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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inlaws ruined daughter’s first Christmas

64 replies

BonheursTrousers · 26/12/2023 08:25

My inlaws have ruined another Christmas. We planned a long time ago to spend Christmas at our own house. I’ve had recent surgery, my daughter who hasn’t been well this year is comfortable at home and can play with her toys and my inlaws aren’t nice to me and I’ve endured more than enough Christmases with them and it’s not even at their house but another family member’s. It isn’t a child safe house, there will be untrained dogs so it would be a nightmare of having to hold a wiggly baby and not let them down, everyone gets wasted and we wouldn’t be drinking and oh, we just don’t want to.

They first were angry about this, but we held firm about celebrating it at home. (Mil wanted us to celebrate on another day, don’t know why she couldn’t!).

They then demanded we come to theirs Christmas Eve, but the same reason we were celebrating at home, because I’ve had surgery and need to avoid car travel unless necessary (like hospital appointments) was still the case (and DH was prepping Christmas dinner). Instead we offered for them to come to our house Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve DH received a long nasty message about how his mother was crying because we weren’t coming to theirs and she wanted our daughter at her house. This then turned into airing of mil’s grievances via FIL that she hasn’t been allowed to be a granny like her friends, and have our daughter to babysit or care for, or hasn’t been given free access to visit when they want.

There is a reason for this. She has been absolutely awful over the years. Like a poster recently, she told me that my two other pregnancies that ended in miscarriage were “just cells”, “a heavy period” and that it “happened for a reason”. (I was hospitalised for the second, needed surgery and was very sick for months afterwards).

She (and a little FIL) were such bullys during our engagement party planning we had to cancel it.

A previous Christmas we went away for a destination Christmas, and mil made such a fuss that her sister went to my DH to try and get us to cancel as it was upsetting his mother.

When I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and extremely sick and weren’t announcing in case we lost another baby, she complained that she couldn’t announce the pregnancy, I was weird, and that we were ruining the pregnancy for her by not being allowed to enjoy the pregnancy but telling her friends.

they ruined the post partum period by constant visits. I was very sick with an infection that landed me in and out of hospital and a sick baby, but the family insisted on coming separately instead of one visit seeing everyone together(, his mother, father, granny and sibling, aunts and uncles etc), so we would have constant stream of visitors and they would still complain they didn’t see her enough. This didn’t end until a health visitor who witness all this told them to leave and then told DH off as it was impacting my and the baby’s health and well-being. The constant pressure and drama gave me post partum anxiety.

I know I have a DH issue. He loves them but doesn’t like them, and is sad they are awful), but he’s now finally on board as he is SO angry that they ruined our first Christmas as a family.

How do we/he handle this from here? Her first birthday is in 3 weeks and I don’t want them to ruin another first. They have zero respect for us as autonomous adults that are leading our own lives and family now.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 26/12/2023 13:02

spitefulandbadgrammar · 26/12/2023 10:48

Stop communicating with them. Not necessarily no contact, but all communication goes through DH – it’s his problem family and he who has failed to set boundaries with them when you were unable to due to sickness. He stops telling you when they’re weeping/complaining/stropping/complaining to other people, so you no longer need to know about it. Take yourself off any group chats, mute MIL and FIL phone numbers, don’t take their calls, leave texts unread.

For your daughter’s birthday, make the plan according to what you’d like to do. DH invites them, and the only acceptable answer from them is “yes, we’d love to come” or “no, we can’t make it”. Any drama or changes of plans or “oh but we want it at our house, can we bring the dogs, I want to make the first cake”, all of that nonsense? You won’t hear about it, because it’ll go through DH, and he won’t tell you about it. All he has to do is patiently repeat the invitation, and say “No, that doesn’t work for us, the invitation is [whatever you plan], would you like to come?”

Either they’ll be a no show (sounds like a fucking win tbh), or they’ll show up on time and behave (unlikely), or they’ll cause a fucking stink (late, bring the dogs, MIL crying, snide remarks about how weird you are, whatever), in which case you smile and ignore, spit in MIL’s slice of cake, turn them away if they bring dogs, go ahead with the planned timings even if they’re late – not your fault or issue if they miss the present opening/candle blowing/turn up during naptime and want to wake DD – that last one is an absolute no.

And then afterwards if they cause a stink, you can debrief with DH that they’re simply not invited to big occasions any more. Fuck em.

Actually I've changed my mind. This ^ is the way to go.

Pumpkinpie1 · 26/12/2023 13:08

OP People/InLaws can only spoil things if you give them that power.
Thats what’s happening here . Your MIL and FIL are fighting for the power to control you and your family
You sound like a strong lady who has fought to overcome hardships and now you have a beautiful child. It’s up to you to protect your child and family and not allow this special time to be spoilt.

Your husband needs to realise his loyalty is to you and his child. As a father he needs to step up and stop his parents cruel games.
Hopefully he will man up and put in place healthy boundaries. If he doesn’t he risks losing you and his child, because you deserve to be loved and appreciated not abused

TheSandgroper · 26/12/2023 14:04

I haven’t read the full thread but you have some good answers.

However, can I just say that there is nothing wrong with a good silence. Just because she or anyone messages you doesn’t mean you have to answer. Just don’t.

If you care to answer when she says “I want …” you can just say “ How about that” or even better “Umm”. Umm can be very useful. Then say goodbye and hang up.

But never, ever doubt the power of a good silence.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 14:37

A few pieces of advice / thoughts on this

  1. It may not feel like it but it is great news this has come to a head now. It means you can actually address it and you have the catalyst to implement change rather than limp on in limbo.
  1. Strike while the iron is hot. Your DH is motivated and onboard right now. Get your DH into therapy NOW and possibly yourself (either separately) or joint. Research someone who can help him with actual strategies and tools to manage his parents.
  1. Honestly I got all worked up about my DDs first Xmas she was 9m... Her second has actually been much nicer and more memorable. It's hard but try not to get hung up on it being "the first". The magic Def comes as they get older. Seeing her this year I am now really looking forward to year 3 where she will really "get" Christmas.... You need to think long term and get your DH on the same page and prioritizong YOUR family unit
RachelGreeneGreep · 26/12/2023 14:45

OP, you have my sympathy.

I saw a member of my extended family put up with vicious crap from in-laws. They stopped all contact after something that was way too far over the line. It's easier said than done, I know that.

Stop blaming yourself about your writing style, there's nothing whatsoever wrong with it. Not many people like conflict, although there are some, like your in-laws who seem to thrive on it. So again, don't blame yourself for not wanting conflict.

At a guess, your husband needs to unlearn what he grew up with and therapy might be useful for him.

Enjoy your time with your little one, and your husband. And leave that lot to their dramas, as much as possible.

Original poster
BonheursTrousers · 26/12/2023 15:08

Thanks so much for everyone’s supportive messages. We have decided to cancel her birthday party, we just were using a local accessible venue’s pop up soft play near us so won’t lose the deposit as we know the owner and it’s still weeks away, someone else will take our space.

Feel a million times lighter. We will just have a chill day at home instead. Another poster was right it’s a very British thing to just put up with rudeness without saying anything. Not a trait I’ll lose anytime soon but I’ll start working on it.

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 15:12

That's a good plan...

We just got a cake and a few sandwich platter and invited a few baby pals over.

It was really low key and chilled and we all had a relaxed and nice time.

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/12/2023 15:42

The silver lining to all this is that your DH is finally prepared to back you up, hopefully. Cancelling the birthday activity sounds like the best thing to do - just have a small gathering of people you actually like.

Dinkydoo17 · 26/12/2023 16:12

Firstly I'm sorry you're experiencing this shit. There's a few options you could think about. Have you considered family mediation? A mediator provides a safe and controlled space where everyone gets a say and an agreement is hopefully reached and put in writing for all parties. It's a bit of a line in the sand. Then when she is next a cow you refer to said document. It gives you a bit of control tbh. If you think that's a none starter, ask DH if he could simply reduce his interactions with them. It's 'feeding the beast'. She can rant and rage all she wants and it is perfectly acceptable for him to take his time in replying - a few days if he likes. Again he is not adding fuel to the drama and when she finds she's shouting in to an 'empty room' she eventually won't bother so much. Or maybe he could write them a letter. "Your behaviours make us feel xxxx and we are not going to accept xxxx etc etc". Lay some ground rules down, and it's imperative you stick to them. Any of these is worth a try. If all fails consider, move very far away from her. Good luck OP

Cornishclio · 26/12/2023 16:46

People like this will continually try to push boundary limits so unfortunately whether or not you like confrontation initially you will need to push back. Practice responses to their constant requests. They want you to take your DD to theirs? No, she is more comfortable at home. Don't look for compromises- that is up to them to find something you are happy with. Your DH should be the one to deal with them but as he seems to get very stressed if they contact him with requests/complaints he may need support. Low key events from now on under your terms.

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 16:52

spitefulandbadgrammar · 26/12/2023 10:48

Stop communicating with them. Not necessarily no contact, but all communication goes through DH – it’s his problem family and he who has failed to set boundaries with them when you were unable to due to sickness. He stops telling you when they’re weeping/complaining/stropping/complaining to other people, so you no longer need to know about it. Take yourself off any group chats, mute MIL and FIL phone numbers, don’t take their calls, leave texts unread.

For your daughter’s birthday, make the plan according to what you’d like to do. DH invites them, and the only acceptable answer from them is “yes, we’d love to come” or “no, we can’t make it”. Any drama or changes of plans or “oh but we want it at our house, can we bring the dogs, I want to make the first cake”, all of that nonsense? You won’t hear about it, because it’ll go through DH, and he won’t tell you about it. All he has to do is patiently repeat the invitation, and say “No, that doesn’t work for us, the invitation is [whatever you plan], would you like to come?”

Either they’ll be a no show (sounds like a fucking win tbh), or they’ll show up on time and behave (unlikely), or they’ll cause a fucking stink (late, bring the dogs, MIL crying, snide remarks about how weird you are, whatever), in which case you smile and ignore, spit in MIL’s slice of cake, turn them away if they bring dogs, go ahead with the planned timings even if they’re late – not your fault or issue if they miss the present opening/candle blowing/turn up during naptime and want to wake DD – that last one is an absolute no.

And then afterwards if they cause a stink, you can debrief with DH that they’re simply not invited to big occasions any more. Fuck em.

Fucking this. Spot on.

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2023 17:01

Move far, far away.

zaazaazoo · 26/12/2023 18:23

Just tell them the reason MIL doesn't get to be like other granny's is because she doesn't act like other granny's and if she wants to have more involvement then she needs to take a good hard look at herself and shape up.

She who rocks the cradle rules. You are in the power position now.

BuernBuern · 26/12/2023 19:13

Sounds like your husband might benefit from therapy to help him make sense of his relationship with his parents and it might help him to learn how to set better boundaries.

You might benefit too, it sounds like you've had a truly horrendous few years. I hope 2024 is kinder.

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