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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants to seperate after 25 years, feeling lost

32 replies

Anonymously123 · 24/12/2023 10:22

A week ago, partner of 25 years has said he wants to leave as our relationship as it is not working any more and we both need to be happy. Things haven't been right, but still a shock. He did have a mini crisis 5 years ago, but after a couple if weeks away,counselling and increase in medication he came back. But this time he said he knows it is the right thing to do for all of use. DD is 11 and seems to be doing OK, but I am struggling. We are currently living together, and he will be moving in a few days. So scared for the future, so scared what this is doing to DD. I can't stop crying and feeling sick, I know it is probably for the best, but being together 25 years and meeting at 18 years old, it is a head wreck. Any advice on what to do next? Everyone is being civil I have family to talk too and they are listening, but I know i can't keep crying jn their shoulders. Concern what this impact is on Dd

OP posts:

Megbryan · 24/12/2023 10:57

Sorry op it’s such a shock, I don’t have much advice except reach out to family for support, I hope you are okay

SquirrelSoShiny · 24/12/2023 11:15

Cherchez la femme as the wise ladies here often say. Sorry OP.

anyolddinosaur · 24/12/2023 11:34

As soon as you can see a solicitor. How are your financed manages - get copies of anything you can about his income, savings and pensions. Can you manage the rent/mortgage where you are on your own or will you need to consider moving/ taking in a lodger?

Look at entitled to for any benefits you may be able to claim. https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ Remind yourself of all his annoying habits, the complaints you'll no longer have to listen to. Once he leaves you may gradually find you prefer life without him.

At 11 some girls can be quite mature, she may find it easier than you do -especially if she has experienced some shitty behaviour from men before. If she sees you are OK she will be fine so try to keep the crying where she doesnt see it.

SoRainbowRhythms · 24/12/2023 11:38

I'm in almost exactly the same position @Anonymously123 (no kids and not married as long) and equally as lost and sad. Sending you love x

mambojambodothetango · 24/12/2023 11:44

Is he husband or partner?

Original poster

Anonymously123 · 24/12/2023 11:48

Thank you everyone for responding. He is a husband. Financially, I am not sure how are going to do this. I think I am going to scrap buy with the mortgage, and I know i shouldn't worry about him, but not sure how is going to afford a place as well. Just finding it so hard to stay brave, and so much whirling around in my head I.e how will we do coparenting if he can only afford a room or a studio. Trying so hard not to get upset in front of Dd

OP posts:

jays · 24/12/2023 12:06

My advice would be to treat this like a bereavement. As much as you need to grieve, you have to take care of the arrangements at the same time and you MUST sort out the finances asap. Other than that, the only advice from experience that I have is that at the beginning, often times all you want to do is whatever it takes to get things back to the way they were, even if it wasn’t great, because the unknown and the loss of the known is terrifying. Over time, I guess, if things weren’t great and you were in denial, you’ll come to see that, which is little comfort right now. I went through a good few years of throwing myself into the kids and trying to heal and I honestly am now happier than I ever have been but it didn’t feel that way for a long, long time and I’m in no way saying “oh it’ll all be ok” I would never say that… just that if things were dead in the water, it’ll become easier to see that with time. I’m gutted for you and how you’re feeling right now, it’s deeply painful and frightening. You will get through it even though it doesn’t feel like you will and you probably want to punch anyone who’s saying you’ll get through it and it’ll get better. But it will. X

anyolddinosaur · 24/12/2023 12:15

Change is often difficult. He may be moving in with another women or going to a friends house. He can see your daughter in a studio or a room or at the homes of his relatives, if there are any. If he wants to make it work he can.

He is focusing on his own needs, focus on yours.

Winter3000 · 24/12/2023 12:38

Where is he moving to?
Has he told you?

They normally don't leave unless there is a pair of knickers to go to.

ZekeZeke · 24/12/2023 15:08

There will be an OW. Guaranteed.

OliveToboogie · 24/12/2023 15:14

So sorry. There will be OW. Very few men leave home without having someone to go to. Give yourself time. You have the right to grieve your relationship end xx

HamBone · 24/12/2023 15:27

My advice would be to treat this like a bereavement.

@jays is absolutely right, the end of a long relationship is a type of bereavement. Don’t be hard on yourself about feeling scared and confused, it’s completely understandable. 💐

Having said that, try to detach finances from your emotions and put your financial hard hat on. Financially, you need to do the best you can for yourself and your DD. Don’t worry about him, gather all the financial information that you can and make a solicitor’s appointment ASAP in January.

RoachFish · 24/12/2023 15:48

I agree with @jays . Also, please ignore those saying he’s met someone else. He might have, but at this moment there is nothing that indicates that’s the case and it’s just said to further hurt you. Just work with the information you have, no need to add any extra hurt.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 24/12/2023 15:52

Go on to Entitledto.com and see if you can get any benefits or discounts. It might not be a huge amount of UC (I get £30 a month!) but it does allow other things like cheaper water and discount on broadband. Also make sure that child benefit is in your name and goes to your bank account.
Sorry you’re going through this OP. You will survive.

perfectcolourfound · 24/12/2023 17:23

I know you're worried about your DD. But she will take her cue from you and her dad.

If you reassure her all will be well, plan some fun stuff in the near future, show that you and her dad are still friendly, she will be OK. It might not be plain-sailing throughout, but divorce doesn't have to damage children.

But it's important that she doesn't see that, to you, this feels like the end of the world.

Original poster

Anonymously123 · 24/12/2023 17:58

Omg, you are all amazing for sending messages. Most of the messages have made me read them two/three times over and has made me do some thinking, and have found them helpful. I never thought about all of this as a beverament process. Its going to be a bumpy road, and today I have tried to remain strong. Thank you for being kind

OP posts:

whiteshutters · 24/12/2023 18:32

I've been there as have many of us on here. Your feelings are very normal especially the "how will I survive in financial terms". It's been a week and you are having to play a catch up game. He has decided what is best for the family. 🙄You were young when you met so sometimes relationships do just break down over time. However like others I would think that there may be someone else especially when they start talking about their "happiness" !

This will work out. Right now you are in panic mode which is again totally normal. For now just focus on a day at a time and get through the Christmas and New Year period. It doesn't mater what kind of place he gets - he can sleep on a blow up bed and your DD in his bed.

People are sometimes a bit unhelpful at times and they say "what are you going to do?" 🙄as if you have any idea! I know you are probably also thinking that you would do anything to keep the status quo but sometimes your hand is forced and it is a good thing. No one ever thinks they will get divorce but it is very common. You will have a whole new life ahead of you.

Original poster

Anonymously123 · 26/12/2023 16:53

Thank you for kind words again. It has been a struggle the past few days, but have tried my best for my DD. So worried about finances and our home, but tomorrow going to start looking at getting advice about mortgage, the house and debts. Have to put a plan in place.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonymously123 · 29/12/2023 10:45

It's now been about 2 weeks, and still not getting my head around it all. Trying to be as civil as I can, but at the moment he is not wanting conversations about finance and bills. I have emailed solicitors over the holidays and now waiting to hear back on how they can help me. Still so worried about DD, as she is not saying much about the situation, should I be worried? He said he is moving out to sleep on sofa on a weeks time, but he has no further plans beyond that. I just need a civil conversation and put plans into place.

OP posts:

MsJuniper · 29/12/2023 11:13

I was 11 when my parents split up and I would much rather my mum had talked to me more and acknowledged it was a difficult and painful time than pretended everything was fine. Brushing under the carpet did a lot more damage in the long term. I'm not saying you should be weeping and wailing and she may not want to talk about it much but pp saying she will be fine with it all are misguided. Keep the door open.

It's concerning that your STBX is not willing to discuss things. Hope you get everything sorted out soon in a practical sense and wish you all the best for the future.

MILTOBE · 29/12/2023 11:18

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. Don't forget that she will pick up on your reaction - if you are saying things like "How will we cope?" etc that will make her very anxious. You will cope and you know what, you'll be happier when he's not there.

I would bet my house on him having met someone else, I'm afraid. Very very few men leave home to sleep on a sofa elsewhere. I don't think you should be considering him or his finances or his welfare at the moment - he's put himself first and you need to put yourself and your daughter first now.

You need to get very practical - speak to a solicitor, look up the Entitled To calculator, look up the child support calculator, etc. Put yourselves first - not him. If he complains about money, say "How did you think you were going to manage?" Put it back on him to answer that one.

And tell other people the truth. He's left you. And when you discover the other woman, tell people that, too. He's not your friend, now, OP.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 29/12/2023 11:31

Even though he's initiated the split he's probably as scared of the future as you are, it will have a massive impact on him too.
Maybe that's why he doesn't want to discuss it plus he'll be worried about the financial implications.
You, however, can't live in limbo.
Continue with your plans to seek legal advice, look after you.
Be kind to yourself, like a pp said it's like a bereavement, you need to take one step at a time whilst taking care of your own mental health (I speak from experience).
If he had a wobble 5 years ago and now he's saying he wants a split he could change his mind again, don't fall for it, you will never be able to settle knowing he may spring this on you again.
Take care of yourself, come on here to vent, the hive mind of MN has your back ❤️

LegoHeads · 29/12/2023 11:42

If he is leaving he needs to leave. It is unfair on you and Dd that he has announced this (with terrible timing) and is still hanging about like a bad smell plus refusing to engage with any of the practicalities.

You need to push on with all this stuff. Get your paperwork ready for the solicitor. Do you have a joint account? If so I’d move half the money into a personal account now. Give him a date by which he needs to be out.

The fact that he’s announced this without any real plan (sleeping on someone’s sofa for a week is not a plan) is really pathetic and shows a lack of understanding of the enormity of what he has done. I’d encourage you to try to take control of the situation- one of you needs to. His dragging it out will only increase your and your DD’s confusion and hurt.

80s · 29/12/2023 11:43

this time he said he knows it is the right thing to do for all of use
How saintly of him.

at the moment he is not wanting conversations about finance and bills
Have you tried telling him that it would be the right thing to do for all of you? 🙄
At least one of you has not got their head stuck in the sand. He's not on the team any more so you're going to have to do the sums and organisation for yourself, OP. Sort out the expert support and get his family involved so that he does not get to preserve his saintly appearance while deliberately making things hard for you.

He said he is moving out to sleep on sofa on a weeks time
Just having them out of your sight helps a lot. Staying with a work/gym friend you don't know, huh?

It takes ages to get your head round it. Two weeks is nothing. Even after two years, you'll still be having new feelings or coming across new circumstances you have to get used to. It does get easier, but it is a complicated process and simply takes a while.

Original poster

Anonymously123 · 29/12/2023 11:49

Thank you for all your comments and its nice to hear that people understand and have your back. Whilst I am trying to work things out I.e finances, bills, the house etc, it does feel he has buried his head in the sand, or getting bad advice I.e not talking about finance, apart from the one few comments of we will have to sell the house. Not very helpful. Just hope some of the solicitors call back soon, so I can get the advice ASAP.

OP posts:

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