When is it too soon ?

[Widowerme]

I lost my fab wife to illness to a few months ago after nursing her for nearly 2 years and I am now desperately lonely.
I feel I still have a lot to offer, only just retired, own house, independent means, reasonable shape, albeit a little plump due to the above. I would like to look for someone to travel, socialise and entertain with, hopefully more.
is it too soon ? How long do people think it is reasonable to grieve and be alone for before seeking some companionship etc without appearing callous and uncaring ?

Give it at least a year.

A year. Do you have DC?? You could damage your relationship with them and any grandchildren if you move on quickly.

There are plenty of ways to socialise, travel etc as a single person

Only you know the timeframe. Especially when she was unwell for so long, you knew it was coming. Your grief started along time ago.

Just don't expect any first relationship to replace everything you want. You'll need to work things out gradually.

You could try joining some interest clubs first, or a gym, anything to start getting you out and about and seeing what social events are taking place.

I would agree that start socialising first rather than looking for a partner just to alleviate your loneliness.

There's no right answer but getting into a new relationship very quickly might actually do you more harm than good.

Find new friends, join social and meet up groups and you might meet someone organically. Even if not, you will get out and meet new people and start to live life again.

Only you will know when the time is right op, I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you can find someone when you feel the time is right.

I wish you a peaceful Christmas, be kind to yourself

No one can answer this question for you, only you know. You’ve really been grieving since your wife became ill, so it’s actually been some time. I started dating eight months after my husband died, I didn’t tell anyone as I didn’t want to upset my children. I met my partner a year after my husband passed and my kids were happy with that.
You say you’ve put on some weight, try joining a gym, get yourself fit, feel good about yourself. I went on a weekend away with a travel company that specialises in single people. It’s not a hook up thing, everyone is in the same boat, had a great time.
Good luck, it’s a dreadful time I know, but you will feel better, and life still has so much to offer.

My father only waited a few weeks. I had to do a lot of reading to understand that it was common for a long marriage and a long illness given his age. I would describe his circumstances very much the same way you do op.

whatever you decide to do, if you have children, even if they are adults, you need to proceed carefully. You are allowed to move on and find a companion. You do not need to share the details or even the existence of that journey with your children in the short-term.

Their grief is different than your grief. They aren’t dealing with the loneliness that you feel. The empty spot in the adult children’s lives is just dramatically different and they need to keep it open and raw for now. Even if intellectually they understand that you need to try to enjoy the healthy time you have left, emotionally, hearing about it too soon is going to hurt.

Nobody can tell you it’s too soon and nobody can put a date on when it’s ok to date. If your wife was ill you likely started grieving then and had mostly processed it long before she died. For me living with a partner with. Terminal illness was far far far worse than when he died and the period after. That was almost a walk in the path in comparison.

if you’re lonely it’s perfectly fine to look and to explore options, that’s normal and healthy and does not in any way detract from your relationship with your late partner

I also think you should wait at least a year. It would actually be very unfair to ask someone to fill your late wife’s shoes whilst you are in this place.

I would also reiterate that you can spoil your relationship with your kids here. Do not expect them to be reasonable!

Have you walked in his shoes? If not then you simply can’t put a date on it. Obviously he needs to tread carefully and manage his children’s feelings sensitively but most children will recognise that he went through huge trauma and needs to live his life. Some people seek company after weeks or months, others never. None of them are wrong

Disagree with the year. I waited much less. You are ready when you are ready - meeting and enjoying the company of someone doesn’t mean you loved your wife less or that you are over losing her. 2 things can be true simultaneously. People are super judgy about it though- ignore and do what feels right for you and respectful and honest for whoever you meet. Good luck!

There are no rules. Those who state 'A year!' confidently are simply offering an opinion, not an imperative. I had a relationship very shortly after. People who care about you will care about whether you're ok, not whether you're sticking to a schedule.

I'd only say, make sure that anything you do is healthy. You sound like you might be looking for relief from grief in a new relationship, and that might not be the best thing. Keep your best interests at heart, and those who love you. They don't want to see you go through a relationship you're not ready for, now, after all you've been through.

I disagree with the suggestion to wait at least a year, it’s a meaningless timescale.
Only you will know when you’re ready to get into a new intimate relationship, and it sounds like you might be based on your post.
I’d take it slowly, start socialising, and see where it takes you. If you start comparing to your late wife or your loss is interfering with meeting people, take a step back. No harm in starting to pursue a new relationship.

My friend’s husband was with someone else within a few months. It kind of surprised us at first, but he said he’d been grieving ever since her first cancer diagnosis, a year before she died. And I know he loved her and was a good husband to her, so who am I to judge?? He’s still with the other lady a decade on.

can i put a different perspective on things? my daughters have just lost their dad, they are 25 and 21. his widow went on holiday with her new boyfriend 3 days after the funeral! my girls lives are ruined, not only have they lost their dad, but they have also lost the woman they have grown up with as well.

obviously there must have been something going on prior to his departure and i know this is not the case here.

there is no timescale to love and relationships, it can happen at any time, as above proves, the widow met and fell in love with someone else while her husband was dying!

its how you deal with it. i agree that life goes on, and that you have to live your life and are entitled to be happy.. 100% but just give some careful consideration to those around you too.

Why not make some male friends for travel, socialising and entertainment? Join a gym, go to night school etc.
I would feel disrespected if my DH jumped into a new relationship following my death. It's basically saying any female 'would do' to fill the empty spot.
I am flabbergasted when people leap into relationships with the recently bereaved. I think you should wait a minimum of a year before romance becomes an option.

I think that people here are talking about two different perspectives. One is, when YOU are ready to date, which in the case of the OP seems to be now, and the other one is, when it may seem appropriate and acceptable to those around you, and most people seem to think its about a year.

I have been divorced for two years now and am the one who instigated the divorce, however, I am not yet anywhere near interested in dating, but I know a lot of people who start to date right away.

I would say, you go with your guts and see where it takes you.

Depends.

Do you have kids? How old are they?

Honestly, even if you feel ready I would wait at least a year. If you have young kids, probably longer. If you have older kids saying soon can feel like a kick in the stomach. Yes you are an adult and can do what you want and need to live your own life. But it’s much easier if everyone in your life is supportive rather than it causing a rift.

The other thing is, every time I have known someone recently bereaved (meaning a few months) it’s never gone well. If, when you get together, the partner feels they have to support the other through the loss of their last partner it creates a weird dynamic. The supporting partner often feels their needs come first and people get in this habit and it becomes a common feature of their relationship. Leading to unhappiness. Also often it can get quite serious quite quickly as the bereaved looks for something to reduce the pain. Them you realise that you aren’t actually compatible.

Bereavement, usually, takes more than a few months. It’s a rollercoaster. Where you feel ok and ready to face the world and then don’t. Ready to date then not. I don’t think the first year after a big bereavement is a good time to make big decisions.

This is all generally. I am sure many miners will come along with stories about how they met their husbands weeks after their wife died and they have now been together 20 years. Blissfully happy, no insecurity, the decade talked about and celebrated, the kids never had the slightest issue. And I am sure it happens. But I don’t think it’s the most likely situation.

Oh and the other thing is that you need to find out who you are without your wife.

You shared a life, grew together and around eachother. I am sure she was wonderful, but you lived your life heavily impacted by her. And her you. And loss can change you too.

You might find that without her you develop new interests, traits, needs in a relationship, different wants and so on. And with that, what you are looking for now, may not be the same as in a few months. Which is fine if you wanted to casually date. But not someone to live a life with.

Finding out who you are in this new world without your wife might be a good idea.

Clearly you have never lost a partner. You simply cannot judge. I met my partner after a year, I dated prior to that. My grieving was not done but it wasn’t intense after my husband died, I felt like a weight had come off my shoulders, like I could breathe again and that’s not an unusual reaction to losing a partner after a long illness which I think is extremely different to being widowed very suddenly.

I had a relationship before I met my partner and it was the best thing I could have done. I didn’t introduce him to my children, they don’t know about it but it healed me more than I could ever imagine explain and it is one of my fondest memories.

No, but I have seen people walk in his children’s shoes. They have feelings too.

Having said that, I did read your subsequent message where you have differentiated between a relationship that excludes others grieving, and one where children are introduced to someone new. OP hasn’t specified what he envisages, but I at least had imagined he wants a relationship that his children know about.

I would reiterate my original point though to ask OP whether he is emotionally in a position to have a relationship because a new person deserves more than being a support service for a grieving man.

It's too soon if you don't feel ready.

Doesn't matter what you would want or like in the future and it doesn't matter whether other people think it's too soon or not.

Everyone grieves in different ways and takes different lengths of time to find their equilibrium again.

My mum's similar. But what she really wants is her husband back. Christmastime really hammers home her loneliness (despite having family - it's not the same, I know).

My good friend’s mum died of cancer a few years ago in her 70s. Within a couple of months, her dad was driving a new girlfriend around their country village in a new sports car. Her memorial service was delayed due to Covid and he was actually engaged to the new woman by the time it happened. The whole community around this family was shocked and hurt by his behaviour and his relationship with his grown up children and grandchildren seems irreparably damaged due to the perceived lack of respect for his wife.

I can see your side of thing and genuinely believe that people who have experienced really happy marriages are likely to want another relationship. I feel certain that I would, should this ever happen to me. However, please be discreet and consider the feelings of everyone else who loved your wife.

My advice would be to concentrate on socialising widely for the first year rather than dating. If you meet the right person, they will surely understand that you want to take things slowly.

Sorry for your loss and I sincerely hope that you find happiness again.

I am sorry you lost your partner. But there’s no need to be rude.

I don’t get your point. I clearly stated it works out for some people. But often it doesn’t.

and no, I haven’t had a partner die. I didnt say I did. I was talking from my observation. I have had a mother die and when my father dated in under a year I sucked up my feelings over it and supported him. But that turned out to be one of the relationship I have observed. It didn’t work out well for Dad or the woman despite non of them having ill intentions. This is one of several that I have observed over the years.

My brother was deeply hurt, tried to support him? But it did impact their relationship. I have seen the cracks it’s creates between my dad and several of his family members. And it wasn’t healing for him. Hour saying being positive doesn’t mean it’s always positive. And I spoke from my own experience and observations.

I also don’t get your point about your kids. You didn’t introduce the one you met in the first year. This Op hasn’t given much information which is why I asked about kids. This Op wants to share their life with someone. They want to date, travel, entertain with. How do you propose that he does that with someone without his kids knowing? If he has them. Thats why I asked.

If the op was looking for someone to casually date, I would have a slightly different opinion.

The Op came looking for opinions. I have my opinion based on several observations. Your experience was different and dating was good for you. That’s great. It doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s opinion. Especially since I pointed out that there will be people posting that it worked out for them. But that’s not always the case. Or in my in my observation the most common case.

Please ignore anyone who gives an answer of xx months / xx years, as though it's a scientific equation.

There is no fixed answer. I once read that, the happier married someone has been, the sooner they look for another relationship (the logic being that if you've had a bad marriage, you're not in a rush to repeat it). It's down to you, and when you feel ready. And then be absolutely honest with anyone you date about where you're at. Take things slowly. Pull back if you feel you're going too fast.

Ignore anyone who judges you - unless they've been in your shoes they have no idea how you feel. Be very careful of the feelings of any children you have, whilst accepting that you can't give up the rest of your life to save their feelings.

My friend lost her DH very young. They were a brilliant couple, adored each other. She started dating about 6 months later. Some people were so judgmental. Going about their own lives, happily coupled up, not seeing her from one month to the next, but deciding she should be alone for another few months. They found her tentative happiness distasteful. The people who really cared about her understood. The judgemental ones didn't stay friends for long.