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Original poster

Am I wrong for not agreeing to do ‘family’ things with ex?

47 replies

Turkeymad1 · 22/12/2023 22:06

My ex husband had a long affair behind my back, had been on dating apps for even longer, just basically treated me awfully. Walked away from our marraige and never looked back. Went through the classic ‘script’ and more or less ruined my life We split when our sons were aged 2 and 3 and it is almost 4 years ago now. I have worked so hard to get myself to a good place for myself and my children
for my own well-being I don’t do any joint things with my ex. It makes me anxious being around him and just doesn’t make me feel good. He treated me like crap and if it wasn’t for my kids I would never see or talk to him again.
He reguarly suggests we do family things together, he will ask if I want to join them for dinner or family days out. I always politely decline. He has now asked me to pop in on Christmas Day when handing kids over to have a cup of tea with him and his new(ish) partner. This is the last thing I want to do on Christmas Day, it’s already hard enough doing the handover as I am missing out on time with my children.
i don’t understand why he keeps asking, I have never taken him up on his offer. What is he playing at?
I have had friends suggest I should I just ‘get over it’ and agree sometime for the sake of the children. I honestly don’t think we need to cross over their 2 homes as I think it could be confusing for them. I also feel like I don’t want to put myself in a situation that will cause me
anxiety or discomfort.
any advice please?

OP posts:

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 23/12/2023 04:18

I wonder what his game is?

It would be a straightforward NO from me, no 'sorry', no 'no thanks ' no excuses, just NO

RantyAnty · 23/12/2023 04:38

He's just trying to manage his image.

Id tell him to stop asking as you aren't friends. Only where he can hear it so he cant play poor him in front of others.

Aishah231 · 23/12/2023 08:18

My guess OP is that he wants to feel like a good guy. If you can get on then he doesn't have to feel like such a wanker for how he behaved. Your refusal to be friends reminds him of what a twat he is. I imagine he also feels good just offering to do things together - it puts you in the role of villain. Just say next time - you know we can't be friends after what you did to me and the children so please stop putting me in the situation of having to refuse. I'm glad we can co parent amicably but let's keep it at that.

GenXisthebest · 23/12/2023 08:22

I agree with pp that he's probably doing this to prove to himself what a nice guy he is and you're the unreasonable one. Forget him and his game playing OP. Just say no and try not to give it any more headspace.

Sodndashitall · 23/12/2023 08:25

Absolutely no way. You don't need to play happy ex families and you don't need to pop in for a cuppa.
You solve for you. Who cares what he thinks or wants!
I agree with PP, don't explain or justify your decision. Just say "no thanks" and please have the children ready when I arrive.

End of

Blubbled · 23/12/2023 10:55

@thewreckofthehesperus I agree with this! He's still trying to control the OP and to project the false image of himself to others, and even to convince himself!
I'll also add, OP, that your X might be trying to triangulate you with the other woman , to keep her on her toes and to keep you as some sort of back up, should she start to "malfunction" as a "wife appliance".
Stick to your guns! You're doing exactly the right thing by having as little contact with him as possible , it's healthy self-love and a good example to set to your children of how to deal with those who treat you badly, especially betrayers, because that's what he is!

Annon00 · 23/12/2023 10:56

He is doing it so he looks like a wonderful dad to his new partner. Ignore it. She’ll soon realise what he is like.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 23/12/2023 11:41

He is not part of your family and he is not your friend. Friends don't treat friends the way he has treated you.

Starryskies1 · 23/12/2023 11:50

No don’t do it. You’re not comfortable with it. Each to your own. I let my ex come Xmas morning but my kids are older and I try and fade out traditions bit by bit each year. Your children are younger and don’t no any different.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 12:11

His game will be trying to pretend to his new partner, but you like him still and that he behaved okay in your relationship. I think the only answer you can give is of course not, why would I do that?

Fraaahnces · 23/12/2023 12:19

Let him wonder who you’re hanging out with instead…. 🤩

Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:34

Don't do it, don't allow him to normalize the situation and make it look like you've comfortable with something you're not. The kids will pick up on it sooner or later.

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/05/2024 19:47

No way. He can go fuck himself.

The reason he wants you to play happy families with him is so that he can present himself as a totally reasonable nice guy to his new partner and any other spectators. He wants to rewrite history and paint himself as a stand-up man who didn't treat you like shit.

A casual but firm NO THANKS to every single invitation. Maybe a withering death stare thrown in for good measure.

TheseBootsAreWalking · 23/05/2024 19:50

He knows it upsets you asking, he knows that now you will be anxious about his ask for the next months until xmass day, and he is doing it for his need to control.

If you agree it would be like you were following his version of events, The script, and he will then use that new narrative to justify his sordid scewed event of why he cheated.

So no dont agree to it. Its making you anxious and he does not deserve any more of your time. The only answer he needs is a simple no, and no explanation needed. Just no thank you.

SunniestOfSundays · 23/05/2024 20:54

Not necessary and perfectly acceptable to put yourself first and say no to family things or anything you’re uncomfortable with.

IMO he’s trying to make himself look/feel better so he can always say he offered but it was you who kept declining.

blacksax · 23/05/2024 21:11

Just tell him that the way he treated you was disgraceful, and you are not going to spend a second more in his company than you absolutely have to so stop asking and fuck off you bastard.

CantBelieveNaive · 23/05/2024 21:46

Don't go he's a deluded prick! Full stop.

He wants to feel better about what he did.

You don't need to waste your time and you don't need to give him your forgiveness.

Let him stew and have the last laugh. Teeter. 😹

grinandslothit · 23/05/2024 21:56

zombie post

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/05/2024 21:58

Zombie post

Codlingmoths · 24/05/2024 03:28

Just say no. If he gets mad and says we have to be able to go to things together, say I’m sure we will be able to manage that like adults.

MikeRafone · 24/05/2024 03:37

By playing the pleasant host and you accepting, it would absolve him from previous awful treatment of you.

by you refusing you’re not letting him show the world that he’s actually an ok bloke

CheekyHobson · 24/05/2024 04:14

Hell to the no.

i could have written this about my ex except for the different details of the betrayal.

I have learned to politely keep him at arm’s length, but he keeps trying to pretend we are terrifically amicable, instead of the reality that he makes my skin crawl and it takes about 90 seconds of conversation before he says something to annoy me.

As previous posters have said, it’s to convince himself and anyone who is looking that he’s not the asshole he really is.

In my ex’s case it’s usually also as a warm-up
to asking me to do him favours because great co-parents are always supportive of each other, right?

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