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Relationships

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Original poster

Why are my boundaries so shit with men I like?

37 replies

Whyamilikethis41 · 25/12/2023 23:03

So I wouldn't say I have low self esteem, I have an average level of confidence.
If I am seeing someone and I'm not fussed on them and they start messing me about or being flaky, inconsistent etc, then I am able to either block them or just never contact them again. As I never had feelings for them.

However if it's someone I really fancy and/or have a connection with, it's like my bar suddenly goes to just above ground level and I will put up with utter BS just because I like them and don't want to stop seeing them. I will give them third and sometimes fourth chances, I will make excuses for their cancelling of dates or going off the radar for days.
What the hell is wrong with me? I know the right thing to do and the thing I would be advising a friend is to bin them off, block , ignore , end it etc.
However I can't seem to do this and so my boundaries with men that I like are pretty dire.
I don't consider myself to have low self esteem and I'm also not desperate, if I don't fancy someone after a couple of dates , then I will tell them in a nice way, I won't keep seeing them just to have someone.
Also if a friend messed me about , I wouldn't tolerate it. Can someone please explain why I let men I like treat me in a sub standard way?

OP posts:

Ladylacklustre · 25/12/2023 23:18

Interested in the replies as I think I am similar. I read a book that described a feeling of ‘longing’ for someone that feels quite all consuming and It rang a bell with me. The author relates it to attachment theory - so when we long for someone and let them treat us badly it is because we are trying to replay a childhood experience in some way and ‘fix it’. E.g if your dad didn’t express emotions well you might be attracted to similar men and always seek to ‘fix’ that issue.

I might not be explaining that very well!

Original poster

Whyamilikethis41 · 25/12/2023 23:27

@Ladylacklustre glad I'm not the only one like this. That's an interesting theory. I think I just get attached to the person , whether it be their potential or if I'm physically attracted to them or if I just really like them and all common sense and dignity goes out the window.
I don't want to not have them there and so even though they are showing me that I am not a priority through their actions, I will still stick around for way longer than I should.

OP posts:

Superdupersomeone · 25/12/2023 23:40

I am the same op and agree with PP on the attachment theory stuff. I know what you mean about how different it can be depending on how much you like them too.

I have an anxious attachment style and can get feelings real quick, sadly often for avoidant men. Anxious/avoidant pairings are really common. I think it can be rooted in childhood and we're subconsciously seeking similar relationships to the past even if we don't realise it. Perhaps to fix them, perhaps just because it feels familiar or we don't know anything different.

Also for me it is linked to self esteem, and the idea that if I can win him over and make him like me then I am worthy afterall. A battle when he's avoidant and/or being an arsehole. Not the way to go.

Also often that chemistry/spark I'm finding is actually my anxiety being triggered or my gut telling me something. Can realise it a bit too late, though I am learning to be wary of intense chemistry now.

Ladylacklustre · 25/12/2023 23:54

@Superdupersomeone i can relate to the self-esteem bit too. Looking back at my relationship with my ex h and my most recent ex dp both of them told me, either directly or indirectly, in the early days of the relationship that they were ‘bad at commitment’ but I was convinced they just hadn’t met the right person and that I was that person who they would want to commit to, or to change for. I felt such a strong connection to them, particularly my most recent ex, that I couldn’t stand to think of being apart from them and deliberately ignored red flags so as to keep the relationships going. My self esteem is good in other parts of my life but terrible in relationships when it is someone I like.

My marriage lasted 12 years and ended amicably but it was up and down in the early years and looking back I never should have gone ahead and married him, but I was sure he would ‘change’. He was a good, kind person but immature and still hasn’t really grown up. My more recent relationship lasted 6 years and I knew from the beginning he had been unfaithful in other relationships but somehow managed to ignore that and believe it would be different with me, which of course it wasn’t.

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 02:28

OP
im very similar
in fact I have insomnia tonight (Xmas stress ) and im angrily fretting about the last guy I was with
im angry that i let it go on for as long as it did

anyway I’m now at the stage I don’t trust myself to date

no wise words from me today
but I hear you

Original poster

Whyamilikethis41 · 26/12/2023 07:45

I tend to fall for people very quickly, like within a few weeks and I get way too ahead of myself and start projecting into the future. I don't show them this and I don't act overly keen but in my head I am. It also can take me a while to get over someone I liked as well.
I always see on Mumsnet, if someone is complaining about a guy they are seeing and how they are being treated, the advice is always, get rid , block etc. But what about if you really like the person and there are feelings there, is it really that easy for everyone else to just block and ignore? I wish it was black and white, however my heart overrules my head every time.
For example, the latest guy I was seeing has been cold and distant and unreliable but I know if he texts and wants to meet up then I will as I just want to see him again. My friend said I'm crazy if I arrange to meet him again and why would I want to see him again. She doesn't get it.

OP posts:

Psychoticbreak · 26/12/2023 07:57

I was with a clinical psychologist recently for adhd testing and I was explaining to her that I am still in love with my ex even though he has not treated me great and she told me I am not in love with him it is a thing called rejection sensitive dysphoria which i googled and it makes perfect sense. I still cant stop emailing him despite him making his feelings very clear but it is like I want him ro want me again, need him to want me again. Its a hard emotion or feeling.

rickyrickygrimes · 26/12/2023 07:59

What was your relationship with your dad like? What did your parents teach you about relationships?

Psychoticbreak · 26/12/2023 08:00

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Symptoms & Treatment (clevelandclinic.org)

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Symptoms & Treatment

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is when you experience overwhelming emotional pain when faced with failure or rejection. It’s very common with ADHD and is treatable.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd#Outlook%20/%20Prognosis

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 11:43

Whyamilikethis41

well if it’s any consolation I had a fella like this and it only ended when he ended it !

so despite him turning me nuts it took him saying ‘im in a bad way , I’m treating people badly , I need to fix this ‘ for it to end as he walked away

doesnt at some stage the misery override the pleasure ?

Lemonfoxtrot · 26/12/2023 11:49

I think it’s partly due to ‘scarcity’ - which is the same as going shopping for a must have item.

Decent guys who you have a connection with are few and far between ( it seems). So if someone seems great at first, you want to hold on to them- even if they aren’t right for you.

and then comes the sunk costs fallacy- if you’ve hit it off with someone, you’ve likely invested some time and effort into the relationship, so you’re less likely to want to ditch it

biscuit97 · 26/12/2023 15:06

Self preservation instinct against reproductive instinct.

We all experience this with various degrees of intensity. If you fancy someone your reproductive instinct is going to go off and repeal many of your self preservation attitudes.

You will experience this as lowering boundaries.

Some men will sense this and try to take advantage of this temporary opportunity. These are usually the players who are only interested in short term relationships or ONS.

EmpressSoleil · 26/12/2023 15:25

I think I'm a lot like this. I find it really hard to connect with a man in the first place so on the rare occasion I do, I then fall for them very quickly and put up with all kinds of shit behaviour. I also don't think I have low self esteem. It's not something I suffer with in any other area of life. I don't believe I "deserve" bad treatment.

But I do wonder if I really even understand what (romantic) love is. I've never really fallen in love. Either I'm not that keen in the first place and lose more interest the longer it goes on. Or (on rare occasions) I meet someone and feel from day one "this is it". (Which it always isn't!).

Personally I'm not doing it any more. The last big one that ended nearly broke me. And at my age I'm not interested in going into any kind of therapy to try and "fix" it.

Original poster

Whyamilikethis41 · 26/12/2023 15:43

@EmpressSoleil you sound so similar to me. I don't fall very often for people either as I'm quite fussy, but when I do, I fall hard and quickly and it consumes me, they are on my mind 24/7.
So when they start messing me about, I let them as i would rather any sort of contact than just not having them there and them potentially dating other people.
I'm in my 40s so feel I should know better, I also have 2 children and don't want more so it's definitely not a biological clock thing.
I think it's my fear of not finding that connection again with someone new. Whatever it is, I wish I wasn't like that and could just be ruthless and cast away anyone who is so far off meeting any basic standards that I have

OP posts:

Humbugss · 26/12/2023 15:52

Think about it like this.

The time you are spending on giving these second / third / fourth chances on dates could be taking away from chances to meet your future husband (or partner if you don’t want to get married 😊)

They are effectively stealing time from you where you could be spending that time with someone respectful.

Make it your new year’s resolution, two strikes and you’re out.

Humbugss · 26/12/2023 15:53

(one strike ok as gives benefit of doubt for instance if your intuition tells you reason for cancelling is genuine )