How to Accept Resentment?

[IsThisIt321]

Hello, would really appreciate some input on how to just accept and live with my situation.

Context - married 8 years, 2 small kids. Both my husband and I have checked out of the marriage, but the household is happy, the kids are thriving. My husband is low energy, low motivation, happy with his lot. I'm the opposite. I do everything - not an understatement. He is, however, good with the kids, and pulls his weight when asked to.

Usually, in this sort of situation, you would leave right? However, over the past year or so, I've realised I'm not unhappy. I'm absolutely content to let things continue as is - I don't need a partner, but the upheaval of divorce on the kids, splitting finances etc, outweighs any cons of staying together. There is a mutual understanding that we are happy just to exist together, and I'm fine with that.

My only issue is the resentment - the gaps can't be bridged, he won't do more. I've truly tried. Has anyone come across any ways to just be able to not let this get to them? How can I just live with it?

Do you respect him? Does he respect you?

I think you’ve answered your question in a way - you can’t live with it which is why you feel resentful. It would only be if you could get to a place where you are content AND don’t feel resentful of your DH that it would work. Otherwise it will grow until the atmosphere becomes tense and unpleasant for your DC. It’s an upheaval now but will probably be better in the long run and you might find then that you do want a partner and can find someone who you deserve.

Maybe also think how you’d feel at say 60, having spent years with someone you didn’t even love and making his life easier and yours harder.

@determinedtomakethiswork Good point. I respect certain things about him - for example; he has an average job which he has steadfastly attended every day for 30 years. But probably, overall, no, I don't respect him. I wouldn't like to guess what he makes of me!

@Needsomesupport84 Sorry, didn't mean to drip feed but he's 20 years older, so my life at 60 will probably be quite great (ha, don't mean to be so morbid!). The strange this is that I almost want to be alone - I don't want someone to love or to love me. If it happened, then great, but I wouldn't divorce him and then be on dating sites or anything. I've considered the whole "better in the long run thing" a lot, and I just don't see it. He wouldn't manage alone, has a limited working life left, and I do appreciate the extra pair of hands and eyes on the kids etc, and someone to take the bins out when told to. Genuinely, if I can learn to be around his lack of motivation without being resentful, everything would just tick away fine!

I know now I didn't make a great choice in partner, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I wouldn't leave now, but if I didn't love someone, I wouldn't be hanging around to look after them when they were old. Sorry about that!

@determinedtomakethiswork Right?! But I feel like I don't have a choice, and it will eventually work out. I'm pretty strong mentally and will give it all my best shot at dealing with it, I'm prepared.

re your comment:
"Both my husband and I have checked out of the marriage, but the household is happy, the kids are thriving".

Well you would like to think so and I do not doubt your children are happy on some level because you are but the cracks are ever present and your children will (and likely have) pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you and their dad. Should your children accept resentment too because you have done?. What sort of life lesson is that to impart?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what lessons are you both teaching your children here for them to potentially emulate?.

Re your comment
"I'm absolutely content to let things continue as is - I don't need a partner, but the upheaval of divorce on the kids, splitting finances etc, outweighs any cons of staying together. "

Does it?. Have you looked into that at all or are you basing that merely on your own suppositions?.

How do you think your children will feel when they eventually discover that you both stayed with each other because of them?. And they will know; do not kid yourselves. All you and he have in common now is that you've both checked out. They are not going to say thanks to either of you for doing that to them and could well accuse you both of putting your own selves before them. They will likely leave home as soon as possible to rarely if ever return because they won't want to see either of you.

Your bar for your life, let alone boundaries is pitifully low. Divorce is not failure, living in such unhappiness is.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you, I definitely needed to hear that! I understand what you're saying, I really do.

The thing is, I don't think we are staying together just for the kids. We rub along fairly well, if anything have less arguments than a "normal" couple as it's just pretty calm. We happily co-exist, and, after a few years of trying to bridge gaps, I am ready now just to accept responsibility for most things. I just need the tools to do that.

I have thought a lot about it, and I just can't see the negative impact on the kids in living like this. It's not a turbulent household, they have love, consistency and two parents who don't argue. I can't speak for my husband, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything - I don't feel bereft at the thought of a relationship without any romantic love. The only negative they may be seeing is two parents who aren't very similar in their approaches to life.

I'm a rational person, and have obviously tried to see it from the other side that you pointed out - am I just kidding myself and I AM harming the kids? But I just don't see it. What am I missing?

You sound very pragmatic, OP, and that’s commendable. However I do agree with PP that you seem to have set the bar for your life pretty low.

Resentment is not a healthy emotion and to be corroded with it is not a way to live. The kids may pick up on, they may not - you need to think about your own happiness too, not just theirs.

Your op doesn’t really make sense. You can’t be content and resentful at the same time.
Why would you want this for your life?

While he's fit and well, I can see rubbing along together - but if he's 20 years older, isn't the likelihood that you're going to end up his carer?

Or do you intend to leave when the kids are adults?

Do you have a sexlife with him?

Did your parents have a similar sort of marriage?.

You have less than ‘normal’ levels of arguments likely because you barely speak to each other. You do exist because you’re both doing your own things.
What relationship lessons are you both imparting to your children here?.

Your marriage if continued will really mess your kids up big time and those effects on them will only become further apparent in late teens or adulthood. There are many posters on MN whose parents stayed together for their own reasons and they are not happy their parents did that for their supposed sake. You have a choice re your husband, your children do not.

You aren’t content if you are resentful. Either accept your DH 100% and your choice to stay or leave.

This sounds familiar. Is this the one where he’s quite annoying and dominates conversations with his interests all the time? If so, divorce him. As others have said, you will be his carer in 10 years time and people will think you’re a dick if you divorce him then. Do it now - if it’s amicable the kids will be fine.

I'm in the same boat as you, OP, only further down the line - my children are all adults and DH is retired - and this is a second marrriage for both of us. (In fact I drafted a post before I saw yours, but lost the courage to post it.) My husband is older too, but the main difference between your situation and mine is that we have huge rows about it, instigated by me, because I feel so unhappy and frustrated by my DH's lack of interest in anything except his projects and going away solo to visit his family. I find his indifference so hurtful and end up getting angry about it.

In my case, I can't face a protracted and vicious divorce, as my mental health isn't very robust thanks to an abusive childhood. I too am interested to know how other women stay in situations like ours.

@Littlestminnow why would a divorce be protracted and vicious? Is your husband more than disinterested, but in fact abusive?

I thought I could endure, but the resentment came to dominate my life with him. There were added problems that he was a bully so none of these things could ever be addressed. But I tried really hard to put up with it.

I too didn’t want a relationship with anyone else. But I ended up living a half life with my simmering anger and resentment boiling away.

Eventually I saw I couldn’t live this way and left. I now live alone and feel so calm and peaceful. Luckily my Dd was an adult by then, I wished I had left at least 5 years earlier. There was nothing left to hold us together when she went off to uni.

My advice: you will find you want to leave sooner or later. Start planning now. Make sure you know where all the money is (so it can be split fairly) and you know the costs and legalities.

Then wait it out until you can endure no more.

I think from the start of your relationship you were both at different life stages. Now after a number of years your seeing this. He is in the same adverage job for the past 30 years.

He has to be told to do thing's and your carrying the mental load on your own. I think in time you're going to resent him and your situation more. This tension will lead to arguments ect.

The reality is that he will be retired 20 years before you. You will still be working full time.
If he retires in 10 years time how old will your kids be? How will you afford to send them to college/university?
What happens if he was to lose his job in the next few years?

How will you manage if he develops health issues as he gets older and some of these could be due to his lifestyle choices like not losing weight, stop smoking, eat well or do exercise?
If you stay with him do you want to end up as his carer? I know a lady this happened to and she was in her early 70's and her husband was about 10 years older. He died a awhile ago and she is now in poor health herself.

I think that you need to look at your life now and image where you see yourself, him and your kids in 5 or 10 years time. I don't think that long term you will cover up the fact that things are not good between you and him. You don't want your kids to resent the fact you stayed with him or the fact their was a tension between you and him as they were growing up.
I am not saying that divorce is easy or should be rushed into but you need to do what best for you and your children long term.

I don’t think ‘not arguing’ is a high enough standard to set your children as a model for relationships. Ideally, children see their parents arguing respectfully over important issues, hugging and kissing (not tongues!) often, see them enjoying each other’s company. Obviously, we don’t all get the option of ‘ideal’.

I wonder if couples therapy might be helpful? If he’s not up for it, go alone, really work out what you are content with, and what you resent. Then you can make more informed choices.

My DH is quite wealthy, owns a company and land. His adult step-kids all blame me for breaking up his first marriage, because they don't know about his multiple infidelities before we met. Inevitably the divorce would be framed as my fault, and they'd encourage him to be ruthless - it's their inheritance, after all, and they would absolutely hate to see me get any of it. (Despite me helping him run his company for the last 20 years, being heavily involved in all the strategic stuff. Not to mention handing over half of mine to him, plus bringing in an income from my other career.)

Thanks everyone for your input, I've read every comment. To answer a few questions:

• Retirement is sorted - my career is very healthy, and I'm not worried about him being retired and me working full time. I enjoy my job and financially will be okay. His job will give him a decent pension too due to length of service, so that's not too much of a worry. @Ihadenough22 - we will be able to manage kids at uni etc without too much hardship - I know we are lucky in this respect.
• Ending up being his carer - fine, I can and will deal with this. I'm mentally prepared, and will make sure he is well looked after. Slightly tongue in cheek, but the men in his family do have a tendency just to have massive heart attacks and go quickly, so there's that (eeek).
• We do care for one another - the kids don't see an entirely loveless marriage, just one where we are clearly very different.

@Kirstyshine Couples' therapy might be an idea. Although, I don't know if anyone can tell me any different, but I tried grief counselling before and just couldn't seem to get "into it", I'm not sure if I'm cut out for therapy? He is also a man of little words (@Needsomesupport84 actually the opposite to what you suggested - he's quiet, and quite dull lol) so I'm not sure therapy is something he would buy into either?

I think reading these comments, and realising most of the other issues that people have pointed out aren't issues for me (sorry, maybe I should have provided more context but didn't want to write an essay!), is making me see that it's really just a case of how to accept our different paces of life. I don't want to divorce him, we are doing okay, I just need to learn a new skill of acceptance or some other more eloquent word to deal with what I'm living with.

@Isheabastard Thanks, you get it. I appreciate your insight. I'm not there yet, but of course I can't rule anything out.

You're minimising your feelings, aren't you?

I'm absolutely content to let things continue as is

No, you're not.

How old are you, OP?

Also, have you ever been a carer?

@IsThisIt321

OP - its great that you are thinking about these things rationally. Too many people are advised on here to seek a fantasy - a sort of marriages that exist at the end of romantic movies when people just get together.
Reality of life together over many years, and raising kids together doesn’t get much recognition.
The fact that marriages can be a friendly partnership that is focused on raising kids - gets dismissed as not a valid choice.

In reality - this was marriage was always designed to be. For years and generations - it was an economic partnership to raise kids and pass on wealth.
The idea that it also has to be a romantic partnership with butterflies and sparks - is fairly recent in our evolution. Not even a century old…

Getting back to your situation - it’s your life and your choice - don’t let people make you justify it.

Your home is a happy and stable place for your kids. You work as a team. There are no arguments. It is - frankly - more than many of the families around.

Kids do not care/do not see difference in ambition between you two. It’s not important in their life. Being nurturing is important and both of you are…

You are not yearning for sparks and butterflies. If you do - then leave.
Or - if at a later stage your home life becomes strained - leave then.
As it stands - there are no benefits to leaving, only downsides to all involved.