Up all night worrying I’m an evil narc mum

[Anxiouskate]

Please bear with me as I hope it will all make sense.

I just feel everything my DP used to do me when I was growing up (and still do now), I’m inflicting on my own children. Yesterday evening I was feeling pretty hormonal and DD hadn’t told me where she was going with her boyfriend. Frantic calls to her and boyfriend. Turned out they were in a place with low reception and she couldn’t speak. I must admit I did flip due to menopausal rage but also then I did the ‘woe is me, no one appreciates its Christmas, I do all housework, all down to me, wish I’d get more respect’ rant. Husband had been working late and as usual, no support when he got home to the arguing between myself and DD. So after all this, I just went up to bed and cried myself to sleep. For a few hours and then I’ve been up all night, playing back my awful behaviour. I will apologise to her in the morning but I think DDs both think I’m awful, victimy and cause drama in the house.

i just feel so low now. I hate that I’m doing exactly what my mother used to say and do. She still does. I’ve never had support when I’ve struggled with PND, my DH addictions, bullying, depression. I’ve just never felt loved or good enough. Interesting, despite the emotional abuse I received and support I gave to DH throughout his drinking spells when I’ve now needed love and support in return, it’s been absent. I just feel let down by him tonight again and it’s another reminder I’m alone in my marriage to him.

i feel incredibly sad and I’m dreading Christmas. Having to act normal when I feel so numb inside. The rage last night and then tears seem to become more frequent, they’re not usually external, more internal beating myself up about how stupid I am and how lonely I am. Friends have come and gone, no one really to talk to other than those few friends who seem selfish and self absorbed.

ive been so anxious that my DDs will go NC with me when they get older and leave. I’m worried they think I’m a narc like my DM. As I write this all down I do sound very self absorbed and pitiful too like a narc. I just want to run away today.

No idea why I’ve written this all down, it just doesn’t make sense. I suppose my question is am I narcissistic? If I am, what type of counselling do I need. I am currently working with a trauma/EmDR one but I think she is even fed up of me going on and not taking decisive steps to leave my marriage, go nc with my family and take teen DCs and live somewhere happily. If only it were that simple and I was that brave.

There's a lot to unpick here.

This time of year can be stressful, you won't be the only parent out there feeling the pressure!

As for your husband, he sounds like a problem. No support? Why not? Why do you accept that? (meant kindly, sounds harsher written down!).

In terms of counselling, you don't sound like a narc from the couple of hundred words you've written here, but ofc, I don't know if you are a narc. You do sound hormonal (the rage!) and fed up. I think you probably need counselling to deal with your childhood stuff. I had counselling after my mum died. One of the first things I asked was what am I doing to fuck my kids up that they're gonna need counselling for in the future? I think it's quite normal when you have stuff to process to then think forward to what you're causing. The opposite of a narc...

Be kind to yourself. Get some counselling, deal with your shit. Today will be a better day. Don't over egg the apology, be breezy. Try not to dwell on it all because you have a solution - you're going to work on yourself.

Well, I am not sure a narc mother would be up all night worrying about her behaviour and it’s impact on DC. I had a fairly dysfunctional upbringing and my mother’s behaviour was quite bizarre at times and she would not think to apologise or even listen to me if I put my side of the story. But I think you should apologise and just explain to DD that you were concerned, but don’t overegg it, she will want to be getting on with her trip with her boyfriend.

It sounds like you have lots of overlying issues which you are working through with your therapist. One thing I think is important is not to beat yourself up that these things have happened and life is not as you wish right now. It sounds like some self-compassion is in order. Of course you need to work towards change in your circumstances - it sounds like you know you would be happier living on your own - but you should not beat yourself up that you are not there yet. Leaving is a process, not an event, but it is also something you have to begin to believe is possible.

I am currently working with a trauma/EmDR one but I think she is even fed up of me going on and not taking decisive steps to leave my marriage, go nc with my family and take teen DCs and live somewhere happily. If only it were that simple and I was that brave

Well it's a lot, but if you agree that's what you should be doing, maybe you need to break the inertia and start some small steps towards these goals? Maybe you're angry with yourself for not feeling able to make changes.

Go to the gp about the hormonal stuff if you haven't already.

It's unlikely you're a narc if you're sitting here beating yourself up about the way you behave. 🙂

Stop being so hard on yourself.

My mum was as you describe and would kick off any time anything worried her, she never ever admitted she was wrong though and never ever apologised for over reacting.

Like you I have done the same and gotten angry when things the kids do make me anxious and worried. I am trying to realise my anxiety is my problem not theirs.

The fact you are planning to apologise is the main thing. Your daughter will understand that you just over reacted because you love her and were worried.

Your husband sounds like a whole other issue to deal with though

There are few people more narcissistic than addicts.

Remove their demands upon your emotions, your practicality, your time, your money and you'll likely find that much of that rage, pain and frustration bubbling up just won't be there anymore. and your DD will be less likely to be trying to avoid being at home.

Thank you for your honesty and listening. I would leave DH in a heartbeat but I’m slowly getting my ducks in order with finances and timing to do that eventually. This was a lot of my therapy, working through the abuse I’ve suffered at his hands. Not physical, just the seeming mind games which ended with him revealing a much longer than I’d known addiction which he’s going to AA for. I’ve had years of excuses for lack of intimacy from him, illnesses, health scares come up for him that have meant I’ve gotten increasingly anxious and overwhelmed as time has worn on.

I’ve worked on my childhood a lot too and it’s made me realise how toxic my family is compared to others. I’m just scared that I’m doing the same to my own children with my recent woe is me and then menopause rage feelings. I genuinely do feel sad and on the floor with being criticised or feeling unloved by those closest to me. DP, DH are as bad as each other.

Under pressure, we revert to what we know - and it does seem as if you've been under pressure for all of your marriage, with your dh's addictions. I don't think it's that surprising that you may have fallen into behavioral patterns witnessed and absorbed during your own childhood.
With the huge social prohibition on 'selfishness' that is imposed on women, it's very, very common for us to feel as if we can only 'earn' care and regard by doing for others, and feel hurt and disappointed when we don't get it. It is, though, as you have noticed, a very destructive pattern of behaviour,. and not one you want to be passing not your daughters. So you do need to learn to articulate your own needs. But what I also notice is that your thinking seems quite extreme - the idea that because you haven't behaved well you must be a narcissist, or that your therapist is expecting you to throw your whole life on its head and impatient with you if you don't do so. Whereas real life, in general, is much more incremental. I think it would be of great value to speak to your therapist about these expectations you feel she has of you.

Edited for typos (FFS)

There’s alot going on and you can try and tackle things individually.

But the main issue seems to be a long and unhappy marriage. It’s great you are planning to apologise to your dd. But it appears you are taking your unhappiness out on her.

If it carries on, it will impact your relationship with her. Doesn’t matter if you apologise, if it keeps happening. Even if it isn’t speeches at her, she woll keive the cycle of you being raging angry then extremely sad. Even if you think you internalise it, it’s not difficult to pick up that someone is angry or sad even if they don’t say a word or seem to be carrying on as normal. And kids are sensitive to it.

You say it’s menopausal rage. But is it? You are extremely unhappy, isolated, anxious and so on and blew up. While hormones may play a part, you may not feel as much ‘menopausal rage’ if you weren’t in this marriage. It’s quite common for menopause to be blamed (by men and women) when it’s not actually that or not mainly that. It’s how unhappy overall they are.

I have a friend whose husband convinced her she was unhappy and arguing with him due to menopause. It’s far more lokey that she is just unhappy because she is married to an argumentative alcoholic that gets pissed all weekend and ends up falling over and breaking things in the house.

Blamimg menopausal rage helps give you an excuse to stay on the marriage. ‘I wouldn’t feel so bad. It’s just menopause’, ‘I am not reacting to being really unhappy in my awful marriage. It’s menopause that’s pushed me over the top’.

I bet you anything the menopause rage would r be as bad, if you weren’t in that marriage. The problem is that you are frozen and not doing anything and will damage your relationship with your dd in the long run.

As op said, your anxiety isn’t her issue to fix. It’s not for her to manage or for you. You need to sort that. But again, I would bet if you left, your anxiety wouldn’t be as bad.

When you apologise, don’t tell her you were up all night. Don’t make it about how bad you feel. It’s an apology. It’s for her.

You don't sound like a narc to me.
Narcs don't cry and sit up all night worrying about their behaviour.
You sound like a woman who's been let down in life by the very people who should love her the most.
Add menopause in and 😱
How old are your dds, are they old enough to listen to a version of what you've said here, maybe minus the part about dhs addiction's?
An apology on your behaviour last night then an explanation of your past and why you feel you sometimes act the way you do, your childhood, feeling unsupported by the adults in your life, how you feel overwhelmed, how you sometimes overreact, then end with how much you love them and how you want to have a relationship with them.
If they're older teens they'll hopefully understand, I'm always surprised how much the teens in my life know, how they understand MH issues.
Good luck, you sound very self aware and lovely ❤️

I think it's possible that you might be unconsciously using the therapy to make it bearable to stay in the situation, as while you're still in the abusive relationship, the wounds will keep coming. How much progress can you make building a tower when your partner/family keep swiping out the blocks from under?

Agree if you're concerned about the impact on your dd your behaviour isn't driven by narc personality traits.
Maybe it's just good old learned behaviour as that was how you were raised and go-to responses are learned very young.
But the motive for the behaviours doesn't alter what you do or the impact on her. So do apologise. Don't wing your hands or try to elicit sympathy. Just tell her you know it wasn't reasonable or fair and you want her to know you regret spoiling her evening like that. Tell her you know she isn't responsible for an area of poor reception and you will try not to impose your worry on her next time.
You could add that you know you do this kind of thing too often and you are wishing to break the cycle.
Do not change your tone of apology if she doesn't react the way you hope. Don't expect her to try to make you feel better or relieve your guilt.

We are all different people in different contexts, other people being out the best or worst qualities in us. We are not fixed entities operating the same in isolation or the company of others.

Your DH with a history of addiction was never going to become a supportive DH. It's not who he is, so you will always be papering over the cracks, carrying the can and feeling let down while he is your life partner.
In turn that means your emotional resources are depleted as your energies aren't being spent on more constructive things. If he wasn't round your neck like a milestone, you might make better progress towards being a better version of yourself. Instead of doomed to repeat your mother's behaviour and infinitum.

How slowly though?

I appreciate it takes time. But think about it honestly. You don’t have to share here, but honestly are you any closer to leaving than when you started?

Getting yourself sorted can take a while. It’s also a. Good thing to say to avoid actually doing it. Makes it look and feel like you are doing something. But in reality making no progress.

You might be making lots of progress. As I said you don’t have to share. But thinking about it, being frugally honest with yourself may help.

I really appreciate your feedback, I’m a slow reader and typer so I’m reading and processing, thank you for your comments. I’m glad I’m not a narc but then again there are different types and I worry that’s how DDs see me, grandiose or vulnerable. TBH, I don’t actually know what these terms properly mean, I just know my huge anxiety about how others view me makes me sick.

i feel embarrassed to discuss with my therapist as I should have more concrete plans to leave DH, it will take time but it feels like forever for something positive to happen. I obsess over what others think of me when I feel I’ve done something wrong, probably from DM. I like how you said to remove their demands on my emotions @NeverDropYourMooncup as that is the feeling I really feel!

The difference with my narc mother is that she would act like this, but thought that it was fine. She would never apologise or listen to my concerns. She would just dismiss, shut down and deny. I wasn't a real person with real feelings to her. Just an NPC in her show.

You don't have to go through life like a robot, you're allowed to have feelings and express them occasionally! We should all probably try to approach our problems in an emotionally mature way, but you are also only human. What matters is that you acknowledge your childrens' feelings, apologise when you know you're wrong and try to do better next time.

Thanks again, DD is still asleep, I’m going to totally own my behaviour and hear her out. I’ve tried to always do that, in the past in a people pleasing way which has meant boundaries are always pushed with my DDs but therapy has helped me with this.

I’m feeling a bit better reading through your comments and reassurance. @Lifeasiknowitisout I think financially I could be further on than where I am, but it’s been difficult, fees for legal advice and also mortgage changes if the house has to be sold mean it will take time.

So your plans aren't as far along as they should be.
Change is scary, but being a passenger in your own life is looking slow torture.
Make a list of what you need to have left him.
Work your way through the list.
It's work, which I imagine you feel exhausted at the thought of, life already being so challenging as it is, but it will bring the light at the end of the tunnel closer.

@KittensSchmittens Both DP and DM both never apologise and will deflect accountability. DH through his meetings and the 12 steps is improving but I can see it isn’t genuine. My DM has a unique way of seemingly looking caring but is incredibly cold with her supposed love/suggestions or brutally critical and I mean brutally woundingly awful with her words and actions towards me. I can’t believe I married my DP! Couldn’t see it before!

Mothers who worry if they are a bad mother are never bad mothers. Narcissists aren't capable of admitting they are narcissists. I can see you are going through a complicated time, but try to relax and not think about it all at once. Anyone who's been through a lot would go crazy if they did that. Just take things one step at a time, write it down if that helps. Please get some rest, nothing has ever been solved by worrying!

You have a shit marriage with a shit husband and you’ve taken it out in your daughter. An apology is in order.

You need to own these problems and sort them out, why wasn’t you ranting at your husband instead? How old is your daughter? If she is 17 or older not sure why you’re constantly calling her and her boyfriend to see where they are, why was you doing that? Do you try to micromanage?

Seems you have your priorities wrong here. If you want a better relationship with your daughter then prioritise it and make it happen, all the other chores/jobs can wait.

@flowerchild2000 I’m exhausted now! Thank you for understanding, this has been helpful to get it out and chat here.

@Whattodowithit88 have you read my replies? I have recognised I have not been the best mum to DD. The aggression I’m feeling from your reply is not welcome and is triggering. I came on here for honesty and support but not this.

Try and get some help with the hormones OP - the struggles of menopause are real and there is some relief available. Of course you may have to channel some of that rage to get a GP to take you seriously but it’s a fight worth having

When your moods are out of whack, or you lose control of yourself, it’s hard to know where to draw lines. It’s not ok for teen dd to go off without letting you know where - she’s out of order. It’s awful that our dc boundary testing stage comes at the same time as peri menopause (along with elderly parents, peak job stress, university fees…) but they still need sensible firm boundaries. So separate those two issues - she was out of line (wrong) and you were raging (wrong).

I don’t think you can control whether your dc go NC with you and call you a narc. Probably your best chance is in modelling good relationship skills and demonstrating that you can fall out, and apologise and repair. That you can have firm boundaries at the same time as being warm and loving. And that you’re not a doormat to be walked on.

Make an apt with a gp and look up the Nice guidelines. It takes about three months to stabilise hormones and it’s an excellent first step to getting your life back under control.

The thing about menopausal rage is that there’s always a kernel of truth at the heart that you need to take notice of. So don’t lose that treasure to the shame.

Catching up on some of your replies. You know your therapist is a great person to start practising pushing back and holding your boundaries. Tell her what you’re not finding helpful about her approach. And what support you actually need.

If she’s good at her job she’ll be delighted to see you finding your voice.

My parents were different but still not great parents. I've made a conscious effort to be different, so try that approach ... I hear you with the menopause tho 🤯

Thanks @Nonplusultra and @FloofCloud for hearing me out, I’ve been on HRT but I’ve been messing with my pump dosage so that’s likely another big factor in my moods.

I do get really anxious but not to the extent of micromanaging, with the current storms I was really worried about where they were which I tried to explain, but then my fears got dismissed by her😳. It wasn’t the best moment really for her to be like that. I will explain all this in a more calm manner today.

i will speak to my therapist but I’m starting to feel like she is tired of draining issues I come with, it’s probably all in my head, there’s a lot at the moment!