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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment - broken me

30 replies

Imtheproblemitsme5 · 23/12/2023 09:47

I filed for divorce after ex ignored me for 3 weeks, told me everything was my fault, smashed up my ipad, told me he could never tell me I’m a good mum, called me a bully…

Been struck in the same house for 18 months whilst financials were sorted. I’ll be moving out soon.

The whole time he hasn’t spoken to me, or even looked at me, even in front of the children (young primary age). He’ll communicate by email when he feels like (including to criticise my parenting).

Despite not doing much with them before he separated, he’s now super dad. He’s told the children I’m a bully.

I feel like I must deserve this. Maybe because he’s right and everything is my fault. Maybe because I left. Maybe because I’m a bad mum. I don’t know.

I just feel like ex and the kids would he fine if I disappeared. I just make their lives worse.

I feel so sad but he seems fine, so I guess it’s me.

Not really sure why I’m posting but I don’t want to bother anyone in real life.

OP posts:
StasisMom · 23/12/2023 09:49

You aren't the problem so stop that now. He'll be feeding off your suffering and that's why he's being jolly. How soon are you moving out? Your children would never be better off without you, I have to tell myself this too sometimes so I do get it.

Friendofdennis · 23/12/2023 10:02

what A difficult situation for you. He has been mentally wearing you down with his silent treatment so it is no wonder that you feel as you do. But you are nearly through it now and I hope that you are able to rebuild your confidence and know that you are a person worthy of respect

Xccccc · 23/12/2023 10:02

Yes I agree he's happy because you are down and he is in fact the bully and the kids need you now to be strong. Many of us have been where you are so I'm hoping you get lots of replies. Be practical, sort out housing for you and kids , Google for information , universal credit, gingerbread website etc. But you need to get strong and smart. It's tough but you can do it.

contrarywise · 23/12/2023 10:04

You don’t deserve that kind of treatment - no one does, and it’s not your fault.
your DC would not be better off without you and in the hands of someone who is capable of behaving in this way.
Silent treatment is awful. My ex did the same. He knows what he’s like and that you know - and will be doing everything he can to convince everyone else that he is wonderful and not like that.

Darhon · 23/12/2023 10:10

Tell someone in real life. You won’t be bothering them. He’s an abusive dick. It’s not right and his awful for your children. You’re worth more than this.

category12 · 23/12/2023 10:11

No, he's emotionally abusive. He's the problem, not you.

Have you had any support from Women's Aid or domestic abuse services?

Talk to your gp about how you're feeling. Talk to the Samaritans if you're feeling like you might harm yourself.

Things will get better - you're on your way out of this environment.

Ilovemyshed · 23/12/2023 10:14

He is hurt and angry. Instead of dealing with that like a grown up, he chooses to bully you, belittle you, use the children and feed off your insecurity to make you feel bad and him feel better.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

The kids need you and love you. Please go and talk to someone who can empathise and be your safe space and make your practical plans to be rid of this revolting excuse for a human being. Make sure your settlement is locked down hard.

In the medium term, change your email and phone and keep the original just for his comms so you only choose to look at those on your terms.

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2023 10:20

He broke your belongings and called you names ?

Who's the bully here?

Sounds like you've done really well to escape him. Hang in there. Ignore his abuse as much as you can. Don't engage.

yellowsmileyface · 23/12/2023 10:22

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's such an awful situation. You've taken such a massive and brave first step in filing for divorce. I know things are difficult now but it will get better for you.

It's a common tactic with men like this to try to make you feel like a bad mother, because they know it's the best way to really get to you. But he's the bad dad. A good dad doesn't treat the mother of his children this way.

You don't deserve this and none of this is your fault. You've done the right thing in taking steps to leave this awful man and you should really feel proud of yourself for that, because it really isn't easy.

Please don't feel you'd be a bother for reaching out to friends or family. I'm sure if they knew you were struggling like this they'd want you to reach out. If you really don't feel like talking to anyone in real life, please do ring samaritans if you feel you need to talk. They're there to listen.

Original poster
Imtheproblemitsme5 · 23/12/2023 16:39

Thank you for all the responses. It really means a lot. I’ve had really good support from Women’s Aid and my solicitor and I’m moving out in about a month. I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s all my fault though. I mean, who treats someone like this if they’re not awful. I just don’t get it. And now he’s super dad, the kids think he’s wonderful, whilst I’m barely holding it together. Hopefully I’ll feel better when I move, but I’m scared he’ll make life difficult forever.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2023 16:54

Imtheproblemitsme5 · 23/12/2023 16:39

Thank you for all the responses. It really means a lot. I’ve had really good support from Women’s Aid and my solicitor and I’m moving out in about a month. I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s all my fault though. I mean, who treats someone like this if they’re not awful. I just don’t get it. And now he’s super dad, the kids think he’s wonderful, whilst I’m barely holding it together. Hopefully I’ll feel better when I move, but I’m scared he’ll make life difficult forever.

No, he treats you like this because he's the awful person, not you.

Someone who was normal and non-abusive wouldn't smash another person's things or emotionally abuse them, even if they thought that person wasn't very nice. It's just not what a decent person does to another.

Just because he can put on an act doesn't mean it's true. Abusive men can often be very charming and selective about who they unmask for.

The kids are likely to fawn over the abusive, domineering partner for their own preservation, consciously or unconsciously.

Maze76 · 23/12/2023 19:21

@Imtheproblemitsme5 I had to live with my now ex husband for two years during the pandemic- throughput we never spoke. I’ve learnt that this is a very common move, they don’t communicate because if they do it exposes the lies they spin about us being the bad and awful people.

Stay strong- only a month before you are free!

user1471082124 · 23/12/2023 20:01

You have seen who your STXH really is
An abuser. This has destroyed your self esteem to the point where you feel of no value. On the contrary; you are a mum to your children who love and value you
Over time, your children may be on the receiving end of his abusive behaviour as they see through him. Please tell trusted friends irl. You are entitled to support. You are almost there. You are running on almost empty but you are close. Do not give up. Count down the days. Overcome any obstacles he throws. Put your big girl pants on. You can do this !

Indifferentchickenwings · 23/12/2023 20:13

I’ll be moving out soon

good
sounds like it’s needed xxx

I have no idea why some people (men !) are so vile towards the woman that bore them children

it’s over , and yet he punishes you with the vile treatment in front of kids . Total cunt

I hope you can see kids etc when you move out ? Shared custody

ChristmasSteps295 · 23/12/2023 20:32

Bless you. From personal experience, the kids might buy it but they're young. A good father does not abuse the mother of his children, whether he's in a relationship with her or not.

Hang in there. You'll be able to think more clearly when you're free of this awful man.

Ihopeithinkiknow · 23/12/2023 20:42

I hate the thought of anyone being made to feel like this and I can just imagine how great he must be feeling knowing he is doing this to you. I know this isn’t going to magically make everything better but after going through my own recent separation after 25 years and still being in the same house I started listening to podcasts about mental health and separation and it really helped me to see things a lot clearer, pop your headphones in and try and block him out all while listening to things that you can relate to and just know that things will get better. He sounds like an abusive prick and I know how much it gets to you seeing him play “super dad” and it seems really unfair that you have to keep quiet and let him act this way otherwise you will end up looking like the crazy one but even if you have to pretend for now and try and let him know he doesn’t affect you in any way and you are just happy to get on with your own thing until you move out, it’s easier said than done but just knowing he has the satisfaction of seeing him break you feels like shit so just don’t give it to him and on the plus side you will be listening to podcasts that can explain what and why he is doing it and I hope that when you hear that you will know that it’s not your fault but his

Getupatdawn · 23/12/2023 23:51

Ex H gave me silent treatment every day for around 6 months once I told him that I was leaving the marriage with DS. Didn't get so much as a sideways glance.

Prior to that, he refused to talk at marriage counselling and blamed his lack of communication on me.

One thing I learned is that the silent treatment can make you mad, the silence forces you to make up your own narrative about what's going on, and like you, I ended up blaming myself as the baddie. Don't fall into that trap.

Quitelikeit · 24/12/2023 00:39

Op

I’m praying you are not the poster who handed the abusive husband a bear million pound house?!

I could literally cry for you. I hated that man for how he treat that poster and I hate this man too.

His mental abuse has done this to you - I thought you were getting a rental or something?

People don’t change that quickly I suspect he is doing it because he knows it will confuse you all.

You need therapy to help you process this whole marriage

LemonJeIIy · 24/12/2023 01:19

Imtheproblemitsme5 · 23/12/2023 16:39

Thank you for all the responses. It really means a lot. I’ve had really good support from Women’s Aid and my solicitor and I’m moving out in about a month. I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s all my fault though. I mean, who treats someone like this if they’re not awful. I just don’t get it. And now he’s super dad, the kids think he’s wonderful, whilst I’m barely holding it together. Hopefully I’ll feel better when I move, but I’m scared he’ll make life difficult forever.

Come on now. You only have a month to go and it's always darkest before dawn. Wait till you are away from him, he cant ignore you then can he? In fact, I would be then ignoring him right back. Grey rock the twat.
30 short days to go x

Indifferentchickenwings · 24/12/2023 08:57

Ihopeithinkiknow
Getupatdawn

that’s an awesome idea ! Listening to mental health podcast

Ijust can’t shake the feeling that it’s all my fault though. I mean, who treats someone like this if they’re not awful

its one of a the major side affects . It’s insidious
this is why the freedom programme really helped
as its just a male pattern of behaviour born of a world view that men are superior

Undineimmor · 24/12/2023 09:03

So you are letting him destroy you and not fighting back????

I've been there OP once and never again. These days I fight and I win. Outmum him. Be a super happy bubbly outgoing mum with bundles of energy. He's acting, you can too!

PurpleOrchid42 · 24/12/2023 09:05

He's told your children that you are a bully? I think you need to seek legal advice, and make sure the court is aware of this behaviour.

WhichIsItWendy · 24/12/2023 09:11

This is a classic case of master manipulation on his part. He's abusing your children by abusing you. Giving you the silent treatment and calling you names to your children is damaging their mental health. He's not acting in their best interests at all, he's a joke of a person. They absolutely wouldn't be fine without you, they need you to help them see what's good in the world.

Hang tight. Hold on, you're almost there. Once you have distance, your equilibrium will return, you'll start to feel happy.

What custody arrangements will you have in place for the kids when you move?

Personally, once you have space, I would tell your kids it's not right how he speaks about you. That he's wrong for doing so and it's very unkind of him and to ignore it where they can. They need to be told it's not right or you'll run the risk of them believing him. Your ex sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

Strugglingtodomybest · 24/12/2023 09:39

Despite not doing much with them before he separated, he’s now super dad. He’s told the children I’m a bully.

This is an absolutely classic tactic. He won't be able to keep up the super dad act, I'll bet that as soon as you're not living together and you're not there to witness it, he'll drop the act.

As for telling your children that you're a bully? We'll, what sort of a "super" dad does that? None is the answer, and the children will realise that at some point.

I feel like I must deserve this. Maybe because he’s right and everything is my fault. Maybe because I left. Maybe because I’m a bad mum. I don’t know.

No, no, no. Do not let your mind do this to yourself. Things are difficult at the moment, but you are doing the best thing for yourself and your children, please keep reminding yourself of this basic fact. Once you're not living together and you have space to breathe, you will be in a better place to sort your head out.

You said that this started after he didn't speak to you for 3 weeks? I mean, fucking hell, I wonder if you realise exactly how bad that is? I can only imagine the atmosphere it created. You are 100% doing the right thing in getting out of that dynamic.

I just feel like ex and the kids would he fine if I disappeared. I just make their lives worse.

Look, I get that feeling, I've had it before, but it's really really not true. He might be fine if you disappeared, and perhaps that's what he wants? But your children won't be. So don't give him what he wants, say a mental "fuck you" to him and polish up your acting skills. You've got to fake it to make it!

I feel so sad but he seems fine, so I guess it’s me.

If he was fine, he'd be talking to you. He isn't fine, and he's trying to hide it by busying himself playing Super Dad.

It Is Not You.

Not really sure why I’m posting but I don’t want to bother anyone in real life.

Some people want to be bothered. Honestly, even if it's just calling the Samaritans, there are people out there who want to help.

user1471082124 · 25/12/2023 13:50

Strugglingtodomybest · 24/12/2023 09:39

Despite not doing much with them before he separated, he’s now super dad. He’s told the children I’m a bully.

This is an absolutely classic tactic. He won't be able to keep up the super dad act, I'll bet that as soon as you're not living together and you're not there to witness it, he'll drop the act.

As for telling your children that you're a bully? We'll, what sort of a "super" dad does that? None is the answer, and the children will realise that at some point.

I feel like I must deserve this. Maybe because he’s right and everything is my fault. Maybe because I left. Maybe because I’m a bad mum. I don’t know.

No, no, no. Do not let your mind do this to yourself. Things are difficult at the moment, but you are doing the best thing for yourself and your children, please keep reminding yourself of this basic fact. Once you're not living together and you have space to breathe, you will be in a better place to sort your head out.

You said that this started after he didn't speak to you for 3 weeks? I mean, fucking hell, I wonder if you realise exactly how bad that is? I can only imagine the atmosphere it created. You are 100% doing the right thing in getting out of that dynamic.

I just feel like ex and the kids would he fine if I disappeared. I just make their lives worse.

Look, I get that feeling, I've had it before, but it's really really not true. He might be fine if you disappeared, and perhaps that's what he wants? But your children won't be. So don't give him what he wants, say a mental "fuck you" to him and polish up your acting skills. You've got to fake it to make it!

I feel so sad but he seems fine, so I guess it’s me.

If he was fine, he'd be talking to you. He isn't fine, and he's trying to hide it by busying himself playing Super Dad.

It Is Not You.

Not really sure why I’m posting but I don’t want to bother anyone in real life.

Some people want to be bothered. Honestly, even if it's just calling the Samaritans, there are people out there who want to help.

Absolutely this. Reframe the lot