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Original poster

In-laws, grandchild, presents, Christmas. Gah!

31 replies

123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 14:30

In-laws are 1.5 hours away. Both retired, no major health problems, they drive and have no problems with driving away on holidays or to see their more local grandchildren. But ours (their only granddaughter) they don't seem to care about seeing unless we deliver her to their house. When they do see her at theirs they are very sweet with her but, understandably, DD takes a long time to warm up as she never sees them.

We have got DD a play kitchen for Xmas. MIL told me she would get her some pots and pans for it. We have both been working really long hours pre-Christmas with long commutes, I'm studying for a post-grad exam that I have to do in March to finish my training for my career, we've got a challenging toddler who has been sick pretty much every week over winter and still wakes multiple times per night. We are exhausted.

We warned the in-laws months ago we wouldn't be coming to visit them at Xmas. We are more than happy to host them if they want to visit us. I also said to DH that if he was really keen to go, then I would be more than happy to go but I am tired of chasing everyone every year and pushing him to organise things with his family. They are all shit at communicating. They have been promising to visit all this year but always coming up with excuses.

They haven't sent us an xmas card this year. Which is fine, I don't care about one but I'm sad they didn't send one to DD. They also haven't sent her any presents. Which I understand, they probably want to see her open them and enjoy them. But equally, they have no plans to come and see us so it could be months and months until she gets them.

So I am stuck with a child with a play kitchen without pots and pans and in a dilemma. They are what, £10 max? I could buy her some easily. The money is not the issue. And she is really into role-play, cooking and copying mummy at the moment. But then at some point, in an unspecified time, MIL is going to turn up with a duplicate set and get angry that we have got some already and I will be made the bad guy. And it just feels so wasteful.

So what do I do? feels like I can't win either way!

OP posts:
Original poster
123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 14:35

Sorry, I appreciate this sounds really pathetic. It's just a gift after all. But it's a symptom of wider issues with in-laws and their relationship with my child and husband.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 23/12/2023 14:37

Why will it be months and months? 1.5 hours isn't very far, tell DH to arrange to visit them for a day. Yes they should come to you, but don't let stubbornness damage their relationship with their grandchild.

Original poster
123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 14:40

We don't have the capacity in the diary for the next few months to go and visit them and they are highly unlikely to come and visit us going by their track record!

OP posts:
Lovepeaceunderstanding · 23/12/2023 14:47

One set of our grandchildren live one and a half hours away. They live very close to my DIL’s parents. My son is a GP and works horrendous hours and is often very tired. We see each other reasonably regularly, about twice a month on average, our son and lovely DIL have a nice guest bedroom with an en-suite and we have a pretty open invitation to stay. Equally we have En-suite bedrooms for them and our grandchildren; I realise we’re extremely lucky in this respect.
Our son and his family came late last night and will be staying with us until late on Boxing Day morning. They’re out today visiting relatives who live closer to me. We all want to see each other and make the effort, we visited them a couple of weeks ago for a day out to the Bath Christmas market and the Roman baths.
Why don’t you tell your PIL that you’d be really pleased if they visited more frequently and Spent more time with your children? They may not want to be a nuisance. It’s also worth noting that when you get a bit older a 3 hour round trip drive can be a bit tiring. Your DH ought to be a bit more proactive arranging visits in both directions.
As to the gift, I’d ring up your mother in law and explain that you’re going to get a few things for your daughter’s kitchen to keep her going until she receives their gift. If your MIL kicks up a stink about that she’s not being very reasonable. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 15:05

@Lovepeaceunderstanding your circumstances sound very similar to ours, but it’s me who is the Dr in our family 😂 hence why we are all exhausted!

OP posts:
Leopardmatches · 23/12/2023 15:08

Just buy the pots and pans. Accept you’ll be the bad person. Or don’t accept it and tell them. You’ll never win. Do what’s best for your DD.

Chaiandtoast · 23/12/2023 15:12

This is a DH problem. Buy the pots and pans, don’t worry about the grandparents. They won’t arrange to come see you, and dh won’t arrange for you to go see them,
clearly dh won’t back you up if MIL is annoyed at you (only you? Dh isn’t responsible for dds toys and gifts?) or tell her anything himself. so leave it be, why stress yourself if no one else is arsed.

Ragwort · 23/12/2023 15:15

I find it hard to believe that your DH can't find the 'capacity' Hmm within the next few months to visit his own DPs ... both sides sound equally stubborn. Is he the King or Prime Minisiter?

Justmuddlingalong · 23/12/2023 15:18

Buy the pots.
IL's offer to buy them obviously relied on you collecting the present, which is lazy of them.
Have the whole set up ready for your DD for Christmas morning and ignore any fall out if IL's present eventually materialises.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/12/2023 15:19

Can you not dig out some of your old pots and pans (small light ones) for your DC to play with in the short term, and then they can at least use the kitchen in the meantime?

Vinrouge4 · 23/12/2023 15:37

Leopardmatches · 23/12/2023 15:08

Just buy the pots and pans. Accept you’ll be the bad person. Or don’t accept it and tell them. You’ll never win. Do what’s best for your DD.

Very good advice

Pimo · 23/12/2023 15:49

I would buy the pots (£15-£20 from Argos).

It is a bit lazy/borderline mean of your in-laws to agree to buy these, knowing full well it is so their granddaughter can use her main Christmas present properly...and then make no effort what-so-ever to arrange bringing them/posting them.

As they don't visit how will they even know unless you/your DH tells them?

peppapigpeppa · 23/12/2023 16:03

just buy the pots and pans or you could buy plates/cups and saucers/play food etc....there's lots of kitchen play stuff so it doesn't need to be a duplicate.
The principle would annoy me though, I have had similar issues with a well meaning relative who asks what kids would like for birthday then takes 2 months to post present. So when they ask for a specific idea, i no longer say something that they really would like or is linked to a particular season, I suggest something more generic. No point getting annoyed anymore as they're kind to get a gift, but frustrating the first couple of times

Garlicnaan · 23/12/2023 16:12

Ragwort · 23/12/2023 15:15

I find it hard to believe that your DH can't find the 'capacity' Hmm within the next few months to visit his own DPs ... both sides sound equally stubborn. Is he the King or Prime Minisiter?

This. It's a 3 hour round journey. Loads of people do that as a commute 5 X a week. You don't have the capacity because it's not a priority, simple as that.

Original poster
123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 16:49

No, it’s not a priority. There is lots more going on in our life, that I don’t have to explain here, that means it’s not. We’ve been to see them plenty over the last few years. For the next few months we can’t do it.

It’s not just 3 hours is it? Unless we turn around as soon as we get there?

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 16:52

Dd needs the pans more than mil doesn't need a sour face.

Andylion · 23/12/2023 17:07

Garlicnaan · 23/12/2023 16:12

This. It's a 3 hour round journey. Loads of people do that as a commute 5 X a week. You don't have the capacity because it's not a priority, simple as that.

Show quote history

If it’s that short a trip, why can’t the ILs do it?

Hayliebells · 23/12/2023 17:11

I'd just buy the pots and pans. Your DH can explain that's what's happened and ask his parents to return their set/not buy them. There's no reason why you need to get involved, they're not your parents.

Leopardmatches · 23/12/2023 17:20

Oh, and next time your IL ask what your DD would like as a present either

  • say their son is dealing with his families side

or/and

  • suggest something that your DD will like but won’t be an issue if she doesn’t get.

and may I suggest some dried pasta, tea bags , empty food packets and Play Do for her pretend kitchen.

festivetinseling · 23/12/2023 17:32

Just buy the pots and pans. Chances are they probably haven't bought what you asked them to buy her anyway, judging on what used to happen in our family when dc were little.

ofestivetree · 23/12/2023 17:35

Buy your daughter the pots and pans. Why should she not have it. If your MIL kicks up a fuss say you needed them for christmas

raspberrybeeret · 23/12/2023 17:46

Buy a small set and then she'll have 4 (?) pots and pans once the ILs give theirs. Really not a drama.

raspberrybeeret · 23/12/2023 17:49

I agree with not being wasteful but a tenner (in your circs) and a couple of extra pans which kids tend to play with for years is not a big deal. Think this is just about your IL relationship....

gotmychristmasmiracle · 23/12/2023 19:58

Just buy the pans and think no more about it....if she says anything just say she got them in a secret Santa or something x

lunkitsmum · 23/12/2023 20:12

Can’t believe people are piling on you and suggesting you spend a whole precious day travelling/visiting to get a £10 gift. Your MIL said she would get the pans and she hasn’t made an effort to either get them or get them to you so tough luck if she feels a bit put out. Buy the pans, let your daughter enjoy them life is too short to spend time considering people’s feelings when you and your family are obviously low on their priority list! Have a lovely Xmas.

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