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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just ended it with someone I really like and now gutted

34 replies

Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 12:56

I have been seeing someone for 6 weeks and am mad about him but for the last 10 days he's been really cold and distant and cancelled a date. I asked him what was going on and that he seems to have lost interest and that if he has that, it's ok, he can tell me but he ignored the messages and asked me when I was free. We arranged another date for last night and he texted at 11pm saying he got kept late at work etc even though he supposedly finished at 5. He didn't even apologize.
That was the last straw for me and I texted him back and told him I'd had enough and that he wasn't treating me very well and I wished him all the best.
He now hasn't replied. Did I do the right thing? Gutted as probably won't meet someone I liked as much for a long time.
Is it sad that a part of me is hopeful he will get back in touch?

OP posts:
Original poster
Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 12:58

Also if he's not interested, I gave him the opportunity to tell me , why didn't he just tell me instead of arranging another date and standing me up? Or he could have just ghosted me?

OP posts:
samestyle · 24/12/2023 13:09

Some people just won't be honest if they've gone off you, you did the right thing, you just know when the interest is waning, you're also right to no long accept him cancelling on you more than once.

MILTOBE · 24/12/2023 13:10

Good for you! It's really great that you stood up to him and told him you'd had enough, even though you did like him.

The thing is that he obviously wasn't a very nice guy and you were going to find that out sooner or later.

Original poster
Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:17

I know it was the right thing to do deep down, but god it hurts . I always find if I like someone my bar gets lower and I let them get away with stuff or make excuses for them as I don't want to confront them and lose them.
I'm so gutted he didn't reply or try to fight for me or anything really.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 24/12/2023 13:20

You have to remember that feeling if he tries to get in touch again. Remember how hurt you were. It's such early days and he's already treating you badly.

Men like that should have a neon sign on their foreheads.

Original poster
Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:31

I'm so tempted to text him 😭

OP posts:
SamW98 · 24/12/2023 13:34

You did the right thing. I would say the signs point to him dating someone else and keeping you on back burner.

Its shit when you like someone but stick to your standards

MILTOBE · 24/12/2023 13:37

Please don't text him. Make a note of the date and time and the message you'd want to send - a friend of mine did this on a Word document and we read it a couple of months after they split up - it was so funny how the "messages" changed. She was mortified (though laughing a lot) and was so glad she hadn't sent them.

If you need to, think of him showing your messages to his friends - or another woman. The only way to keep your self respect is to not message him.

FiddleLeaf · 24/12/2023 13:39

You are probably sad about the future you imagined with this man but consider reality… he’s flakey & has an inability to be honest.

I would delete his number, cry it out and go for a big walk without your phone. Thank god he’s not wasting anymore of your time.

pikkumyy77 · 24/12/2023 13:40

Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:17

I know it was the right thing to do deep down, but god it hurts . I always find if I like someone my bar gets lower and I let them get away with stuff or make excuses for them as I don't want to confront them and lose them.
I'm so gutted he didn't reply or try to fight for me or anything really.

Let today be the day you stop running after people who make you insecure.

gannett · 24/12/2023 13:40

Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:17

I know it was the right thing to do deep down, but god it hurts . I always find if I like someone my bar gets lower and I let them get away with stuff or make excuses for them as I don't want to confront them and lose them.
I'm so gutted he didn't reply or try to fight for me or anything really.

"Fighting for you" wouldn't be a good sign either. Relationships aren't meant to be involve fighting, power plays or any sort of hard work. They're meant to be easy. If not's not easy... it's not the right relationship for you.

Don't text him. If he does get back in touch don't reply.

Lemsipper · 24/12/2023 13:43

Absolutely do not text him!!! He is just not that into you. And by saying that and then texting him again, it just makes you seem desperate.

if he likes you so much too, why isn’t he texting and saying sorry? Is that all it takes to make him give up and not reply?

DO NOT TEXT HIM

HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU

You have fallen for the thought of him, not the actually reality.

Start talking to another guy, multiple of them ideally, quickest way to distract yourself.

Original poster
Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:43

@MILTOBE thanks so much for your replies, they are a great help. I won't text him, he will just get so much satisfaction from it if I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:47

@Lemsipper thanks for the truth, it hurts but seeing it in black and white like that has really woke me up. He just wasn't that into me

OP posts:
MulledWineBeMine · 24/12/2023 13:51

Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:31

I'm so tempted to text him 😭

@Regretful85

stop being a wet wipe.

it was a few weeks. Why are you 'mad about' a test who treats you like this?

if he's doing this when it's all fresh & st it's best, how do you think he'd be down the line!!

Go enjoy Christmas with Famiky/Fruends ir by yourself & don't give the idiot any more headspace!!

mumda · 24/12/2023 14:06

Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 13:47

@Lemsipper thanks for the truth, it hurts but seeing it in black and white like that has really woke me up. He just wasn't that into me

You've heard of the Christmas jumper? That's silly and pretty but only for one day.
He's the Christmas Dumper. Pretty silly and avoiding buying gifts for one day.

Get rid. Be alone but not lonely.

StockpotSoup · 24/12/2023 14:07

Regretful85 · 24/12/2023 12:58

Also if he's not interested, I gave him the opportunity to tell me , why didn't he just tell me instead of arranging another date and standing me up? Or he could have just ghosted me?

Edited

I wouldn’t waste time wondering why he did it this way rather than another way - the fact is, he did it. You deserve better and you will only be torturing yourself if you keep analysing it all.

Blinkityblonk · 24/12/2023 14:11

He cancelled two dates on you, one on the day. This can't be overlooked or explained away, you would be just hurting yourself texting him or chasing him, he isn't interested in keeping you happy or continuing a relationship, otherwise he'd be planning dates, keeping them and apologising profusely if not.

Sad, but it is what it is, it is the promise of the future that is always a bit hard to let go of, allow yourself a moment of sadness, and onwards and upwards in the New Year.

toomanyleggings · 24/12/2023 14:15

Of course. Why do you want it written in technicolour that he doesn’t like you?
Cancelling especially round Christmas is a clear message.
Before I met dh I was seeing a guy I really liked for about 3 months he went awol over Christmas. Said he’d call on Christmas Eve and the call never came. I cried buckets and it was miserable but I did not text him. Ever! Retain dignity always

SamW98 · 24/12/2023 14:25

I met a bloke earlier this year who cancelled a couple of dates at short notice using family and work as an excuse. We did get on when we met so when he apologised and set another date I hesitantly agreed. I was on holiday for a week and he messaged the last day of my trip to cancel with another work excuse so I just deleted his number and didn’t reply.

Then a few weeks later he sent a’poor me’ message about his he really liked me but obviously I wasn’t interested as I’d ghosted him 🤷‍♀️
Almost certainly he’s dated someone else and if hasn’t worked out so tested if I was still around. I ignored and he disappeared.

Just he aware OP that’s the games some of them play and if he gets back in touch he very very careful

OwlWeiwei · 24/12/2023 14:27

Don;t text him. And do ask yourself why you are so interested in someone who treats you like this. That's a really interesting question worth a proper investigation until you find the answer.

Advice I was given in my twenties: if someone chucks you, raise your bar. Next time go for a cleverer, funnier, kinder, politer, better looking, sexier, wealthier, nicer man than the last. Each time you get ghosted or dumped, climb up another rung on the Good Man Worth Keeping ladder. That's how I ended up with DH. I kept upping my game. It's good fun to be privately checking out if someone meets your new criteria.

pinkyredrose · 24/12/2023 14:30

You definitely did the right thing, he sounds like an arsehole!

Olika · 24/12/2023 14:37

Don't contact him again! If he wanted it to happen he would have made it happen. The difference between all those men I met and dated and my now DH was that I didn't have to try with him, I didn't have to try to understand this and that, I didn't have to lower my standards, I didn't have to wonder or guess. It was flowing naturally and his intentions were clear and there was no space for any grey areas. The longer you waste with a wrong man the less time you have with the right one.

Londontown12 · 24/12/2023 15:02

OwlWeiwei · 24/12/2023 14:27

Don;t text him. And do ask yourself why you are so interested in someone who treats you like this. That's a really interesting question worth a proper investigation until you find the answer.

Advice I was given in my twenties: if someone chucks you, raise your bar. Next time go for a cleverer, funnier, kinder, politer, better looking, sexier, wealthier, nicer man than the last. Each time you get ghosted or dumped, climb up another rung on the Good Man Worth Keeping ladder. That's how I ended up with DH. I kept upping my game. It's good fun to be privately checking out if someone meets your new criteria.

I love this !!!! My dad taught me all about blokes when I was about 15 ! He was a single dad and he actually said he knows what blokes are like because he is one and men will give u all the chat til they get what they want .
That’s why I fell for DH he didn’t talk any bullshit he was genuine and kind and respected me if someone likes u will deffo know !! X

MySpi · 24/12/2023 15:41

I had to do the same with my boyfriend of 6 months a few months ago, he started cancelling and was distant and I could tell things had changed despite me asking for some honesty.

I ended it and never contacted him again, when you look back in a few months you’ll be proud of yourself and how you’ve handled it. Also agree with others here, don’t spend too much energy of trying to figure out why this or why that, it’ll make you crazy. Horrible to happen before Xmas but you’ve dodged a bullet, these types end up crappy partners anyway.