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Original poster

In-laws, grandchild, presents, Christmas. Gah!

31 replies

123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 14:30

In-laws are 1.5 hours away. Both retired, no major health problems, they drive and have no problems with driving away on holidays or to see their more local grandchildren. But ours (their only granddaughter) they don't seem to care about seeing unless we deliver her to their house. When they do see her at theirs they are very sweet with her but, understandably, DD takes a long time to warm up as she never sees them.

We have got DD a play kitchen for Xmas. MIL told me she would get her some pots and pans for it. We have both been working really long hours pre-Christmas with long commutes, I'm studying for a post-grad exam that I have to do in March to finish my training for my career, we've got a challenging toddler who has been sick pretty much every week over winter and still wakes multiple times per night. We are exhausted.

We warned the in-laws months ago we wouldn't be coming to visit them at Xmas. We are more than happy to host them if they want to visit us. I also said to DH that if he was really keen to go, then I would be more than happy to go but I am tired of chasing everyone every year and pushing him to organise things with his family. They are all shit at communicating. They have been promising to visit all this year but always coming up with excuses.

They haven't sent us an xmas card this year. Which is fine, I don't care about one but I'm sad they didn't send one to DD. They also haven't sent her any presents. Which I understand, they probably want to see her open them and enjoy them. But equally, they have no plans to come and see us so it could be months and months until she gets them.

So I am stuck with a child with a play kitchen without pots and pans and in a dilemma. They are what, £10 max? I could buy her some easily. The money is not the issue. And she is really into role-play, cooking and copying mummy at the moment. But then at some point, in an unspecified time, MIL is going to turn up with a duplicate set and get angry that we have got some already and I will be made the bad guy. And it just feels so wasteful.

So what do I do? feels like I can't win either way!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 23/12/2023 21:44

Buy the pots and pans. Apart from that, there's a thing called a telephone where you can just say " don't get pans as sorted thanks". Then they either get something else, or they don't bother - like they haven't done yet.

Snowfalling · 23/12/2023 22:13

if they can drive for travelling, then it's a bit rubbish of them not visiting their granddaughter. Don't they miss her?

But you're making a big deal of the pots and pans. just buy them, who cares what mil says? just tell her dd was getting impatient for them, you wanted her to enjoy her play kitchen before she lost interest in it.

Have you thought about why this has become an issue for you? Seems quite disproportionate tbh.

Original poster
123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 22:33

Yeah it’s not the pots and pans in itself. It’s the general lack of interest (when besotted with other, more local grandchildren) and comparison to my own parents who would move heaven and earth to make sure a part of their granddaughters main Christmas present would be with her for the day she opened it.

My poor husband is disappointed they don’t want to see our daughter unless we drive her to them. He has had a lifetime of this and since having a child of our own he is struggling with things from his childhood.

so yes, sorry. It’s not just about the pots and pans, it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back IYSWIM.

We could drive to see them, yes. It’s not far. But we are both struggling with working FT, long commutes, raising a toddler and he is struggling with all of these feelings about his own childhood. We have decided to focus on our own little family for the next few months and trying to get me through a very expensive, difficult exam for work.

OP posts:
Disgruntledpelicanlady · 23/12/2023 22:38

How old is little one?
If young enough to not say anything I'd be tempted to buy the pans but just not tell mil. If she does come to visit you, put them away before she arrives. If you visit her it doesn't matter either way.
DD gets to play with the pans and mil isn't offended by what she doesn't know!

Snowfalling · 23/12/2023 22:45

123bumblebee · 23/12/2023 22:33

Yeah it’s not the pots and pans in itself. It’s the general lack of interest (when besotted with other, more local grandchildren) and comparison to my own parents who would move heaven and earth to make sure a part of their granddaughters main Christmas present would be with her for the day she opened it.

My poor husband is disappointed they don’t want to see our daughter unless we drive her to them. He has had a lifetime of this and since having a child of our own he is struggling with things from his childhood.

so yes, sorry. It’s not just about the pots and pans, it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back IYSWIM.

We could drive to see them, yes. It’s not far. But we are both struggling with working FT, long commutes, raising a toddler and he is struggling with all of these feelings about his own childhood. We have decided to focus on our own little family for the next few months and trying to get me through a very expensive, difficult exam for work.

Yes it's not about the pots, it's about what they represent in the way of grandparents love and interest in your dd. It is monumentally shit of them. I would buy it and let grandparents know that you didn't think it fair to let dd wait any longer.

no wonder your dh is struggling to prioritise them. You've visited them regularly in the past, invited them over and offered to host xmas. Leave them to it, don't let this mar your celebrations.

PBandJ111 · 24/12/2023 07:33

Why doesn’t your dh ask where your dc gift is, on the premise he’s worried post has gone missing?

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