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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often does your partner see friends?

34 replies

ifiwasyou · 25/12/2023 23:13

I feel like I may be being totally unreasonable here or I could be so used to a certain behaviour that I don't realise it's wrong.

My partner is always out. He will come home from work at 6 and be gone by 7 4 out of 5 days. Weekends he usually spends home but not always. He says he's going to see his friend who I know briefly. He will sometimes FaceTime me when he's there and he is where he says he is at those times.

Today, we have spent the day at families houses and we came home at 8 and he said he was popping to see his friend. I wasn't happy but he said he was only going to be an hour not a long visit. Off he went. We have 3 kids who I put to bed and I sat down waiting for a nice chilled evening together. It's gone 11 and he's not home. He's FaceTimed me and he's outside his friends house but on his own. He's there watching a film now apparently with his friend and his girlfriend. While I'm here on my own.

I just feel so gutted. How can it be so important to see his friend tonight. I've come to bed as he obviously isn't going to be home any time soon and I'm so upset.

Am I being precious? I know people will think he's having an affair and believe me I've thought the same but most of the time he's genuinely with his friend. Would you be upset?

OP posts:
aboutbloodytime123 · 25/12/2023 23:34

Just a quick handhold - yes I would be upset too OP. Especially as he left you to do 3 kids bedtime alone on Christmas day. He might have been feeling like he needed a break after family visits - don't know how many you did or how full on they were - but that sounds like something he should have discussed with you when you were both making the plans in the first place. And also that break could just as easily be curling up with you.

LusaBatoosa · 25/12/2023 23:35

You must know that this isn’t normal, so not going to respond to that bit.

  • How are you reacting to all this?
  • When do you get to see your friends?
  • When does he see his kids and parent?
APassionFruitMartini · 25/12/2023 23:44

Literally pretty much never, which is also not good and the other extreme. Wish he had more of a social life.

But that’s a lot of time! Is there something going on with the friend where he needs this much attention?

Original poster
ifiwasyou · 25/12/2023 23:44

I do know it's not normal deep down. I think some how over the years I've just tried to tell myself I'm overreacting.

On weekends is when we spend most time together as a family but we have spent more time the past week.

I totally get him needing a break but it's just really disheartening. I put the kids to bed most nights alone so I'm used to that. I just don't think I can live like this any more.

I just wanted a normal family if there's such a thing. We're in our early 30s so I don't expect him to spend every waking moment here but I do expect a level of unity which we just don't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifiwasyou · 25/12/2023 23:46

@APassionFruitMartini well we have had countless rows over it. I've asked why he needs to see his friend so much. For a few weeks it will be full on and then for a few weeks it's non existent. It's almost midnight and he's still not home. I'm just gutted

OP posts:
Milkinthetray · 25/12/2023 23:54

This was one of the reasons why my marriage ended. I just never felt like my ex wanted to spend time with me. It felt like he always wanted to spend time with everyone else and not me.

Have you spoken to him to tell him how it makes you feel? Instead of going in with the accusatory, tell your DP you understand he wants to see your friends but it also leaves you feeling unloved and unwanted.

What's his parent's relationship like? My ex grew up in a home where his dad left his mum to fuck off to the pub every night. He had no example of a couple spending time together. So that pattern was repeated in our marriage.

Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 00:02

@Milkinthetray I totally relate to that. I have tried that approach but he doesnt understand at all. He has said that his mental health is struggling so I have tried to give him a pass because I don't want to also be on his back. But if I'm having a bad day and I tell him there is no empathy or emotion at all.

His parent's relationship was not great at all. His dad was a serial cheat who was physically and mentally abusive to the whole family. He does not know what a "normal" or general family dynamic is like.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2023 00:03

Is he having an affair with the friend? Seems a bit intense and Brokeback Mountainy if that's where he really is.

Does the girlfriend of this man really want your bloke hanging round most evenings?

Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 00:17

@category12 definitely not but I have thought that was the only thing that would explain it. I have no idea, a lot of the time she isn't there and they go out but I don't always know what they are doing or have done.

He's just come home and called me to open the back gate lock and his phone was set to no caller Id. Now I'm in bed crying haha. Maybe I am not mad after all.

OP posts:
MistyBean · 26/12/2023 00:25

Hi OP. Just wanted to say I'm sure you deserve so much better than this. What he is doing is just not ok, and this is coming from someone who is pretty laid back about relationships (support;mixed gender friendships; holidays without partners etc). I hope you can be strong enough to lead a change in your life x

Smooshface · 26/12/2023 00:39

Weird, why was it set to no caller id?

And doesn't matter what is normal, if it is making you unhappy you don't have to put up with it. I hated when my ex would pull this kind of crap, it grinds you down.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 01:00

You know this isn’t normal behaviour. Why is he watching movies with another couple and not his own partner?

I’ve always been someone who think couples need their lives and friends but this is absolutely extreme. It’s no way to live. He should want to spend most of his free time with you not his friend.

Starryskies1 · 26/12/2023 08:15

My thoughts went to is something going on
eith the friend or his girlfriend. Your relationship isn’t equal. It sounds like you haven’t discussed how you feel. It’s about time he realised how you feel.

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 08:32

I think he's compartmentalizing his life. I think a more logical thing to do would have been to invite the friend and gf to your house in the evening if he wanted to see him. Please be careful, he may try and make you think you're being needy or unreasonable. You're not.

FedUpMumof10YO · 26/12/2023 08:38

'No caller ID?'

What was his explanation?

EdithGrantham · 26/12/2023 08:46

Sounds like a group of my DHs friends who all get together every single night to smoke weed, most of them have never had a serious relationship and the one who was married is now divorced

Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 16:47

@EdithGrantham yes a lot of his friends smoke it so that is definitely a possibility. He's there again now. I've asked him to be home for kids bedtime and he's agreed so..

OP posts:
SamW98 · 26/12/2023 16:58

So he’s spent most of Christmas with another couple rather than you and his children? Fuck that - that’s totally unreasonable behaviour. Sorry OP but he’s a selfish prick and you need to put your foot down.

Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 17:01

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 16:58

So he’s spent most of Christmas with another couple rather than you and his children? Fuck that - that’s totally unreasonable behaviour. Sorry OP but he’s a selfish prick and you need to put your foot down.

Pretty much. Well this evening he's at his friends mums house 🤯

Sometimes I feel like family life just isn't for him. He struggles with stress so it's all on me all of the time. He works hard but sometimes it's just not enough

OP posts:
Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 17:02

FedUpMumof10YO · 26/12/2023 08:38

'No caller ID?'

What was his explanation?

No explanation. He said he had no idea why it was like that. Showed me his phone that had caller Id on so I didn't get very far with that one

OP posts:
Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 17:04

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 08:32

I think he's compartmentalizing his life. I think a more logical thing to do would have been to invite the friend and gf to your house in the evening if he wanted to see him. Please be careful, he may try and make you think you're being needy or unreasonable. You're not.

I would do this but he very much likes to keep it separate. I've seen his friend a few times but it's in no way a double date kind of friendship. His friend has never been to our house. Only a couple of his closest friends even know where we live!

OP posts:
Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 17:06

Smooshface · 26/12/2023 00:39

Weird, why was it set to no caller id?

And doesn't matter what is normal, if it is making you unhappy you don't have to put up with it. I hated when my ex would pull this kind of crap, it grinds you down.

Absolutely agree and I was thinking this today. If it's making me feel down then I think I need to do something regardless of whether other couples live like this but it does seem that most couples spend their evenings together for the most part which is what I would also like 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
ifiwasyou · 26/12/2023 17:07

Thank you everyone for your replies, I think in the new year I will tell him I can't live like this any longer. I have spoken to him about it numerous times and it never changes

OP posts:
PurpleOrchid42 · 26/12/2023 17:17

I'm just going to level with you... I think he's having an affair, and only FaceTimes from his friend's house on the odd occasion he actually goes there, just to trick you into thinking he's not lying.

Zanatdy · 26/12/2023 17:26

The no caller ID is suspicious, but regardless this is no kind of family life and I would rather be a single parent than with someone like him who clearly doesn’t want to be part of your family life

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