How to Accept Resentment?

[IsThisIt321]

Hello, would really appreciate some input on how to just accept and live with my situation.

Context - married 8 years, 2 small kids. Both my husband and I have checked out of the marriage, but the household is happy, the kids are thriving. My husband is low energy, low motivation, happy with his lot. I'm the opposite. I do everything - not an understatement. He is, however, good with the kids, and pulls his weight when asked to.

Usually, in this sort of situation, you would leave right? However, over the past year or so, I've realised I'm not unhappy. I'm absolutely content to let things continue as is - I don't need a partner, but the upheaval of divorce on the kids, splitting finances etc, outweighs any cons of staying together. There is a mutual understanding that we are happy just to exist together, and I'm fine with that.

My only issue is the resentment - the gaps can't be bridged, he won't do more. I've truly tried. Has anyone come across any ways to just be able to not let this get to them? How can I just live with it?

This is the thing @Watchkeys - I feel like I should think I'm minimising, but I don't feel like I am? Again, I keep doubting that I'm just kidding myself.

@category12 I do actually have significant experience of caring for a relative, my mum, for around 6 years until she died. Granted I was younger, with more energy, but I have a fairly decent insight into the reality of caring. And hopefully this time, if I do end up having to care for him, I'd have the finances to hire some external help too.

@MMmomDD You put into words how I'm feeling much better than I can. It's great to see it written out like that, I think I just need to make peace with the fact that it's okay?

Oh someone asked how old I am - I'm 35.

This is the thing @Watchkeys - I feel like I should think I'm minimising, but I don't feel like I am? Again, I keep doubting that I'm just kidding myself

People who are perfectly content aren't resentful. So, you're not content. If you accept that, the pathway will become clear. You need to change things.

Your resentment is for yourself. You resent you for dismissing your own feelings.

Oh dear OP. I was you once upon a time. The resentment never goes. It just eats you alive from inside and comes out in all manner of insidious little ways.

How would you feel if your kids ended up in a similar relationship. Because they will copy what you have modelled for them. Wife does everything and dad does fuck all. That will be your legacy in life.

We split and the resentment ended overnight.

I don’t think resentment is the right word.

I think you are quite patronising and slightly condescending towards him

I found it quite distasteful that you remarked on the history of heart attacks - this is your children’s father!

only in your opinion is he dull and boring - however I wonder what attracted you to this older man? I’m guessing it was his looks?

As the saying goes - If you marry for money you earn every penny

35, eh? Come back to us in five years time.

I don't think this is a long-term recipe for contentment and you'll find it gets worse and less tolerable as you go on, and you may regret the years you spend like this.

But it's what works for you now.

@IsThisIt321

Your life is yours to live and plan. And - it only needs to make sense to you.

People here like to dole out - ‘you deserve better’, LTB - for anyone who isn’t in some sort of picture perfect relationship.
Women are told to give up wanting to have children; or not have them if (see above) picture perfect hasn’t been achieved.

As to resentment - i think you need to stop judging yourself. You are making the best out of life the way it turned out.

You got married fairly young - he seemed older and mature. This has now caught up with you.
He is 55(ish?). His level of ambition and energy is not the same as yours at 35. It can’t be helped. And he has two small children - which do take a lot out of anyone. And at his age - even more. There is a reason most people have kids younger.
He is what he is and it won’t change.

You can only think and count on yourself. Build your career, do the things you want yo do. Right now - he contributes to the family life what he is able, given his age and abilities.

You are only 35. You have small kids - the choices you make now are optimising the care of these kids. And - these choices do NOT have to be permanent for the rest of your life. What is right for you now - may change later. Life is not cast in stone.

In about 10 years time your kids will be older and what you want in life may be different.
You have plenty of life still to live.
Right now you don’t want and cant imagine another life, another relationship. It may change after your kids grow up.

Do what is right for you and your kids now. And let life unfold.

Your children will pick up on your soulless marriage and sadly, may go on to have a similar relationship.

Is that what you want for your children?

It sounds like I'd you split he would be amicable to you and a good father.

I see your life as someone who eats chocolate cake every day, day in and day out. It was lovely at first but now it's the same dull thing every day, each bite now bland and unexciting.

Don't you ever want to try a bit of lemon cake or raspberry or a Victoria sponge?

There is so much more to life than living in dreariness and drudgery.

You are effectively a single mother to your children and your husband, with the added advantage of an extra income from one of them.

If that works for you, there's nothing wrong with it. The day it stops working for you, you can change it.

It's really up to you.