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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

He says I do nothing for him? But I do everything

46 replies

lostxlonely · 24/12/2023 12:32

Hi all

so we have a 1 year old I work from home full time, I pay the full rent, I pay the bills(in debt and struggling), I apply for jobs for my partner (he does but his picky), I cook, I clean, I do the groceries, I tidy, I run errands, I look after our baby whilst I work, I pick up after him, I do nothing for myself and I’m always exhausted and in arguments he says “you don’t do anything for me” “what do you even do for me” “I don’t ask you to do anything” (referring to chores/cooking) he never asks me to do them or rarely but if I don’t do it no one will? He never tells me to wash the clothes but if I don’t do it no one ever does? He doesn’t ask me to clean but if i don’t do it it becomes inhabitable and so I have to as no one else does? He doesn’t ask me to put away his clothes but throws them on the floor and they stay there if I don’t? I clothe our child I do it al. If I don’t do it no one will then he says I don’t take care of him sexually and his low maintenance and I should take care of him like that sometimes when I turn him down several times he just goes silent on me other times he continues to ask. I sometimes just do even if I’m exhausted just to get him to shut up and leave me alone but it still continues.. I just don’t understand how he says I don’t do anything for hom? He said even if he left I would need to still do all this so I’m not doing anything for him? But he does nothing for me at all? Cleans once every 4/5 weeks like just putting the toys away or throwing stuff in the bin and that’s it

OP posts:
Tangelablue · 24/12/2023 13:14

When did he have his manipulate episode? You need to plan to end the relationship safely, do any of your friends and family know what you are going through? Maybe have a code word you message them so they know you are not safe and they need to call the police. Speak to womens aid for support and guidance.

festivetinseling · 24/12/2023 13:27

Oh love, this can't go on. Get yourself in a safe place and call the police again.

wizzywig · 24/12/2023 13:30

Jesus op!! Please make that call

muchalover · 24/12/2023 13:34

Have you somewhere to go? Please go there even if it's a hotel.

Call the police when safe to do so, they will have logged your other call.

You are not safe!

pikkumyy77 · 24/12/2023 13:39

Oh this asshole? I read your other thread. He needs to be punted to the far side of fuck. He doesn’t have anything you should hang onto. He is just s bag of squirming ferret like demands, not a person really.

Wolfiefan · 24/12/2023 13:45

Manic episode? You mean violent outburst. You need to have him removed.

BeckyAMumsnet · 24/12/2023 13:56

Hello @lostxlonely we are hoping your call to the emergency services went through. If possible, can you let us know if you are safe?

You can make a silent 999 call from your mobile. If you don't speak or answer questions, press 55 when prompted and your call will be transferred to the police. Pressing 55 only works on mobiles and doesn't allow the police to track your location. If you don't press 55 your call will be ended.

If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. Some Mumsnetters recommend The Freedom Programme - you might want to take a look.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

LightSpeeds · 24/12/2023 14:10

Get rid of him for Christmas.

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2023 14:11

Standard abuser behaviour to threaten themselves and you when you are trying to leave.

Call the police as soon as its safe to do so and report this incident. Tell them you are in danger. Because you are.

He needs removed.

You cannot stay with this psychopath. He will never stop abusing you if you do. You can never be 'good enough' because he doesn't want you to be. He wants you to suffer.

The best course of action is to get the police and any supportive friends and family told exactly who he is and what he has been doing. Abuse thrives in silence. Ask for help to get him out of your home and life.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 24/12/2023 14:15

Please speak to the Police, OP.

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2023 14:19

Ps: it wasn't a manic episode. It was a tantrum of abuse designed to scare an intimidate you. He wants you to think he 'lost control'. But infact it was an act TO control you, through fear.

Abusers like to imply 'look what you made me do' as if they have no control over themselves. To try shut you up and make you tow the line again for fear you might 'make them' angry. But the truth is, they are not abusive because they are angry- they are angry because they are abusive.

Don't fall for his little act. It was fully controlled. That doesn't mean however, that he isn't dangerous. Just get the police there fast.

Wishimaywishimight · 24/12/2023 14:24

He sounds like a pleasure to have around 😏

WolfFoxHare · 24/12/2023 14:25

Run like the wind from this awful awful man. He brings nothing but rapey pressure to the relationship. You deserve better.

Fraaahnces · 24/12/2023 14:27

Call the police.

AnnaMagnani · 24/12/2023 14:30

It wasn't a manic episode or a breakdown.

It was an abuser having a tantrum as he was losing control. And it worked as you gave in and he is still living with you and abusing you.

Please call Women's Aid.

pinkyredrose · 24/12/2023 14:39

He's a hateful cunt. Get rid and start the new year with a fresh start

RadRad · 24/12/2023 14:40

"He said even if he left I would need to still do all this so I’m not doing anything for him?"
Then let him leave OP, what do you get from this relationship other than being a maid and a cook. Leave his sorry ass.

RadRad · 24/12/2023 14:42

Sorry, didn't see your other update. Call the police, now!

moose62 · 24/12/2023 14:51

You have posted two threads now OP basically saying the same thing. People are giving you good advice, to leave or to throw his out, but you don't seem to want to respond or take it on board, so what are you hoping for?

babyproblems · 24/12/2023 14:53

I decided after the first four lines of your post that you really absolutely need to kick him out. What on earth are you with him for??!! He’s literally a dead weight burden on your life. Get rid op honestly!!! X

ChristmasFluff · 24/12/2023 16:55

And from your other thread he's stolen lots of your things too.

You really need to get rid of him, whatever it takes. If not for you, then for your child.

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