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Original poster

Am I wrong for not agreeing to do ‘family’ things with ex?

47 replies

Turkeymad1 · 22/12/2023 22:06

My ex husband had a long affair behind my back, had been on dating apps for even longer, just basically treated me awfully. Walked away from our marraige and never looked back. Went through the classic ‘script’ and more or less ruined my life We split when our sons were aged 2 and 3 and it is almost 4 years ago now. I have worked so hard to get myself to a good place for myself and my children
for my own well-being I don’t do any joint things with my ex. It makes me anxious being around him and just doesn’t make me feel good. He treated me like crap and if it wasn’t for my kids I would never see or talk to him again.
He reguarly suggests we do family things together, he will ask if I want to join them for dinner or family days out. I always politely decline. He has now asked me to pop in on Christmas Day when handing kids over to have a cup of tea with him and his new(ish) partner. This is the last thing I want to do on Christmas Day, it’s already hard enough doing the handover as I am missing out on time with my children.
i don’t understand why he keeps asking, I have never taken him up on his offer. What is he playing at?
I have had friends suggest I should I just ‘get over it’ and agree sometime for the sake of the children. I honestly don’t think we need to cross over their 2 homes as I think it could be confusing for them. I also feel like I don’t want to put myself in a situation that will cause me
anxiety or discomfort.
any advice please?

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 22/12/2023 22:10

Don't do it. You need to feel safe and comfortable and your children will be fine with you not going in. He's just still trying to control the narrative of him being lovely and friendly. Don't make a big deal just a polite no thanks

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 22:10

You don't have to if you don't want to. But I think it's worth thinking about whether it would actually make you feel more powerful to let go of whatever thoughts and feelings are making it feel like such a horrible prospect and whether you might be able to do that one day.

Fluffyhoglets · 22/12/2023 22:11

Just keep politely reinforcing your boundaries with him. Just say you think it's fine how it is and keeping things separate means the children know how things will be.
If you started to do things with him and his new partner starts to be cheesed off with that - and it's has to change again - that's confusing for them.
He obviously wants to be able to think what he did wasn't shitty - but it was. So he doesn't get to keep your friendship.

Original poster
Turkeymad1 · 22/12/2023 22:12

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 22:10

You don't have to if you don't want to. But I think it's worth thinking about whether it would actually make you feel more powerful to let go of whatever thoughts and feelings are making it feel like such a horrible prospect and whether you might be able to do that one day.

I’m not interested in feeling powerful, I just don’t want to spend any more time with him than necessary after he treated me how he did

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 22/12/2023 22:13

Just keep saying no, he is being disrespectful like he always was and will be.

Keep your peace.

Spottywombat · 22/12/2023 22:15

Fuck that.

Swerve any invitation totally.

It's control.

category12 · 22/12/2023 22:15

No, he's doing it to make himself feel better, not you.

Ignore and do what you want.

HardcoreLadyType · 22/12/2023 22:17

Its important that your DC have a good relationship with him, but you only need a good co-parenting relationship.

He’s trying to convince himself that he what he did can’t have been so bad - “look! Me and Turkey are great friends!”

But you don’t have to play his games.

Polite refusals, and if he asks why, say “I don’t want to”. And smile. And leave.

HappyHedgehog247 · 22/12/2023 22:19

If he respected you and wanted to show he'd changed, he wouldn't keep asking persistently. It's a way of minimizing what he did and seeking control. Grey rock responses, don't explain, don't justify.

Indifferentchickenwings · 22/12/2023 22:20

No ! I agree
and healing takes a long long time after wrongs like that

just say no and continue as you are

thewreckofthehesperus · 22/12/2023 22:24

You do whatever you need to protect yourself, your happiness and your mental health.
In an ideal world yes it would be nice if you could be friendly with your ex but if thats never going to be possible its because of his actions and how he treated you. It's not on you!

Im guessing the people commenting havent been through the same ordeal as you and dont know the impact a trauma like that can have on a person.
At the end of the day your children need a happy and healthy mother. That's more of a priority than playing happy families with someone who treated you badly. Remember you're modelling relationships for them too and showing them its ok to stand up for yourself and cut toxic people out of your life is a positive thing.

Also I'd be willing to bet he pushes this agenda to make himself look good in front of his partner/family. Odds are he's painted you out as the unreasonable one in the split and this is his way of reinforcing that image of him trying to co-parent and be 'friends' for the children's sake and you as the unrrasonable one.
Again this is no ones concern but your own and if you're not comfortable than I'd be making that clear.

ACynicalDad · 22/12/2023 22:27

Maybe parents evenings, school events and Birthday parties but I can’t think of other Tony’s you should be in the same room as him.

BornIn78 · 22/12/2023 22:28

I’d guess he’s painted a narrative to the new partner of what an amicable split it was, and just look at what a really nice guy he is, and how the split was mutual, nobodies fault, etc.

Just keep doing what you’re doing and keep him at a distance.

GreatGateauxsby · 22/12/2023 22:29

HardcoreLadyType · 22/12/2023 22:17

Its important that your DC have a good relationship with him, but you only need a good co-parenting relationship.

He’s trying to convince himself that he what he did can’t have been so bad - “look! Me and Turkey are great friends!”

But you don’t have to play his games.

Polite refusals, and if he asks why, say “I don’t want to”. And smile. And leave.

Yep this in spades.

SpareHeirOverThere · 22/12/2023 22:35

Just keep saying no. Don't offer excuses or account for your actions. Don't be apologetic - not sorry, no. Not, I'm afraid I can't. Not even no thanks. Just a straight no.

You don't want to be his friend. You can co-parent effectively without popping in for tea with the raging twat who cheated on you and broke up your family.

I hope you have lovely plans for Christmas while your dc are with him. I'm sorry it's hard.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/12/2023 22:35

No stick to your principles and just hand the children over.
Do not feel harassed or bullied into trying to play happy families.
Bet his new girlfriend does not know what a shit he was and is trying to make out all was ok.
Tell him firmly stop asking as it is not going to happen if it affects your mental health and emotional state. Did he ever apologize or admit what he did was wrong.
Well done for getting away and getting your life together as not easy after all that trauma and with small children.
He sounds like a scum bag that you are well rid of so well done.

Lemonfoxtrot · 22/12/2023 22:37

This is all for show for the new Girlfriend. I bet she has been given a highly sanitised version of your split.

I had a very acrimonious split from an incredibly nasty ex-H. Funnily enough, he also wanted to do family days, invited me for dinner with his new gf. I declined.

it might also be to prop up their own sense of self. No one wants to think of themselves as the villain. If you get along, then he can kid himself that he wasn’t that awful.

But his feelings aren’t your concern. Just do what makes you happy. Btw- as long as you aren’t hurling insults at each other, I don’t think kids are bothered by how friendly- or otherwise- you are with their parents.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2023 23:08

God no! Why on earth would you want to spend time with such a horror show? I’m assuming you’ve told him you’re not interested in having that sort of relationship with him? It’s so fake! If he tries to get you to go in for a cup of tea on Christmas Day, tell him the food is cooking, you have to get back, or some other spurious excuse. Is he trying to re-write history and make out he’s a nice guy? Pretty sure his new partner won’t be thrilled to have the ex in her house either!

SkaneTos · 22/12/2023 23:24

I read somewhere about a woman. Married to a man. They had two children.
Her husband cheated on her. They divorced. Then he suddenly wanted to be friends with her, and spend time with her.
She said "He had the chance to be 'friends' with me, and spend time with me, when we were married. Why did he cheat on me, and break up with me, if he so badly wants to be my friend?"

uclpp · 22/12/2023 23:27

He's probably trying to make himself look like Mr Nice Guy in front of his new partner.

Don't do it. It doesn't work for you, understandably. Tell him, "no thank you".

Opentooffers · 22/12/2023 23:43

Nothing more powerful than a constant 'no'. Its better to stick to your boundaries and not compromise. Why should you do anything with him at his behest? It's totally fine not to.

maggiemoggie · 22/12/2023 23:52

He wants his cake and eat it too.

Stick to your guns, he's a dickhwad.

Ofcourseshecan · 23/12/2023 00:03

As everyone else says - he’s doing this for himself, not for you or DC. He wants to look good in front of the gf. In fact, he undoubtedly knows this fake friendliness is distressing you. You’re doing the right thing refusing, OP. Try not to let it get to you xx

Singleandproud · 23/12/2023 00:08

Make your excuses and leave. I always kept our two homes very separate. We would sit together at school performances and sports days in Primary and he occasionally comes to Dd's sports matches so I might stand with him (largely so I can fuss over his new daughter who is very cute and just at the toddling stage) DD finds it beyond weird if we are stood together and talking like two worlds colliding.

PieAndLattes · 23/12/2023 03:43

‘No, you treated me very badly during our relationship and I have no interest in being your friend. We coparent successfully and that’s enough.’

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