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Original poster

Is it me in the wrong,or him?

36 replies

DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 07:55

Every year DH, I think, spends far too much on his siblings and goes to lengths to get something he thinks is special/funny. He spends an awful lot of time finding the right thing. Buying off eBay and auctions, paying P&P.
In the past I’ve gone mad at the money spent, time spent and the lengths gone to, when we’ve got kids and a house, he doesn’t do anywhere near 50% and little DIY jobs don’t get done.
Anyway, last year he said that he wasn’t doing it any more. But surprise, surprise, he has. And he’s been hiding things and been secretive about it.
So the question is, does he have the ‘right’ to do/spend as much as he wants, or should there be some consideration to the fact that I think it’s too much? We are meant to be a partnership, with some compromise.
Trying to work out if I’m being controlling or not. And if I am then it’s time to split and let him get on with it.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 24/12/2023 07:59

Wow yes YABU!! I’d see this as a good quality in a person?
Does he get you and the children thoughtful presents?
If not - why not? And have you raised it with him?

I can’t believe someone would try and dictate how long I spent researching a present for someone!!

sorrynotathome · 24/12/2023 08:01

Presumably he enjoys the process and it’s part of Christmas for him. Can he not do the DIY during the 11 other months?

Treacletoots · 24/12/2023 08:02

I think you're confusing the two issues.

Should he be making effort to buy siblings a nice present? If you've no money concerns then why not.

Should he be pulling his weight around the house. Of course.

Two separate things. You could try talking to him, but in my experience people don't NOT already know they're being selfish, they just don't care. Think about that for a moment.

When people show you who they are, listen. Talk is cheap. Actions are everything. If he's always been this way and presumably you've always accepted this, then what has changed? Do you think he will take on feedback and change his behaviour?

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:02

He doesn’t get the kids anything, I do it all. And I often dont like what he gets me, but I always ask him not to get me anything, and I’m ignored.

OP posts:
Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:03

Last year he said he was stopping, and he’d just send a hamper or a box of wine, but he’s done it again. He spent an hour wrapping one siblings presents the other day, that’s how much he’s buying.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 24/12/2023 08:04

It depends really.... is it money you can afford?

I don't think there is anything wrong in putting time and effort into buying a gift for someone and I don't think it's comparable to him not pulling his weight at home. That is a completely separate issue.

So yes, on the face of it you are being unreasonable and controlling but there's not really enough context here for a fair assumption. I mean if you were absolutely skint and struggling to make ends meet then yes he's being unreasonable or if he's a lazy layabout who just spends your money then he's being unreasonable.

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:05

sorrynotathome · 24/12/2023 08:01

Presumably he enjoys the process and it’s part of Christmas for him. Can he not do the DIY during the 11 other months?

The DiY doesn’t get done unless it’s something that absolutely has to be done now.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 24/12/2023 08:05

What do they get him or you? Similar amount of gifts?

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:07

Iloveacurry · 24/12/2023 08:05

What do they get him or you? Similar amount of gifts?

They send a hamper. That’s how much thought they put into it, and I don’t blame them.
I feel a bit embarrassed I suppose, at the stuff he sends, and he puts that it’s from me and the kids too!

OP posts:
AnotherCountryMummy · 24/12/2023 08:11

Kindly, you sound a bit unreasonable and a tad jealous of the effort he's putting into the gifts for his siblings.

The DIY is a totally separate issue and not related to the gifts.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:13

You have conflated so many issues, you are both Unreasonable.

The issues appears to be that he doesn’t put in much effort to the kids Christmas or yours. And then does for his siblings.

Unless you really can’t afford the presents he buys, that should be the conversation. A box of decent wine isn’t cheap, so not sure money is the issue.Not ‘you don’t do enough for our kids so you must put minimum effort in to siblings’.

Separate the 2 things to some degree. Don’t have the conversation based around what he does for his siblings. The conversation is about what he doesn’t do for the kids. Why does he not think to do anything for the kids? Why does it automatically fall to you? Ask him his point of view on it.

But to be honest you are setting him up with your Christmas presents. I hate the ‘don’t get me anything’. Because people feel awful if there’s nothing. He likely thinks if he doesn’t get anything that will cause an issue.

I think you have got to the point where you are that frustrated with him not doing anything you are starting g to pull all sorts of issues in and focussing on them, which make you unreasonable and won’t resolve anything.

What sort of thing does he buy you? That you have never liked a present that he gets you?

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:24

I’ll give you an example of my frustration. He bought an item at auction, paid fees and P&P, then stored it in the garage. There was a leak, it was ruined, the item went in the bin. Money wasted.
He bought a picture for £20, the glass smashed, so it went in the bin.
So that’s about £40 wasted. But he doesn’t care, seems to enjoy buying, and seems to get a thrill from them saying thank you.
Perhaps it comes from me being poor as a child, but him not.

OP posts:
Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:25

AnotherCountryMummy · 24/12/2023 08:11

Kindly, you sound a bit unreasonable and a tad jealous of the effort he's putting into the gifts for his siblings.

The DIY is a totally separate issue and not related to the gifts.

I’m not in the slightest bit jealous.
I

OP posts:
Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:26

Do you think he will take on feedback and change his behaviour?

He said that he’d stop after last Xmas but didn’t, so I guess not.

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:27

DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:24

I’ll give you an example of my frustration. He bought an item at auction, paid fees and P&P, then stored it in the garage. There was a leak, it was ruined, the item went in the bin. Money wasted.
He bought a picture for £20, the glass smashed, so it went in the bin.
So that’s about £40 wasted. But he doesn’t care, seems to enjoy buying, and seems to get a thrill from them saying thank you.
Perhaps it comes from me being poor as a child, but him not.

Again, the issue isn’t him buying things for his siblings.

It’s hime buying things and then them being a waste because he isn’t storing them correctly.

You don’t seem to like him very much and think he is useless. Which he might be. But are fixating on this and making it ‘I don’t want you to put so much thought and time into siblings presents’. And it’s not tackling the actual issue.

Moltenpink · 24/12/2023 08:28

Sounds like it’s a bit of a hobby for him? There are worse hobbies to have!

PurpleOrchid42 · 24/12/2023 08:31

It's sounds like he really enjoys doing it, but it's hard to fathom why he doesn't do the same for you or the kids. Maybe it's just that he thinks you've got the kids covered, and you're leaving this bit to him, so this is how he does it? I think you are jealous, because he doesn't put the same effort into gifts for you, which I can understand. It's like 'why do you put so much time and effort into them, but none into me?' He's being extremely thoughtful towards them, which is lovely, but he's forgotten about you. Which is hurtful.

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:31

Moltenpink · 24/12/2023 08:28

Sounds like it’s a bit of a hobby for him? There are worse hobbies to have!

Yes, he’s retired early so it possibly gives him something to do.
But I’d quite like him to do more around the house! When the shopping is due to be delivered he goes out so that he doesn’t have to help put things away.

OP posts:
Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:32

I’m not jealous!
Id rather have nothing than something I don’t want. This year I told him what to get me, rather than have money wasted on something I don’t want.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 24/12/2023 08:36

Divorce him.

You don't seem to like him, you don't seel to respect him, you are absolutely determined he's wrong, so why prolong the agony?

Theunamedcat · 24/12/2023 08:37

DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:31

Yes, he’s retired early so it possibly gives him something to do.
But I’d quite like him to do more around the house! When the shopping is due to be delivered he goes out so that he doesn’t have to help put things away.

Show quote history

Don't tell him then he can't leave?

Ebay can be like gambling its a thrill

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:40

DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:31

Yes, he’s retired early so it possibly gives him something to do.
But I’d quite like him to do more around the house! When the shopping is due to be delivered he goes out so that he doesn’t have to help put things away.

Show quote history

Again, home buying presents isn’t the issue.

I assume you fixating on this means that for most of the year you can ignore that he doesn’t do much at home. You can get through the year.

But tbh, you sound ridiculous moaning about the presents rather than tackling the actual issue.

He shouldn’t stop putting this effort into sibling presents. He enjoys it. He should be doing more at home. He shouldn’t have to say he is going to stop doing the presents the way he wants to appease you.

That doesn’t fix the actual problem. The fact that you want him to stop that rather than actual do more, suggest you might be a bit of a martyr. You do it all because you like to be in control of it all then enjoy complaining about him not doing much. This is the bit of it you don’t control

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 08:41

Ebay can be like gambling its a thrill

I agree, and probably the same with an auction. The need to ‘win’.
He drinks every day, so there’s possibly a touch of addiction with the presents too.

OP posts:
Original poster
DustyLee123 · 24/12/2023 09:18

Two separate things. You could try talking to him, but in my experience people don't NOT already know they're being selfish, they just don't care. Think about that for a moment.

When people show you who they are, listen. Talk is cheap. Actions are everything. If he's always been this way and presumably you've always accepted this, then what has changed? Do you think he will take on feedback and change his behaviour?

I haven’t always accepted it, I’ve had no choice but to tolerate it.
When he’s buying stuff on a credit card and then paying it off next month, I don’t see that as being able to afford it. I wonder if there’s some part of trying to out do them in some way, send better presents.
He knows I don’t like it, lots of the things are ‘jokes’ so probably go in the bin, and it’s such a lot of money. I think the fact that he knows I don’t like it, and we’ve had conversations about it, then he said he’d stop and hasn’t, shows he doesn’t care about my feelings and will continue.
I hope I’d take his thoughts into consideration if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 24/12/2023 09:22

It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship. He sounds like an annoying lodger. Do you have separate finances? Maybe separate them and have him pay a set amount each month for the household, then what he does with the rest and his own credit is his problem.