Up all night worrying I’m an evil narc mum

[Anxiouskate]

Please bear with me as I hope it will all make sense.

I just feel everything my DP used to do me when I was growing up (and still do now), I’m inflicting on my own children. Yesterday evening I was feeling pretty hormonal and DD hadn’t told me where she was going with her boyfriend. Frantic calls to her and boyfriend. Turned out they were in a place with low reception and she couldn’t speak. I must admit I did flip due to menopausal rage but also then I did the ‘woe is me, no one appreciates its Christmas, I do all housework, all down to me, wish I’d get more respect’ rant. Husband had been working late and as usual, no support when he got home to the arguing between myself and DD. So after all this, I just went up to bed and cried myself to sleep. For a few hours and then I’ve been up all night, playing back my awful behaviour. I will apologise to her in the morning but I think DDs both think I’m awful, victimy and cause drama in the house.

i just feel so low now. I hate that I’m doing exactly what my mother used to say and do. She still does. I’ve never had support when I’ve struggled with PND, my DH addictions, bullying, depression. I’ve just never felt loved or good enough. Interesting, despite the emotional abuse I received and support I gave to DH throughout his drinking spells when I’ve now needed love and support in return, it’s been absent. I just feel let down by him tonight again and it’s another reminder I’m alone in my marriage to him.

i feel incredibly sad and I’m dreading Christmas. Having to act normal when I feel so numb inside. The rage last night and then tears seem to become more frequent, they’re not usually external, more internal beating myself up about how stupid I am and how lonely I am. Friends have come and gone, no one really to talk to other than those few friends who seem selfish and self absorbed.

ive been so anxious that my DDs will go NC with me when they get older and leave. I’m worried they think I’m a narc like my DM. As I write this all down I do sound very self absorbed and pitiful too like a narc. I just want to run away today.

No idea why I’ve written this all down, it just doesn’t make sense. I suppose my question is am I narcissistic? If I am, what type of counselling do I need. I am currently working with a trauma/EmDR one but I think she is even fed up of me going on and not taking decisive steps to leave my marriage, go nc with my family and take teen DCs and live somewhere happily. If only it were that simple and I was that brave.

OP I am a therapist ( have been for years) so please don't feel embarrassed to work through this.
It took me 3 attempts and many years to leave DS's father who was abusive in every way, many of us have been through this trauma and would completely understand.

You don't sound like a narc and I highly doubt your therapist is tired of you or annoyed with you. They are supposed to be there to help and support you and if it takes you forever to work through/do something that is on you. If you are worried about what your therapist thinks then ask them what they think. Tell them you think they are annoyed with you. You're not there to impress them, you're there for help.

I have narc parents to the point where I did not actually dare to have children because I could not trust myself. I, too, have had fears that I am a narc or have some other personality disorder.

What you may have is fleas (check out the Out of the Fog website glossary) and that would be completely understandable. That is something you can work on. Owning your behaviour and apologising to your children when necessary is important, and it seems you are doing this. Good for you. They don't need a perfect mother, they need a mother who is good enough.

That said, apologising to your children is one thing - but do not fall into the trap of over-sharing or turning them into your confidantes. You are the parent and you need to make sure you always remain that. As soon as I was old enough to have emotional stuff dumped on me by my mother she did that with gusto. It has been very damaging.

@Cranarc , thanks for your insights, I defintely don’t over share as if I did DD would give me a reality check! Spoke to her and we both recognised neither of us handled last night well, in fact we laughed about it and cuddled. I know I cannot do that with my own DM. Argument would results and I’d just feel irritable, defeated and then low.

Awww that's lovely @Anxiouskate 💐

You sound like a lovely caring mother and your anxiety and the situation you have been in with your parent and your husband has brought you down. I really think when you have that mean husband out of the way that you will feel so much more relaxed and will not be so anxious.
I understand totally how your childhood really affects us and we try not to be what we saw growing up if there was issues in house.
Try not to overthink and you and your daughter seem ok now and everyone has their ups and downs and nothing wrong with you wanting to know where she is as she is only 17 as some parents do not give a damn where their children are.
Keep strong and try to make time for yourself if only for a nice walk to clear your head and keep those plans going so you can get away from him and believe me you will wish you had done it sooner.
Also talk to doctor in new year about your hrt as so many times I have had to have mine tweaked to get the right dose as our own hormones change.
Be kind to yourself and wishing you the best.

All should be find if you repair in the morning. You can mention your hormones too- tell her it's like pms x a million x

It definitely doesn't sound like you are a narc. I doubt a narc would care that they might have hurt their daughter. You just sound like a worried mun. Any loving mum would be frantic with worry if their daughter went out and you didn't know where she was . A lot of daughters talk back when they feel their mum might be worrying for nothing. As you said layer just say I'm really sorry for over reacting, I was worried , please next time just a quick text to say where you are or if she's not the type of daughter to do that just trust she will be OK. You definitely sound like you have very low self esteem and being really hard on yourself. I'm sure the therapist is not fed up with you. Believe that they are not fed up and work with them . You deserve to go on and on , how else will they know how to help?