When is it too soon ?

[Widowerme]

I lost my fab wife to illness to a few months ago after nursing her for nearly 2 years and I am now desperately lonely.
I feel I still have a lot to offer, only just retired, own house, independent means, reasonable shape, albeit a little plump due to the above. I would like to look for someone to travel, socialise and entertain with, hopefully more.
is it too soon ? How long do people think it is reasonable to grieve and be alone for before seeking some companionship etc without appearing callous and uncaring ?

I wasn’t being rude. I was explaining from the point of view of someone who has been in this position. To put an arbitrary date on something when you are not the person who has experienced the loss is something you simply can’t do as you don’t know how someone feels.

Let me tell you, your life has been put on hold for the length of the illness. You have lived day in and day out with knowing that your life as you know it will end, you’re looking for every sign that it’s happening. You don’t have the life you had before, it ended on the day you got that diagnosis. You don’t go out as much because of your partner, you can plan anything at all because you don’t know how they’re feeling or if they’ll be around. Every single thing you do is a caveat and you need to still function as normally as possible because everyone around you is telling you that a miracle might happen and isn’t it lucky your partner is still here. You are living in limbo. You know you’ll be a lone parent but you don’t know when. The illness takes hold and you’re not sleeping, you’re not eating, you’re split between wanting your old life back, wanting your partner forever and then asking god to take them and end their suffering even if you don’t believe in god

All this time you’re trying to carry on for the sake of your children and make things as smooth for them as possible

Then your partner dies. Suddenly you’re alone, you have time, you have hope, you know you have to find a future and you’re so unbelievably lonely. You might have people around you, children to watch over and to support but you’re human and what you crave is company, affection and to be in the company of someone healthy and living.

That is why you can’t tell someone they’re wrong for dating.

If course losing a parent is horrific, of course it is but losing a partner is totally different, it’s a different loss and certainly with adult children, they’ve lost a parent, but they’re still going to have the fundamentals of their life the same. If they live away from home, their day to day hasn’t been upended in the way that their parents has

It’s not what other people thing, or how it looks. It is nobody else’s business. It doesn’t take away from how much you’re grieving, it doesn’t have anything to do with how much you did or didn’t love your partner, it’s not disprespectful to them, they’re dead. It’s not disrespectful for your children for you to date it’s about living again and the only person who can make that decision is the individual involved.

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I have always understood that the happier someone's marriage the more likely they are to remarry quickly if they lose their spouse. So it is very likely your positive and happy memories of your wife which make you so keen to find another companion.

It is ENTIRELY up to you how quickly you start dating, and anybody who chooses to condemn you for doing so needs to mind their own business, quite frankly.

It MAY be a decision worth discussing with a grief counsellor or similar first, just to talk through all the possible emotional implications - how would you feel if you start a relationship which does not work out for example, would it set you back?

Obviously nobody will ever replace your wife and the love you had for her. But you may be able to love another as much, though differently. Only time will tell.

Personally I would definitely consider dating a widower who had only lost his wife a few months ago, as long as he conveyed the impression that it was a decision he had made carefully and thoughtfully. Potential red flags I would look for would be him rushing the relationship to "replace" the lost spousal one; or him leaning on me heavily for support in his loss. (grieving is a lifelong process so I would expect his loss to come up as a issue at some points and be happy to be supportive, but not to be his main source of support IYSWIM). I would advise you to take it slowly and lightly - set out mainly looking for fun, friendship, adventure, all the light stuff. A deeper connection may of course follow, but be wary of forcing that.

I am not sure of the precise nature of your wife's illness, but it sounds like you were caring for her for two years which may well have been hard a lonely. Depending on the spouse's illness and how much of the relationship in its past form actually remains, some people in your position start dating even before their spouse actually passes. I don't judge them necessarily - loving human contact, sex etc is a strong natural desire for many. Good luck - I hope you find what you are looking for.

My BIL met a woman very quickly after my sister's death. It was a shock to the family at first but years in they are happily married and we are all so happy for him. I remember him telling me about her and saying 'how long is it before I'm allowed to be happy again' and it made me so sad. I told him to be happy now and do what felt right.
Yes some people will judge you but people who understand the hell that is looking after someone you love when they're dying will understand.
Be happy now. Find love. Or friendship. People who love you will understand, maybe not immediately but soon enough.

I was going to reply, but this says it all really.

Yes you were.

Where did I say I would judge someone.

Someone can and asked advice and I gave my advice.

I even replied to you telling you that when my dad dated quickly I didn’t judge him. I supported him.

Your advice and experience is valid. My advice and experience is valid. And there’s no judgement from me.

It’s entirely possible to have an opinion and give some advice and not judge people for not taking it.

I don’t judge you for saying. It’s entirely what you wanted to do. But if you had asked me at the time I would have given the same advice and if you ignored it I wouldn’t mind.

You have assumed someone having an opinion, or giving advice that is different to what you have done, is also judging you. For doing it different. I can assure you I am not.

At the end of the day it’s the Ops choice. They may decide they want to wait or may decide they dont. No one has to judge them for it. If they decide to hold off dating, that’s no judgement of you either.

I really appreciate the perspective and advice given here..Thank you.
in answer to some of the questions posed, I do have family to consider, though none are now children. 2 of my own boys from a prior marriage and my deceased wife had 2 boys when we met 26 years ago. I just don’t like being on my own (selfish I know) and not a great pub goer, I would just like someone to socialise with initially but open to more if it comes.

I would just like someone to socialise with initially but open to more if it comes

Can you join clubs? Do evening classes at the local college? Join groups on Meetup? It sounds like making some friends and expanding your social life might suffice for now, and it's often the advice for people who are looking to meet potential partners, too. And much less threatening for family too... 'This is Sandra from chess club' is much easier for a bereaved child to deal with than 'This is Sandra I met on an online dating site'.

When my wife was well, we were still intimate often and we would both enjoy kissing, I don’t mean a peck on the lips, I mean a proper kiss, I mix with a few different ages and the people I feel I could talk to about that are horrified at this idea. Do people think it’s unfair or unreasonable to kiss at the ripe old age of 66 ?

F