally healthy role models in her life. Therapy will help your DH but he has to want to put the hard work in, not just for himself but for you people as his family also. He could start by reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W Brown.

Your inlaws will not change; these types of people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You can yourself only change how you react to them.

Your MIL sounds very performative in her Grandmother role. All of this for her to brag to her friendship group that she's Granny of the year. She must be deeply insecure amongst her peer group. Sad really but not your problem.

I think you just have to leave your DH manage his family's expections around your actual life plans going forward op. I wouldn't want to even see another text let alone welcome them in my home again. He needs to manage it alone, and not bother you with her drama.

Sorry you're getting picked apart a bit here. Of course receiving a bunch of shitty texts on Christmas eve after an exhausting battle to just have the Christmas you wanted is going to ruin your memories of your daughters first Christmas.

Its going to put you in a crappy mood, possibly cause tension between you and DH, make you upset that people randomly judge and dislike you and put a cloud over the whole bloody day.

So make this the first Christmas you put your foot down.

Hope you have a good recovery and try to enjoy the rest of the festive season.

They sound awful.

They don’t ruin your Christmas. Your husbands choice to not put it to the side ruined Christmas he could have no engaged. Blocked them for a few hours

Or decided he would work through the emotion of it after Christmas. If your Christmas wasn’t a happy one it’s because he decided his mood would the focus of it.

Your in laws are manipulative bullies and are doing everything in their power to make you conform to their wishes. They have proved this over and over again even when you have been at your most vulnerable and any boundaries you put forth will be trampled on regardless.
They don't care about how their behaviour, words affect you and yours because they are toxic.
I personally would tell them they are so vile that my family won’t be celebrating any occasion with them and go NC and protect your child from their clutches. Your DH can choose whether he sees them or not but he will have to keep what goes on in the visits to himself as it will be bringing their toxicity in.
You don’t need to explain why you have gone NC to them, unreasonable people won’t accept any explanations and just twist them until you feel so bad you buckle so just go your own way as their words, behaviour will affect your child and your relationship in the future.