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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A yearly reminder that abusers ruin holidays.

51 replies

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2023 22:16

Just incase anyone is having 'yet another miserable Christmas' because your partner has done or said something that's upset you and this seems to be a pattern for them during the holiday season, or on any holiday or special occasion - a reminder that abusive people like to ruin Christmas.

If you're sat there crying because you have worked your arse off for Christmas and he's obviously totally ungrateful. And you know that tomorrow, you'll wake up to a crappy gift (if any) from him for the umpteenth year running...ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest if your life this miserable bastard?

If you're worried, because the family are coming tomorrow and he might drink too much and start an argument with them or with you, infront of them.

Or perhaps you think the day is going to be filled with snide little comments and general put downs. And him just being a joy sucker all through Christmas.

Or perhaps he's already put a damper on the day by creating some drama and doesn't give a flying fig that you're upset. Or worse, accuses you of overreacting or being too sensitive.

If this shit is familiar too you

This is your wakeup call

It's not normal. You don't need this person in your life. Your feelings, are valid.

You deserve a merry Christmas. But you'll never have one again if you keep people like this around.

And be aware, I use 'him' but just as many abusers are women.

Feel free to post your stories of the experiences you had with abusers during the holiday below to help show people currently going through it, how it can be spotted.

The good news is that many people finally see these sorts for who they really are at this time of year and use it as an insentive to get free.

All the best to those of you leaving abusers this year and to those of you have already made the journey.

Merry christmas everyone!

OP posts:

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 00:25

Toucan1981 · 25/12/2023 22:33

Yep, my ex ruined this whole week because i refused to take my little one away with him to a remote place after we have been rowing, broken up and he then refused to sort xmas out at all and access arrangementd to my little girl. Just stormed off and left. Then he refused to take my calls all week so i could finalise plans, be at peace and we could be amicable. He then returned and bombarded me with texts demanding to see my little one and upsets me and my elderly parents who are seeing me upset every day. He called me xx f-ing, nasty, cxxnt and kepts bombarding me, until i gave in and spent my xmas day in tears so he could be with my daughter all day and was her first xmas too. It upset my parents who had got her lovely little gifts and looked after her for the last five days with me after he upped and left.

I posted on here months ago when pregnant and many of you warned me then. My partner would pick me up after drinking and lie about it but worse it was after i had completed a 13 hr day and commuted back for 2hrs (train strikes went on for months). I am a teacher and my job was really far for 6 months lf my pregnancy. He would knock off early in the day go drinking as we moved tep mins from his office so he had a 2 min commute! I moved because rents were cheaper. Anyway, he would also go out two to three times a week and leave me in out new flat alone and i would get up at 5.30am each day and do it all pver again. I was at breaking point with it all by the time my little one came and he promised to change but he didn't. He left me on day 3 with his mother and her partner all day. I was in pain from the stitches and had not figured out breast feeding. I was ok with them being there for a a few hours but it was all day in the end 11am to 7pm. They live 90 mins away. I didn't know them that well. My partner promised to be there but then left all day and said he had work but saif he would come back and get us lunch. He didn't and then called his mum but not me. At this stage i had not eaten. They did not offer to get me lunch and i didn't know what was going on. I was leaking and to he crude was smelly and needed a wash. Finally, he came bacl but when he did at 5pm he bought a stranger, a mate who he invited over into my bedroom and i had my boob hanging out. No one at this stage offered me a cuppa, any food and i was deep down feeling pretty crappy and worried about feeding. I was also humuliated. He let them all stay longer, for two hours more and then his mum said bye and he said he was off too for dinner down the road with his mate. I couldn't believe it and thought his mum was going to say something to him, suggest to stay in and get us dinner. She didn't and laughed and said, "ok, sweety.." all day they were in touch and messaging and he did not let me know the plan. They all left and I felt relieved but sad. My partner then sent me pictures of his food and drinks. I had aksed him to stay in with us and questioned why they could not get a take away. His mate had met him before it turbnd out for beers before he came up to the flat too so my partner was not even working as he said all day.

Behaviour like this got worse. Many visits his mum came and knew about it but she started to snap at me and tell me.i knew what he was like and tell me chilsren mean things can't go plan. She told.me i should have thought about it all before my little.girl was born. This os coming from a lady who had a child at 17 and 19 and the father went to prison. She remarried and then the step dad absued her two boys physically and emotionally. She would snap at me on visits until one day i snapped back as i was still working from home. My school got me to write reports and i got paid well and needed the money. One of her visits was on a day i planned a lovely surprise with photos of them all kn special albums, balloons and a cake. I had juggled all this whilst writing reports, looking after my little girl etc and put lots of thoght into it. I asked if she could let me know whay day and time she was coming but she never ever sent me a message and only let my partner know. I explained this to her and still nothing changed. She only messged him. He would.not tell me. One of the days, day of the birthday surprise she came and would not wait 30 mins whilst i finished decorating and barged in my flat and the living room and totally spoilt the surprise.

Eventually my partner went out more and on day 4 even of my daughter forst week went to football for a day of drinking and the match. I had hardly had time to do any shopping and begged him to stay in but he wouldn't. He went and got legless. Left me all day again. Eventually, my parents came and helped but they were reluctant as they wanted me.to have special time with my partner and baby. They knew i was struggling though. Every week his mum would cme but i never knew which day, a thursdsy or friday and what time. When she came we had to entertain and there was no offer of help to do anything and it wad always a 8 hr day. Eventually it was ok as my baby got older and we would go out but it was tiring. I made.reference to my partners antics and how much he was out and she snapped at me saying he worked hard. She was super sweet of.i was nice and agreed with her lots. She got got involved in our affairs and blamed me for a visit i had to cancel as my partner had gone out for a fancy lunch and football one week and becasue of this i asked my parents bacl. They didn't want her to visit as they felt awkward by now and my dad was angry with what he saw as a total lacl of care nut he tried to help my partner be a better dad.

One my weekend he went on a bender again. At this stage it was every week. Multiple times a week and i was.fed up. I had also caught him twice asleep with my baby on the sofa and he had been drinking. She was so small and this caused me.huge anxiety. He would refuse to put her in the cot and fell asleep sp she could tumbke off the sofa or bed. He would take one to one and half hour baths each morning and wake us all at 5am. He would leave my little one on the bed sometimes, the edge and i would wake after a deep sleep and find her there and him in the bath. I called his mum asking her where he was one weekend and she really had a go, saying i had locked him out of his own Home and i explained i did not want him coming in drunk anymore, especially as it was 1am and my baby was 7 weels old or younger. She really got at me. She also said she had rung him one day and admitted to making it worse between us because she thought i cancelled a visit to be nasty.

I found the visits ok but tricky and i started to feel.more uncomfortable as time went on. She would start to moan about my partner's brother's ex too and say she wad awful and had been after hie money. She had my partner's brother living with her until he was 38 and she took over care his son and acted more like a mom than grandma. My partners brother visited and would also get drunk and get my partner in a state too, paraletically.drunk when my little girls was 3 or 4 weeks old, which was not helpful at the time at all. He was overbaring and told my dad he paid too much maintenance and his ex was awful. It all sounded so complicated and sad. Not happy. His mum would visit and always be sad about stuff. I made effort and started to feel sorry for her and warmed to her and paid to visit them a number of times. When we did visit i wad told i had to go pub to pub and they could not come to us even though i found a nice pub. Paid for it etc . Eventually they did come to us but i wad told i was being difficult. It wad super hot and she wad still so tiny at 5 weeks and had colic. I always made an effort but i did not want her in the car aftwr we had driven 2 hrs anyway and i kmew my partner would be tempted to drink and drive. His brother does and his mum does not care. She laughs at this all and treats them like kids.

There were countless examples of all of this and it got worse and worse and my partner would sulk at me, get nasty if i did not drag my daughter to places. When we did go he would spend the weekend drinking and watching football. I Started to fight back and complain. He would.call me crazy and i started to lose confidence and got down. He made out to his mum i had post natal depression and she seemed to make out i was anxous and over reacting to him. She made it worse as always seemed to condone his behaviour and i found myself becoming quite quiey and apologising to her. She would say that is ok, it is all forgotten but i had not done anything. I started avoiding her visits and seeing friends. I knew i would snap. One of her comments was that i was too head strong and she felt my partner and i clash. She said i needed to sell ideas to him by making out these were his own ideas. I explained this wad impossible when it was abouy safety and not drink driving, or making sure my daughters car seat was fitted properly. He drove off once on a trip to see her and visit his family in local area with no seatbelt arpund her car seat and her in the fron seat and the air bag not removed.

He started to do silly things, more than booze, on nights out and made me feel abd if i chose to go home or not attend. He would sulk at me if i forgot his sugar in his tea and shout till i cried. I wrnt back to work after she was 7 months and he promised to look after my duaghyer for a few days bit he took her to a pub and fell backwards off a chair eith her and returned her to me late at 8pm and it was cold. I wad going undet. If i said something he shouted at me. He called me at work and demanded i just come there and then and watch my daughter as he couldn't even though i had made him promise to stay ay home and work from home. He ignored it and took her out and left her on a floor with a huge bike by her head and it wad not secure. She was crying and looked so sad. It could have fallen on her. I took her back to work with me. It was constant and i am ashamed i had not been stronger. But i was not feeling good. He told me i was crazy. I was wrong. Anxious.

I started to believe it. Eventually i walked away. I snapped. I messged his mum and alsed her for help, to talk to him and said we had left him. But she cried and rang him and said she was too upset. In the end i snapped snd said exactly whst i thought and how she had upset me many times. I said i felt her son was controlling and it was not funn and his past had affected him and was impacting us now too. I said a lot but i felt so low and angry.

Now i feel guilt. Finally. I have had the courage to end it and i am having counselling. But i worry i have ruined her relationship with her extended family. My partner has agrred to get help. He said he did have a tricky childhood and sees he might be contolling and selfish and needs to change. I regret ever involvong her and i feel stupid. I thought she might have talked some sense into him sooner.

Has been worse xmas ever but i am now getting help and will prioritise my gorgeous girl.

I read nearly all of that but honestly you won’t like this but neither did you seem
fit to have the baby.
O can’t believe ou left the baby with a drink when he had clearly shown you he wasn’t capable .
You have also handed your baby over today is the baby back or away over night ?

What I have just read is beyond madness. .
You feel guilty about the toxic family ffs.
You have left be safe with the baby at your Parents . Is that where you live ?
Block the wate of space and his family and let hiM take you to court.

Someone needs to step up and put that child first

TooBigForMyBoots · 26/12/2023 00:36

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DrCoconut · 26/12/2023 00:39

I remember too many ruined christmases. My ex definitely liked to spoil anything that could be nice or fun and especially if it involved other people. The first Christmas after I left him was heaven - I could put the tree up, afford gifts for DS, eat, drink and invite guests without him making a huge fuss or kicking off. It's been 24 years next year and I still relish my freedom to go out and not have to account for every minute and penny. I think every Christmas about those for who it will be a living hell trapped at home with their abuser over a fairly prolonged holiday. If its you it maybe seems impossible now but you can get away and rebuild a better life.

thatwassociopathic · 26/12/2023 10:03

True to form, even from a distance ex has managed to swoop in from afar on text and threaten to sell dd's shit and kill himself because she couldn't face seeing him beachside if bad memories of Christmases he ruined in the past. Sooner she goes NC the better. Just need my other dc to realize he's an utter knob and we could all be rid 😡 Hope everyone had a peaceful time, ours was actually amazing otherwise.

thatwassociopathic · 26/12/2023 10:04

Because not beachside

thatwassociopathic · 26/12/2023 10:10

@Toucan1981 I hope you find the strength to stay away, he is AWFUL. And forget his family for now, the only two things you need to concentrate on is yourself and dad, you can worry about the rest when you are strong. You've already done the hard bit, keep going!!! I'm in awe of you, it took me 13 years to leave and it's caused my children so much harm. You're super Mum being so brave x

thatwassociopathic · 26/12/2023 10:11

Not dad!!! Dd!! Worst typo ever!

TiramisuTastesDreamy · 26/12/2023 14:39

Thank you for this thread. I needed to read this as someone who has had far too many Christmasses ruined by husband, and am sitting her in the quiet aftermath of another. Each year I think it will be different . Why ?? He is an abuser, nasty emotional and verbal cruelty and he’s not going to change. But I can. 2024 will be a new beginning for me . Wishing you all lots of luck.

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 14:49

Imagine your abuser is a bottomless, fiery, volcano. Every kind gesture, gift, thoughtful act, or child you offer is simply thrown to its destruction in the volcano’s maw. This is especially for the hapless poster who has continually given in to her drunk/abusive ex and his family. You can not stop the volcano by throwing the baby in run for your life and don’t look back.

caringcarer · 26/12/2023 14:52

Such wise words from @Pinkbonbon. No one deserves to walk around their own home on egg shells terrified for the next put down or outburst from their partner. They would be so much happier without them.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 26/12/2023 15:01

Jumping on to say this is my second Christmas free of my selfish, manipulative arsehole of a mother leeching off my hard work while constantly criticising and belittling me and it has been BLISS! Most mothers build you up but there are some who tear you down.

For anyone reading who feels trapped in the same dynamic and like they can’t avoid it because “You only get one mum” remember you are a free adult and if they can’t treat you with basic decency, you don’t owe them anything.

SerafinasGoose · 26/12/2023 15:16

I'd also add that it isn't just intimate partners who do this.

My in-laws (now NC) rarely saw us during the year, and until I had DC some years after meeting DH, they barely knew me at all. We had our own lives and neither they nor I took priority in each other's - and this was fine. But the days immediately following Christmas (we never spent the actual day with them) presented the ideal opportunity for their finding passive-aggressive ways of conveying disapproval of me. This was mostly SiL's doing to start with, but in later years MiL seemed to follow her lead. I can only say that their inventiveness in dreaming up acts of petty spite must have taken considerable time and effort. I have to wonder about the sort of person whose world is made happier through indulging in this sort of behaviour, but it seems there are a lot out there.

I did the pretty much the only thing anyone can do in this set of circumstances: I removed myself from their orbit. In the years since, the Christmas holidays have gone back to being a relaxing and happy time, probably for the first time since the death of my mother.

You do not have to tolerate this.

susiedaisy1912 · 26/12/2023 18:47

My exh ruined every Xmas. 2009 was the last Xmas I tolerated it. I still don't enjoy it that much because of the awful memories associated with him ruining it but the relief I feel every year knowing he can't control another Xmas is fantastic. He also made sure to ruin my birthday every year without fail and pretty much anything I was excited about or looking forward to. Took me years to realise it was done on purpose.

GeordieMummyofFour · 26/12/2023 19:11

I'm so sad, my partner of many years, has yet again ruined Christmas day again (he didn't come over Christmas day last year). We have young children and he said he would be at mine Christmas morning, no show again. I'm so done, he ruins every event through the year and in turn is changing me into the same miserable sod he is. Am I doing the right thing in leaving him, considering I did warn him earlier in the week I would leave him if he did this again 🙁

MinesaBottle · 26/12/2023 21:01

My brother is like this. Last year he lost it because dinner wasn’t all timed to his liking and he had to wait a few minutes for his veggie meal. He constantly claims childhood trauma with made-up or exaggerated stories - I was there too ffs, I remember whether or not things happened! - and weaponises it to control everyone.

Mum left the room in disgust (we had been up since 7 cooking and looking after everyone), he threatened my husband, his son’s girlfriend (19) was in tears and his son (also 19) furious, his daughter (9) had to listen to her father scream vile abuse at people she cares about. I didn’t really react in the way he expected and stayed calm. He eventually stormed out.

I live a long way away and I’ve decided he can get fucked. I sent him a birthday message and a Christmas card but I don’t give a toss about him and his feelings any more. I know he’s not well, but oddly enough he never loses it with strangers or in public, only with family. I feel sorry for my mum as she needs him but he generally doesn’t direct it at her, she does get rants about me or about his son though as son hardly speaks to him any more.

Everything is always someone else’s fault and we are all horrible mean people. Fine, I’ve removed myself from the self-centred little shit and I hope he drowns in his own misery.

Kwasi · 26/12/2023 21:11

Just over a week ago, he said he wanted me and DS (5) out the next day. He then changed his mind but I decided is time to leave. Trouble is, I don't work full time and I have nowhere to go. He's now being uber nice but I know it's fake. He's told me he can't believe I could be so selfish as to only want to see DS 50% of the time.

I don't go back to work until Tuesday and I am stuck in the house with him until then.

blondieminx · 26/12/2023 21:14

TooBigForMyBoots · 25/12/2023 03:32

Thanks for making this thread @Pinkbonbon. And to all you strong women. The ones who've broken free and the ones who are starting to break free.

We have so few Christmases. Make every one count.❤️

Edited

Absolutely this. Thank you for this thread.

My exH was a shit again this year but I am now very good at ignoring him completely when he sulks!

SpringleDingle · 26/12/2023 21:20

I ditched my sulking, joy sucking leech of an exH 5 years ago and the whole family still breathes a sigh of relief that we don’t have him sitting miserably around over Xmas making everyone feel uncomfortable!

gingercat02 · 26/12/2023 21:24

I grew up with this shit. More power to all of you who leave or throw the fuckers out. You and your children will be better and happier with out them ❤️❤️❤️

thatwassociopathic · 26/12/2023 21:31

@GeordieMummyofFour you are so doing the right thing, there's a happy version of you waiting to break free.

Purplewarrior · 26/12/2023 21:34

For me it was my narc mother who ruined every special event with her nasty antics.

I have been NC with her for over ten years, but she still tries her little tricks. She tried one today, using extended family, but it backfired on her spectacularly without me having to do a thing or say a word.

They get what’s coming to them eventually.

💐 for everyone experiencing abuse. Please give yourself the best gift ever and make it is the last time you will let it happen.

Original poster

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2023 21:51

Kwasi · 26/12/2023 21:11

I don't go back to work until Tuesday and I am stuck in the house with him until then.

Oh no!

Try and get out and about as much as possible. The more space you can get to yourself, the better. Makes it harder for him to pull you back into the fog. Do you have a spare room or could you sleep with your 5 year old until you can move out? Certainly don't share a bed with him anymore! Start looking into what benefits and child support you would get. And see a solicitor if you are married to him.

It's absolutely standard that they try to make out you are a bad person or 'breaking up the family'. It's him that's done that in reality by being such a fucking shit. Your child will be much happier in a happy home with a happy mum. Even if its only 50% of the time (I reality it'll probably be more than that because his sort often can't be arsed doing childcare).

You'll be doing right by your child not to stay in a household where his mother is treated badly. So that he doesn't grow up thinking relationships like this are normal and it's one for him to treat people the way his dad does. Or to stay in relationships where people treat him that way. Because these cycles repeat themselves.

You and your child deserve better.
Best of luck getting out fast. Just keep putting one foot infront of the other. And in the mean time, start living as separately from him as possible.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 21:54

My ex picked a fight with me last year and then stormed off and never came back when I was 35 weeks pregnant just before Christmas

This year I was really ill the week before and he cancelled all plans to take the baby out in case it impacted his Xmas social visits so I had to look after baby all alone while very ill then he sent me menacing threats in response to me asking him to reconsider helping

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/01/2024 00:37

Happy new year to all the strong women who've left and those yet to leave.💞

LarkLane · 01/01/2024 01:26

I hope for a better year for everyone here, thinking of you all tonight. Strength to you.

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